How To Attract Women After Divorce

By Kimberly Seltzer

Dating after divorce can seem overwhelming. It may have been a decade or more since you’ve been “out there,” and you may feel confused or downright clueless about how to get your game back to attract new women into your world. Though you may feel nervous at first, you may find that it is even easier than before because you are now older, wiser and closer to knowing what you want. You just need a few tools to use to attract that perfect woman.

Overall, the secret to attracting anyone in your life is feeling good about yourself and projecting it outward. Here are answers to some commonly asked dating questions:

What should I wear on a date?

If a man is wearing something he feels good in, he is going to come across as a confident, successful alpha man, which is what women like. Wear clothes that are:

• Updated, stylish, comfortable and that fit your body well

• Those you wish you could wear every day

• Age and occasion appropriate

• Really express your personality

• Clean, well pressed and in good condition

• Colors that flatter your skin tone

• Polished, updated shoes

• Quality fabrics that don’t cling, pucker or pull

You may want to find a stylist or a savvy female friend to help guide you.

What about hygiene?

Grooming is extremely important, as women really pay attention to this. Your ex-wife might have forgiven the over-grown and unruly hairs but it is not so appealing to a new prospective mate. Make sure your facial hair is neatly groomed, your hair is styled, your nails are short and your skin looks nice. It helps if you smell nice too. Don’t pour the bottle of cologne on or you’ll suffocate her. Instead, you should smell fresh and clean with maybe a dab of tasteful cologne. Women like men who take care of themselves.

How should I approach women?

Most men feel uncomfortable when first approaching an attractive woman. This usually stems from being nervous about saying the wrong thing and fear of rejection. Get out of your head. Just be in the moment and talk with her. Don’t just talk about yourself. Ask questions about her life. One common mistake is trying too hard and being very serious when talking with women. It can almost feel more like an interview with memorized canned questions rather than an easy conversation. Be more playful and mix it up a bit to enjoy the new you and you’ll see how easy it is to create attraction. Most women love when you give them attention, especially if you say things in an authentic way. The truth of the matter is that your “dating muscle” is atrophied after not using it for a while, so you have to exercise it and get it back in action. One way to do this is to get comfortable approaching everyone when you are out and about. Approach at least three people (both men and women) a day during your daily routine. Give compliments to people you meet. Women love when you notice something about them. After doing several approaches a day, it will get a lot easier and feel more natural.

How can I build a new social circle?

It is true that you did a lot of “married” activities with your ex-wife as a couple. Often your friends change as you step into the single world. Not only do you do things solo, but different activities may interest you now. The most important thing is to find other single friends you can do things with. It will open up your world and create new possibilities for meeting women. Explore several avenues by getting involved in networking groups, single events, outdoor group gatherings, regular trips to the gym and more. If you are having a difficult time knowing what to get involved in, think about three skills or hobbies you have or want to learn more about and research groups that relate to them. Discover what makes you tick and you’ll build your social circle with other like-minded singles.

How can I overcome the divorce stigma?

Men often think they are painted with a scarlet letter once they are divorced. Actually, many women say that they prefer a divorced man because they like the fact that he has been in a long term relationship before and knows how to share with a partner. Marriage teaches you how to compromise, how to be more giving and how to understand women’s needs. Just because you are divorced doesn’t mean you have some sort of disease. Remember, over 50 percent of the population is in the same boat, so you are not alone. Instead, own who you are and enjoy your newfound freedom. This is your time to start over, enjoy yourself and have fun.

Although starting over can be intimidating and a little scary, it can actually be freeing and exciting as you embark upon a new adventure. This is your chance to explore the world and meet various women. By doing this, you’ll discover who you are separate from the woman you were with for many years and find out what you would like and need in a future relationship. Remember, the dating road is not a dead end; it’s an avenue to an exhilarating new journey.

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Dating Websites Get Inventive With Games

New York - Nearly two decades since the start of online dating, the match-making sites that launched millions of relationships are spicing things up with online games and going high tech and offline to produce more happy ever afters.

Games, apps and offline events are beginning to replace the ritual exchange of online messages, the basic tenet of online dating, and to blur the distinction between on-and-offline dating.

Match.com, which boasts more than 1.7 million paid subscribers, has taken cues from the $74bn global video gaming industry by creating short dual-player games to help people express themselves better online.

A game called Food Critic prompts members to answer food-related questions, while Romance Rip-Off is designed for two players to create a love story together. During the game players can instant message each other to discuss their answers, which Match.com believes promotes a more natural way of interacting.

“I don’t think there’s anything that’s quite like this,” said Mandy Ginsberg, the president of Match.com, which started in 1995.

Relationships

Online dating has come a long way in the past 20 years. More than 40% of online daters, nearly seven million adults, have dated people they met online, and 17% of them entered a long-term relationship or married their online partner, according to 2006 report by the Pew Research Centre.

Brian Schechter, co-founder and co-CEO of HowABoutWe, said his company has been going offline to play Cupid since it started in 2010.

“We were the originators of the offline dating ethos.”

Members of HowAboutWe post the type of dates they would like, such as a hike or a bike ride, and others respond. Schechter said nearly one million dates have been posted to HowAboutWe. The site’s focus is what sets it apart, he added.

“Traditional dating sites were never focused on facilitating in-world experiences, as much as helping people express their identity online,” Schechter said.

Other websites including OkCupid and Badoo are using smartphone apps so singles can discover if there are other members nearby whom they might like to meet.

Badoo, which has more than 150 million registered users worldwide, has a mobile app with a feature called People Nearby that allows users to see anyone on Badoo who is within a 4.8km vicinity.

Events

“We’re all about finding ways just to make it easy and non-intimidating to go out and meet new people,” said Louise Thompson, Badoo’s director of public relations. “It kind of adds that level of spontaneity that you don’t get on traditional dating sites.”

Match.com is also planning to launch local customised events for members to foster offline meetings. Groups invited to the events are matched by algorithms incorporating age, gender and interests.

The company plans to host 200 events per month across the US by September.

“I think we’re going to be the largest events company in the world, with the exception of maybe the Olympics,” Ginsberg said.

But not all dating websites are opting for meet-up apps and events.

eHarmony, which relies on an in-depth questionnaire about personality traits, said its method has been a success and cites the 542 marriages a day that it claims resulted from a meeting on its website.

“We know that it works very well,” said Jeremy Verba, eHarmony’s CEO, adding that offline eHarmony events would not work with the way does its compatibility matching.

“eHarmony is focused on getting our members to meaningful offline meetings with people who are deeply compatible,” Verba said. “We are not about creating large scale happy hours.”

Despite their different approaches the aim of all dating websites is the same - getting compatible people together, offline.

“Online dating is a funny kind of misnomer, because people don’t actually date online,” Ginsberg said.

That part, no matter how it’s facilitated, still happens in person.

Dating Doggy Style

By Kelley Whitis

I’ve always found the whole dating scenario to be a bit pretentious. We all put on our mask and present our best image on the proverbial first date. After a few more dates, calls, texts and maybe some intimacy, the person behind the mask emerges, and in the blink of any eye, the romance dies. This person suddenly is nowhere near the person we first met.

What if instead of pretending to be someone we’re not, we not only take these masks off, we throw them away, take a lesson from our trusty friend Fido and just date doggy style? Don’t get too excited here, I’m not talking bedroom positions.

At least not yet.

I’m writing this as I watch my two dogs run around and play in my friend’s backyard, making friends with all the neighborhood pups. It’s a Doggy Disneyland here, and they are eager to run around and make new friends, checking each other out, sniffing butts. If they like what they see and smell they’ll romp around the yard together -- running, jumping, snorting, yelping, nipping, slobber-swapping, rejoicing and cavorting. Just being who they truly are and having an honest, real connection with another animal.

So if that’s the whole point of dating and relationships -- to be yourself, find someone you want to romp around in a field with, have a connection to and just have fun -- here are five tips we can take from Fido:

1. The Butt Sniff Test

I’m not suggesting we go around sniffing butts here. Simply put, just be yourself. No pretending. No masks. No projected images. Just. Be. You. You’ll be amazed who comes into your life once you begin to show your authentic self.

2. Game Playing

Games are good. Dog games, not people games. The difference between dogs and humans is that dogs don’t let their ego rule their actions. We get caught up in the fear, the wondering and the jealousy and let our ego play out little games to get a desired action. Not good games to play. Dogs like to run, chase squirrels, catch balls and jump over hurdles. These are good games. Remember the difference and engage in good game playing only.

3. Bark What You Mean and Mean What You Bark

As humans, we often say things we think the other person wants to hear. This is probably one of the simplest tips, yet one of the easiest to stray from. Dogs will growl if they don’t like something, whine if they’re hurt and bark if they’re happy, hungry or need to go potty. They are very explicit and impeccable with their communication. Once we learn to do the same, we’ll find there is less confusion and miscommunication in all of our relationships.

4. Live in the Moment

Without realizing it, we can eagerly look towards the future, or we can let our past determine our present by staying stuck with old behaviors or mistakes. Dogs do neither. They live for right now. In the moment. Giving it everything they’ve got. Full-steam ahead. When we put our full attention on what is happening right at this very moment, we’ll find we have better relationships, we work better, rest easier and play harder.

5. Take the Leash Off

Dogs spend so much of their time being on leash -- acting the way we want them to act. Once off leash, the dog’s personality really comes to life. We see so many rules for dating -- do this, don’t do that, wait for this -- the bottom line is we are individuals and there is no generic rule book that will ever give us all the answers. So take your leash off. Stop acting like everyone says you are supposed to act, don’t expect to get desired results after reading dating how-to books and listen instead to your inner voice and see what resonates with you. When all else fails, refer to tip #1.

5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating after Divorce

By Terri Sloane

You just nibbled through an entire bar of dark chocolate. Your divorce papers are finally signed. You are 55, single and thinking about dating. The last time you had a first date, you wore jackets with shoulder pads and permed your hair. You are “out there” again, and the dating world has changed a lot since the eighties.

I’m divorced too and can empathize. Put down the chocolate; it really isn’t so bad out there. According to a recent article on Match.com, single boomers over fifty years old are enjoying the benefits of their new status. Seventy-five percent of women and 81 percent of men say that they are experiencing dating success. My advice is to get out there, but avoid these common mistakes I see women make after divorce.

Dating too soon after the divorce: I learned this lesson early. I only dated because my ex had a girlfriend, and it was my way to personally retaliate. Who did it hurt? Me! I was a dating disaster since I wasn’t truly ready. Starting to date again can be an overwhelming experience. My self-esteem was damaged and I felt stuck. I needed to work through my personal issues before I could be successful in dating. Fortunately, I had the help of a wonderful professional counselor who helped me move forward. Many women go straight to their girlfriends for advice on dating and relationships when a professional source is needed. An unbiased professional -- someone who sees issues objectively -- is a better choice. A coach will tell you the truth about your readiness to date. A well-meaning friend may not be so honest. My advice is, before you join the dating boomers, seek out professional help from a trained counselor or coach like myself. In this case, you need a coach more than you need to eat another chocolate bar with a girlfriend!

Being afraid to go solo: Solo is the way to go when you are looking to meet someone to date. Although we love being with our girlfriends, constantly traveling with a group of gal pals is a recipe for disaster. I know it takes time to feel comfortable traveling alone, so you need to practice. I suggest taking a class, going to a show, concert, movie or opera alone. Take yourself out for dinner and sit near the bar area. If you’re feeling confident, have dinner at the bar. If you spot someone of interest, catch his eye for a few seconds and smile. Perhaps he will come over and introduce himself. If he doesn’t, count it as practice. A woman alone is approachable, confident and mysterious. The more you practice going out alone, the easier it is. I tell clients, if you want to meet an interesting man, be an interesting woman. Remember, men are attracted to women who are independent and fun -- women who have interesting lives of their own.

Being someone other than your “genuine self” on a first date: Talking about work may feel safe, but it’s not a good first date conversation. If you had a bad day, stay home unless you can bring a positive, approachable attitude along. Before going out, I put on some upbeat or romantic music, dance by myself in my home and think happy thoughts. I leave my past in the past. If you don’t have time to go home prior, dress for work in something “dateable” like a wrap dress, a pencil skirt, or a fabulous sweater or satin blouse that makes you feel pretty. Focus on a positive mood, be aware of your posture and stand tall. Add your favorite perfume, freshen your makeup and hair and smile. Your smile is always your most important beauty accessory and a welcoming appearance enhancer.

Breaking plans to date: It’s a mistake to break plans with girlfriends or alter your schedule if dating conflicts occur. Men don’t change their schedules and you shouldn’t either. Do keep doing what you enjoy and incorporate new experiences into a broadening social scene. I attend movie classes alone and add new classes each year to my schedule, no matter what is going on in my life. Men are attracted to women who have a vibrant life and who take care of themselves outside and inside. They will only like you more. Always nurture your spirit and do things that give yourself pleasure.

Burning bridges if you don’t feel “sparks": Chemistry is elusive as you date. Be patient. Recently I went on a date and had a great evening, but there were no sparks. So what? I decided to accept a second date because we had fun together. Unfortunately, there is still no chemistry. My advice to my “dating self” was to make my date into my friend. The suggestion may offend some men, but take the opportunity to be good company. I know from experience that some men are happy with this idea. Men enjoy the companionship of a woman. There is no pressure; just friendship. Try it. You may be surprised with the results. What can start out as a friendship may even turn into romance. Sparks can disappear, but friendship is forever.

Remember, this is your time. Learn from the mistakes others have made and travel smoothly as you begin dating after divorce.

5 Signs of Dating Desperation

Clutch magazine’s Janelle Harris says that compulsive man seekers sacrifice a lot for the sake of having a warm body in their beds or a new beau by their sides. Here’s how she suggests you determine whether a fear of being single is getting in your way.

You’re always making excuses for him.

I’ve known women obviously getting beat down by their men on a regular basis and others who’ve been mollywhopped by rants and raves about their worthlessness. But they still find a reason to defend their man’s honor -- not only because they’re conditioned to put him on a pedestal, but because they’re so scared of him, they’d rather pardon the behavior than confront the obvious fact that he’s not worth the emotional and mental investment. Just to have a man.

You haven’t been single longer than a week in your whole adult life.

Some experts say it takes two years to bounce back fully from a previous relationship, maybe longer depending on the circumstances of the situation and the emotional condition of the folks doing the bouncing back ...

You reason, “Well, it’s better than being alone.”

He’s cheated, he’s lazy but breathing, and lays a pretty good piece of pipe, so you opt to make it work with him instead of running the risk of staying drenched in singleness like the rest of us in that 42 percent. But sweetie pie, I’ll take single over settling any time. I think we all should. Even J. Lo and Halle.

Kvinner tar ledelsen i Dating

Dating Without Fear

Four years ago, the guy I was seeing -- JJ, my best friend in the world -- committed suicide. Rather than deal with the loss, I did what I do best, and I immediately jumped into a new relationship. That relationship ended in disaster when I caught him cheating on me with not one but two women. Before I even got the chance to call him out on it, he “broke up” with me... by sending me an email and changing his relationship status on MySpace. I mean, really, aren’t we supposed to be adults?

After that, I went on a bit of a dating hiatus. Let’s be honest: If that’s what’s out there for me, who wants to even bother leaving the house? And so, I finally let myself come to terms with JJ’s death. By “come to terms” I mean that I adopted an oxycodone habit that I coupled with drinking my weight in alcohol. About five minutes before I was probably going to get fired from my job and OD on my kitchen floor, I picked myself up, threw myself into therapy and got it together. And, wouldn’t you know, a few months later, I met Army Boy.

When I found out that he was being deployed to Iraq a week later, this of course seemed like the perfect relationship to me. Makes sense, right? It was actually the anniversary of JJ’s death, and Army Boy brought me breakfast and spent the whole day with me. It’s still one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, and he actually turned out to be an amazing person. A week later, he was in Texas preparing to go to war. He flew me out to Fort Bliss (seriously, that’s the name -- how cute is that?) to spend his last week in the States with him, and it was an incredible trip. I climbed a mountain, made a friend I believe I will have for a lifetime, ate at the greatest steakhouse ever (there are actually cows outside) and, oh yeah, got knocked up. I found out about a month after Army Boy left. We were picking out names and planning to move to Florida together when he got back from Iraq. And then I lost the baby. And it went from really, really good to Wes Craven nightmare. I never knew that someone who told you they loved you could cause so much hurt. I swore off men forever at that point.

“Forever” lasted about six months, which is when I met a very cute bouncer at a local bar who made me smile. So what if his ex was pregnant with their baby? (Are you catching on that I don’t have the best judgment when it comes to my love life?) This wasn’t going to be anything serious for me anyway, just a way to get back into the game. Until I then met a very sexy bartender who happened to work at the same bar as the bouncer. Tricky, but not impossible. I eventually chose the sexy little bartender, who, although he has a wonderful heart and it was well worth the sex (who knew I could still manage to do it in a car at 28 years old?), turned out to be a huge waste of my time. And the bouncer? He now has a very beautiful little baby girl, whom he sends me pictures of every now and then. And he is back with his baby’s mama. Obviously.

While I was still open to the whole dating experience, I had given up hope at this point that there was still the “nice guy” out there. And then I met Doc. He was handsome, funny, kind and... a doctor. Too good to be true, right? So, after playing coy for weeks, I finally agreed to go out with him, and it was pretty much an insta-relationship. I could tell him about all of the baggage from my past -- let’s face it, I come with plenty -- and he barely even flinched. He was just a great guy, and I really thought it would last forever. Until it didn’t.

See, the thing is, it really is all about timing with relationships. My family will waste no time reminding me that I’m in my 30s and not getting any younger. How I even manage to get out of bed in the morning is a mystery, right? Well, I never thought I wanted children until it almost happened, and then it became all I could think about. I swear, I think I’m a step away from lactating when I hear someone else’s baby cry. It’s sickening. But Doc is four years younger than me and not ready to take those steps yet. I can’t blame him, really. When I was his age, I was living in Fort Lauderdale, dancing on bars and hooking up with the drummer in the band. If someone had tried to get me to live with them and pop out babies, I would’ve joined WITSEC. And so, another one bit the dust.

At a time when I thought I would have already published a book, married the man of my dreams and traveled the world, my life couldn’t be further from that -- but things could be worse. I actually gave in to the world of online dating. After all, how much worse could it get? While it’s still early, I am now in a relationship with someone who has made me happier than I remember being in a very long time. Whether or not there is such a thing as fate or soul mates, I’m not sure I’ll ever know. But at the end of the day, I haven’t given up hope. Maybe that makes me fearless, maybe it makes me a fool. But it’s what gets me out of bed each morning. That and cinnamon dolce lattes.

By Kaylee Scottaline