Soul mate? I think not!

Call me crazy, but if it seems that her kids hate you, she lies and cheats, and you can’t get along, then she’s not your soul mate. But I digress.

Mark met Mary Catherine online. At the time, he was divorced for four years after 21 years of marriage and had just ended a relationship.

“To say I enjoyed dating would be an understatement. I liked meeting different women and would date two or three at the same time.”

But that all changed with Mary Catherine, “She was so refreshing, genuine and full of life. It was contagious.”

But after five weeks of dating, she broke up with him. Then, a few weeks later, her dog passed away and she called him.

“I came right over and we buried her dog in the garden and planted some flowers over him. That was the beginning of the most fantastic 18 months of my life. I had met my soul mate. I thought I knew what love was, but I was so off. Not to sound too corny, but she completed me. I laughed at that line in ‘Jerry Maguire,’ but with Mary Catherine, it made sense.”

After those “fantastic” 18 months, with the relationship at the point where they were talking about living together and maybe getting married, they had a fight.

“It was one of those fights that start out small over something stupid — it was my fault — then escalate. We should have been one of those old couples who walk down the street holding hands, instead we broke up.”

The fight started at a wedding. They’d both been drinking. They were on the dance floor. Mary Catherine told Mark to stay there with his friends while she went back to the bar.

“I took it as her telling me what to do. It simmered until we got back to our room, and then all hell broke loose. Everything she had been keeping inside came pouring out in not in a nice way. We left early the next morning and didn’t talk for the two hour ride home. I came back later that day to apologize, but the damage had been done.

“We went to dinner later that week to talk and it was very emotional. One of our big problems was my relationship, or lack thereof, with her children. She has four grown kids. Their father left them when the youngest was just a year, so they’re very close. Her two other marriages both ended in less than two years.

“Her kids hated both of those men, too. They’ve told her point blank that they’ll never be happy with her dating anyone. Even though they said they’d never seen her happier or better taken care of, they never warmed up to me.”

That dinner started a period of breaking up and getting back together. Mark started seeing a counselor. He lost 40 pounds and was an emotional wreck. He told Mary Catherine he loved her and wanted to be with her. She said she felt the same, then he found out she was back on a dating web site.

“We broke up again. I took her back again. This happened a few more times. I still love and miss her very much.”

Dating After Divorce and Other Lessons Learned

By Susan Orlins

After my separation at age 52, I thought I’d simply revert to the lively dating life I’d had in my twenties. It didn’t work that way. Most men my age seemed to have an eye only for women whose necks were long and smooth like a Chardonnay bottle.

I thought cosmetic surgery would help. Then I looked around and, though I saw some women who’d benefitted, I decided the possibility of looking worse was too real. And who wants to have their head stapled anyway?

I threw my self a divorce party, which was a great way to meet people. Plus it gave me a celebratory Auntie Mame aura.

At every opportunity, I cultivated new friendships with interesting men to go to dinner with. I never hesitated to call a guy to join me for an outing.

Everyone said you have to lie about your age. But lying about my age on my online dating profile backfired. If you decide to lie about your age, I suggest preserving the deception. Thinking I was being up front, I’d fess up right away and that was the end before there was even a beginning.

One friend told me he was fixed up with a woman he liked, but he thought she was too young, 48 to his 56. He wanted to age together with someone. Then he learned she had lied about her age, but he never asked her out again.

Avoid using the C-word or references to accelerating a relationship too soon. Some men are terrified of commitment, which everyone knows, but after divorce that kind of memory can dim.

On the other hand, men seem to get scooped up within months of becoming divorced or widowed, so timing is tricky.

I spent several years with Mr. Wrong and it was a wonderful time. I learned to give up notions I had when I was younger of how someone needed to look or act for me to be attracted. I learned to broaden the narrow universe of available men.

I weighed the odds. It took going to around 10 singles events to meet one guy I wanted to go out with. Finally I decided I’d rather spend the time going to a movie alone.

Swing dancing saved me. Just knowing I could go dancing any night of the week gave me a boost. Maybe I’d go once or twice a week. The music, the exercise, the human contact was exhilirating. People were there to dance, so not much for dating opportunities, but doing something I loved was more fun than a mediocre date!

Every summer I try to take a bike trip. Exercise always elevates the mood. Yoga adds yet another dimension. Being kind to your body helps your soul.

Going out with couples can be twice the fun.

Reframing helps. In my case, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I thought about the positives of being able to spend more time with my aging parents. Also I have some treasured friendships that divorce allowed me time to cultivate.

I compensated for the time my children spent with their dad. For example, I began getting up early so we could all have breakfast together before they went to school (which felt like the 50’s, when I was a kid).

I learned from others. One night I heard Paula Allende on C-Span talking about her daughter Paula, who had died. She referred to the remarkable ability of the human spirit to rise above adversity. Wow, if she could, then so could I. Though of course, the loss of a child is something you never recover from the way you can from a divorce.

Divorced with kids means "married for life." So if your ex is as devoted to the kids as mine is, then it improves both your and your kids’ lives to strive for harmony. We have been taking "family" vacations every summer for around 8 years now. We all look forward to that week.

Finally, I learned I don’t need a man to make me whole, in fact, my newest worry is what if I meet a guy I like? Then what?

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