Male-to-Female Dating Dictionary

By Mark C. Miller

Much of the reason dates often turn out so disastrously, especially first dates, is, in a word, communication. Yes, communication - or, as we men refer to it, Kryptonite.

I’ll admit it - men stink at it. We either can’t or won’t communicate. And when we do, we invariably do it poorly.

Reasons? Take your pick:

• Men are raised to be stoic and not reveal our true feelings and emotions.
• We fear that being honest and open will be perceived as a sign of weakness.
• In school, they never taught us how to communicate with another human being.
• Our primary communicating experience is talking and/or bragging to other guys about sports and women.
• Space aliens have zapped that portion of our brain required for being real.

So, because we’re so lousy at relating to females, we invariably torpedo a relationship before it even has a fighting chance. Sad, isn’t it? And all we have to make up for it and console ourselves is big cars, Haagen-Dazs, serial dating, starting wars in Third World nations, and impressing women in the gym.

Yes, it’s a pathetic, tragic, empty life, simply because we lack the skills of being open, honest, and vulnerable with, for want of a better word, women.

But, as you know, another outstanding feature of men, besides our inability to communicate, is our urge to - and feeling that we can and must - fix everything.

Therefore, I decided to take a portion of all the free time I have as a result of not using it to communicate openly and honestly with females - and put it to work coming up with a fix for this pesky communications problem. And lo and behold, I’ve found it! And it’s beautiful in its simplicity, if I do say so myself.

I call it, simply, the “Male-to-Female Dating Dictionary.” This is a book of words and phrases uttered by dating males, translated into language clearly understandable to dating females. What a guy says - translated into what a guy means. I’ll pause briefly here while a choir of dating angels sing hosannas to my public service accomplishment.

Okay, that’s enough.

This is a book, obviously, that every dating woman needs, for it will instantly translate Martian men’s conversation into Venutian women-speak. For example:

MAN SAYS: “Oh, um, sure, I like to dance.”

MAN MEANS: “I once gave myself a hernia in a swing dance class, and now, on my list of things I enjoy, “dancing” comes right after “cleaning up after a large dog with severe digestive problems.”

MAN SAYS: “What I really want is a long-term, serious relationship with someone.”

MAN MEANS: “And you could be that person if you consider long-term to be three months, and serious to include vodka, a wardrobe from Victoria’s Secret, and, of course, wrist restraints.”

MAN SAYS: “I have a great relationship with my dad.”

MAN MEANS: “Our monthly phone conversation consists of each of us asking the other how things are going, me saying ’Pretty good, how ’bout yourself?’ and him saying, ’Not bad... well, talk to you soon. Here’s your mother.’”

MAN SAYS: “My last girlfriend and I just grew apart.”

MAN MEANS: “You would not believe the bitchy attitude she gave me every time I had to borrow rent money from her!”

MAN SAYS: “I’m feeling some good chemistry here between us.”

MAN MEANS: “The sight of your cleavage is giving me thoughts of activities that I’m fairly certain are illegal in at least twelve states.”

All right, I’m not so delusional as to think that my dating dictionary is going to completely resolve the big issue of male-female dating communication. But it’s a start. And if my little contribution brings just one couple together into a relationship of honest and open communication, genuine friendship, and erotic passion, then it will have all been worth it. All I ask is that they send me a thank-you — and a photo of them, especially if it happens to feature Victoria’s Secret outfits and wrist restraints. Strictly for research purposes, I swear. Hey, come on, I’m a guy.

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Top 15 Dating Mistakes Guys Make

Okay fellas, the ladies have to hand it to you — you do a lot of things to make our hearts swoon. You surprise us by taking the initiative to invite us out to dinner — where we will undoubtedly enjoy a romantic meal by candlelight, talk for hours, spoon feed each other creme brulee — wait a minute, are those your friends from college about to sit with us? And you wonder why we’re mad later. Needless to say, sometimes guys trip up their own game with the ladies without even realizing it. Here’s a list of the most common dating mistakes guys make — so you can keep your game in check.

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1. Overly possessive

Stop. Just, stop. If the girl is dating you, she obviously wants to be with you doofus — there’s no need to call her every hour, resort to extreme PDA to show the world she’s yours, or be on her back all the time about her guy friends. It’s not sweet, it’s stifling, and nobody wants to date a guy like that. Except that chick from Twilight — we guess there are a few here and there that are into that whole creepily possessive, smothering, super jealous deal.

2. Gross living space

Dorm room, apartment, house, condo, parent’s basement — wherever you live, there’s no excuse for it to be dirty. No, it doesn’t have to be —Suzy Homemaker” clean, but she’ll notice the Doritos crumbs from last night’s March Madness party, the empty beer cans, and the dreaded dirty socks littering the floor. While your lady friend shouldn’t be dating you solely based on your living space, a decently clean room shows her that you not only take care of yourself, but also put in the effort to make her feel comfortable in your home.

3. Acting like a tough guy

Oh, you have muscles and testosterone? We never noticed. No, really c’mon guys — girls know it, you know it, and other guys know it. You’re a man, grrrrrr. So why do some guys start stupid, unnecessary scuffles (—Come at my bro”)? News flash — fights just make us scared, not impressed. So just play it cool and save everyone the stress.

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4. Acting differently around your friends

The merging of the two worlds of friends and GF is a delicate task (one that most guys seem to bomb). Just as your main squeeze wouldn’t want the 411 about the hot chick your ex-frat buddy hooked up with last weekend, the same goes for your bros not wanting to hear about your latest antiquing excursion. Play it cool, keep the conversations neutral, and your friends will like your new girl as much as you do (well hopefully not as much).

5. Saying they’ll do XYZ with no follow through

Everyone has a cell phone these days. Seriously, if you haven’t jumped on the 21st century bandwagon yet then you probably aren’t reading this and are more likely holed up in the mountains catching fish with your bare hands and wrestling bears. Case in point — we’re betting you have access to a telephone. So stop making excuses and just call a girl when you say you will.

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6. Flirting with/checking out other women

Most women have a slight case of the —green eyed monster,” but it’s relatively easy to keep the beast at bay — unless given just cause. That quick glance at the waitress’ cha-chas? Being overly friendly with your knockout coworker? Talking a little too much about Megan Fox? Yep, she’ll notice. We get that you have hormones — trust us we do, too (especially when it comes to anyone whose last name is Badgley, Pitt, or Damon) — but do yourself a favor and keep them under control around us, or jealousy will rear its head. And yes, it will get ugly.

7. Baby talk in bed

Urban dictionary defines baby talk as —the cutesy gibberish spoken by 1. Babies and 2. Adults speaking to animals and babies.” It’s a bizarre phenomenon really, when grown adults turn into babbling idiots in the cute faces of their pets. That said, while it’s endearing with puppies and bunnies, girls don’t want to be spoken to like that — particularly in the bedroom.

8. Expecting her to act like your mother

Newsflash — women are nurturing creatures. Sometimes men try to abuse their goodwill and start treating them more like mothers than girlfriends — especially in a cohabitation scenario. After all, she’s not there to be a mommy replacement — to clean up after you, take in your dry cleaning, or —make you a sandwich” (thanks teenage boys everywhere for perpetuating this sexist comment). In short, man up mamma’s boy and get your act together.

9. Letting your friends dictate your life

Ladies get it — your bros, brahs, wingmen, fellas, buddies, etc. are really important to you. What women find really aggravating, however, is when you let your friends dictate your life. Ever taken a friend’s advice like —make her jealous to win her back?” Wow, good one man — she just broke up with you. See, while their intentions may be good, they’re not experts, and girls would prefer that you discuss your relationship issues with them instead.

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10. Threatened by her job

Sometimes it seems as though the best way to test a man’s commitment isn’t to gauge his reaction when his significant other is down in the dumps — after all, anybody can deliver ice cream and rented movies — but rather gauge his reaction in the face of success. If the BF is overjoyed for his GF, he is definitely a keeper. However, far too often, men are threatened by a woman’s success — two words guys — not cool.

11. Hypocritical standards

Nobody likes a hypocrite. That annoying —do as I say, not what I do” mentality loses its merit fast — especially when it translates to your relationship. Either adhere to the standards you go by for her, or run the risk of coming off as controlling.

12. Not having your own life away from her

Scientifically speaking, in the first six months of dating, dopamine and serotonin levels peak, creating a form of obsession with your significant other. Once you transition out of this phase, you feel attached to your partner deeply, but often begin pursuing interests that have fallen by the wayside. Just don’t forget the step where you start persuing those other interests. Nobody likes a needy guy.

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13. Bringing up previous relationships

Talking about an ex a lot — whether in a positive light, as in —I’m totally at peace with the situation,” or in a negative light — i.e. —I can’t believe I dated that w — —,” sends one very clear, unnerving message — he’s not over his ex. Bringing up past girlfriends to use as ammo in a fight is a terrible idea — lest you want to start WWIII. You don’t have to ignore her existence, but you also don’t need to bring up her name in every convo, either.

14. Treating others poorly

When men are first dating someone casually and trying to impress them, one major red flag is when they treat people poorly. While we sincerely hope he won’t go as far as to put a fumbling waiter in a headlock, just being rude to a taxi driver or making a scene with the cashier worries ladies that they may be dating a narcissistic psycho.

15. Inflated ego

When it comes to dating, big ego = big turn-off. No one likes a know-it-all with an inflated sense of self. When guys talk a big game or boast about past conquests, it makes girls wonder what they’re over-compensating for — and chances are that they won’t stay in the relationship long enough to find out.

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