Dating During Divorce? Not So Fast...

Let’s start with the bad news: You’re on the road to divorce. But the good news is that romance, love and, yes, even marriage doesn’t need to end with divorce. In fact, a survey of 2,000 newly divorced people found that nearly 50 percent of divorced men were eager to get remarried, and 20 percent of divorced women were hoping to repeat their trip down the aisle. That’s inspiring news for everyone hoping to be hit by Cupid’s arrow once again.

But is dating during your divorce a good idea?

While it may indeed be true that “all’s fair in love,” a little common sense doesn’t hurt either. And while I’d never want to throw cold water on a budding romance, I have some words of wisdom that I’d like to share.

I have an immense amount of experience helping individuals and couples make it through the divorce process. And I have even helped many through the more peaceful and amicable process of divorce mediation, which can save everyone a great deal of time, stress and money. In light of these experiences, here’s my compassionate and informed advice if you’re thinking about jumping back into the dating scene, and perhaps even if you hear wedding bells ringing in your near future:

If you’ve started your divorce process, honestly evaluate how your separation or divorce is going. Is it contested or uncontested? Is it demanding a lot of your time and resources? Is it emotionally overwhelming? You want to lay the groundwork for a new, strong relationship while you’re in a “good place” emotionally, psychologically and perhaps even financially, too. You also want to be able to devote your time and attention to your divorce, because the decisions you make during this time will affect you for years to come. Further, consider how your spouse may react when he or she finds out you’re dating. Is that going to add fuel to a highly contested divorce? More than likely, the answer is “yes.”

If you haven’t started your divorce process, then it’s important that you know what the road ahead looks like -- so you can prepare yourself and focus on the outcome you want. You also need to be aware that the process can be time consuming and, at times, exhaustive and difficult. After all, even the most amicable divorce is still a divorce, and it’s human nature to feel angry, sad and disappointed -- and sometimes, all three at the same time.

Be aware that there is a possibility that your dating behavior during divorce could affect custody and parenting issues. Your children haven’t achieved finality and closure of the divorce, and putting a new person in their life right now isn’t recommended by child psychologists.

Also, custody and parenting may be negatively impacted if your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a questionable past. This can further complicate the divorce process and significantly increase your legal fees if the focus becomes this new person, instead of you and your own divorce.

I also suggest that you be careful about having your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night when you have overnights with the children. Innocently, the kids may comment to the other parent about how your boyfriend or girlfriend “tucked them into bed” or “gave them breakfast.” This could lead to an emotional response by your spouse and prevent settlement discussions from focusing on the real issues. Generally, if you use discretion and common sense and make an effort not to expose your children to your new boyfriend or girlfriend, it shouldn’t be an issue.

Happily ever after the second time ’round? Maybe -- or maybe not

It’s interesting to note that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. While the reason for this higher divorce rate is unknown, it could be that some of these second marriages got off to a rocky start, because the ex-spouses didn’t deal with the emotional impact of their divorce, and aren’t really ready for another relationship -- at least, not yet.

My best advice? When it comes to dating during or soon after divorce, rely on both the wisdom of your heart and the intelligence of your head -- and not one instead of the other.

Website Focused On How to Attract A Girl

Date Hotter Girls, a leading men’s dating advice company, just announced the launch of a information site dedicated to helping men learn the intricacies of how to attract a girl.

The site, which went live, on March 19, has several free articles and tips that help demystify female attraction. The topic of how to attract a girl gets tens of thousands of search engine queries a month and is one that baffles many single men.

“It’s very counter-intuitive,” explains Rob Judge, founder of Date Hotter Girls. “So many men struggle to decode a woman’s behavior. Men often think too logically about attraction when they should be approaching it emotionally.”

Much of the advice on the site hinges of the theme of “emotional intelligence.” Judge believes that if men can better understand a woman’s emotions, he can learn to elicit those emotions in an attractive way.

“It you look at what interests women,” explains Judge, “So much of it is predicated on the emotions women derive from the things they enjoy—from what they eat to the shows they watch.”

Judge’s unorthodox philosophy has been a hot topic for both men and women. The blogger has been invited to participate in women’s panels on dating, often to give a man’s perspective on the dating game.

“I enjoy getting feedback from women,” explains Judge. “I don’t think any of the advice I give is shameful or weird. Most guys are proud to practice the tips they read on my blog and in my products.”

Though some female bloggers have responded with less than favorable reviews of Judge’s approach on dating. Recently a blogger writing for The Frisky wrote a scathing review of Judge’s “Top 10 Best Texts of All Time” report, claiming Judge was encouraging men to adopt a cookie-cutter approach to dating.

“There will always be critics,” laughs Judge. “I think the fact women bloggers have such a visceral reaction to my material sort of proves its effectiveness. I mean, I am telling guys to get women emotional.”

Rob Judge has spent the past 5 years teaching men to meet and attract women, both through products and live coaching.

Date Hotter Girls has released several books on meeting and attracting women. Magnetic Messaging is the latest release from Judge.

Har Age Matter?

Does Age Matter?

I had a conversation with a friend over lunch in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s okay to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties.

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce, he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship.

Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Just because someone has the same life experiences as you, it doesn’t mean he/she has the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences -- and that can apply to how he treats sex and intimacy matters too.

After I dated Junior, I tested the waters by dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different Manimal species (including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only put into the category called “Excessive Talk about Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules”).

During this period I realized once again that despite sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” And when you’re not on the same page, entering an intimate relationship in the post-divorce stage can complicate things even more.

Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes and dislikes. It also creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, regardless of whether you want to have them as a romantic partner. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while due to divorce, it’s okay to play the field a bit as you “practice” dating -- but remember that “dating” and “intimacy” aren’t interchangeable.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he’s “really mature” or texts you at 11:30 p.m. asking, “Where you at?”

These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner.

It really is fun to realize you can attract younger men and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but it’s critical to recognize that its value is just that: a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew what I was looking for was a more holistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and someone who lived in Los Angeles. I’m now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than I am.

Of course there are times when I wonder if he’ll be attracted to me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles, or if it really does matter that I’ve let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I’m centered and come from a place of self-love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me: the good parts, the parts that are works in progress, and the woman who “looks good for 40-plus.”

Which brings me to the most important lesson of all: Instead of focusing on the number, determine your values, decide what you’re looking for in a partner, and then decide if the person matches your values, your maturity, and your vision for a partner. This is far more important than the digits on their driver’s license.

Proč byste neměli nechat zastrašit atraktivní ženy

Dating Site for Married Couples

NEW YORK — Can two thirtysomething guys who have never been married rescue the institution of marriage?

Well, this is New York, so they might as well try.

Meet Brian Schechter and Aaron Schildkrout, creators of the online dating site HowAboutWe, which until lately targeted an obvious demographic: singles.

Since 2010, the site has invited them to pitch date ideas online and respond to dates they like. Some recent ideas: riding motorcycles around and watching Star Trek (Texas); eating steak and cuddling in the rain (Akwa Ibom, Nigeria); and showing up blindfolded at a cafe and letting “our voices & fantasies decide about a 2nd date” (Bonn, Germany).

The site has been a success, attracting more than 700,000 date ideas. But its founders quickly discovered the commercial paradox of the dating site: The better you are at finding love for a client, the faster she signs off and ceases to pay you.

“If you succeed,” Mr. Schildkrout says, “you lose.”

And so the guys asked themselves: What if a dating site didn’t stop at finding you love? What if it also helped you “date” your life partner, and, through the surprise and renewal of that dating, to stay in love?

Later this year, Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout will release their answer to these questions: a new dating portal focused on committed couples. It will seek to get them out of their routines, off their feet and on the town for frequent dates.

Even for two unlikely businessmen who began their careers as schoolteachers, the business logic is plain: There is money to be made arranging dates for 50 years instead of the six to 12 months that HowAboutWe’s single clients tend to last.

But the two men, who have been best friends since kindergarten, will tell anyone who listens that their mission is deeper. They believe that dates — surprising, sexy, rejuvenating dates — are what marriage needs to survive in an era when it is becoming a choice more than a necessity for so many.

“We want to build a product that helps people find and then sustain love — and I think that the sustaining love part is harder,” Mr. Schechter said over coffee at the W hotel in Times Square.

A singles site, he said, is straightforward enough. He speaks of his new cause in far loftier terms. The goal is “figuring out how to make it so that the divorce rate goes down and that it becomes the norm for people to feel like their relationship actually satisfies their existential hope.”

Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout are hardly the first people concerned about the state of marriage and divorce in the Western world. But that concern tends to be voiced more often by religious leaders and archconservatives than by two never-married men who studied meditation in India and have offices among the artists, writers, D.I.Y. types and organic-wine-swilling hipsters of Brooklyn.

Because neither has ever married, Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout felt they needed to investigate the institution before seeking to reform it. They commissioned a study based on interviews with committed couples about their dating lives.

What they found was that the enthusiasm displayed on their singles site — people boldly proposing taco-hopping dates and prankster dates and blindfolded dates; people grasping constantly for the new — faded swiftly for the committed. Mortgages and children and budgets sapped energy. Couples changed. They began to want what was safe, not fresh.

Some excerpts from their interviews: “Very price conscious and needs to feel like she’s getting a deal.” “Is not a romantic and doesn’t plan much in advance.” “Novelty wears off.” “You’re more used to each other and are trying less.” “The usual issues with babysitters.” One subject’s last memorable date involved “going out to special German restaurant around a specific errand they had planned at Ikea.”

Outside the start-up galaxy, people might hear these interviews and say, “Well, that’s life. People age. Things change.” But if digital people have a defining conceit, it is that humans are plastic, and that there is a hack for just about everything.

Each blockage HowAboutWe found among the committed couples they studied has a corresponding feature on the new site. To overcome the inertia it detected, the site will offer fully packaged date ideas. To address logistical woes, HowAboutWe is working to make the packages available with a single click that will book your taxi, theater tickets and corner table at the Italian trattoria.

For Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout, each idea leads to another. They could arrange babysitters for couples. They could help slouchy husbands send, with one click, fancy date invitations that suggest a labor of many clicks. They could allow couples to follow the dates of other couples they admire — a digital way to keep up with the Joneses.

It is difficult in speaking to Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout to avoid the feeling that there is something personal in this quest. They built their singles site back when they were single and seeking dates. They have since each found a steady romantic partnership, and perhaps they want to improve marriage before taking its solemn vows for themselves.

“There is inertia that makes love hard to sustain, just like there is inertia that makes health hard to sustain over time,” Mr. Schildkrout said. “But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a truly noble goal — and something people want and will pay for — to try to fight that inertia, to create an upward love curve. We want an exponential love curve when we measure love against time.”

What Men Want!

It takes 20 minutes or less for most singles to decide if they want to see you again after the first date.

“If they just kept talking and talking and talking about nothing interesting, I wouldn’t call them back,” says one man.

“Definitely don’t want to meet someone on the first night and find out their family is crazy,” another man says.

“We don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriend and all the horrible or fantastic things that he did for you. We want you to be interested in us and what we’re going to do for you,” another man adds.

What else do they want? Dating expert Sharan Richardson of It’s Just Lunch says a woman with a nice smile tops a recent survey.

“The other thing that might surprise ladies is they do not care for plastic surgery,” says Richardson.

First dates are about leaving your best impression, so leave the negativity at home.

“Resist the urge to talk about on the first date how you hate your boss or negative things,” warns Richardson.

Instead, keep things positive and sincere. “Like a nice sincere compliment really breaks the ice and you know what, be a little bit vulnerable so that person feels comfortable opening up as well,” says Richardson.

Once you’re past date one, there are a few things men wish you knew to navigate dates two and beyond. “It’s okay for you to be a woman. It’s okay to let me open the door for you. Let me pay for a meal you know,” says Brian says.

“They try to make things way too complicated,” Dave adds.

“Just give us our space,” says Ryan.

And while many men do like the thrill of the chase.

“If they have to go on a safari just to get your attention, you’re making them work too hard. If you’re waiting three days to return their phone calls and playing little games like that, I don’t suggest that,” Richardson said.

“Most men probably just put on a front for the most part. Most of them are nice guys deep down inside. We’re just looking for someone we can trust, loyalty, honesty those types of things,” explains Chris.

Know too that good relationships take time.

“Don’t try to force it and don’t try to move too fast. You know don’t go on a great date and stop looking at other people and stop meeting other people. Because you don’t know where that’s going to go,” says Richardson.

A new University of Texas study finds the more attractive the woman, the more a man thinks she is interested in him, while women, on the other hand, often underestimate men’s desire for them.

Before you go on a first date it is important to ask yourself what you are looking to gain out of the date. It is also a good idea to keep communication open with your date and gauge out what they are looking for without being too forward.

First impressions are especially important on a first date, so make sure you are well groomed and well dressed. Most girls still appreciate chivalry so guys be prepared to pay. Smiling and having a good attitude will also make the date more comfortable and enjoyable for both parties.

Verbinding via conversatie

Women More Open Minded?

While everyone has their preferences about what they are attracted to, it seems as if women are more open minded than men. Even when we have the type that turns our head, a guy with a kind heart and great personality could definitely win us over.

When it comes things such as weight and height, some people stick to the same exact type. Just the other day, I asked my guy friend if he noticed that his last three serious romantic interests could be triplets, he looked at me like I had three heads! He didn’t even notice his pattern.

Maybe it’s just my circle of friends, but a quick mental run through of all the relationships and the women showed more “variety” then the men. In my completely unscientific poll, I can’t help but think this is related to being more open-minded.

Do you think women are open minded when it comes to picking dates, being attracted to all types, etc.?

Guys, have you noticed that you stick to a certain body type, look, or physical prototype when you decide who to pursue?

By Wise Diva