Why Dating Needs More Politics

By Cristen Conger

If you’re looking for love during this Presidential campaign season (or any time, as a matter of fact), there’s a quick way to figure out whether that online profile incarnate is a genuinely compatible match: talk about politics. Oh, wait. That’s one of the four topics -- alongside money, sex and religion -- Emily Post says young ladies must never, ever broach on a first date, right? Well sure, if you want to be a polite and all, don’t mention the electoral college and super PACs. That said, personal experience has taught me that etiquette quickly curtsies and exits once you’ve found a keeper. And at the end of the night, isn’t dating really just a search for someone who won’t recoil at the sight of you polishing off a couple dozen chicken wings in bed while watching Girls?

Just as we’re loathe to divulge secret habits, such as the embarrassing places we consume take- out, to prospective suitors, a 2011 study quaintly titled “Do bedroom eyes wear political glasses?” found that political views (not-so-surprisingly) aren’t interests we readily advertise in the dating market. Out of the 2,944 online dating profiles the political scientists analyzed, only 14 percent acknowledged politics, with most blandly describing their stances as “middle of the road.” Furthermore, people’s red or blue leanings ranked fourth-from-last out of 27 dating profile interest categories, cozily sandwiched between video games and business networking.

Granted, a Pew Research Center survey published that same year also found an increasing number of Americans shying away from Republican or Democratic affiliations, so maybe that online dating data represented a broader distaste for all-things-Beltway. However, the survey also found that people’s political ideologies were nevertheless entrenched in conservative or liberal values and platforms, which implies that many of those online daters probably weren’t as “middle of the road” as they might’ve wished to appear in hopes of casting a wide dating net. Either way, we clearly seem to think politics and romance don’t go together.

But all of that dainty tiptoeing around donkeys and elephants might do an eventual disservice for folks who are sincerely interested in long-term relationships because like it or not, people tend to end up with politically like-minded people. Another study published in 2011 put thousands of American married couples who had been together anywhere from one to 67 years under a sociological microscope to find out to what extent spouses see eye-to-eye on political and social issues, compared to how they match up on more biologically and genetically influenced traits, like physique and personality. The in-depth data finagling unearthed a bit of fascinating insight: above and beyond similar personality traits, affect and beauty, attitudes on politics and religion held much stronger correlations between husbands and wives. In other words, a tall, introverted Romney fan is statistically more likely settle down with a short, social butterfly Republican than a statuesque bookworm Obama-ite.

It’s also worth noting that the study didn’t just ask participants to check their preferred political parties and call it a day. It polled them on a 28-item index of political and social issues, including abortion, gay rights, living together and immigration. Regardless of how long a couple had been canoodling, those similarities also remained strong. In the words of the study authors: “It would appear humans place more importance on finding a mate who is a kindred spirit with regard to politics, religion and social activity than they do on locating similar mates in terms of physique or personality...”

So even though we’re most likely to end up with someone who shares core values like politics, as opposed to hot-or-not ranking and grade-A personalities, we don’t want to spoil the superficial fun quite so quickly, those two studies imply. Despite the overwhelming empirical evidence that humans generally adhere to assortative mating in which birds of a feather flock together, we want to believe, for whatever reason, that opposites attract. Not to say there aren’t potential benefits of bucking the study findings and crossing party lines. A Bush-Kerry era New York Magazine story profiled a cluster of liberal-leaning singles who had inadvertantly slept with or dated conservatives and reported back red-hot romps, in the words of one source, “because of the forbidden aspect,” dampened only by their guilt of fraternizing with the political enemy.

Now, if playing a round of “Would You Rather: Mitt or Barack Edition” on a date still doesn’t sit well, OKCupid offers another way to deduce a person’s probable political affiliations. Just toss out this head-scratcher: “Do you prefer people in your life to be complex or simple?” According to the dating site’s enormous vault of personal information on would-be lovers, “complexity-preferrers are 65-70% likely to give the Liberal answer. And those who prefer simplicity in others are 65-70% likely to give the Conservative one.”

Or, if you’re looking for a kind of love like I am that knows no political bounds (and aren’t we all?), you can ask extend a more straightforward inquiry -- chicken wings in bed: Check yes or no.

Women Take the Lead in Dating

With changing times, dating rules are also being re-written. Nowadays, it’s not uncommon for a woman to ask a guy out. It also seems that when it comes to dating, women just love it. A British study has found women to be taking the lead when it comes to finding love, with one-fourth of them dating three or more men at the same time.

Research shows that the average single female is regularly seeing at least two prospective partners at one time, and they date five men a year, the Daily Express reported. Also, women are willing to spend money on paying the bills too.

According to the study, carried out by the restaurant chain TGI Friday, it’s only 18% of women that thought the man should pay during the date. Half of the male respondents agreed to that, saying that woman should either contribute or go halves.

Nearly a third of females said that traditional dating rules hardly apply anymore, with a quarter having asked a man out rather than waiting for the guy to make a move.

Also, one in four in a relationship would consider proposing, with nine in 10 men wanting their girlfriend to do so, according to the study. “With a growing number of economically independent woman who take their own decision, dating rules will change further in terms of equality,” says psychiatrist Dr Avdesh Sharma.

In Modern Valentine Quest, Dating Is Digital

Love’s labor is not lost -- at least, not online.

Dating for most people is now officially a digital endeavor, according to a study out just in time for Valentine’s Day. Commissioned by the Association for Psychological Science (APS), the 64-page report analyzed 400 psychology studies and public interest surveys and concluded that most romantic connections today are made online, second only to meeting through friends.

That may not be so surprising given the vicissitudes of trying to meet people by hanging out in the local coffee shack with your laptop, decked out in your favorite hipster attire. And the work place is no place to find a date since it’s fraught with potential political and ethical snags nowadays: Do I work for her? Does she work for me? Oh, forget it.

By many accounts -- including a personal survey of friends -- the online dating scene is a vibrant social milieu that no longer carries the stigma it once did. Back in the 90’s many friends would chide with, “What’s the matter? Couldn’t you meet anyone in a bar?” That’s when less than 1 percent of people met partners through online or offline personals.

By 2005, about 37 percent of single Americans had set up dates online. Today, about 40 million Americans visit online dating sites each month, roughly one in three relationships start online, and over 120,000 marriages a year were spawned on the Web (according to Online Dating Magazine).

Indeed, several friends admitted to me that they met their (current) wives online, a fact I didn’t know until I started researching for this column. So maybe there’s still something of a stigma attached to online attachments.

While people may be hooking up online more often, it isn’t due to any scientific or magic algorithms. The ASP study dismisses all such claims by dating sites, noting that there’s no objective evidence that they can do a better job finding a match using special software. One friend confirmed this, noting that he found big sites like Match.com “like going to the mall.” Maybe you’ll find the right person in the crowd, but there are more misses than hits.

And while I’ve met people who seem happy with eHarmony, others who’ve tried it found it “icky.” Many people recommend finding a smaller site that’s tailored to your particular interests, such as Nerve.com, or one based on a local community group.

Digital dating can yield successful long-term romantic relationships, according to the study, because the sites offer access and communication. There are several other reasons for a growing comfort level with these sites, I believe. The first is that the rejection takes place in advance and anonymously. You don’t have to know how many people have checked you out, and then dismissed you (much better than enduring insults at the bar).

The second attraction of digital dating is that it’s flexible. Busy this week? Contact them next week. Not comfortable having a thousand men pore over your profile? Go to HerWay.com where all the female profiles are hidden. The women go through the men’s profiles and then decide who to contact. It avoids the problem some women have experienced of being “carpet bombed” by contacts from men. HerWay.com claims that it is at least five times more likely that online daters will successfully connect when a woman initiates contact. No kidding.

The third reason this scene works is that it’s work. Filling out all that personal information, favorite songs, the three famous people from history you’d invite to dinner, etc., takes time and effort. So it’s a self-selecting, goal-oriented group. Of course, the differences between men and women aren’t erased by going online.

According to the APS report, a study of 6,485 users of a major dating site found that men viewed three times more profiles than women did. That fact underscores one potential pitfall of online dating: It can turn into online shopping. The researchers warn that this can make people overly “judgmental” and picky. (So what if she likes Adele; go with it.) They also warn that too much digital dialogue can kill the buzz by generating unrealistic expectations before you meet: “He was so attentive online, but now he hardly calls.”

Naturally, if you’re not looking for a serious relationship and want to find someone right this minute, there’s an app for that. At least two seem to be picking up, er, steam. Skout has 7 million members and works by introducing “like minded” singles to one another based on proximity. There’s also SinglesAroundMe, a similar, international location-based mobile app. Others are Blendr and Grindr.

As for dating sites, no matter what you do, “You have to be honest,” advises one woman who found her boyfriend of two years online. “You have to know what you want. And you have to know what you’ll give up to get it,” she told me. She and others also noted that you can ask some tough questions right up front, something you’d be unlikely to do face to face.

So now that online dating has gone mainstream, there’s no excuse not to get out there.

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Study says Republicans have the best sex, Democrats the most

A new study conducted by the dating site Match.com found that self-described single, conservative Republicans are more likely to achieve orgasm during sex than partisans of any other political persuasion.

Liberal Democrats were those least likely to experience fulfilling sexual intimacy, although they reportedly have more frequent sex than their conservative counterparts.

The “Single in America Study” polled 5,000 individuals and found that 53 percent of single conservative Republicans are likely to achieve orgasm during sex, compared with 40 percent of liberal Democrats.

However, conservative Republicans had less sex over the past 12 months than any other group polled in the survey. They were also the most likely to have never had sex.

The study was commissioned by match.com in conjunction with Dr. Laura Berman and biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher.

Some other interesting sociological findings from the study:

Liberal Democrats are more likely to seek out a partner with a sense of humor, a sense of independence, someone they consider their equal and someone who shares a comparable lifestyle.

Conversely, conservative Republicans make similarly reserved choices in their mates, opting for someone with a comparable background and political affiliation who is interested in marriage.

Attitudes about sexual activity also seemed to reflect the larger political stereotypes associated with each group. For example, Republicans were the most likely to report enjoying sex in a married relationship (40 percent). Democrats were the most likely to enjoy sex in a committed but unmarried relationship (48 percent) or living together (36 percent). And those free-wheeling libertarians are most likely to enjoy a “casual hook-up” (46 percent).

And while Republicans seem to change their preference for a political candidate each week, it’s Democrats (65 percent) and registered Libertarians (66 percent) who are willing to have a one-night stand, as opposed to 49 percent of Republican respondents.

Whites Prefer Dating Whites Online

U.S. whites prefer to date members of their own race, while blacks are more likely to cross the racial barrier to find romance, researchers suggest.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, analyzed the racial preferences and online activity of 1 million profiles of U.S. singles looking for love online at a major Internet dating service from 2009 to 2010.

The online dating service asked subscribers if they wanted to date only within their race, or if they preferred someone outside their race, or if they were open to dating someone of any race.

Lead author Gerald Mendelsohn and colleagues say they compared the online daters’ stated preferences with the people they actually contacted.

“Those who said they were indifferent to the race of a partner were most likely to be young, male and black,” Mendelsohn says in a statement.

“Whites more than blacks, women more than men and old more than young participants stated a preference for a partner of the same race.”

More than 80 percent of the whites contacted whites and fewer than 5 percent contacted blacks — a disparity that held for young and older participants.

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Women Like Dating Men Having Multiple Affairs

Here’s your license to flirt more. A startling new study from the University of Texas, Austin has found that women have a special liking for men having multiple flings with other women rather than having a homosexual affair.

At the same time, men are twice as likely to forgive female partners who cheat them for a lesbian partner rather than cheating them for another man.

According the study findings, published in the journal ’Personality and Individual Differences,’ men are okay with their female partner’s infidelity, unless and until it’s for another girl. However, women are less likely to forgive and forget their boyfriends who dump them for another guy.

The study provides a new insight into the psychological adaptation behind men and women’s desire for a sexual partner. While men desire a variety of partners, women long for a deep commitment in relationships.

“A robust jealousy mechanism is activated in men and women by different types of cues those that threaten paternity in men and those that threaten abandonment in women,” said Jaime Confer, lead author of the study and a doctoral candidate in evolutionary psychology.

Study particulars

In order to reach the study findings, Confer along with her father, Mark Cloud, a psychology professor at Lock Haven University in Pennsylvania, conducted a study.

For this purpose, they assessed 700 collegians and asked them to imagine if they were in a committed sexual and romantic relationship with someone for three months. The participants were then asked how they would react to their partner’s infidelity.

While some participants were told that their partners were unfaithful with another man, others were told that their partners cheated them for another woman. Likewise, some were told that their partner had one affair, others were told they had multiple affairs.

Study findings

Regardless of the number of partners or number of flings, it was found that men were 50 percent more likely to continue dating women involved in a homosexual relationship, and 22 percent more likely to date a woman who dumped him for another man.

Conversely, women showed a 28 percent likelihood of dating men who have had heterosexual relationships, and 21 percent likelihood of staying with men who had a homosexual affair.

Ms Confer added, “These findings are even more remarkable given that homosexuality attitude surveys show men have more negative attitudes toward homosexuality and to be less supportive of civil rights for same-sex couples than women.”

“However, this general trend of men showing lower tolerance for homosexuality than women is reversed in the one fitness-enhancing situationfemale homosexuality.”

Researchers explain that such a behavior might exist because men view women who are capable of catering to other woman’s needs as more sexually desirable.

“Such an affair may be seen as a sign of dissatisfaction with the current relationship and a prelude to possible abandonment.” Participants were also asked the outcomes of real-life infidelity experiences.

“Results mirrored those of the imagined infidelity scenarios with men significantly more likely than women to have ended their actual relationships following a partner’s heterosexual affair,” she concluded.

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Dating Other Couples May Improve Your Romantic Relationship

Want to put the spark back in your romantic relationship? Start dating other couples, suggests a new study.

Romantic relationships often start out as enjoyable or even exciting, but sometimes may become routine and boring. A Wayne State University study has revealed that dating couples who integrate other couples into their social lives are more likely to have happy and satisfying romantic relationships.

Richard B. Slatcher, assistant professor of psychology in WSU’s College of Liberal Arts and Sciences and a resident of Birmingham, Mich., specializes in social and health psychology.

His recent research suggested that spending quality time with other couples might be an important way to improve long-term dating relationships.

His study investigated 60 dating couples in a controlled laboratory setting. The object was to better understand how friendships between couples are formed, and to learn how these friendships affected each couple’s romantic relationship.

Each couple was paired with another couple and given a set of questions to discuss as a group. Half of the groups were given high-disclosure questions intended to spark intense discussion, while the other half were given small-talk questions that focused on everyday, unemotional activities.

“In this study, we discovered that those couples who were placed in the “fast friends” group felt closer to the couples they interacted with, and were more likely actually to meet up with them again during the following month,” said Slatcher. “We also learned that these same couples felt that this friendship put a spark in their own relationships, and they felt much closer to their romantic partners.”

The couples in the high-disclosure group reported greater increases in positive feelings after the intense interaction. They also felt the interaction was more novel and that they learned new things about their romantic partner compared to couples in the small-talk group. In addition, one-third of the couples in the high-disclosure group contacted the other couple they met in the study, while none of the couples in the small-talk group initiated contact with the couple they had met.

“This study suggests that if your romantic relationship has a case of the doldrums, having fun with another couple may help make your own relationship more satisfying,” said Slatcher.

The study recently appeared in Personal Relationships.

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Matching Language, True Love?

By Kathleen Doheny HealthDay

The next time you have a first date, forget about chemistry and common interests.

What really matters, new research suggests, is whether your language styles match.

How can you boost the chances of that, you ask? Well, it’s kind of like chemistry — it’s there or it isn’t.

The kind of language style the researchers focused on was the use of such words as personal pronouns (I, his, their); articles (a, the); prepositions (in, under), and adverbs (very, rather) — the types of words most people don’t give much thought to.

But when this language style is in synch with someone else’s, well, the sparks might just fly, said study author James Pennebaker, the chair of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. He and his colleagues evaluated the language style of 40 men and 40 women who were speed dating and found that the more it matched, the better. When speed daters picked their matches, they tended to go for those whose language style matched their own, he found.

“You are four times more likely to match and probably go on a date if your language style matching is even just above average,” he said.

In a second study, Pennebaker’s team looked at 86 couples’ instant message exchanges and found that language style matching mattered there, too. Participants were age 19, on average, many of them living in different towns as they attended school.

“These are wonderful groups to study,” Pennebaker said. “They have notoriously unstable relationships.”

They had to be dating at least six months. “What we found is if their IMs were high in language style matching they were much more likely to be together three months later,” he said.

Those with the highest matching, he said, “were 50% more likely to be dating at follow-up.”

The study was recently published online in the journal Psychological Science.

Some experts think you are attracted to a person and begin to talk like them. Others say when someone talks like you, you are attracted to them.

It may be a bit of both, Pennebaker said. And he feels that paying attention to the other person plays in, as well.

The new research may actually help reduce nervousness for first-time daters, said Jeffrey Hancock, an associate professor of communication at Cornell University. Because you can’t give someone instructions in how to have their subtle language style match another’s, he said, the only advice is “be yourself.”

And cut yourself some slack, perhaps. “If you interact the same way the other (person) interacts, you are going to be in good shape,” Hancock said. “If you don’t, it’s not your fault.”

He agrees that paying attention to the other person also counts and, like language style, comes naturally. “If I really like you, I am going to pay attention,” he said.

The new study shows that “the words we choose in everyday interactions are related to the success of our relationships, including whether the relationship progresses from a casual meeting to a romantic relationship and whether we resolve conflicts,” said Rachel Simmons, a postdoctoral fellow in psychology at New York Presbyterian Hospital.

In her own research, she has found that couples who use more “I” and “we” words solve problems better than those who use more “you” words.

She, too, thinks the language matching works both ways. “The more a person matches your speech and behavior patterns, the more you like them. The more you like them, the more you match their speech and behavior.”

Pennebaker is co-developer and owner of a text analysis program, and donates profits from sales of that program to the university.

Deciding Factors In Speed Dating

(CNN) — Forget high-paying jobs, kindness or a sense of humor. When people go looking for love at big speed-dating events, they have so many choices that they narrow their criteria down to height and weight, a new study finds.

Previous studies found consumers to be overwhelmed if they faced too many choices at grocery stores. So two British scientists wondered if the human brain also became overwhelmed by too many potential partners in the dating marketplace.

University of Edinburgh psychological scientist Alison Lenton and University of Essex economist Marco Francesconi analyzed 84 speed-dating events. The results of their study are published in the journal Psychological Science.

The men and women at the events would meet with a series of potential dates for about three minutes each. And at the end of the evening, they would turn in their yes and no choices.

The preferences at all the events tended to be people who were taller, younger and well-educated. Women also rejected men who were too skinny, while men tended to reject overweight women.

But the study found that at smaller events with fewer decisions to be made, the choosers had time to consider a potential partner’s level of education, employment and whether they smoked -- all attributes that require some conversation.

But at events with 24 or more potential dates, choosers narrowed their decisions with parameters that could be determined in a quick glance: height and weight.

The scientists concluded that the dating environment can have a big effect on someone’s romantic future.

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