The Quest For Love

How well can you get to know someone in ten minutes or less? If you believe the claims of the many speed dating companies springing up all around the country, the answer is "pretty well." Well enough, in fact, to justify another meeting that many of us bipedal mammals refer to as "dating."

It's a fair claim for the most part; it really doesn't take that long to get to know somebody on a topical level. Many of the dating services I've researched have gone as far as to provide a list of suggested questions, as opposed to suggestive ones, to get things rolling. This name, rank, and serial number approach to meeting people usually consists of learning about the other person's profession and their various like and dislikes.

I recently decided to take the plunge and try out this alleged utopia of single souls that, for one reason or another, weren't meeting people the conventional way. I still find I am arguing with myself over what finally made me whip out my credit card (as opposed to something else I'll leave to the readers imagination) and sign up for a session of speed dating.

My favorite reason is curiosity. While that's partly true, it's also a convenient excuse to avoid admitting I'm particularly bad at meeting women unless I have a non-romantic reason to speak to them. I don't know if that's because, in High School, my humor got me by and most of the girls I dated approached me, or that I'm rather self-conscious and don't want to come off as a letch on the make.

The next reason that comes to mind is the hope of meeting "the one." It's a good reason and probably quite valid, but it's something the pessimistic part of me put somewhere in the odds of finding intelligent life on the set of American Idol. That's more a comment on my pre-conceived notions on the whole idea of speed dating than a comment on the people involved.

The third and final reason wins out - the simple desire for companionship and someone to share my life with. No matter how introverted and shy I've become, I still, like the majority of people, feel the need to share myself with someone. It's the one mystery of existence that constantly plagues and motivates me at the same time.

I soon found myself at a random Martini bar in the central part of Denver, Colorado. I walked into the bar with my fight or flee instincts sumo-wrestling in my head and approached the greeting table. I was given a nametag that also contained a number that would help match me with potential "second-dates" online after the event was over. It was part of the rules (who knew there were rules to dating?) to set up a post small-talk second date with the help of the dating service.

Everyone was instructed, several times by my count, to mark "interested," "not interested," or "networking" on the provided score card and let the service put you in contact with anyone who felt the same. This is, of course, because speed dating is a business designed to make the owners some coin, and not the noble humanitarian effort it should be.

The particular event I attended was centered around a series of eight-minute dates. Each participant was given a card with eight table numbers. When the event began, we were paired with one other person for a short session of Q&A. A pretty simple concept fueled by the two-for-one drink specials. It wasn't nearly as intimidating as I imagined it would be.

Perhaps the most surprising part of the evening for me, being a single male who was a feeling a bit desperate, was that none of the eight women I was paired with was in the least bit unattractive. Seriously; I'm not being generous in my opinion here by any means. Most of these women were amazingly attractive and it perplexed me that any of them felt the need to use a speed dating service.

The first thought that crossed my mind was "This has to be some sort of a scam," but I soldiered on. One of the women I was paired with did admit she was a friend of the organizers and a "fill-in" to make up for an uneven number of "sign-ups," but all the other women seemed genuine in their desire to meet someone.

The second revelation of the evening came from the realization that I do have a set of standards for a potential date that extends past checking for a pulse. All of the women I met were nice and none truly rubbed me the wrong way. Again, I'm not being nice; my intolerance for people's stupidity and self-absorption probably has a good deal to do with my inability to meet new people.

Still, while I could easily see myself being friends with some of the women I met that night (and maybe more, given some time to gel), only one of the eight dates really bowled me over to the point of checking off "interested" on my tally card. Sadly, according to my online results, the feeling wasn't mutual.

At the end of the night I couldn't help but wonder if I was just extremely picky or just had a solid grasp of the kind of person I wanted to date and hadn't found them yet. I'm still a bit undecided, but in the end I think I'm just a hopeless romantic looking for that one person who I really click with. I felt like a learned a lot about myself, and while I don't envision paying someone to set me up on a blind date again in the near future, I had a good time and feel just a little bit better about the possibility of finding that special someone.

If you want to get the dirt on your date, Web sites aim to help

Sarah Langbein
Sentinel Staff Writer
September 24, 2006

Some call it safety. Others say it's snuffing out the romance. But in an age of online dating and infidelity, many singles are seeking out the skinny on their partners.

Before taking the leap, they are ordering background checks and hiring private investigators to make sure Miss Right isn't Mrs. Right or that the new beau isn't wanted by the feds.

Sometimes things can get nasty. One entrepreneur has called on all womankind to post the names and faces of the men who allegedly wronged them. More than 17,000 scorned women have come on board, making DontDateHimGirl.com an instant hit -- unless you are one of the unlucky men to grace the Web site.

Welcome to the world of weeding out the bad apples, where it has become commonplace to Google everyone -- even your love interest.

Maryssa Montgomery, 27, a laid-back waitress at Orlando's Waitiki Retro Tiki Lounge, hasn't done it. But her dad has. When Montgomery started dating her co-worker, Joseph Webster, six months ago, Dad wanted details.

"He looked him up online," Montgomery says. "He wanted his first and last name. He wanted his address, which I don't think I knew at the time. I told him he wasn't going to find anything."

And he didn't. Montgomery says she typically goes with her gut, but she added: "I just don't think my dad trusts my gut."

In some states, including Florida, you can purchase a criminal-background check online. Fork over $23 and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement (www.fdle.state .fl.us/CriminalHistory) will do the statewide search for you. Or, take a peek at the local clerk of court Web sites, which commonly allow users to surf the Web for court cases. For the juicy details, head to the courthouse.

If you don't want to leave the comfort of your computer chair, there are online dating sites that promise users pre-screened candidates. Or "know before you go" -- Matchinform.com allows online lovers to rate their dates.

Cheaters beware

Women seem to be more eager than men to run the checks. In the case of Dont DateHimGirl.com, you do the screening yourself.

"I just thought there should be a way for women to get together and warn each other about their bad dating experiences," said creator Tasha Joseph, 33.

More than 100 posters to the South Florida-based Web site have singled out men in Orlando as creeps, liars, players, abusers and every other ugly term you can think of. Their sometimes profanity-laced tirades get personal and to the point, followed by the usual warning: Don't date him, girl.

Take, for instance, Daniel from Orlando.

"CHEATER!! CHEATER!!" a fuming female typed on the site. "This is just a warning girls, I definitely don't want him for myself, and I certainly don't wish him on anyone else, even my worst enemy. Oh, and when he pulls the line that you are the only girl he's ever fallen in love with, laugh in his face!"

More than 600 people have viewed Daniel's profile.

Other allegations span from women alleging they acquired a sexually transmitted disease to ex-wives saying their husbands used them for money and green cards. The latter got this response -- in all capital letters -- from one reader: "Girls -- we should help this woman and send her a donation of a dollar each for her defense against this pig!!"

Some of the so-called "pigs" on those pages have banded together to fight Joseph and her site. In return, they've launched www.classaction -dontdatehimgirl.com. Others have posted their own responses on DontDateHimGirl .com, right alongside their nasty profiles. Todd Hollis, a lawyer from Pittsburgh, is suing Joseph for defamation. The two duked it out Wednesday on Dr. Phil.

"Mr. Hollis is trying to hold me responsible for comments made about him on the site by other women," Joseph said on the TV talk show. "I did not write those comments, and furthermore, the law states that I am not liable."

Hollis disagreed, saying the Web site creates an unequal playing field. "Men shouldn't be identified by their picture, while women remain anonymous."

One woman, Diana from West Palm Beach, said her post was a way to release negative energy about a man to whom she was engaged. Turns out, he already had a wife. She didn't want any other woman to fall for his same trick.

"It's taken me a long time to get through this," says Diana, who spoke on the condition that her last name not be used because she just wants to "move on."

The investigator

On the flip side, next month Joseph is introducing her latest endeavor, GreatGuysTo Date.com.

"Essentially, it's a place on the Internet where women can post about the great guys in their lives -- guys who should be swimming in the global dating pool," Joseph says. "I created the site because I felt that if women had a place on the Internet where they can share their bad dating experiences, there should be a place where they could share their good dating experiences, too, and talk about the men who they think are great."

Not satisfied yet? You could enlist the expertise of Carmen Naimish, a California private investigator and founder of DateSmart.com

"If you date . . . investigate," is Naimish's slogan. For a starting price of $500, she'll dig deep to find the goods on your honey. "If you feel something is wrong, you're probably right," Naimish says of her clients' hunches. Most of her clients are successful professionals and about 60 percent are women.

Most of the female clients want to know, "Is he really divorced?" Most of the men want to know how many times the woman has been married.

In one case, Naimish says, she broke up the wedding of a 69-year-old woman whose daughter called her for help. It turned out that the mother's Mr. Right was Mr. Wrong.

"I'm like a friend tapping you on the shoulder," Naimish says. "I want to save people from heartache, disasters and financial ruin."

Just ask him, girl

Local dating guru Michelle Valentine scoffs at the mention of background checks and private investigators.

"People are living a false sense of security," Valentine says. Sometimes the red flags don't show up on paper, she adds.

Plus, it kills the romance.

Do your own investigative work, Valentine urges. Look for "background information" instead of background checks, she says. Ask simple questions of suitors, in which their answers will reveal their character. For instance, ask the person to tell you about their past relationships. The goal is to find out through the response, tone and body language how the exes were treated. Do you sense a temper? Does the person use demeaning language to refer to a past love?

The Winter Park dating expert and coach, who dresses stylishly in red and wears all heart-shaped jewelry, says singles need to slow down and revert to "old-fashioned courting practices." She believes in dating numerous people at once -- no sex, she says -- and narrowing the pool that way. To help out, Valentine enjoys playing Cupid, whether it's on her online dating site or out in the community. Saturday night, she hosted a soiree in honor of National Singles Week.

"The problem with singles nowadays is they're in a rush," Valentine says.

Not Amy Zaccaria, 25, of Tampa, who sipped wine Thursday at Eola Wine Co. in Winter Park with her mother, soon-to-be mother-in-law and friends after a long day of wedding-dress shopping.

She met the love of her life through a medical-school friend, who gave his stamp of approval -- the best background check you can get, her girlfriends say. Still, she Googled her new honey a couple of weeks later, looking for news of his younger years, not a potential criminal past, she says.

"If you're Googling him for that reason, you shouldn't be dating him in the first place," Zaccaria says.

Trouble in Dating and Relationships

Trouble in relationships arise like the sun; inevitably. But unlike the path of the sun, the path of trouble is unsettled, capable of developing into a myriad of outcomes.

A fight between couples is heart wrenching and worrisome because both people become upset and make-ups are always awkward. Often, instead of an awkward makeup, the couple breaks up and the fight is settled that way.

Trouble in dating can arise from past activities that affect the relationship in the present, like if one person keeps mentioning past lovers and/or does things which reminds them of him or her while being with their current girlfriend or boyfriend.

Also, fights occur naturally depending on stress levels and moods of each person in the relationship. I find that it is helpful to take some time and space away from the other person when tension arises. Sit back and try to rationalize the situation using facts and challenge yourself to put away negative emotions which fuel anger and frustration. Often, this process is enough to clear your head and make yourself feel better. If after some time apart, you still feel unsettled and upset with your partner, face them and speak clearly about what is troubling you. Don't make things worse by crying or becoming enraged.

Good luck with trouble in dating and your relationships because they are hard and tricky to handle. Remind yourself to sometimes stand in the other person's shoes even if it is just for one moment.