Caught My Husband Online Dating

Hi Meredith,

I have been with my husband for 12 years, and married for almost 10. I am 34 and we have two kids. A few months after my second one was born, I happened upon a dating site left open on my husband’s laptop. He had not only created a profile but also corresponded with several women looking to have an intimate fling. It’s a pay for dating kind of site.

We have had several things going on in our life. He is finishing up his studies. We recently relocated to a new state to be closer to my family. We have never had a great sex life because of issues on both sides. It’s something we have both tried to work on, off and on. I feel the issues are more on his side though (physically mostly). It frustrated me terribly in the beginning, but I learned to live with it because I thought everything else was perfect. He was thoughtful, helpful, always remembered anniversaries, and always had something special planned. We are great friends, I admired and respected him, and I trusted him completely.

When I confronted him about the website, I found out that he had been doing it for six months (from the time my second daughter was a month old). He said he never intended for it to go anywhere, though he did meet one of the women once. But I don’t know how much to believe him. When I first found out, I asked him to not touch anything on his profile until I had time to think about it. And when I finally decided a couple of days later that I needed to go through the site and find out the extent of his betrayal, I found that he had changed some things to tone down what he had done. That eroded my trust further because he had promised he wouldn’t change anything on the site. Now I don’t think I can believe anything he says.

I don’t know what to do. He is a good father. He says he will never do it again. But my trust is lost.

I don’t know if I can leave him. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken family, and I am certain I don’t want to remarry or have any other men in my life. I have always been against marriage and felt that it was only because my husband was so exceptional that it made sense (my father abandoned us when we were kids). A divorce would also cause a lot of heartache in both our families (we are from a country where this is not common).

Is this a big deal or is it a deal breaker? I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to tell my family because I am afraid they will stop respecting him. I have asked him to come clean with his parents because it would make me feel like it’s a sign of being truly repentant. (I am not religious.) It’s been two months since I found out and he hasn’t done it yet. He is seeing a psychiatrist and telling her his life story so that’s more a shoulder to whine and cry on than someone who will hold him accountable for what he did.

Shall we live together and find a way to make this bearable or should I move on? Am I right in insisting that he tell his parents or at least someone who will hold him accountable? He has lost that chance with me since I already found out on my own. What should I do to make this situation livable?

– Looking for Answers, Massachusetts

A: I’m not convinced that things will get any better if he tells his parents, LFA. Sure, you’ll get some temporary pleasure from watching someone else get mad at him, but then what? Don’t assume that he’ll learn a lesson by confessing. Don’t assume that his parents can shame him into being a better guy.

I want you to talk to your inner circle about all of this because you both need support. Forget the redemption and punishment stuff for a bit and focus on getting help from the people who love you.

And please, let’s not assume that the psychiatrist is just sitting around and validating him. That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Tell him that you want to join him at these sessions. And please, see a therapist on your own. Therapy is a good thing.

I wish I could tell you whether to stick it out, but I just don’t know enough about what’s happening in his head. All I can say is that you have to find people to lean on. You moved closer to your family for a reason. This is no time for isolation.

Also know this: Broken families are bad, but so are tense, resentful families who stay together without love and trust. You need to figure out what will make you a happy parent. That’s the most important thing. Find help and start asking questions.

Readers? Thoughts on her telling her community and him telling his parents? What about their sex life? And the online dating? Can a couple move beyond this kind of betrayal? Help.

– Meredith

Guide To Double Dating

When we say double dating, we mean one person seeing two or more people at the same time. As much as the question brings up huge lectures on what’s ethical and what’s not, here’s a six-rule non-judgemental perspective of how you can manage at being such a terrible flirt and enjoy it while you do.

Be honest

When you start going out with someone let them know right away that you are not ready to commit and you are seeing other people. Honesty will save you and the people you are seeing, a sure heartache later. Being honest also helps you build other bonds with them. So, if the ‘dating’ doesn’t work out, they just might become your best friends later.

Don’t double book on the same day

Give yourself and your emotional state the ability to process your experiences. If you go out with one guy/girl in the afternoon and another later that night, you will get confused about both experiences. Stagger the dates over a few days. Also, you don’t want to fall in love with both of them in the same way. The fondness will only grow, eventually, but if you date them too close to each other, you might not know who actually is making you smile.

Make sure you have some alone time

Don’t go out every night with someone. Make personal time for yourself. If you really like both the people you are dating, you will want that time to figure out who you want to stay with. You can also include them in this personal time, but ensure they know this is your time and they’re just there to complement you. This is not about them. This also helps them understand the ‘real’ you.

Put a time limit on the deal and let them know as well

If you decide to date more than one person at a time, your feelings can get jumbled up. Set a time limit to make a decision about where you stand and keep that time limit. If at the end of that time limit you still don’t know who you would pick, tell them that you don’t pick either. (Time apart may help you decide who you really want... if you want one of them that is!). Also having a time limit in your head makes it easier for you to realise what’s happening in you. It helps you keep control of the situation and not end up feeling like a fool for not falling or falling for both of them.

Don’t go to the same places with them

If your jazz lover has a special nightclub he/she likes, don’t take your football player (you get the drift!) to that same place. Avoid the same coffee shops, the same hang-out areas and maybe even the same areas of town you frequent. It’s much easier to deal with two dates if they do not see you dating the other person. They will know, but they do not need to see.

Avoid playing jealousy games

Don’t rub salt in the wound. Period. They’re being understanding enough to accept your ‘wayward’ ways and so give them a break and don’t pit them against each other so obviously. Leave the pitting in your mind, when you’re making the decision.

Why Dating Needs More Politics

By Cristen Conger

If you’re looking for love during this Presidential campaign season (or any time, as a matter of fact), there’s a quick way to figure out whether that online profile incarnate is a genuinely compatible match: talk about politics. Oh, wait. That’s one of the four topics -- alongside money, sex and religion -- Emily Post says young ladies must never, ever broach on a first date, right? Well sure, if you want to be a polite and all, don’t mention the electoral college and super PACs. That said, personal experience has taught me that etiquette quickly curtsies and exits once you’ve found a keeper. And at the end of the night, isn’t dating really just a search for someone who won’t recoil at the sight of you polishing off a couple dozen chicken wings in bed while watching Girls?

Just as we’re loathe to divulge secret habits, such as the embarrassing places we consume take- out, to prospective suitors, a 2011 study quaintly titled “Do bedroom eyes wear political glasses?” found that political views (not-so-surprisingly) aren’t interests we readily advertise in the dating market. Out of the 2,944 online dating profiles the political scientists analyzed, only 14 percent acknowledged politics, with most blandly describing their stances as “middle of the road.” Furthermore, people’s red or blue leanings ranked fourth-from-last out of 27 dating profile interest categories, cozily sandwiched between video games and business networking.

Granted, a Pew Research Center survey published that same year also found an increasing number of Americans shying away from Republican or Democratic affiliations, so maybe that online dating data represented a broader distaste for all-things-Beltway. However, the survey also found that people’s political ideologies were nevertheless entrenched in conservative or liberal values and platforms, which implies that many of those online daters probably weren’t as “middle of the road” as they might’ve wished to appear in hopes of casting a wide dating net. Either way, we clearly seem to think politics and romance don’t go together.

But all of that dainty tiptoeing around donkeys and elephants might do an eventual disservice for folks who are sincerely interested in long-term relationships because like it or not, people tend to end up with politically like-minded people. Another study published in 2011 put thousands of American married couples who had been together anywhere from one to 67 years under a sociological microscope to find out to what extent spouses see eye-to-eye on political and social issues, compared to how they match up on more biologically and genetically influenced traits, like physique and personality. The in-depth data finagling unearthed a bit of fascinating insight: above and beyond similar personality traits, affect and beauty, attitudes on politics and religion held much stronger correlations between husbands and wives. In other words, a tall, introverted Romney fan is statistically more likely settle down with a short, social butterfly Republican than a statuesque bookworm Obama-ite.

It’s also worth noting that the study didn’t just ask participants to check their preferred political parties and call it a day. It polled them on a 28-item index of political and social issues, including abortion, gay rights, living together and immigration. Regardless of how long a couple had been canoodling, those similarities also remained strong. In the words of the study authors: “It would appear humans place more importance on finding a mate who is a kindred spirit with regard to politics, religion and social activity than they do on locating similar mates in terms of physique or personality...”

So even though we’re most likely to end up with someone who shares core values like politics, as opposed to hot-or-not ranking and grade-A personalities, we don’t want to spoil the superficial fun quite so quickly, those two studies imply. Despite the overwhelming empirical evidence that humans generally adhere to assortative mating in which birds of a feather flock together, we want to believe, for whatever reason, that opposites attract. Not to say there aren’t potential benefits of bucking the study findings and crossing party lines. A Bush-Kerry era New York Magazine story profiled a cluster of liberal-leaning singles who had inadvertantly slept with or dated conservatives and reported back red-hot romps, in the words of one source, “because of the forbidden aspect,” dampened only by their guilt of fraternizing with the political enemy.

Now, if playing a round of “Would You Rather: Mitt or Barack Edition” on a date still doesn’t sit well, OKCupid offers another way to deduce a person’s probable political affiliations. Just toss out this head-scratcher: “Do you prefer people in your life to be complex or simple?” According to the dating site’s enormous vault of personal information on would-be lovers, “complexity-preferrers are 65-70% likely to give the Liberal answer. And those who prefer simplicity in others are 65-70% likely to give the Conservative one.”

Or, if you’re looking for a kind of love like I am that knows no political bounds (and aren’t we all?), you can ask extend a more straightforward inquiry -- chicken wings in bed: Check yes or no.