5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating after Divorce

By Terri Sloane

You just nibbled through an entire bar of dark chocolate. Your divorce papers are finally signed. You are 55, single and thinking about dating. The last time you had a first date, you wore jackets with shoulder pads and permed your hair. You are “out there” again, and the dating world has changed a lot since the eighties.

I’m divorced too and can empathize. Put down the chocolate; it really isn’t so bad out there. According to a recent article on Match.com, single boomers over fifty years old are enjoying the benefits of their new status. Seventy-five percent of women and 81 percent of men say that they are experiencing dating success. My advice is to get out there, but avoid these common mistakes I see women make after divorce.

Dating too soon after the divorce: I learned this lesson early. I only dated because my ex had a girlfriend, and it was my way to personally retaliate. Who did it hurt? Me! I was a dating disaster since I wasn’t truly ready. Starting to date again can be an overwhelming experience. My self-esteem was damaged and I felt stuck. I needed to work through my personal issues before I could be successful in dating. Fortunately, I had the help of a wonderful professional counselor who helped me move forward. Many women go straight to their girlfriends for advice on dating and relationships when a professional source is needed. An unbiased professional -- someone who sees issues objectively -- is a better choice. A coach will tell you the truth about your readiness to date. A well-meaning friend may not be so honest. My advice is, before you join the dating boomers, seek out professional help from a trained counselor or coach like myself. In this case, you need a coach more than you need to eat another chocolate bar with a girlfriend!

Being afraid to go solo: Solo is the way to go when you are looking to meet someone to date. Although we love being with our girlfriends, constantly traveling with a group of gal pals is a recipe for disaster. I know it takes time to feel comfortable traveling alone, so you need to practice. I suggest taking a class, going to a show, concert, movie or opera alone. Take yourself out for dinner and sit near the bar area. If you’re feeling confident, have dinner at the bar. If you spot someone of interest, catch his eye for a few seconds and smile. Perhaps he will come over and introduce himself. If he doesn’t, count it as practice. A woman alone is approachable, confident and mysterious. The more you practice going out alone, the easier it is. I tell clients, if you want to meet an interesting man, be an interesting woman. Remember, men are attracted to women who are independent and fun -- women who have interesting lives of their own.

Being someone other than your “genuine self” on a first date: Talking about work may feel safe, but it’s not a good first date conversation. If you had a bad day, stay home unless you can bring a positive, approachable attitude along. Before going out, I put on some upbeat or romantic music, dance by myself in my home and think happy thoughts. I leave my past in the past. If you don’t have time to go home prior, dress for work in something “dateable” like a wrap dress, a pencil skirt, or a fabulous sweater or satin blouse that makes you feel pretty. Focus on a positive mood, be aware of your posture and stand tall. Add your favorite perfume, freshen your makeup and hair and smile. Your smile is always your most important beauty accessory and a welcoming appearance enhancer.

Breaking plans to date: It’s a mistake to break plans with girlfriends or alter your schedule if dating conflicts occur. Men don’t change their schedules and you shouldn’t either. Do keep doing what you enjoy and incorporate new experiences into a broadening social scene. I attend movie classes alone and add new classes each year to my schedule, no matter what is going on in my life. Men are attracted to women who have a vibrant life and who take care of themselves outside and inside. They will only like you more. Always nurture your spirit and do things that give yourself pleasure.

Burning bridges if you don’t feel “sparks": Chemistry is elusive as you date. Be patient. Recently I went on a date and had a great evening, but there were no sparks. So what? I decided to accept a second date because we had fun together. Unfortunately, there is still no chemistry. My advice to my “dating self” was to make my date into my friend. The suggestion may offend some men, but take the opportunity to be good company. I know from experience that some men are happy with this idea. Men enjoy the companionship of a woman. There is no pressure; just friendship. Try it. You may be surprised with the results. What can start out as a friendship may even turn into romance. Sparks can disappear, but friendship is forever.

Remember, this is your time. Learn from the mistakes others have made and travel smoothly as you begin dating after divorce.

Dating in the District

Street noise fills the background as Sam Yagan speaks quickly into his cellphone. He has a knack for efficiency. He is a dating catalyst, a self-proclaimed “geeky math guy.” And last February, his dating website — OKCupid — logged 1.3 million unique visitors.

So when it came time to find out how to meet people, his name topped the list of people to call.

Most Washingtonians tend to be workaholics, transplants or some combination of the two. With a general population such as that, single people are put at a disadvantage when it comes to meeting a potential mate.

“D.C. is — by far — the most active [on OKCupid] on a per capita basis,” Yagan says. “Other cities don’t even come close.”

More than 10 percent of D.C.’s population are active users on the site, according to Yagan’s data, and 75 percent of those users are younger than 35.

Whether you want to take the tech route, or a more traditional avenue, there is one basic tenet to remember: “You can’t take it too seriously,” Yagan asserts. “People get so wound up about it.”

Rather than fearing rejection, accept that volume is key: The odds that the first person you meet is going to be the one for you is low, says Yagan, who earned a degree in mathematics and economics from Harvard, and later went on to receive an MBA from Stanford business school. “Half the battle is forcing yourself to go out and meet people.”

So, where are the best places to find other love-seekers in the District?

Whether it’s grabbing a post-work libation at Off the Record bar in the Hay Adams hotel, or plugging in your laptop at Tryst in Adams Morgan, places where solo people-watching is common lifts the burden of vulnerability and makes meeting people feel less forced.

At Tryst, a hodgepodge of couches, chairs and tables are scattered for maximum comfort. Free Wi-Fi lets you work (or surf on Facebook) while you enjoy a coffee, tea, snack or alcoholic beverage. Located on the often-hectic 18th Street in Adams Morgan, Tryst is an oasis.

Tia Scagliarnini, the front-of-the-house manager, wants the bar and cafe to be a relaxing place for people that is neither home, nor work, she said.

“We aim to foster a community, and make it a place where people are approachable.”

The clientele is diverse, she added: Students writing PhDs or master’s theses, book clubs, journalists, artists and businesspeople of all stripes. Tryst also has a happy hour seven days a week and live jazz on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.

“[Tryst] can be whatever you want it to be, really,” she said. “We’re always full of people, so you never have to feel alone or shady.”

But if you crave something a little more presidential, head down the rabbit hole to the basement of the Hay Adams hotel.

Within throwing distance of the White House, caricatures of Washington’s political culture can be seen in the din. A throwback to a D.C. of yesteryear, this classic bar is a place to be “seen and not heard,” said Andrew Welch, the food and beverage director of the Hay Adams hotel.

What does that mean, exactly?

“The name of the bar speaks for itself,” Welch said. Essentially, what happens at Off the Record stays off the record.

The downtown proximity to political, business and law offices brings in some big names, and Welch aims to maintain the quality experience for which the bar is known. The environment fosters relaxing conversation — the room is equipped with a fireplace — and a great specialty cocktail list is the cherry on top.

What happens once you set your sights on a hangout?

“You have to expand your search criteria,” explains OKCupid’s Yagan, whose site uses mathematical equations to determine matches, rather than psychology — which is the basis of other dating sites.

“We changed the way dating works,” he adds. Most people, he says, limit themselves to only seeking out individuals who fit in their predetermined notion of a perfect mate: one political affiliation, age range or other trait.

“People say things like, ‘Oh, I would never date someone four years younger than me.’ Really? Probably you would.”

At places that have an ambiance and culture all their own, striking up a conversation and asking for someone’s Twitter handle is easy. And you never know what might come of it.

Scagliarnini, the manager at Tryst, said she recently set up a reservation for a man on a Saturday night — which is always a no-no, because of how busy the cafe can be. But this was a special occasion: He had met his current girlfriend at random on a particular couch — and he wanted to propose on that same piece of thrift furniture on the same night two years later.

She said yes.

El Dos y no hacer de Envío por correo electrónico en línea de citas Partidos

How to Snag a Wall Street Man

Close your eyes and think of your dream partner. What’s he or she like? Do they have a great sense of humor? Are they kind? Maybe cute in a way that’s a little awkward and nonthreatening? Do they seem like they’d be a good parent? Haha, JK, guys. Everyone knows that what every woman wants is a Wall Street Banker. It doesn’t matter if he’s rude, dumb or unattractive. When it comes to dating men in finance, always be closing (unless you’re talking about your legs, in which case keep those puppies open because what else will make him want to stick around). Luckily for you, professional matchmaker Samantha Daniels has written up the helpful guide How to Date a Wall Street Man.

Here are some of the best bits:

3. While a Wall Street man tends to like a little bit of a challenge when it comes to dating, he still likes things to be convenient and easy for him. A lot of women think that if they play hard to get, they will land a Wall Street man. This is NOT the case. Yes, you should be confident and avoid being a pushover but, at the same time, you shouldn’t be difficult. You need to be accommodating or his schedule and time constraints or he will get frustrated and find another woman.

Make sure to be available when he wants you to be. It doesn’t matter if you have plans with your friends or you’ve had a long day at work (LOL, women at work) and all you want to do is watch Breaking Bad in your pajamas. Too bad! A Wall Street Man’s time is money and your time is scientifically worthless.

7. Don’t get upset if your Wall Street guy isn’t as romantic as you would like him to be. Men, by nature are never as romantic as women want them to be, but Wall Street men especially are very business-like and think practically not romantically. If you want him to be more romantic, you are probably going to have to lead the way, and teach him what you want.

They will also never kiss you on the mouth. That’s reserved for “special people only.”

9. When it comes to getting you a gift, a lot of Wall Street men are all about extravagance over thoughtfulness. If you are a decadent woman, this will work well for you, but if you are a woman who prefers a man to be thoughtful over spending lavishly on something you don’t really want, you might be disappointed. This does not mean that a Wall Street man can’t be thoughtful, many are. However, a lot of Wall Street men are so busy making lots of money, that when they think to buy you something, they don’t care about the cost as long as it’s easy to get for you.

This is actually great since I replaced my pussy with an ATM slot years ago. It’s super convenient.

The best part of Daniel’s guide is that it proves that all men in finance are exactly the same— none of them have personalities or desires outside of their work— which makes it so much easier for us to choose, though don’t get too carried away. Whether or not you date (and subsequently get married so you can inherit his precious gold) is ultimately up to him. If you think that making your own money is an alternative, you are an undesirable uggo who will die alone.

Go get ’em, ladies!

Dating at Work?

It’s a common occurrence: co-workers who also date.

But are these relationships ill-advised? It depends on who you talk to.

Valley dating coach, Joann Cohen, has more than 20 years of prior experience in human relations and she says dating in the workplace is a double-edged sword - one that should be avoided when possible.

However, if you’re head over heels for someone in the workplace and you absolutely can’t imagine yourself not dating them, Cohen assures, “There’s hope,” and offers these tips:

Before dating a coworker

Check your employee handbook. Some companies have policies that prohibit dating relationships at work. Others allow peers to date, but forbid boss/subordinate relationships, so read the fine print. If they don’t specifically address interoffice dating, read your company’s sexual harassment policies. Don’t forget that there are written and unwritten expectations in every company. Do everything to ensure you’re handling yourself appropriately.

Remember: No is no. Before asking a coworker on a date, consider the chance that the answer may be no. If that’s the case, be polite, tell them to let you know if they change their mind and don’t continue to pursue the other person, which could be considered sexual harassment.

While dating a coworker

Communicate. Talk about each other’s expectations. Set ground rules. This will help determine how both of you should address and handle any problems or questions that may arise in the office regarding your relationship.

Be discreet. Even if you think you’re in love and want everyone to know it, don’t involve others. Agree to tell no one until you’re in an established, committed relationship.

Be professional. Avoid PDAs, flirtatious emails or calls, and even lunch at work. A good rule of thumb is to make sure you’re comfortable with having whatever you do on the front page of a newspaper.

Focus on work. Human resources and your supervisor will be watching to make sure your relationship is not affecting your work. So now is the best time to work hard and focus. You don’t want to give them a reason to let you go.

Points to remember

NEVER date someone who directly reports to you. It will make people question your judgment, and will cause others to accuse you of favoritism.

Office size matters. It is more appropriate, expected, and accepted for people to date in bigger offices, rather than smaller-sized offices.

People can be different on the job. Before you ask them out, talk to them more in-depth in a casual setting and get to know them. Make sure it’s someone you’d really like to go out with.

Be mature. If you reach a point of stability in your relationship, it’s okay to let people know. Talk to your supervisor first, however, to assure him/her that it won’t affect your job.

Don’t let work interfere with your relationship. Keep work and your private life as separate as possible. This eliminates possible clashing of the two, and leaves you with a healthy, functional relationship.

Nos conseils pour les hommes Looking for Love

Why Do The Fireworks Fade?

Why do some couples keep on having sex, but stop kissing and canoodling? It’s a funny phenomenon, the disappearing kiss, but not uncommon. Kissing shouldn’t be underestimated. Next to the genitalia, it has more nerve endings than any other part of the body. It is incredibly sensitive to touch and that is part of the appeal of kissing, along with all the passionate connotations we have with it. There are many different types of kisses, from the ‘nana-peck’ to nibbles to French to flirty. There are even books devoted to the art of kissing and the different kinds of kisses we can engage in. So with all that variety and pleasure, it’s rather sad when the kiss fades out of a relationship. It doesn’t always happen – many couples who have been together for decades upon decades still kiss as a symbol and experience of affection, as well as an initiation for sex, and a part of foreplay. But still many others lose kissing as part of their sexual encounters together and as a result, lose a lot of the passion they once shared together.

The kind of mechanical sex like “scratching an itch” that often befalls many couples over time, is essentially what I describe as maintenance sex” in a relationship. Long term relationships often survive with a heavy dose of maintenance sex and a lesser amount of “mind-blowing sex”, which is more often reserved for special occasions, or when you both have time to indulge in more passionate, time consuming, ‘gourmet of delights’ sex … and between work, stresses, and children, it’s not realistic for most couples to be running through the Kama Sutra every month. Maintenance sex doesn’t have to be all mechanical and no passion, however. It can feel very nice, orgasmic, pleasurable, be fun and romantic, certainly connect the two of you, but probably not knock your socks off. Birds probably won’t sing and the earth won’t move. But still, very pleasurable and certainly does the job.

However, once you have years of only maintenance sex without ever indulging in at least some mind-blowing special sex, then yes, the chances are high that your quality of even your maintenance sex will go down. And that’s when you find yourselves in a relationship that’s loving, but not hot. And in which really the only kissing you share is outside of a sexual or romantic context, such as saying goodbye at the front door, or at an airport. And soon enough, you’re scratching your head about how to re-introduce the passionate kiss with the one you love.

If this is you, don’t feel badly – it’s not that uncommon. And in fact there is often a lot of pressure, more so even, on couples who have been together the longest, because the assumption is you’ve been together so long that intimacy should be your second language between you, and you should be so fluent that you don’t have to, or need to, talk about, bedroom problems and you certainly shouldn’t feel shy about kissing – after so many years together! But it’s precisely this pressure which makes that gulf wider between you, and the attempt to initiate something which has disappeared from your relationship so long ago, that much more awkward and difficult.

Re-introduce the passionate kiss as you would share a first kiss with someone new, or when you were with your partner for the first time. Slowly. Romance together first. Prioritise the relationship between you and decide you’re going to spend time together as a couple. Work on touching more, cuddling, being affectionate, increase the number of little pecks you give each other, or at least you give her. Work your way up to kissing again and the next time you have sex together that isn’t rushed because one of you has to leave for work, or you’re tired and want to sleep, or you’re trying to squeeze a quickie in before the kids wake up and might hear, lay a deep kiss on your lovee! And keep on smooching, and tell them how much you love it. Positive praise will be met with more positive reception and soon enough kissing will be in your love life again – this time to stay.