5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating after Divorce

By Terri Sloane

You just nibbled through an entire bar of dark chocolate. Your divorce papers are finally signed. You are 55, single and thinking about dating. The last time you had a first date, you wore jackets with shoulder pads and permed your hair. You are “out there” again, and the dating world has changed a lot since the eighties.

I’m divorced too and can empathize. Put down the chocolate; it really isn’t so bad out there. According to a recent article on Match.com, single boomers over fifty years old are enjoying the benefits of their new status. Seventy-five percent of women and 81 percent of men say that they are experiencing dating success. My advice is to get out there, but avoid these common mistakes I see women make after divorce.

Dating too soon after the divorce: I learned this lesson early. I only dated because my ex had a girlfriend, and it was my way to personally retaliate. Who did it hurt? Me! I was a dating disaster since I wasn’t truly ready. Starting to date again can be an overwhelming experience. My self-esteem was damaged and I felt stuck. I needed to work through my personal issues before I could be successful in dating. Fortunately, I had the help of a wonderful professional counselor who helped me move forward. Many women go straight to their girlfriends for advice on dating and relationships when a professional source is needed. An unbiased professional -- someone who sees issues objectively -- is a better choice. A coach will tell you the truth about your readiness to date. A well-meaning friend may not be so honest. My advice is, before you join the dating boomers, seek out professional help from a trained counselor or coach like myself. In this case, you need a coach more than you need to eat another chocolate bar with a girlfriend!

Being afraid to go solo: Solo is the way to go when you are looking to meet someone to date. Although we love being with our girlfriends, constantly traveling with a group of gal pals is a recipe for disaster. I know it takes time to feel comfortable traveling alone, so you need to practice. I suggest taking a class, going to a show, concert, movie or opera alone. Take yourself out for dinner and sit near the bar area. If you’re feeling confident, have dinner at the bar. If you spot someone of interest, catch his eye for a few seconds and smile. Perhaps he will come over and introduce himself. If he doesn’t, count it as practice. A woman alone is approachable, confident and mysterious. The more you practice going out alone, the easier it is. I tell clients, if you want to meet an interesting man, be an interesting woman. Remember, men are attracted to women who are independent and fun -- women who have interesting lives of their own.

Being someone other than your “genuine self” on a first date: Talking about work may feel safe, but it’s not a good first date conversation. If you had a bad day, stay home unless you can bring a positive, approachable attitude along. Before going out, I put on some upbeat or romantic music, dance by myself in my home and think happy thoughts. I leave my past in the past. If you don’t have time to go home prior, dress for work in something “dateable” like a wrap dress, a pencil skirt, or a fabulous sweater or satin blouse that makes you feel pretty. Focus on a positive mood, be aware of your posture and stand tall. Add your favorite perfume, freshen your makeup and hair and smile. Your smile is always your most important beauty accessory and a welcoming appearance enhancer.

Breaking plans to date: It’s a mistake to break plans with girlfriends or alter your schedule if dating conflicts occur. Men don’t change their schedules and you shouldn’t either. Do keep doing what you enjoy and incorporate new experiences into a broadening social scene. I attend movie classes alone and add new classes each year to my schedule, no matter what is going on in my life. Men are attracted to women who have a vibrant life and who take care of themselves outside and inside. They will only like you more. Always nurture your spirit and do things that give yourself pleasure.

Burning bridges if you don’t feel “sparks": Chemistry is elusive as you date. Be patient. Recently I went on a date and had a great evening, but there were no sparks. So what? I decided to accept a second date because we had fun together. Unfortunately, there is still no chemistry. My advice to my “dating self” was to make my date into my friend. The suggestion may offend some men, but take the opportunity to be good company. I know from experience that some men are happy with this idea. Men enjoy the companionship of a woman. There is no pressure; just friendship. Try it. You may be surprised with the results. What can start out as a friendship may even turn into romance. Sparks can disappear, but friendship is forever.

Remember, this is your time. Learn from the mistakes others have made and travel smoothly as you begin dating after divorce.

Return To Dating Made A Lasting Impression

Post-divorce dating can be an frightening thought; it’s not that bad, really.

Shortly after my divorce was final, I was asked out to dinner by a handsome lawyer, who also happened to be a family friend—no background check needed.

I was so looking forward to Saturday night.

Two days before the highly anticipated night out, I slipped on a grape outside the school cafeteria in front of 250 children. The thunderously loud room went silent as I fell in what seemed like slow-motion. With my dress under my armpits, one shoe down the hall, and a throbbing arm dangling from my side, I struggled to my feet. One lone voice came from the silent cafeteria, “Are you OK?”

I was too mortified to do anything but give a thumbs up and squeak out, “Yep, thank you, honey, I’m fine,” all the while thinking, “liar!”

I retrieved my class from the lunch room, stopped at the nurse’s office for an ice pack, and headed back to my room for story time. I didn’t make it through the whole book–my arm was obviously broken.

My friend Maria drove me, in my car, to the emergency room. She wasn’t used to the placement of the turn signals and wipers, and we drove along with the wipers rhythmically sweeping across the windshield, back and forth, on that sunny afternoon in October.

I left the hospital with a lovely cast and a newfound dread of my first post-divorce date.

There I was on Saturday afternoon, trying to decide what to wear. I was rather limited because my cast went past my elbow and froze my arm at an inconvenient 90 degree angle. Choosing a boring but comfortable dress, I began the fiasco of getting ready without the use of my right arm.

My real dilemma was figuring out how to get my panty-hose on; it was nearly impossible with one hand. My face was sweating from all the twisting and pulling, but eventually I completed the task, wiped off my brow, and headed downstairs to wait.

I finally had calmed down and cooled off when the phone rang. He was calling to say he would be a few minutes late, and he sounded as though he’d been drinking –I could hardly understand him.

I thought great–what a start. I’m not getting in the car with him if he’s drunk already.

I was prepared to forget the whole thing when I heard the knock on the door. (What was I

thinking? I hadn’t been “out” in 24 years!)

Well, there he was. He looked at me, with my blue and green fingers sticking out of the cast, pantyhose slightly twisted at the ankles, and hair a bit damp around the ends.

I looked at him — not quite the charming smile I remembered. He had been playing rugby that afternoon and had taken a knee to the mouth. His bottom lip was swollen and stitched — the whole area was beginning to turn lovely shades of blue and green to match my fingers.

He started to laugh, but stopped when he realized his lips were unforgiving, and the stitches unyielding. Instead, he spit out a slurred, “What happened to you?” just as I was asking the same question of him. He was so sweet and I was flattered to think he hadn’t canceled.

The hostess at Hutch’s sat us at cozy little table off to the side. I don’t think she was trying to promote a romantic evening, probably just hoping to hide us from the other patrons.

Dinner was delightful. He had to cut my meat for me, and I had to share my garlic smashed potatoes with him. My trip to the ladies’ room concerned him, though — I was gone a long time.

It was the pantyhose again; this time maneuvering in a confined space prompted more sweating from the face.

From beginning to end, it was a very, very enjoyable night with a supreme gentleman. We talked, laughed, and I survived, confident that if I could get through that, this dating thing wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Dating During Divorce? Not So Fast...

Let’s start with the bad news: You’re on the road to divorce. But the good news is that romance, love and, yes, even marriage doesn’t need to end with divorce. In fact, a survey of 2,000 newly divorced people found that nearly 50 percent of divorced men were eager to get remarried, and 20 percent of divorced women were hoping to repeat their trip down the aisle. That’s inspiring news for everyone hoping to be hit by Cupid’s arrow once again.

But is dating during your divorce a good idea?

While it may indeed be true that “all’s fair in love,” a little common sense doesn’t hurt either. And while I’d never want to throw cold water on a budding romance, I have some words of wisdom that I’d like to share.

I have an immense amount of experience helping individuals and couples make it through the divorce process. And I have even helped many through the more peaceful and amicable process of divorce mediation, which can save everyone a great deal of time, stress and money. In light of these experiences, here’s my compassionate and informed advice if you’re thinking about jumping back into the dating scene, and perhaps even if you hear wedding bells ringing in your near future:

If you’ve started your divorce process, honestly evaluate how your separation or divorce is going. Is it contested or uncontested? Is it demanding a lot of your time and resources? Is it emotionally overwhelming? You want to lay the groundwork for a new, strong relationship while you’re in a “good place” emotionally, psychologically and perhaps even financially, too. You also want to be able to devote your time and attention to your divorce, because the decisions you make during this time will affect you for years to come. Further, consider how your spouse may react when he or she finds out you’re dating. Is that going to add fuel to a highly contested divorce? More than likely, the answer is “yes.”

If you haven’t started your divorce process, then it’s important that you know what the road ahead looks like -- so you can prepare yourself and focus on the outcome you want. You also need to be aware that the process can be time consuming and, at times, exhaustive and difficult. After all, even the most amicable divorce is still a divorce, and it’s human nature to feel angry, sad and disappointed -- and sometimes, all three at the same time.

Be aware that there is a possibility that your dating behavior during divorce could affect custody and parenting issues. Your children haven’t achieved finality and closure of the divorce, and putting a new person in their life right now isn’t recommended by child psychologists.

Also, custody and parenting may be negatively impacted if your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a questionable past. This can further complicate the divorce process and significantly increase your legal fees if the focus becomes this new person, instead of you and your own divorce.

I also suggest that you be careful about having your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night when you have overnights with the children. Innocently, the kids may comment to the other parent about how your boyfriend or girlfriend “tucked them into bed” or “gave them breakfast.” This could lead to an emotional response by your spouse and prevent settlement discussions from focusing on the real issues. Generally, if you use discretion and common sense and make an effort not to expose your children to your new boyfriend or girlfriend, it shouldn’t be an issue.

Happily ever after the second time ’round? Maybe -- or maybe not

It’s interesting to note that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. While the reason for this higher divorce rate is unknown, it could be that some of these second marriages got off to a rocky start, because the ex-spouses didn’t deal with the emotional impact of their divorce, and aren’t really ready for another relationship -- at least, not yet.

My best advice? When it comes to dating during or soon after divorce, rely on both the wisdom of your heart and the intelligence of your head -- and not one instead of the other.

Does Age Matter?

I had a conversation with a friend over lunch in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s okay to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties.

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce, he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship.

Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Just because someone has the same life experiences as you, it doesn’t mean he/she has the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences -- and that can apply to how he treats sex and intimacy matters too.

After I dated Junior, I tested the waters by dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different Manimal species (including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only put into the category called “Excessive Talk about Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules”).

During this period I realized once again that despite sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” And when you’re not on the same page, entering an intimate relationship in the post-divorce stage can complicate things even more.

Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes and dislikes. It also creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, regardless of whether you want to have them as a romantic partner. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while due to divorce, it’s okay to play the field a bit as you “practice” dating -- but remember that “dating” and “intimacy” aren’t interchangeable.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he’s “really mature” or texts you at 11:30 p.m. asking, “Where you at?”

These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner.

It really is fun to realize you can attract younger men and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but it’s critical to recognize that its value is just that: a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew what I was looking for was a more holistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and someone who lived in Los Angeles. I’m now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than I am.

Of course there are times when I wonder if he’ll be attracted to me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles, or if it really does matter that I’ve let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I’m centered and come from a place of self-love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me: the good parts, the parts that are works in progress, and the woman who “looks good for 40-plus.”

Which brings me to the most important lesson of all: Instead of focusing on the number, determine your values, decide what you’re looking for in a partner, and then decide if the person matches your values, your maturity, and your vision for a partner. This is far more important than the digits on their driver’s license.

Proč byste neměli nechat zastrašit atraktivní ženy

Dating After Divorce and Other Lessons Learned

By Susan Orlins

After my separation at age 52, I thought I’d simply revert to the lively dating life I’d had in my twenties. It didn’t work that way. Most men my age seemed to have an eye only for women whose necks were long and smooth like a Chardonnay bottle.

I thought cosmetic surgery would help. Then I looked around and, though I saw some women who’d benefitted, I decided the possibility of looking worse was too real. And who wants to have their head stapled anyway?

I threw my self a divorce party, which was a great way to meet people. Plus it gave me a celebratory Auntie Mame aura.

At every opportunity, I cultivated new friendships with interesting men to go to dinner with. I never hesitated to call a guy to join me for an outing.

Everyone said you have to lie about your age. But lying about my age on my online dating profile backfired. If you decide to lie about your age, I suggest preserving the deception. Thinking I was being up front, I’d fess up right away and that was the end before there was even a beginning.

One friend told me he was fixed up with a woman he liked, but he thought she was too young, 48 to his 56. He wanted to age together with someone. Then he learned she had lied about her age, but he never asked her out again.

Avoid using the C-word or references to accelerating a relationship too soon. Some men are terrified of commitment, which everyone knows, but after divorce that kind of memory can dim.

On the other hand, men seem to get scooped up within months of becoming divorced or widowed, so timing is tricky.

I spent several years with Mr. Wrong and it was a wonderful time. I learned to give up notions I had when I was younger of how someone needed to look or act for me to be attracted. I learned to broaden the narrow universe of available men.

I weighed the odds. It took going to around 10 singles events to meet one guy I wanted to go out with. Finally I decided I’d rather spend the time going to a movie alone.

Swing dancing saved me. Just knowing I could go dancing any night of the week gave me a boost. Maybe I’d go once or twice a week. The music, the exercise, the human contact was exhilirating. People were there to dance, so not much for dating opportunities, but doing something I loved was more fun than a mediocre date!

Every summer I try to take a bike trip. Exercise always elevates the mood. Yoga adds yet another dimension. Being kind to your body helps your soul.

Going out with couples can be twice the fun.

Reframing helps. In my case, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I thought about the positives of being able to spend more time with my aging parents. Also I have some treasured friendships that divorce allowed me time to cultivate.

I compensated for the time my children spent with their dad. For example, I began getting up early so we could all have breakfast together before they went to school (which felt like the 50’s, when I was a kid).

I learned from others. One night I heard Paula Allende on C-Span talking about her daughter Paula, who had died. She referred to the remarkable ability of the human spirit to rise above adversity. Wow, if she could, then so could I. Though of course, the loss of a child is something you never recover from the way you can from a divorce.

Divorced with kids means "married for life." So if your ex is as devoted to the kids as mine is, then it improves both your and your kids’ lives to strive for harmony. We have been taking "family" vacations every summer for around 8 years now. We all look forward to that week.

Finally, I learned I don’t need a man to make me whole, in fact, my newest worry is what if I meet a guy I like? Then what?

7 Raisons Pourquoi Rencontres peut être un défi

Sometimes, Distance In Dating Is For The Best

By Cheryl Rogers

Today, I share my best dating tip for someone who is newly divorced. Consider the advantages of a long-distance relationship.

I believe people who say they came through a divorce unscathed are fooling themselves. Divorce is difficult, and it ought to be. You’re giving up on something you vowed would last until death. If you take marriage seriously, then ending one should give you pause.

Sometimes divorce is the best decision. While nothing revives beaten self-esteem like meeting someone new who thinks you’re wonderful, it’s good to go slow. A friend of mine, a family therapist, advised, “Take your time until you’re sure you’re ready. Then wait a little longer. Then proceed with caution.”

Hence, my endorsement of a long-distance relationship. Getting to know people via e-mail, instant messaging, phone or text takes time. While you’re getting to know them, they’re not under foot. You have the much-needed time and space to settle into your new life, to find your own way.

The distance prevents you from repeating past mistakes before you have a chance to learn from them.

After my divorce, I had no intention of messing up my life with a guy again. Then I impulsively went to a high school class reunion — and met someone. Years before, we’d graduated in the same class with 450 other students. We weren’t even on each other’s radar back then. At the reunion, we swapped e-mail addresses. Then I returned to Michigan, and he returned to Kyrgyzstan.

Kyrgyzstan is a country in central Asia, bordering Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan. Contrary to what you learned of the area from Borat, it does have Internet access. We got to know each other through e-mail, navigating a 10-hour time difference. A slow process, certainly. Yet a sensible pace for me at that time.

That was more than two years ago. Since then, Mike’s moved to Afghanistan, where he works for a defense contractor on a NATO base in Kabul. We can now instant-message, but base technology doesn’t lend itself well to Skype or webcam use.

Dating isn’t typical. No normal Saturday dinner and a movie for us. In two years, we’ve had only five dates. Still, they were really good dates. I needed my passport for three of them.

There was a time my single friends and I would negatively describe a potential date as GUD — Geographically Undesirable. Sure, a long-distance relationship won’t work forever. If someone is willing to change his life — for example, move out of a war zone — it has potential.

However, after a toxic one, relationship speed bumps aren’t necessarily bad.

Thank you to Janet Carr, director of religious education for Community Unitarian Universalist Church in Brighton. Carr told me that this today, at the 10:30 a.m. service, congregation members will donate mittens to a mitten tree, then they’ll be given to us at the Livingston County Daily Press & Argus.

We will pass them on to needy Livingston County children whose families are assisted through the Empty Stocking Fund.

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