“Can you tell me what makes people snoop…if there are any certain personality factors or something? I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t stop snooping through my boyfriends stuff! I figured out his password and looked at his MySpace and Facebook pages, and even checked his email and voicemail. I’m sure my snooping stems from some type of insecurity, but I can’t help wondering if it is something else.
He likes to look at porn a lot, but our sex life is good so I don’t know why it would bother me so bad. (Yeah, I’m a little jealous cuz those girls all look so pretty and sexy, but I don’t think I’m jealous enough to justify all this snooping, if it can be justified.)
Anyway, I don’t understand why I do it. I check constantly to see what he’s been looking at and when. I don’t think he’s cheating on me. It’s more like I just WANT to know, like I HAVE to know. And I’m positive this cannot be working to strengthen our relationship.
I drive myself crazy obsessing about it, but as soon as I look and find out what he’s been looking at and when, then I’m fine… a little upset at first, but at least the obsession will stop, at least temporarily and I can feel normal again for awhile. I know it’s not fair to snoop through what he does in his private time, but it seems like I just can’t help it.”
Signed,
Snooping Myself Into a Frenzy
I hate it when people tell me what they “can’t ” do. What they mean is they don’t want to stop, start, change — cheating, dealing with abusive relationships, loving someone that doesn’t love them back, enabling an addiction or a bum, or snooping. All it means is that you like things the way they are, no matter how sick or twisted they may be. Repeatedly saying what you “can’t ” do is merely an attempt to absolve yourself of responsibility for your actions,
Doesn’t fly here Missy!
You snoop because you want to. You snoop because there is a payoff. You snoop because it’s exciting and you get a rush of adrenalin from sneaking around doing something you know you shouldn’t be doing. You snoop to justify feeling bad about your relationship. You snoop because you enjoy torturing yourself and feeling pain. You snoop looking for trouble and soon enough, you are gonna find it.
Instead of snooping and making yourself insecure about your man’s porn habits and your fear that he is cheating, why not just get a new boyfriend?
Snooping indicates that you are struggling with deep seated feelings of insecurity, jealousy and self-doubt, as well as respect for privacy and boundaries of others. There is the possibility that your “spidey senses” are tingling for a reason you haven’t disclosed here, and that your suspicions are actually grounded in reality. Of course we have to consider that your paranoid snooping behaviors may be nothing but carryover baggage from a previous relationship where cheating was involved.
The other issue snooping women need to consider is what are you going to do if you actually find something that confirms your suspicions or causes you concern? You sure can’t tell him that you found the information you discovered by snooping through his things! Even though he knows he is guilty as charged, most men will turn the subsequent fight around and make it about you snooping instead of the dirt you discovered. And if he finds evidence you snooped, even though he didn’t do anything and you admit to having snooped, he’ll feel violated and know you don’t trust him. Most guys would also think you are some weird stalker psycho chick and probably dump you on the spot.
Why do you believe you need to put up with all this nonsense just to have this guy in your life? Who is he and what makes him so special? I mean dang, he is a porn freak, and porn freaks are NEVER truly available for the kind of intimacy and attention that women seek when they enter relationships.
Pornography addiction has NOTHING to do with you as an individual, or with the two of you enjoying a satisfying sex life. Internet porn addiction is a very serious issue destroying thousands of relationships and women’s concept of themselves as attractive and sexy right along with it. [Though I don’t understand WHY women internalize this crap and themselves as not being good enough; I would instead think that this guy is a weirdo pervert and dump him immediately, but that’s just me.]
The bottom line for you is this: if you don’t trust your man — for any reason — why are you with him?
Sit down and reflect back on the relationship you dreamed of having when you were a young girl. Does this relationship meet those standards? Do you truly feel the way you imagined you wanted to feel about your man? Come to grips with why you feel the need to snoop, and what it is motivating your fearful searching for “proof ” of wrongdoing by a man you claim to love and say that loves you.
Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy young lady. There are many single men out here looking for a great woman to love. There is no reason for you to settle for any guy that doesn’t provide you with 100% of the love, security and emotional intimacy you deserve to have.
