The Value of Confident Persistence

By Allen Thompson

Maybe you’ve heard the stories. Perhaps it was a relative, or a friend, or maybe you were watching a late-night talkshow and some smashingly beautiful vixen was on telling how she and her husband met.

They’re so in love. They have the perfect marriage. They can’t imagine being apart from one another.

But it didn’t begin that way.

She wasn’t, actually, very interested in him when they first met.

But he pursued her, and he was relentless. It was months, maybe even years, before she finally cracked.

But she did crack. Fell head over heels in love with him... and they’ve been living in a dream world — Happily Ever After since.

How is this possible?

I mean have you not read, more than once probably, that a woman knows within minutes of meeting a man if she’s romantically interested in him or not. Does he not get put in the doable or dontable category immediately? Friend or lover? Hot or not?

How can she eventually fall for a man who she wasn’t immediately attracted to?

Well let me fill you in.

And this “filling in” is going to relate the very essence of being a Don Juan. The very core of becoming the kind of ladies man you’ve always wanted to be.

The key to women, the key to being surrounded by women, the key to being the envy of all your friends, and the key to being a Don Juan... is Confident Persistence.

Confident Persistence consists of deciding what you want, and going for it... and doing it with a smile, despite the numerous obstacles which you will most likely encounter along the way.

Obstacles could, for example, include things like: she doesn’t return your call, she breaks or reschedules the date, she doesn’t flirt with you or laugh at your jokes, she’s hard to talk to, she seems interested in someone else, and, in general, she doesn’t put herself out or go out of the way to convey that she’s interested in you.

In other words, the obstacles are simply how a girl would act who is not highly interested in you.

Now... when we speak of Confident Persistence, we’re mainly talking about women that don’t know you. Women you’ve just met. Or women that you’ve never spent any significant amount of time with. We’re not talking about women you’ve known (and had a crush on) for years.

We employ the techniques of Confident Persistence to get the initial interest up, to get her to relax and open up, to get the phone number, and to get the first date. Confident Persistence is not an excuse for you to continue pursuing a woman that you’re crazy about, but who knows you pretty well, and has no interest in you.

Now there are basically 2 ways to deal with the situation where you’re interested in a girl, but she’s not all that crazy about you.

1) You can give up, move on, next her! And look for someone who is more interested in you.

This is a popular strategy among men who are beginning to learn the “game.” It’s the easy and safe way of dealing with women. And it’s what many guys learn to do as they get older, and begin realizing how much time they have wasted pursuing women who weren’t interested in them.

Of course, the bad thing about nexting a girl is that you don’t get the girl.

And the most common mistake that guys make when employing this strategy is nexting a woman too soon. They flirt with a woman, and she doesn’t flirt back - next. They leave a message on her machine, and she doesn’t call back - next. They plan a date but she calls at the last minute to cancel - next.

In short, they next any woman who doesn’t display immediate high interest.

What’s wrong with this you say?

Well the mistake here is that you’re filtering women based simply upon their initial level of interest in you. You’re filtering women based upon whether they are immediately attracted to you or not.

This is a weak strategy and not one employed by a true Don Juan. It reeks of low confidence, a fragile ego, and fear.

And it’s also a bad strategy.

It’s bad because you’re expecting a woman that you just met, that you may have only talked to for 3 or 4 minutes, or less, to display signs of high interest. You’re expecting some woman that you hardly know, and who hardly knows you, to get excited at the prospect of spending time with you.

Expecting immediate high interest is unrealistic!

Now, of course, it’s possible that this will happen, that she will immediately be overwhelmingly attracted to you... maybe because you are just her type physically, you remind her of someone she used to be crazy about (maybe Uncle Steve), she’s incredibly desperate at the moment, or you were really on top of your game when you approached her and managed to blow her completely out of the water.

All these things are possible, but you shouldn’t rely on them.

You see, when your strategy involves sorting women based upon initial interest levels, you’re placing your entire future into the hands of fate. If she is immediately attracted to you — great! If not — next!

Being a Don Juan is not about sorting women and nexting women. Anyone can sort women based upon their initial attraction levels. That doesn’t take any skill. All that takes is not having a fear of rejection and approaching lots of women... until you happen to luck out and find one who, for some strange unknown reason, is immediately attracted to you.

Being a Don Juan is about getting the women you want. And it’s about taking a woman who has low to moderate interest and, by following a few simple principles, converting that into high interest and, hopefully, an overwhelming desire to see you naked.

Or 2) You can pursue her.

Now the “pursuing” is where it gets tricky and complicated.

You can pursue her in such a way that you come across as being desperate, like most of your fellow Non Juans do, like most guys in this world do. Or you can pursue in such a way that you appear confident, strong, charismatic... like a Don Juan does.

So let’s talk about how a Don Juan pursues women. Let’s talk about the 6 major characteristics of confident persistence.

And remember, Confident Persistence is not just persistence. Confident Persistence is the process of displaying certain personality characteristics which actually make you more attractive to women... as you pursue them.

1) A Don Juan never gets upset.

A Don Juan is always in complete control of his emotions. He doesn’t get mad when a girl fails to return his call. He doesn’t become depressed when she breaks the date. He doesn’t get jealous when she flirts with some other guy. He doesn’t become irate when she doesn’t show up at the restaurant or she shows up late.

He doesn’t react in any of these ways because he expects these little annoyances to occur. He understands that women are flaky. Women are moody. Women are illogical and very inconsistent. (Especially women with low to moderate initial interest.)

He also understands that it’s too early to expect consistent positive behavior.

Remember, these are women who hardly know you. Maybe women you met at the mall, on the street, at a grocery store. They don’t have any reason yet to display signs of high interest. It’s your Don Juan job to give them the reasons. But that takes a little bit of time together.

Now the higher her interest level is, the less flaky, moody, illogical, and inconsistent she behaves. But we don’t really have to “pursue” highly interested women, do we?

2) A Don Juan does not worry about his ego.

Some guys are too worried about getting hurt, too worried about being taken advantage of, too worried about being made a fool of, and too worried that things are going to turn out badly... to be very effective at pursuing women.

A Don Juan does not worry about these things. A Don Juan is not afraid of rejection, he’s not afraid of being used, he’s not afraid of looking foolish, and he’s not afraid of failing.

His self-esteem is high and firmly grounded. He’s happy and loving life. And the actions of a few flaky, moody, and illogical ladies are not going to change that. And it’s this base of high self-esteem that gives him the confidence to pursue women that seem to be not all that interested in him.

You might even say that a Don Juan loves the challenge of peaking a girl’s interest, closing for the phone number, getting the first date, and then converting her low interest into high.

3) A Don Juan is not lazy.

Confident Persistence is not really necessary when the girl is highly interested in us right from the start (in other words, when we luck out). Confident Persistence is necessary when the girl has a low to moderate level of initial interest in us.

So we expect problems. We expect obstacles. We expect that she probably won’t return our call, or that she’ll cancel the date, or that she won’t show up, etc.

And we’re prepared to deal with it. We’re prepared to call again and again (until we get a definite no). We’re prepared to have dates canceled or plans altered (we always have backup plans). We’re prepared for her inconsistent and confusing behavior (and ignore it). And we’re prepared to work our way through all the obstacles, confusion, problems, and other drama in order to get what we want.

Getting women is not always easy. Sometimes we have to work a little bit. But like they say, anything worth having is worth working for.

(Special Note: there are a number of very cool strategies that one can utilize to increase the probability of her giving the number, her calling back, her accepting the date, and her actually showing up. Look for those in a future article.)

4) A Don Juan has options.

One of the main reasons a Don Juan is able to control his emotions, that he doesn’t get upset or worry about things, is that he’s always pursuing numerous women at the same time.

He realizes when he begins his pursuit of any one particular lady, that things may not work out. He may never get her and he’s fully prepared to deal with the situation. So he has other options.

Do you really think you’d sit around worrying, or get upset, or concern yourself with “protecting your ego” if you had a date with Susan on Wednesday, a date with Kelly on Friday, two other women calling you all the time, and a stack of 9 or 10 different phone numbers sitting on your dresser?

Of course not, you’d be relaxed and confident. When a girl doesn’t return your call, it wouldn’t faze you a bit. When she cancels at the last minute, you’d feel like laughing. When you see her flirting with some other guy, you’d kick back and enjoy the show.

This is not to say that you’re a player, or that you don’t prefer one woman over all the others. It’s just that you’re smart enough not to put all your eggs in one basket until you’re positive that she’s puttin all her eggs in there as well.

5) A Don Juan accepts the inevitable games and tests.

The fact that women play games and test men does not make them bad people. It just means that they have lots of options (many guys who are interested in them) and they have had to come up with tests (often administered in a non-conscious fashion) as a way of filtering their pursuers into the Average Guys and the Real Men.

If you follow the basics of being a Don Juan, you will always pass the tests and blow away the competition. So a Don Juan doesn’t worry much about these little tests.

But even if you do, even if you pass the initial tests and she becomes highly interested in you, don’t expect the tests and games to stop. Never expect that things will get logical and easy with women. They won’t.

For example, she may be very very attracted to you and still not return your phone calls, or she might break a date, or flirt with other guys, or some other such thing. Why?

Because she knows, from years of reading Cosmo and discussing “strategy” with her friends, how to play the game. She knows about playing hard to get, hot and cold, social proof, being busy, etc. And when she finds a man that she really really wants (that would be you, Don Juan), by golly, she’s going to use all these little tricks and techniques to try and keep him.

So don’t let it upset or confuse you. Take it as a compliment that she’s putting in all this effort to keep you interested.

6) A Don Juan knows that he’s special.

The entire basis for employing Confident Persistence is knowing that you are, not just a great guy, but the best guy she’s ever going to meet. You know down deep in you soul, that if you could just get a block of her time (a date or two) that you could blow her away and make her forget every other guy she’s ever known.

Beautiful women are everywhere. Go to any mall, or nightclub, or office building, or just walk down a crowded sidewalk. Beautiful women are not that rare. You see them all the time.

But you are rare. You’re a Don Juan. How many guys do you think are Don Juans? How many do you think are really good with women? Well, my friend, it’s very very few. That I know for a fact. But if I had to make an educated guess, I’d say maybe 3 out of 100 guys are good with women, and maybe 1 out of 1000 is Don Juan good with women.

If you keep these numbers in mind, if you keep in mind that the number of drop dead gorgeous women far exceeds the number of Don Juans, you begin to realize that “Hey, I’m the one who’s special here. I’m the guy that all these women are looking for.”

This must be your mindset. This is the mindset of a Don Juan.

To help crystallize the principles of Confident Persistence for you, how bout a real-life example of a Don Juan who regularly employs Confident Persistence to charm the ladies? I’m talking about the man himself, James Bond. (Okay, okay he’s not really real.)

Any Bond fan knows that James does not always have immediate success with the ladies. Sometimes the women are not interested in him, sometimes they despise him, sometimes they’re bitter evil enemies, and sometimes they actually want him dead.

Do these “minor” obstacles ever bother James? No way. Whenever a woman acts like she’s uninterested, despises him, or wishes he were dead, what does he do? He just smiles.

He knows that no woman can resist him... for long. He knows that he’s special. And he employs all of the above principles of Confident Persistence to charm and disarm the ladies.

So when playing the field of beautiful ladies, keep the principles of Confident Persistence in mind: never get upset, forget your ego, don’t be lazy, accept the tests and games, have plenty of options, and, most importantly, always remember that you’re a Don Juan and any lady would be lucky to even have a shot at you.

Online Nerds için Dating

How to Cold Approach on the Street

There are tons of ways you can approach your approaches. None are fool-proof because: 1. Your tone and body language matter much more than the content. 2. Openers are worthless if you don’t got game to back them up.

The 3 Second Rule

So important. As soon as you spot your target, and she spots you it is time to make your move. Don’t think or plan, just force your body to walk up to her. This makes the approach feel more spontaneous and you don’t come off as a creepy stalker.

Dealing with Moving Targets

This is really difficult to do because most people don’t like to be interrupted when they are on their way somewhere. You are better off following from a distance to see where they end up.

I am not encouraging stalking here! The difference between stalker and Don Juan is that you approach and engage your target in a conversation. Keep this in mind.

Eye Contact

It’s amazing how many people you can actually get to say “hi” to you. All you have to do is hold eye contact with confident body language and flash a sincere yet subtle smile at them. The smile is important, make sure it is a slight smile where your eyes scrunch up a little and the corners of your lips turn up, no teeth showing. Think Mona Lisa.

This is a very inviting face to present to people and it also gives them a feeling like they already know you. Many times they will say hello, but even if they don’t, I find they are more open towards me when I start off my approach this way.

Introductory Openers

“Hi!” (smile) “Hey, how’s it goin?” “Hi my name is X, and I enjoy meeting new people. What’s your name?”

These work okay, but you better have some tight follow-up because you got less than ten seconds before she decides whether or not you are worth talking to.

Observational Openers

You take in your surroundings and also pay attention to how she is reacting to her environment, then you comment on it.

It could be anything from “Wow, the city sure is beautiful in the Spring.” to “Damn, look at the size of that guy! I seen some fat people in my life, but he takes the cake!”

It doesn’t matter as long as you open with the mentality that you already know this chick. If you can reframe your thinking to treat these hotties like they are your friends right off the bat, you are well on your way.

The first pickup I ever made in my life was using this opener. I was on the subway sitting next to this hot Asian girl and at the other end of the car were a bunch of rowdy high-school kids who were play-fighting and saying the most lewd and inappropriate things really loud, generally causing a big scene. A few older people were put-off and moved to another car.

I turned to the girl, shook my head and said, “Kids, these days”. She was like, “I know! Can you believe how these guys are carrying on? It’s so embarrassing!” We talked for a bit about the declining standards of education and how kids were getting dumberer. She laughed at my mispronunciation, and then her stop came up. As she was gathering her things to leave, I told her that the streets were a dangerous place full of stupid thugs and asked if she wanted to be escorted home by a strong man who would protect her. I was expecting her to say “no thanks” like all the other girls I had unsuccessfully tried to hit on, but she surprised me by saying “sure!” I walked her home and she said she was hungry so we grabbed dinner and afterwards went for a moonlit stroll.

Opinion Openers

Ask for a female’s opinion on just about anything.

At the mall “Hey, I need a woman’s opinion. What do you think of this cologne/shirt/shoes?”

On the street - “Excuse me, but I am new in town and looking for a nice place to eat/shop/etc can you recommend any?”

Using Time Constraints

Take the pressure off of yourself by saying that you only have a few minutes to talk because your friends are waiting for you, or you have an appointment, etc. This disarms them from thinking that you are trying to pick them up.

Here is an example from a pickup I did recently on a girl who was eating by herself in the outdoor section of a restaurant.

ME: Excuse my interruption, but how is the food here? Is it good (said in a so-so tone) or is it goood (said in an impressed tone with a smile)

HER: Oh, It is goooood (mimicking my tone)

ME: Alright cool... hey, mind if I sit with you for a second? I am supposed to meet my friends in a few minutes and I hate to just wait around doing nothing.

She invites me to sit and I continue:

ME: To be honest, I am a little nervous, I haven’t seen these guys in years and they always used to pick on me for being so shy. I always looked up to these guys in a big brother sort of way. (pause) Say, you know what would rock? When I meet them, I’ll pass by again, so just flirt with me hardcore and I will pretend to be fighting you off, okay?

HER: (laughing)

ME: Don’t worry, this can work both ways, if you ever need a pretend boyfriend to show off as a trophy, I would be glad to help you out!

HER: Haha, but I already have a boyfriend.

ME: Hey that’s great! I bet he is secure enough in your relationship to let you rent a boytoy for the evening.

HER: (giggles)

ME: Tell you what, I have to run, but you seem like you have a good sense of humor. I like that. (Hand her pen and paper) Let’s get together sometime for a few laughs, bring your man if you want. Or you can just use me to impress your girlfriends.

Hehe, she wrote down 3 different numbers and her email and made me promise I would call her.

Suggestion Opener

You can also give your opinion as an opener. Keep the opinions sexually neutral though. Don’t tell her how hot/beautiful she is or gawk at her chest, remember eye contact!

For instance, at the video store as she is selecting a flick - “Oh man, don’t rent that one! (pause and let her ask why) It is a waste of time & money! I watched it for like 10 minutes and wanted to shoot myself!”

or on the flip side “That is an excellent choice, one of my favorite books/films of all time! (pause for reaction) If you like this book/film then you will love xyz...”

You can apply this opener almost anywhere people are buying stuff. Just change the wording around.

Favor Opener

Have her do you a favor right from the start.

Ask her to hold something for you, or watch your bags for a second and then leave her for a minute. You build suspense because in the time that you leave her there, she is wondering “who the hell is this?” When you come back you have license to kino and be affectionate with her because she earned it.

I don’t just use this for an opener either. You’d be surprised how many girls are willing to do you a favor if you ask nicely. I find that they actually love to help and are more receptive to my advances because they earned my affection. I will usually hug them and say “You are the best!” and give them a hundred little kisses on the cheek.

8 Types Of Women To Avoid When Dating

There are women that man should avoid dating. Here are symptoms to watch out for:

1). Too feminist. This type of woman, and believes it is assumed that man is the cause of all pain and suffering society. It was her strong belief that women are much smarter than men and are able to do things "right way".

Men would not want to spend some time with these types of women, everything you do will always be negative for them. They can never be happy man.

2). Material Girl. It is shortly after the money! These types of women are "high maintenance". Are not only expected, but often require that one should finance her entire life in luxury. To her, man is obliged to pay for dinners, drinks, trips, jewelry, flowers, etc., while they absolutely feel the urge to retaliate or guilt.

Simply put, she is a prostitute in disguise. She is a greedy person who has no perception of the feelings of others and its only interest is to achieve and get what he wants. Never be fooled, some seem to be the first really nice, until they know that you do something for them. He begins to ask for material things!

3). Hopeless romantic. These women live in a perfect world of romance novels, where love and relationships are perfect and her night and shining armor will always come and live happily ever after.
Always been pampered her and "princess" and the idea that what is real life. Will expect the man to take care of her constantly and that all her wishes have, if not, it may prove a bridge screaming.

4). Angry girl. Similar feminist, she really hates men. They often look at people long list of all accounts of injustice and violations of every man, that joint relationship. To her, all people are "goose bumps", "pigs". and jerks. These women are boiling mad at the man who can explode at any given time.

5). Uncertain Miss will seem very pleasant, loving and accommodation on the first treatment of the men very well. Later, when all her innermost feelings of uncertainty up to the surface, it can be uncomfortable calling a man, which dates back at least ten times a day asking where you are, or that just missed his voice.

This woman requires frequent and ongoing assurance that you love her and find her attractive because of this uncertainty, constantly worried about your hair, make-up, clothes etc. She can be clingy and needs constant attention, and urges you worrying about your thoughts that it will soon leave, if you find someone better.

6). Abstract and elusive type. She is romantic, but with a mysterious dark side. She has been hurt in past relationships and it was not over him. These bad experiences way she unconsciously stopover from or damage to her new relationship.

It will be very frustrating to deal with as the first, it will show great interest in man, but flee quickly when the cycle will be repeated again and again. Will date and flirting with a man, but will insist that the two remain friends.

7). Desperate Miss She is desperate to get married. May not even want to know, man, she just wants to trap him and bring him to the nearest altar!

8). Control type. She can be very annoying in a very subtle way, but when the opportunity will direct every phase of human life. She will always "say" what a person wears, where a man must go who should talk to a man who may have a person like my friends, what one can and can not eat, as in everything! One can not insist on its own rights or else, not sex, a lot of crying, screaming, pouting, and everything just man give in.

All people, watch out!

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Man Makes Dating Site… But Only For Himself

By Amy Rolph

Chas McFeely really wants to find a wife.

“For realz,” to use his own words.

The San Francisco-based advertising executive recently launched the site hookchasup.com to, well, hook Chas up. (Dot com.) And here’s the best part: If you set him up with the woman he marries, you get $10,000.

I’m mentally scanning my female friends for candidates now. But enough about how any of them would make great marriage partners. (Are you reading this, Chas? Did you hear me?)

McFeely told mademan.com that he never expected many people to look at the site, but it didn’t really work out that way. Now he spends his evenings sifting through “pick me” emails about more prospective partners than he can process.

“If I can’t find my future wife out of the hundreds of emails I’ve already gotten, I should probably move to Alaska,” he told mademan.com.

If you visit hookchasup.com, you’ll find out he likes reading, the music of Cat Stevens (at least he owns the record), playing Scrabble, and thinks of the glass as “eight tenths full.” And if he captioned those photos himself, he has a pretty good sense of humor.

In his defense, McFeely says he’s tried dating sites and friend setups in the past, but never with much luck. He even considered hiring a high-end matchmaker, but ultimately decided to take the reigns of his own fate. He doesn’t have a “type,” but says he prefers someone with a “creative edge.” (Although he doesn’t rule out falling for a brainy scientist.) While he admits to having been a perfectionist in the past, he says he’s no longer looking for flaws. In other words, he’s loosened up with age.

Personally, I can’t wait for the movie version of “Hook Chas Up.” Casting directors, might I suggest offering Topher Grace the title role?

Whites Prefer Dating Whites Online

U.S. whites prefer to date members of their own race, while blacks are more likely to cross the racial barrier to find romance, researchers suggest.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, analyzed the racial preferences and online activity of 1 million profiles of U.S. singles looking for love online at a major Internet dating service from 2009 to 2010.

The online dating service asked subscribers if they wanted to date only within their race, or if they preferred someone outside their race, or if they were open to dating someone of any race.

Lead author Gerald Mendelsohn and colleagues say they compared the online daters’ stated preferences with the people they actually contacted.

“Those who said they were indifferent to the race of a partner were most likely to be young, male and black,” Mendelsohn says in a statement.

“Whites more than blacks, women more than men and old more than young participants stated a preference for a partner of the same race.”

More than 80 percent of the whites contacted whites and fewer than 5 percent contacted blacks — a disparity that held for young and older participants.

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Has Facebook Changed the Dating World?

In a society that is driven by gadgets, money and social networking sites, it is no wonder that Facebook has become a part of everyday life. The ability to share news and photographs at the click of a button from the comfort of your own home is certainly appealing. Sure, Facebook makes communicating easy and sure, Facebook allows you to stay in touch with people you would otherwise never see, but using these sites to date over the internet? Is that really what the world has come to? Gone are the days where one had to actually drive to someone’s house and knock on their front door if they wanted to see them.

Technology, including Facebook, has made us lazy and stolen our social skills. It is so easy to make a flippant request over the net when you’re not talking to someone face-to-face; heaven forbid if we actually had to pick up a landline phone to ask someone to the movies so that they could hear the sincerity, or lack of it, in our voice. Social networking sites such as Facebook have made it too easy to organise dates with people that we know, and people we don’t. Honestly, how well can you know someone that you meet over the internet? So what if they’ve made a couple of jokes, made you laugh and seem genuinely nice? A lecherous old man could be sitting behind the computer screen!

What we also need to realise is that the internet gives people fake courage. Some people might be able to ask their monitor out for dinner, but if it came to asking you out to your face, they would most probably flee. As a seventeen year-old female, I can honestly say I’ve seen my fair share of dates organised through technology. Sadly, the majority of these dates end the same way. Through an e-mail, an SMS, or simply a line on your Facebook wall where it is visible to everyone.

The teenagers of today have become cowardly, and when I say teenagers, I mean both male and females. People who wouldn’t normally talk are communicating online, and what good is it doing? Does this mean the relationship will remain solely online or via mobile phones? If you’ve never spoken a word to their face before, what happens when you see them down the street? They might be you’re number one friend online, but what do you say when you actually see them? To me, these unexpected, casual meetings in real life will be, at the minimum, extremely awkward.

And no, I’m not being naA?ve or narrow-minded. I’ve heard the love stories where the average, single girl meets her prince charming online and they live happily ever after. I’ve heard the people who claim they would never have met their soul mates had Facebook not been created. I know their stories, but how often does this actually happen? We all know the answer. Not much. Not much at all. Out of all the Facebook members and people who have a social networking account, these fairytales occur maybe one in a million cases, maybe less. Either way, the badly ended relationships far outweigh these magic, romantic stories.

Facebook is a great way to communicate; I honestly believe that. But when dating is involved, a little, old-fashioned bravery in terms of face-to-face communication would not go astray. I mean, really, how can you honestly know who you are talking to online? You can’t truly know a person simply from interacting with them online, not even in this day and age. We’re all waiting for our fairytale. We all want our very own happy ending. But Prince Charming, if you really are out there, please just give me a call. I’d rather hear you’re voice.

Single And Dating In My 40s

By Ele Pawelski

Single and 40, I moved back to Toronto after a decade of working on human-rights projects in developing countries. I was ready to settle down and find a soulmate, preferably one who liked to travel and could locate Afghanistan on a map.

Dating in my 40s was not going to be like dating in my 20s. I was wiser, more confident and knew myself better. On the flip side, the unromantic conditions of my overseas life had caused severe loss of dating know-how.

“What’s dating again?” I quizzed friends.

Right, a leisurely activity where you chat with someone over a drink or a meal to discern whether an intimate long-term relationship is possible. Conversation should be relaxed and flow without awkward silences. If you find the person attractive, interesting and fun, you arrange to meet again. I could do this.

My reintroduction to dating in Toronto was set to happen at a hip downtown bar with a couple of friends. I donned a pair of jeans, a stylish top, some lipstick. Memories of university romances danced in my head as I practised flirting in the mirror while holding a glass of wine. This became known as Plan A.

OMG. Not only were all the patrons under 30, but the women were dressed in sexy outfits I would never wear. Predictably, no one noticed us except the bartender. While we were discussing our next move, music suddenly started blaring so loudly it killed the conversation. We bailed. Our trio of not-wanting-to-be-cougars raced back to my place and my stockpile of red wine. It was 10 p.m.

Plan B: Sign up for an evening of speed dating.

Three-minute conversations are incredibly short. Once you’ve found out each other’s professions and hobbies, likes and dislikes, it’s already time to move on. There’s barely enough time to jot down a name, let alone envision holding hands on a moonlit beach. At the end of the evening, the faces and conversations blurred together; not a single guy stood out as someone to see again.

Plan C: Meet a guy at a class or a sports league. Meeting men through mutual friends was no longer possible, as none knew any single and dateable guys. So I joined a beach volleyball group. Sundays that summer became a joyous mix of sand, sun and beer. And I met someone.

We dated for six weeks before I broke it off. To me, that seemed equivalent to six months in single-and-fortysomething years.

Encouraged by such a long relationship, I grew bolder. Conversations with other singles netted valuable information about meeting mates online. I was amazed at how quickly and openly they broached the topic of Internet dating: “Hi, so which sites are you on? How are they?”

Still, I was skeptical. Dating online screamed, “I am an old-fashioned dimwit that’s completely unable to meet and/or converse with potential mates.” But single friends eventually convinced me that online dating was the most straightforward way to find a partner once you’re out of school.

Plan D: Create a savvy Internet persona and nickname.

At first, I scoured each profile and crafted individualized messages. About eight dates in, I got my groove and began to send more messages with fewer words. I started dating up a storm, sometimes two a night back to back.

The guys were entertaining, the restaurants nice, the conversations fun, but disappointingly there were no real sparks. None turned out to be the optimistic, self-assured traveller I was looking for. My approach needed a change. Instead of a restaurant, perhaps an activity would give me more insight into his personality and possible shared interests.

So my next date unfolded at a photography shoot for a band. He took photos with a passion that was endearing. Photography, which we both enjoyed, was also a good focus for our conversation. Sharing the same sense of humour, we laughed and talked into the wee hours of the night. Parting, we set up a second date for the coming weekend.

On Saturday at my place, two coffees were steaming on the table as soft music played in the background. According to my research, the second date was when you delved into your potential partner’s past to suss out any family skeletons or Ponzi scheming. I wanted to be in comfortable surroundings in case of an unpleasant secret.

In this intimate setting, we each shared our biggest life challenge. His was an unfinalized divorce, mine a new career path but no actual job. Mulling it over, we concluded our baggage was manageable in the bigger scheme. After all, dating in your 40s is not a fairy tale. But was the chemistry from the first night still there?

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

Butterflies in my stomach, I nodded ecstatically. It was a supreme Bridget Jones moment, and revealed that some aspects of dating remain the same at any age. This was a guy worth pursuing.

My final tally: an awkward bar night, a speed-dating adventure, a summer fling and 19 decent Internet dates to find one terrific soulmate. Not bad.

It was at times exhilarating, at times overwhelming, at times disheartening, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Opening up to new methods of dating, while remaining true to myself about the type of guy I wanted to meet, was part of the experience.

A year and a bit later we’re still together. Fingers crossed.

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Mind Your Words

Looking for love online and thought you could get away with spelling errors? Then you’d better mind your writing style. A research done by the Queensland University of Technology, Australia, says that spelling errors, wrong grammar and use of too many exclamation marks can be a major put off for some.

If your writing style is not impressive enough, you face the threat of easily being dismissed by those looking for a potential partner.

Ask 20-year-old design student Samaira Singhal, who says she judges the date-worthiness of a guy while chatting within the first few minutes. “If he goes on messing up his grammar, or uses wrong spellings, I know he is not dating material. Typos are pardonable to some extent but not messing up your language.” Stylist Dolly Gupta too hates conversing online with someone who has a pathetic writing style.

“That’s the very first parameter of judging a person. It’s not as if you have to display your brilliance, but some basic etiquette is a must. If a guy can’t spell words rightly, or goes on typing in capital letters, I know he will bore me after a while.” People are also judged on the online names they use. Names like ‘rock star’, ‘dashing guy’ and ‘loner dude’ can be disappointing too. “I would rather go for a ‘Vikram Ahuja’ than chat with a ‘hot hunk’. I can’t take such people seriously,” says Guha. Psychiatrist Samir Parikh has a different take on the topic, though. “It’s unfair to judge someone on the basis on his language skills. Communication goes beyond grammar. People are giving too much importance to their online life and expect the same from others.”

Hone Your Net-etiquette

1. Choose your words carefully. Avoid using phrases, such as, ‘hi baby’, ‘hey sweetie’ or ‘hello sweetheart’ unless you want the girl to block you forever.

2. Slangs are a strict no-no while dating online, unless of course you want to be tagged as a rude, ill-mannered person.

3. Try to be precise and steer clear from repeating words. Repetitions bore the person.

4. While chatting with someone for the first time, do not ask too many personal questions.

5. Don’t keep sending fun mails or social messages to someone you are dating. It may be great for you, but not for everyone.

6. Using capital letters is like screaming in someone’s ear. Avoid it.

New Dating Site Lets You Bid on Attractive People

By Chris Gayomali

Have trouble landing a date? If your pockets are deep, a new dating website that allows its members to bid on attractive potential mates might be up your alley.

The new website, coyly titled What’s Your Price, allows “generous” bidders to pony up for dates with “beautiful, gorgeous or sexy people,” though it would appear that someone both beautiful and sexy is out of the question. Or maybe you’re an attractive, sexy single who could use some extra cash! (Of course you are.) The website states, “If you’re beautiful, we are the only dating site that guarantees you will get paid to spend time meeting fun and generous people.” After an initial haggling process, a conversation becomes unlocked between potential suitors, allowing them to arrange a date themselves.

What’s Your Price even has a First Date Etiquette section to ensure that your transact... I mean, er, date, goes down smoothly. (Like “Cash is King” or “Report people who send money using Western Union.”) Classy? You bet.

I know what you’re thinking: “How is this not prostitution?” The site’s founder and CEO, Brandon Wade, asserts on the site’s blog that bidding for a date is more akin to charity than an escort service:

“When capitalism is mixed in with dating, all of a sudden people start concluding “it must be prostitution”. But does paying money for a cup of coffee every morning mean Starbucks is engaging in prostitution? Does paying for gas every time you fill up at the gas station mean that Mobil or BP is pimping? Does donating money to the Church every Sunday morning equate religion to prostitution? Obviously NOT, and obviously buying a First Date isn’t either.”

See that? Being attractive: It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

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Dating Site Inspired by Women Launches in Australia

Women go “man shopping” and men vie for their attention on MrRight.com.au, the first Australian dating site where women date on their terms. On MrRight.com.au, women add the men they like to their shopping cart to open a communication channel – it’s the only way that men can get in touch. Then, they can send one another messages for as long as they like. If the conversation doesn’t go their way, women can remove men from their cart just as easily to close the channel.

The concept behind MrRight.com.au also works well for men. It allows them to take a step back and let women choose them. Guys no longer need to spend hours browsing through thousands of profiles for the perfect match. They also save time and money sending messages that may never be read. All they need to do is create a profile and keep it online for as long as they’re available and looking.

MrRight.com.au was inspired by women and the stories of their sometimes unpleasant online dating experiences. On traditional dating sites, it only takes a few men behaving badly to spoil everyone’s fun. Internet forums are rife with stories of women receiving aggressive or sexually charged messages from contacts on online dating sites. Likewise, they can also be put off when their inbox is filled with “Pokes”, “Likes” or other short messages.

Matt Right, founder of MrRight.com.au comments: “MrRight.com.au changes online dating as we’ve known since the early 90s. For the first time, women date online on their terms and men compete for their attention. The response we’ve seen from men and women of all ages has been overwhelming”.

Secret Online Dating Tips Revealed

Want to know the secret of successful online dating? Try these tips by Harvard math majors.

OkTrends (blog.okcupid.com) is a blog written by the founders of OkCupid (www.okcupid.com), a free, online dating site that counts 7 million visitors each month.

Every six weeks or so, the bloggers - all former math majors from Harvard - examine the gold mine of dating data collected from their members’ online interactions. They sort and sift, crunch and correlate, catching whatever nuggets of mating wisdom fall out.

Then they post a report of their findings - and the resultant dating tips - often with pop culture references, statistical graphs and pictures of half-naked young men and women.

“It’s our version of an advice column,” Los Angeles Times quoted Sam Yagan, OkCupid’s chief executive.

“We love the fact that our own data tell us what works on a date,” Yagan added.

Even scientists analyse the tips and the results are divided.

“I’m a big fan,” Northwestern University social psychology professor Eli Finkel told Los Angeles Times, adding that the posts are ’generally insightful’.

Viren Swami, co-author of The Psychology of Physical Attraction, was less enthusiastic, saying: ’They could also potentially be very misleading and, at worst, quite far from the truth’.

According to the scientists, women were told to flirt with the camera for their profile photo. If they made what OkCupid called ’flirty-face’, they received on average 1.5 additional messages per month.

That’s because a woman’s smile is well-documented as a signal of sexual interest.

’Flirty smiles trigger what we call men’s sexual over-perception bias,’ said David M. Buss, psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin and author of ’The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating’.

This advice is only, however, for women. Men were ordered to be aloof on camera. When they did so, they had a roughly 90 per cent success rate with their emails than otherwise.

“There is good evidence that men high in status smile less and that smiling is sometimes interpreted as a sign of submissiveness. Also, some male smiles can look like leers, so it’s good to avoid those,” Buss told the LATimes.

The data also showed that women who took their ’flirty-face’ to the next level by showing a bit of cleavage had better results - vastly better results as they got older.

According to OkCupid, an 18-year-old woman with a cleavage shot in her profile gets 24 percent more contacts per month on average than more demure 18-year-olds.

If she does it at age 32, that jumps to 79 percent more than her buttoned up peers.

“Women’s mate value declines with age,” said Satoshi Kanazawa, evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics, co-author of “Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters’.

But they can compensate for their decline in mate value by showing their cleavage.’

’It’s bait,’ Dr Peter Jonason of the University of South Alabama said.

For men, the inverse is true. Male online daters should show off their six packs in their profile pictures, but only if they are young.

That’s because women in their 30s are less interested in the man’s body than whether or not he will be a good provider, clinical psychologist Marianne Brandon said.

Another tip was both to subtract two inches from the height your potential date claims to be - and 20 per cent from their salary.

For men, the experts said, this makes sense. Height suggests good health and genes; while wealth, obviously, suggests resources. ’Men deceive about their status and income in order to make themselves seem more desirable to women,’ said Dr Buss.

Women, however, may not be lying, Kanazawa argued.

If a woman is trying to get dates online, he argued, she must be having difficulty in real life. That could be because she is Amazonian - both men and women prefer that the man is taller.

They also may have a bigger paycheque than the average man - and the very average man prefers, by and large, to be the one who brings home the bacon, he said.

¿Es usted un camarero que data?

Give the Barman a Shot!

I recently went out on a couple of dates with a bartender. My friends are horrified and think I’m setting myself up for immediate disappointment. My only argument against them comes in the form of Miranda and Steve from “Sex and the City,” which I admit is a flimsy reference. Is there life with a guy whose work starts way late and revolves around slinging drinks to cute girls?

— Sarah H., Brooklyn

No one should judge your choice of men. Period. First of all, what person hasn’t started off bartending or working in a restaurant? I know I have. If you really like him, see where it goes. You won’t know until you give it a try. The only downside are the late nights, but if you think you can handle it, then go for it! You guys just started dating, so you don’t know where he’s at or what he aspires to be professionally. Plus, if it doesn’t bother you, then who cares?

I know you want to believe that your friends have your best interests at heart. But sometimes, advice from friends — who may be in very different places than you and may have very different standards than you — can do more harm than good.

Follow your heart and just go with what feels right to you. If you don’t mind the late nights and you trust his actions with all the “cute girls,” then don’t let his current job stop you from seeing where this could go. After all, while “SATC” was a TV show, the episodes always featured very real experiences, so maybe your situation could turn out to be like Miranda and Steve’s!

I was in lesbian relationships for more than a decade before marrying my husband. Now, I love and only want to be with him. We have two beautiful children, and I’m very happy, but he has zero tolerance for my being friends with any of my exes. In the gay community, though, this is totally normal. I don’t want to just drop them as friends especially since I wouldn’t ask him to do the same. How can I keep my gal pals and assure him that my lesbian days are over?

— Lily S., Westchester

Well, first things first: There is a big difference between “gal pals” and ex-lovers. And as I’ve said time and time again, it’s not appropriate to hang out with people you were previously involved with sexually — no matter their sexual orientation.

I might have to side with your husband on this one. I especially feel for him because you were in relationships with women for 10 years, which is a long time. I’m sure he can’t help but wonder when you’re hanging out with your “gal pals” whether you still feel something for them. I know you said that you’re happily married and only want him, but unless you’re showing and proving that to him on a regular basis — and his hesitancy makes me think you may not be — than he’s got good reason to be skeptical.

There are a few things to take into consideration: First, did he always know about your past relationships and experiences? Second, were you always clear about not wanting to completely cut yourself out of that life? And finally, if so, was he OK with that? If the answer is yes, then he should acknowledge and respect what he signed up for. If the answer is no, then you should understand where he’s coming from. After all, what’s your motivation here? Is it really that important for you to remain friends with your ex-lovers? At a certain point in life, you have to make choices about what’s most important to you. If you’re a committed heterosexual, than I’d like to think it’s most important to please and respect your partner rather than be so concerned with what’s accepted in the “gay community,” which, truth be told, you’re no longer a part of.

Oletko riippuvaisiksi Internet Dating Game?

Dating Site Lets You Virtually Court Your Fantasy Mate

Remember Cloud Girlfriend, that mysterious startup we covered whose tagline was, “The best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one”? Well, it’s finally launched, and we’ve got invites.

The initial conceit of the site, according to founder David Fuhriman, was that it would employ a legion of women to write on men’s walls as “cloud girlfriends,” demonstrating a dude’s popularity to all of his female friends (who would apparently fly into jealous rages over the digital flirting and pounce #SarcMark).

The current iteration of the site is a bit different — what Fuhriman describes as a mix between Match.com and Second Life. Users log in through Facebook and create a profile using a selection of headshots of attractive people (not their own snaps). They then fill out a rather simplistic profile, which allows one to choose between such options as “Books or Movies” (what if you like both?), “Lady Gaga or Lady Di?” (for women only — and there’s no sexual preference options) and “Sunday Church or Sunday Football” (for dudes — apparently it’s church or sports, no in-between).

After looking through a bunch of photos of fake people and their accompanying profiles, you can choose someone to chat with. “We allow people to define their ideal self, find their perfect girlfriend or boyfriend and connect and interact as if that person existed,” Fuhriman says. “It can help in learning how to manage a real relationship, and they then can take it into the real world.” The site makes money by selling virtual gifts and goods.

While we admire Fuhriman’s intentions — he hopes that the site will build confidence and increase sharing and communication (he’s also co-founder of volunteer site 5000Hands) — the whole thing seems a little counterintuitive to us.

By choosing photos that are not, in fact you, the idea could be perceived to be that looks don’t matter. But if that is, in fact, the case, why choose a photo of someone much more attractive than you are in reality when looking to score a date?

The words “ideal” and “perfect” are inherently dangerous when applied to dating and relationships (as rarely anyone is either) — in fact, a recent study by dating site OKCupid shows that women who are more divisive (a.k.a. men find them either ugly or hot) get more attention. Why? Because they let their personality — along with what could be perceived as flaws — shine through.

Why build all your hopes on fantasy when you could get to know a more interesting — albeit flawed — reality?

Still, I guess we can’t really knock it wholly till we try it. Cloud Girlfriend has provided us with 500 invite codes (use the code “mashable”) for men looking to join the site. Apparently, women can join sans code, since the site was initially marketed toward men.

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10 Surprising Signs

You’d have to be crazy to hook up with an abuser, right? That’s what I thought, but after working on our relationship violence story for six months, I was shocked by how smart and cool the women who get fooled are. The thing is, these guys are super charmers, pulling off Oscar-worthy performances of Mr. Dream Dude -- at least while they’re wooing you. And then, when they’ve got you madly in love with them, ka-bang, their violent true colors start showing.

The good news: there are definite danger sings a guy is an abuser before he ever raises a fist -- and they start with you just having a funny feeling in your pit of your stomach. Because possessiveness and control are major red flags, Cindy Southworth, a VP at the National Network to End Domestic Violence, suggests this little test: “Break a date at the beginning when he’s all hot and heavy, and tell him your girlfriend needs you. If he says, ‘I’m disappointed but I understand,’ great. But if it’s, ‘I can’t bear to be apart,’ or he makes you feel guilty, puts your friend down, or gets angry, these are not good signs!”

Here are a few other red flags from Southworth and the whole team of experts at the National Network to End Domestic Violence, both for you and -- in case you’re worried about a friend -- for her:

Watch out if your guy

• Is so crazy about you he wants to settle in as soon as you meet.
• Is really, weirdly jealous. (He should be uncomfortable if you go away for the weekend with your ex-boyfriend, but if he accuses you of flirting with every guy you encounter -- the waiter, the cashier, a gay buddy -- it’s a red flag.)
• Texts so much, it sometimes creeps you out.
• Doesn’t think your friends and family value you enough, or even at all.

Also watch out if

• You are always tired because he keeps you up at night.
• You’re always explaining to people “I can’t go.”
• Your anxiety soars if you’re just a few minutes late -- you know how upset he’ll be.
• Things are always your fault.
• You get a lot of apology emails or make-up gifts from him.
• You find you don’t do anything without him, or without him approving of it.

Run if

• You find out he had a violent relationship with a former girlfriend.
• He stalks you -- at work, online, with GPS in your car.
• He beats up a teammate or has a punch-out in a bar.
• He’s ever been cruel to animals.
• He is ever physically violent to you.
• And if you’re worried about a friend? She might be in trouble if:

She starts saying she can’t come to things you invite her to (because she has to be with her boyfriend).

When you’re with her, she’s always on-edge about returning his messages immediately or being late to meet him.

She has bruises or scratches she can’t explain or tells you they were caused by an accident.

She stops doing things she loved before meeting the guy -- hobbies, shopping, school, even working.

You just feel like you’re losing her.

Have you or a friend ever witnessed any of these warning signs?

The Virgins-Only Dating Website

By Amy Julia Becker

Fewer and fewer Americans are getting married. Those who do are, on average, waiting longer to wed than have previous generations. But according to Time’s “Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution,” women and men still want to meet and build relationships with each other, so marriage remains an ideal. Because of this, reports Stephanie Rosenblum in The New York Times, online dating sites of a remarkable variety have proliferated in recent years. Some are based purely on physical appearance, others focus on hobbies and interests, while others highlight education or the type of computer you use.

Wading into these crowded waters is WeWaited.com, a dating site exclusively for virgins. Only 30 percent of applicants to the site are admitted, and they gain access through a fee and a survey designed to assess their trustworthiness. The site’s founders admit that some virgins are left out due to the rigorous screening process, while some who lie about their sexual activity make it in. But, according to its homepage, WeWaited.com mostly achieves its goal: “to use virginity as a significant compatibility tool to bring people together.”

If movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and covers of Cosmopolitan weren’t enough, sociological data back up the fact that virginity before marriage is rare in the West. According to the Guttmacher Institute, 95 percent of Americans engage in premarital sex. So WeWaited.com offers a safe space for the small segment of the population who want to stay virgins until marriage. It enables partners who value their own virginity to pair up, and it affirms the desire to remain chaste before marriage.

The founders of the site, a husband and wife team who exchanged their “vows and their virginities” on their wedding day, believe virginity is something that goes beyond physical intercourse. They see it as physical, emotional, and spiritual, and believe waiting to exchange their “whole selves” until their wedding was a blessing.

WeWaited.com (formerly called YouandMeArePure.com) is not explicitly Christian, but its view of sex as something involving the whole person aligns with the Christian view. As Wheaton provost Stanton L. Jones writes in the January issue of Christianity Today, sex has meaning, and that meaning is derived from God’s intentions for sex, not from our intentions or desires. For Christians, sex is not a merely physical act, but one with implications for gender relationships, embodiment, procreation, personal fulfillment, and God’s glory. “God made sexual intercourse to create and sustain a permanent, one-flesh union in a male-female married couple,” Jones writes.

So on many levels, providing a space for virgins to meet one another is a good thing. It affirms a biblical perspective on the purpose of marriage as well as the significance and goodness of sex within marriage. And in spite of cultural norms and sociological data that suggest virginity is impossible, WeWaited.com provides proof that it is possible and desirable, if challenging, to remain a virgin into adulthood.

Despite its strengths, the site, and the idea of Christian virgins seeking only fellow virgins as partners, poses problems. First, by narrowing the pool of potential partners to virgins, Christians run the risk of making virginity — rather than a commitment to the gospel — the litmus test of a relationship. God cares about virginity. But, as Paul wrote, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14). A shared love for Jesus matters even more than a pure sexual past when it comes to Christian relationships. Second, although Christians uphold an ethos that supports sexual relations exclusively within marriage, virginity should not become an idol. To eliminate the vast majority of the population — including a good majority of Christians — as potential marriage partners may well emphasize sexual purity at the expense of God’s power to forgive and redeem.

The Bible advocates sexual purity. Further, though, a number of passages demonstrate how Christians should respond to sexual activity outside of marriage. Jesus, for instance, refuses to condemn the woman caught in adultery (John 8). He chooses a Samaritan woman who is living with a man who is “not her husband” as one of the first evangelists (John 4). The text assumes that the women’s sexual activity will be different in the future because of their encounter with Jesus, and with God’s grace, God’s willing and undeserved forgiveness for their sin. “Go and leave your life of sin,” Jesus says.

Similarly, Paul often addresses congregations of new believers who engaged in sexual sin before their conversion. He instructs them with a message of forgiveness for the past and encouragement for new life in Christ in the future. And as Peter writes, “you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do — living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. . .” (1 Pet. 4:3). Contemporary Americans, including many Christians, have sex before marriage. In so doing, they bring harm to themselves and to others. But God’s grace has always been able to redeem sins of the past.

Christians should be concerned with sexual purity. And it is a relief for Christians to find a safe space that does not assume premarital promiscuity as the norm. Moreover, God’s ideal for marriage includes both partners entering a covenant as virgins who give of themselves — body, mind, and spirit — only to each other. WeWaited.com implies that virginity is crucial to compatibility. But the highest concern for Christians in dating, and ultimately marriage, is a relationship based on the love and grace of Jesus Christ, the one who forgives all sin, the one who calls us to forgive one another, the one who can make all things, and all people, new.

Hur till Land en rik man

Dating After Divorce and Other Lessons Learned

By Susan Orlins

After my separation at age 52, I thought I’d simply revert to the lively dating life I’d had in my twenties. It didn’t work that way. Most men my age seemed to have an eye only for women whose necks were long and smooth like a Chardonnay bottle.

I thought cosmetic surgery would help. Then I looked around and, though I saw some women who’d benefitted, I decided the possibility of looking worse was too real. And who wants to have their head stapled anyway?

I threw my self a divorce party, which was a great way to meet people. Plus it gave me a celebratory Auntie Mame aura.

At every opportunity, I cultivated new friendships with interesting men to go to dinner with. I never hesitated to call a guy to join me for an outing.

Everyone said you have to lie about your age. But lying about my age on my online dating profile backfired. If you decide to lie about your age, I suggest preserving the deception. Thinking I was being up front, I’d fess up right away and that was the end before there was even a beginning.

One friend told me he was fixed up with a woman he liked, but he thought she was too young, 48 to his 56. He wanted to age together with someone. Then he learned she had lied about her age, but he never asked her out again.

Avoid using the C-word or references to accelerating a relationship too soon. Some men are terrified of commitment, which everyone knows, but after divorce that kind of memory can dim.

On the other hand, men seem to get scooped up within months of becoming divorced or widowed, so timing is tricky.

I spent several years with Mr. Wrong and it was a wonderful time. I learned to give up notions I had when I was younger of how someone needed to look or act for me to be attracted. I learned to broaden the narrow universe of available men.

I weighed the odds. It took going to around 10 singles events to meet one guy I wanted to go out with. Finally I decided I’d rather spend the time going to a movie alone.

Swing dancing saved me. Just knowing I could go dancing any night of the week gave me a boost. Maybe I’d go once or twice a week. The music, the exercise, the human contact was exhilirating. People were there to dance, so not much for dating opportunities, but doing something I loved was more fun than a mediocre date!

Every summer I try to take a bike trip. Exercise always elevates the mood. Yoga adds yet another dimension. Being kind to your body helps your soul.

Going out with couples can be twice the fun.

Reframing helps. In my case, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I thought about the positives of being able to spend more time with my aging parents. Also I have some treasured friendships that divorce allowed me time to cultivate.

I compensated for the time my children spent with their dad. For example, I began getting up early so we could all have breakfast together before they went to school (which felt like the 50’s, when I was a kid).

I learned from others. One night I heard Paula Allende on C-Span talking about her daughter Paula, who had died. She referred to the remarkable ability of the human spirit to rise above adversity. Wow, if she could, then so could I. Though of course, the loss of a child is something you never recover from the way you can from a divorce.

Divorced with kids means "married for life." So if your ex is as devoted to the kids as mine is, then it improves both your and your kids’ lives to strive for harmony. We have been taking "family" vacations every summer for around 8 years now. We all look forward to that week.

Finally, I learned I don’t need a man to make me whole, in fact, my newest worry is what if I meet a guy I like? Then what?

7 Raisons Pourquoi Rencontres peut être un défi

Dating Online? Beware Of Spelling And Grammar Errors!

Dating may have become hi-tech, but romantic rituals remain much the same, says a new study. Like in traditional dating, online love birds are influenced by non-verbal cues like spelling errors, the number of exclamation marks and the use of grammar.

Zoe Hazelwood, psychologist at the Queensland University of Technology (QUT), who led the study, has found that traditional and online dating are, in fact, very similar.

For example, she found non-verbal communication was also just as important in online dating as it was in traditional dating, according to a QUT statement.

“Although online traditional non-verbal cues are not present, in our research we found people do judge potential partners on things aside from what they are saying,” she said.

“People form impressions online based on things like spelling errors, use of acronyms, amount of exclamation marks, use of grammar - things like that.

“They may not pursue a relationship with someone if they do not like their writing style, or feel they have poor spelling.”

Another habit that is present in traditional and online dating was the tendency to present ourselves as - just slightly - more interesting and interested than we actually are at the start of a relationship.

Online dating has also allowed an avenue for people young and old to reach out and find connections, said Hazelwood.

“One of the things I found pleasing was that online dating stretched across all age groups,” she said. “In our research, one of the participants was a 76-year-old female. She and her partner, who was the same age, met online and were getting married.”

Hazelwood’s research found that traditional daters and online daters had roughly the same relationship success rate - despite many people believing that online dating was not as likely to be as successful as traditional dating.

Uno su quattro coppie si incontrano online

Mobile Dating

The last few years has seen mobile technology come on leaps and bounds, phones are getting faster, smaller, smoother, smarter and much more capable. This has been reflected in the explosion in the choice of applications (apps) that are available for download. These days you have apps that help you find a restaurant, translate text, social network, and compare prices. Even NASA has an app.

It is little surprise therefore that one of the most popular type of apps is the dating app. There are hundreds of them on the Android Marketplace and even more on the Apple App Store, each promising the easiest, most fun way to meet people in “your area”. Flirtomatic, one of the most popular mobile dating services, reported that in 2010 over half a billion “flirts” were sent, equating to about 285 messages per user.

It’s clear that mobile dating has many things going for it but as Flirtomatic indicates in its “Flirt Report” market research; there are important privacy issues to remember when using location based apps.

Lloyd Borrett, Security Evangelist at AVG (AU/NZ), says, “A device knowing its user’s location will enable future innovative services. Within five years users might be able to find someone on a dating site and send (with permission) real flowers immediately to their exact location.”

“Far fetched? Invasion of privacy? Consider that since your phone knows where you are, it becomes the most effective delivery address imaginable. Your address is your phone, which is where you are. But only if you want it to be.”

Giving away your location to strangers has obvious consequences, so here are five tips from AVG (AU/NZ) on staying safe while using location based apps:

Check the source: Only install apps from a trustworthy source - it’s like buying from a shop, or placing your money in a bank account. Try and check the reputation of the app manufacturer. Apps in the Apple store are rigorously checked, while the Android Marketplace is more open with its screening policy.

Check for hidden charges: When downloading an app make sure to understand exactly what the hidden costs are. “Free” isn’t always as black and white as it may seem.

Check your settings: Make sure that the app is only monitoring/reporting the information that you want to share.

Turn it off: Turning off the GPS functionality when you’re not using it will ensure that your privacy is protected. The same goes for removing the app if you’ve stopped using it.

Wear protection: Having an up to date anti-virus on your phone will ensure that it keeps malicious software from sharing information that you want to keep private.

Divorcees Find Love, Recommend Online Dating

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love, get married and live happily ever after.

In today’s world, the realities of your typical fairy-tale romance tend to be a bit more complex.

It can be hard to find Prince Charming, especially for someone who has other responsibilities like work, school and children, and for someone who doesn’t have the social structure to meet new people easily.

Sarah Clark, of Creve Coeur, Ill., knows this firsthand. The 42-year-old is twice divorced and the mother of two small children, 8-year-old Joshua and 6-year-old Lydia.

The bar scene isn’t really her thing, and she said meeting people at church can sometimes be like meeting people at work — if it doesn’t work out, you still have to interact with that person regularly, so it might be a better idea to avoid the situation to begin with.

But where does that leave today’s singles? Apparently, with technology.

More and more single men and women are turning to the Internet to help them find true love. In today’s world, it’s possible to trade the awkward pick-me-up lines for an in-depth survey that lets the computer decide who is compatible.

That’s how Clark met her fiance, 47-year-old Mark Parshall, using the matchmaking website eHarmony. Smiling and settling in to tell their story, the couple laughs about who will go first.

“He tells it so much better,” Clark said.

“They had a free online communication weekend with eHarmony,” said Parshall, who is also twice divorced and the father of two children, 17-year-old Coy and 15-year-old Sara.

“Sarah (Clark) put a thing on there that she wanted to communicate, so I responded back to her,” Parshall said.

The free communication weekend allows users to communicate with their computer-generated matches without paying membership fee. Both Clark and Parshall had been paying members of the site over the past few years — Parshall had just paid for a three-month membership when he met Clark.

“She already knew my age, that I lived in Chillicothe (Ill.), that I was divorced,” Parshall said. “It was Valentine’s weekend, and open communication was coming to an end, so Sarah said if you want to keep contacting me, here’s my email address. It wasn’t long after that we started talking on the telephone, and I would say within two weeks later we met at Red Lobster ... and then we’ve been dating for a little over a year.”

Clark also had an advantage in getting to know Parshall because of the extensive survey eHarmony users are required to fill out when they join.

“They do a really good job of screening out people that would not be a match or would not be a long-term, committed relationship,” Clark said. “The key to it is being honest with your answers.

“You have to decide between what you strongly like and need to have in a relationship versus what you dislike. Values stuff, sense of humor, communication, affectionate. To me, that is where it was at –– the fact that we were so similar in our likes and dislikes,” Clark said.

Clark had used a few other dating websites over the course of about three years and had even gone out with about six other men she met through eHarmony. Parshall had also used other sites, and he has been out with three or four other women.

“Some, you go, and they’re totally different than what they say they are,” Parhsall said. “I’d rather not even have a picture than to have somebody say they’re ‘this’ when they’re totally different. The big thing is you have to be honest with each other. If at the very beginning you can’t be honest with me, how am I ever going to trust you later?”

Both Clark and Parshall admit not everyone looking for love on the Internet has the same goal for a long-term, committed relationship.

“If you’re just looking to have fun, there are sites geared toward that. You just have to be honest,” Clark said.

They also both know people who have fallen victim to online scams. Although online dating may seem very modern, there are some parts of it that are the same as any kind of dating.

Using the communication tools on the website, couples are able to ask questions back and forth in a sort of interview process. There is also the ability to “close” the match, which — just as in dating without a computer — a person can do with or without explanation.

“It’s a human being on the other side of that coin,” Clark said. “What I’m saying is, if you want people to be considerate to you, how can you not be considerate to somebody else? I tried to be an adult about it, and if I wasn’t interested, I told them I wasn’t interested.”

“When we first met, I just wanted friendship because of my schooling,” Clark said of Parshall. “There was a lot of persuasion on his part.”

But Clark said she knew the relationship could go further when she realized she and Parshall share the same spiritual beliefs and he was interested in going to church with her.

The couple got engaged a year after they first met online and are planning to get married on Clark’s birthday, June 23, 2012.

Without the Internet, they both say they would be “just still looking” for true love, and they’d recommend anyone who is still looking to give online dating a try.

“I think the big thing is they have to know what they want, and they plan on being honest,” Parshall said. “If they aren’t honest, and they don’t know what they want, they might as well not even waste their time.”

Should Women Lose Weight Before Dating?

In the 17 years I’ve written about dating and relationships, I’ve learned that the most incendiary topic a male journalist can tackle is anything having to do with a woman’s weight.

The issue came up again this week when Cynthia wrote, “I am, 56, divorced and haven’t been on a date in 10 years. I need to lose at least 55 pounds. Do you recommend I do that before I try to meet someone?”

Frankly, I’m a chicken when it comes to voicing my opinion on weight loss and single women because it always gets me in trouble; women are sensitive about their weight. So, I take the easy way out and seek the opinions of women. The weight loss advice pill is easier to swallow when it comes from women instead of me. Here are some of their opinions on Cynthia’s weight-to-date issue.

Jennifer, Irvine, said: “Prior to re-entering the dating world, Cynthia should lose the weight and do whatever else is needed to maximize her appearance. Is she flabby and in need of better muscle tone? Is she saggy and wrinkly and in need of a face lift? Is she gray and needs to color her hair? Are her clothes flattering and up-to-date or does she need a new wardrobe?

“A good appearance will help her put her best foot forward in the dating world. The No. 1 turnoff for men is an overweight woman. When I look at the senior women who have been unable to find a partner, I mainly see a collection of women who are overweight or physically unattractive for one reason or another.”

Can you imagine if those rather direct words had come from me? I’d be deep in the dog house with women who are weight- sensitive.

Jennifer continued, “Women can rant and rave all they like about the superficiality of appearance, but looks remain the first thing that men notice. To deny this is to fly in the face of reality. Men have been this way all their lives, and they remain that way well into old age. Going back into the dating world is a lot like going back into the job market. First impressions are often critically important.

“I suggest Cynthia get more active in local activities. She should get out of the house at least three nights or days a week. She should find a weight-loss program and join an exercise program. She should join clubs and groups that do things she likes to do. Becoming an active, involved person will make her more interesting to people of both sexes.”

Charli, Tustin, said: “I was 72 when I joined Weight Watchers last July and have lost 46 pounds, and I encourage Cynthia to get involved with this program as it is amazing! I am so much thinner; it makes such a difference in my every day outlook.

“I reached my goal weight in January. I look better, have so much more energy, went down six clothes sizes and am having fun shopping for a new wardrobe. I’m happy and even smile a lot more than before.

“I’m at a point where I will go out with my gal friends and even go out by myself, which has been a very big step for me. I’m enjoying life so much more. Every day, I’m thankful that I finally realized I needed to do something for me and that was to be healthy. I am now more confident about meeting men.”

Cheryl, Huntington Beach: “Her health and wellness is everything—perhaps a daily walking routine for starters.”

Karen, Sherman Oaks: “I once weighed 275 pounds, now weigh 107. I agree about the weight being a top priority, because of health issues...plus the fact that she will feel better about herself and look much younger.

“We all know about the dating roller coaster ride. Cynthia needs to be prepared, and realize that it is different today than 10 years ago.”

Merijoe, said: “I’m a 51-year-old nurse; I suggest Cynthia definitely take care of herself before thinking of someone else. If I don’t feel at my best, it shows. If the weight is no issue to her, then rock on.”

Sounds like most women feel Cynthia should wait to date until she loses weight. I agree, but just saying that will get me in trouble again.

Reader comment: Carl, 59, Dana Point: “Women usually don’t venture out alone; there are often up to four out together. They talk to each other, dance together and don’t give much in the way of inviting a man to their table. If you approach them, they usually reject you, having to appear in control and selective. If you are a guy out alone, you appear to be a loser to women and on the prowl.

“If you have a woman with you, you get the smiles and looks as if other women want to see if they can steal you away.

“When you take a lady out on a nice date, rarely will she offer to split the tab or pay the tip. It says a lot about the character of a woman if she at least offers.”

Read more: San Clemente Times - Should Women Lose Weight Before Dating

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Mobile Dating App SinglesAroundMe Launches Unique Tool for Singles

Location-based mobile dating app SinglesAroundMe (SAM) today announced the official launch of its first of a kind “Destination Search” tool that gives singles the opportunity to see where other singles are in real time at any location of their choice worldwide.

Company founder Chris Klotz said, “singles are finding the tool quite fascinating because they are empowered to see where other singles are gathering, allowing them to decide where the most happening spot is. Missed opportunities and visiting an empty bar are a thing of the past.”

From the input GPS matched location, users can search for other singles from 100 feet to 100 miles of the Destination Search location, and can customize the search results to meet their desires. Results are displayed on a geographical map, where users can then view pictures and profiles and send various types of winks and messages to begin flirting.

The Destination Search tool is used to compliment the main feature of the app called “SAM” search, which displays singles from 100 feet to 100 miles of your immediate location, worldwide. “Now singles can meet other singles serendipitously, when they are on the go” said Chris Klotz.

SinglesAroundMe is quickly gaining market-share in the red-hot location based dating space. The Blackberry version of SinglesAroundMe is planned for launch on Valentine’s Day making it the first location-based dating app on the Blackberry. This will allow smart phone users to communicate with other singles on different phones.

Dress for Dating Success

When a high-profile woman is captured wearing an off-the-wall outfit she’s certain to be the subject of heated debate.

The fashion world thrives on controversy, and most women are not slow in coming forward to voice their opinion on celebrities who dress to impress.

But since those they should surely be seeking to impress are men, it’s noticeable that the male viewpoint is often in short supply.

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So are men really clueless when it comes to fashion - or merely maintaining a diplomatic silence?

We asked a group of switched-on men to take a good look at the style world’s current darlings to find out whether they agreed with the verdicts handed down by the glossy magazines.

VICTORIA BECKHAM - POSH POLISH

Long haul flight? No tracksuits in sight for the fashion designer who seems to look her most chic after she’s just stepped off a plane.

MAG’S VIEW: “When Mrs Beckham tweeted: ’The airport’s my runway!’ boy, did she mean it. Keep up the good work, Victoria, those outfits are well and truly first class.” (Look)

MALE VIEW: Since we all know how much effort she takes to look just slightly glamorous, doesn’t it defeat the purpose somewhat? It’s a weirdly dedicated kind of posh-casual that’s mostly just very dull.

RIHANNA - EDGY STARLET

Her recent S&M confession in Rolling Stone magazine only adds to her controversial style: acres of skin, a dash of sex appeal and that trademark neon red hair.

MAG’S VIEW: “She’s up there with the uber-elite of the A-list in the fashion stakes, with designers falling over themselves to dress her and front row seats waiting for her at every top show.” (Grazia)

MALE VIEW: Rihanna has a style that’s half Disney princess, half sweaty dance hall, and it’s so eclectic that even when she takes a misstep it doesn’t really matter.

LILY ALLEN - VINTAGE VIXEN

Lily’s vintage shop venture has worked its nostalgic charm on her own wardrobe. From twenties to seventies, the singer really knows how to rock a retro silhouette.

MAG’S VIEW: “She’s not afraid to experiment. Lily’s eclectic style has gotten her as much attention as her music, and every designer clamouring to dress her.” (Elle)

MALE VIEW: Lily can wear pretty much anything she likes because she’s so cool and confident. Dresses, jumpsuits - actually, she could pretty much wear a bin bag and it wouldn’t matter. She makes the clothes work for her.

CHERYL COLE - WAG CONVERT

From footballer’s other half to Britain’s sweetheart, there’s no denying Cheryl has got the X Factor when it comes to red carpet dressing.

MAG’S VIEW: “Her wardrobe choices have become as successful as her singles. While filming for X Factor, she had fashion fans watching her every sartorial move.” (Vogue)

MALE VIEW: It’s refreshing to see a bit of simple sophistication - it often feels like there’s an arms/legs/boobs race between celebrities on the red carpet, when, frankly, there was never anything wrong with the old Hollywood kind of glamour.

KATE BOSWORTH - MINIMALIST MAGICIAN

The actress has that rare superhero quality with clothes, transforming something super-simple to a red carpet success story. A slick of eye-popping lippy is all the accessorising she needs.

MAG’S VIEW: “Kate has an amazing ability to take any trend and adapt it to her own style, rather than appearing like she’s wearing a ’look’.” (More)

MALE VIEW: Just goes to show that being over-the-top isn’t everything - all you need is one distinctive (yet classy) piece of clothing, and you can hang everything else around that.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER - HEEL MAVEN

The diminutive Sex And The City star raises her fashion profile by always being the first to get her toes into the towering new ’It’ heels.

MAG’S VIEW: “This lady doesn’t have a shoe cupboard - we reckon it’s more of a warehouse - but either way we’d kill for a rummage.” (Look)

MALE VIEW: Not a fan of her ’statement’ shoes - she always looks like she’d be more comfortable if she had hooves. And her style brings to mind a little girl playing dress-up in her mum’s clothes, which is bizarre but somehow apt.

CAREY MULLIGAN - PRIM ’N’ PROPER

Championed by US Vogue’s Anna Wintour, the British actress has adopted a demure style that sets off that cool elfin crop.

MAG’S VIEW: “With her pixie haircut and sophisticated schoolmarm style, Carey Mulligan has captured the fashion flock’s attention. See how she manages to flawlessly channel a mix of classic and sophisticated (think Audrey Hepburn) with offbeat (think Tilda Swinton).” (Vanity Fair)

MALE VIEW: There’s something about Carey that harks back to the teacher at a school disco. Not in a bad way - she would be the teacher all the boys would be sort of awkward and staring at their feet about - but a teacher nonetheless.

KATY PERRY - KITSCH QUEEN

With an impressive collection of wigs, wacky dresses and neon-bright accessories, the newlywed has made kooky her own brand of fashion. Often cartoonish, she’ll take a look to the limits of taste with rubber dresses and cheeky prints.

MAG’S VIEW: “Strip away the pink and blue extensions, comedy bras and other frills of her cartoonish persona and another side of pop star Katy Perry emerges: a sophisticated femme fatale.” (Harper’s Bazaar)

MALE VIEW: Katy’s never exactly been one for modesty, but she knows how to create a distinctive look and she sticks to it. If there was a dress made out of candyfloss, Katy Perry would be first in line to buy it.

Welcome to the Internet

By Ann Landi

When I first started dating again, in the mid-1990s, after the collapse of a 15-year marriage, the playing field was slightly different. The back pages of New York magazine were crammed with personals ads, which I sometimes studied furtively, even while wedded (didn’t everyone?), wondering sheepishly about greener pastures. But my first real experiences with the guys who took out classifieds were anything but a romp through sunny meadows. One fellow who claimed to look like Tom Brokaw (and he did) cried throughout dinner after describing his most recent breakup. Another who claimed to look like Harrison Ford (he did not) had a voice that carried to the far corners of the restaurant as he expounded on his sex life with his ex-wife (“One night was for her, one night was for me, and one was for the both of us.” Years later, I’m still wondering about that.)

After the date with the second, who at least drove me home in a nifty red Porsche, I called up my about-to-be ex-husband and vented my fury into his voice mail: “Of all the crappy things that happened during the course of our marriage, this is by far the worst. I can’t believe I have to go through this godawful hell of dating all over again.”

Nonetheless I did eventually settle into a four-year relationship with a nice-enough guy but by the time that ended, around the turn of the millennium, the ways in which romantic prospects could advertise their availability had gone through a sea change.

Online matchmaking sites were beginning to multiply with the ferocity of bunnies in the spring, and I entered this brave new world of dating with more dewy-eyed innocence than one should reasonably expect from a woman in her 40s. I signed on with Match.com, then and probably still the biggest meat market for hopeful singles, and posted a couple of fetching photos of myself as well as a write-up about all my fabulous qualities.

Within short order I was corresponding with a guy in Barbados who said he made frequent visits to New York. Winter was fast approaching. A long-distance romance with a man in the Caribbean sounded pretty appealing. He described himself, somewhat mysteriously, as a publisher of online business magazines. (I wasn’t smart enough yet to ask for links.) He looked buff and healthy in his photos, and he knew how to write in complete sentences, observing most if not all the rules of grammar, an endearing quality to a writer. We became quite chatty--all of it on email--about the future of publishing, print versus web.

I had tickets to see Tales of Hoffmann at the Met one Saturday afternoon in early December, and told Barbados Guy it was one of my favorite operas. He wanted to know what I planned to wear. It seemed a harmless enough request, and so I told him: high-heeled black boots, a dressy sweater and a long black skirt, a double-breasted wool coat with gold buttons. He didn’t ask for sleazy or intimate details like underwear. The production, with Ruth Anne Swenson and Bryn Terfel, was superlative. I walked home, happily humming “Elle a fuit, la torturella.” How cool it would be, I thought, if maybe Barbados Guy liked opera too. We could have drinks by his pool and crank up the volume on Fleming and Domingo.

I was delighted to find an email from him in my inbox when I returned home. Maybe he was reading my mind. “Forgive me,” he wrote. “But when I thought of you in your high-heeled boots and long black coat, I came all over my computer.”

My first thought was, Ew, gross. My second was, How could he do such a thing without frying his keyboard?

And there went all thoughts of a winter holiday in the Caribbean.

Such was my introduction to Internet dating, which has had its peaks and valleys ever since. I’ve learned a few things, had some dreadful encounters, and even enjoyed a couple of rewarding relationships via online matchmaking (though none, alas, has yet resulted in a second trip to the altar). Anyone venturing into the postmarital realm of midlife dating invariably winds up on the Web at some point, facing huge challenges. I hope my pratfalls and hard-won experience provide a few guidelines, or at least some amusing cautionary tales.

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