Dating Without Fear

Four years ago, the guy I was seeing -- JJ, my best friend in the world -- committed suicide. Rather than deal with the loss, I did what I do best, and I immediately jumped into a new relationship. That relationship ended in disaster when I caught him cheating on me with not one but two women. Before I even got the chance to call him out on it, he “broke up” with me... by sending me an email and changing his relationship status on MySpace. I mean, really, aren’t we supposed to be adults?

After that, I went on a bit of a dating hiatus. Let’s be honest: If that’s what’s out there for me, who wants to even bother leaving the house? And so, I finally let myself come to terms with JJ’s death. By “come to terms” I mean that I adopted an oxycodone habit that I coupled with drinking my weight in alcohol. About five minutes before I was probably going to get fired from my job and OD on my kitchen floor, I picked myself up, threw myself into therapy and got it together. And, wouldn’t you know, a few months later, I met Army Boy.

When I found out that he was being deployed to Iraq a week later, this of course seemed like the perfect relationship to me. Makes sense, right? It was actually the anniversary of JJ’s death, and Army Boy brought me breakfast and spent the whole day with me. It’s still one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, and he actually turned out to be an amazing person. A week later, he was in Texas preparing to go to war. He flew me out to Fort Bliss (seriously, that’s the name -- how cute is that?) to spend his last week in the States with him, and it was an incredible trip. I climbed a mountain, made a friend I believe I will have for a lifetime, ate at the greatest steakhouse ever (there are actually cows outside) and, oh yeah, got knocked up. I found out about a month after Army Boy left. We were picking out names and planning to move to Florida together when he got back from Iraq. And then I lost the baby. And it went from really, really good to Wes Craven nightmare. I never knew that someone who told you they loved you could cause so much hurt. I swore off men forever at that point.

“Forever” lasted about six months, which is when I met a very cute bouncer at a local bar who made me smile. So what if his ex was pregnant with their baby? (Are you catching on that I don’t have the best judgment when it comes to my love life?) This wasn’t going to be anything serious for me anyway, just a way to get back into the game. Until I then met a very sexy bartender who happened to work at the same bar as the bouncer. Tricky, but not impossible. I eventually chose the sexy little bartender, who, although he has a wonderful heart and it was well worth the sex (who knew I could still manage to do it in a car at 28 years old?), turned out to be a huge waste of my time. And the bouncer? He now has a very beautiful little baby girl, whom he sends me pictures of every now and then. And he is back with his baby’s mama. Obviously.

While I was still open to the whole dating experience, I had given up hope at this point that there was still the “nice guy” out there. And then I met Doc. He was handsome, funny, kind and... a doctor. Too good to be true, right? So, after playing coy for weeks, I finally agreed to go out with him, and it was pretty much an insta-relationship. I could tell him about all of the baggage from my past -- let’s face it, I come with plenty -- and he barely even flinched. He was just a great guy, and I really thought it would last forever. Until it didn’t.

See, the thing is, it really is all about timing with relationships. My family will waste no time reminding me that I’m in my 30s and not getting any younger. How I even manage to get out of bed in the morning is a mystery, right? Well, I never thought I wanted children until it almost happened, and then it became all I could think about. I swear, I think I’m a step away from lactating when I hear someone else’s baby cry. It’s sickening. But Doc is four years younger than me and not ready to take those steps yet. I can’t blame him, really. When I was his age, I was living in Fort Lauderdale, dancing on bars and hooking up with the drummer in the band. If someone had tried to get me to live with them and pop out babies, I would’ve joined WITSEC. And so, another one bit the dust.

At a time when I thought I would have already published a book, married the man of my dreams and traveled the world, my life couldn’t be further from that -- but things could be worse. I actually gave in to the world of online dating. After all, how much worse could it get? While it’s still early, I am now in a relationship with someone who has made me happier than I remember being in a very long time. Whether or not there is such a thing as fate or soul mates, I’m not sure I’ll ever know. But at the end of the day, I haven’t given up hope. Maybe that makes me fearless, maybe it makes me a fool. But it’s what gets me out of bed each morning. That and cinnamon dolce lattes.

By Kaylee Scottaline

Indonesian Women Take Dating Into Their Own Hands

In the past, women were expected to wait around for a man to choose them. But that image of the princess sighing out the window of the tallest tower no longer applies in Indonesia. Educated Indonesian women know what they want, and with the help of modern technology they are going out to get it.

Armed with a list of characteristics that they look for in a partner, more women are signing up to online dating sites to find their very own Prince Charming, with varying degrees of success.

We talk confidentially to three women about their experiences with Internet matchmaking and the factors they think can make or break a relationship.

Via, college student

Via looks for three things in a man: proximity, piety and a proposal. Better still if he’s a fan of Japanese cartoons and comics.

The 24-year-old college student began her search for love online when she was browsing a site for fans of all things Japan. She noticed a column advertising a dating service, and decided to click through and join.

“I thought, who knows? I may even find someone who likes Japan as much as I do and we can have our honeymoon there,” she said.

Via gave her real name and a link to her website. She tried to be as honest as possible about herself, because she was looking for a husband, not a boyfriend.

“If I date someone, it’s with the intention of getting married,” she said. “I want that to be clear. In the past, I have ended relationships with guys who aren’t clear about whether they want to get married.”

She is also upfront with her prospective partners about the importance of having the same religion.

“For me, religion is always No. 1,” she said. “And I don’t mean just as something on their identity card. I want them to really understand the teachings they follow.”

Via believes that differences in background are complicated enough without throwing in a difference of religion. She wants to find a Muslim husband with the same values as her, so they can build a life together.

But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t broken her own rules in the past.

Via once developed an online relationship with a hotel owner from India. Once they got chatting, the pair found they actually had a lot in common, despite their distance.

The more they chatted, the closer they felt to one another, until finally the man said he wanted to come to Jakarta to meet her.

Via said that was fine, so long as he wanted to get married and stay with her in Indonesia. She was afraid to go with him to India, where she had no friends or family and couldn’t speak the language.

“He was really broken,” she said. “He cried and said he couldn’t believe it. He was angry with me. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to do, because that was the reality.”

After that, they stopped chatting and Via avoided going online. But her search continues for a husband closer to home.

“My parents told me that a difference of culture within Indonesia is difficult enough, let alone trying to find someone overseas,” she said.

Ajeng, public relations officer

After her best friend married a man she met online, Ajeng thought she might give it a go, too.

The 30-year-old public relations officer set up a profile on indonesiancupid.com and started searching for men in the age range of 30 to 40, preferring those with a good-looking profile picture and a steady job.

She tried to be honest about herself in her profile, disclosing that she enjoys the occasional drink and cigarette, but didn’t give her real name.

“I think if you met a guy on there, you would expect that he would do the same,” she said.

Ajeng would like to find someone to start a relationship with, but is also happy to just get to know someone and see how things go. Some of the people she has met online have turned out to be lasting friends. But some have turned out to be more than friends, too.

“There’s this one guy I really like, he lives in Pakistan,” she said. “He really caught my eye among the other profile pictures, so I clicked the heart icon to show interest. About a week later, he sent a message to me and we started e-mailing back and forth.”

Ajeng ended up chatting to the guy on a regular basis before they decided to “meet” over video chat.

“I felt so excited, but a little bit worried. I wondered if he really looked as handsome as he did in the picture,” she said.

When the video connection was up and running, Ajeng was impressed by what she saw — until he started to smile. The first thing she noticed was that he had a front tooth missing.

“I told my friends, ‘He’s so hot ... but toothless!’ and they burst out laughing,” she said.

But Ajeng didn’t let a small detail like that get in the way. The pair have already made plans to meet up in Jakarta next month.

“I think he’s a really nice guy, and maybe I shouldn’t judge him by his looks,” she said.

The only trouble is, in some of their conversations, Ajeng herself feels like she is being judged.

“He told me he doesn’t like girls who smoke or drink. He said it turned him off,” she said. “It sounds like he’s the one who’s judging without noticing that on my profile, it’s clearly shown that I do those things.

“For now, I’m just going to consider him a friend,” she added.

Pradnya, professional writer

When Pradnya signs up to online dating services, her first mission is to sort the straight-talkers from the scammers.

The 35-year-old writer is selective about who she opens up to, and keeps only a small number of people on her chat list.

Pradnya has profiles on Oasis.com and AsianEuro.com, a site that promises to help “Asian singles find their true love” and Europeans find “the Asian woman of their dreams.” But so far, what she has mostly found is friendship.

“Out of like 10 guys — all of whom were overseas — that I ever chatted with, I finally met two of them in person. We never started a relationship, as we didn’t feel fit for each other as time went by, but we remain very good friends until now, and it’s been years,” she said.

Pradnya uses an alias online, though she will often reveal her real name after chatting for some time. Chatting is really what she is looking for: She writes on her profile that she wants to meet “someone who is real, honest and whom I can feel comfortable being around.”

Religion is not an issue for her, and neither is location.

When she was assigned to write a story overseas in the city where one of her online friends lived, she met up with him while she was there.

“Both of us felt as if we had known each other for a long time when we first met,” she said. “That is quite normal when you are communicating with someone online, as you feel that you can tell them everything and are somehow very open with them.”

But the friendship never became anything more than that.

“As we spent time together we realized that we wouldn’t be good in a relationship, but we would be very good friends,” she said.

Pradnya does not feel disappointed that none of her encounters turned into love stories.

“A lot of people may think the online dating concept is ridiculous, but I’ve tried it myself and I think it’s just fine,” she said. “Yes, there are scammers, or people who are not real out there, but there are people who are sincere, too.”

Three Ways Women Fail at Dating

On a recent episode of the weekly dating advice show Planet Love Match Radio, author and love stylist Tristan Coopersmith examined three of the most common mistakes single women make in their love lives. Coopersmith explained that the dating traps women fall into are: being unrealistic, sharing too much information too soon, and “fast-forward” dating.

Setting lofty, unrealistic goals has some single women feeling dating frustration. "I think the biggest mistake that women do in dating… and I blame Walt Disney for this, is looking for the fairytale, looking for Prince Charming," Coopersmith says. She adds that having a list of wants and needs is great; however, projecting a future that plays like a movie puts added pressure on a relationship that hasn’t even started yet. “Looking for perfection, it’s just not going to happen. Be realistic,” she states.

Employing her many years of experience, Coopersmith has found a distinctive approach to love. Working as a “love stylist” she is neither a matchmaker nor wing girl; more of a teacher and guide. She focuses on her clients’ own strengths, concentrating on getting them to let go of the baggage and learn positive dating techniques that will allow them to find happiness and love. Her overall approach is helping confused singles see their relationships through clear eyes. She runs a successful blog and has added author to her credentials with her book, “Menu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course.”

“Fast-forward” dating can be another mistake for some singles. "For example, a woman will be on a first date with a guy and it’s the second course… and she’s already calculating ’Could he be an awesome dad?’ ’I wonder if he’ll want to go to my cousin’s wedding next year?’ While all that the man is thinking is, ‘Has she drank enough to come home with me?’ I believe that the guy is much more realistic at that moment, because you don’t even know each other,” she states.

Coopersmith further contends that the projection of this “fast-forward” fantasy can lead to dating disillusionment. “Fast-forwarding is why I believe women get so disappointed – they’ve already married the guy,” she concludes.

Sharing an excessive amount of personal details is another error Coopersmith feels single women are making. While she believes that it is important for a love interest to get to know the real you over time, sharing too much at the beginning of a relationship can sabotage its initial growth.

“Women can come off as crazy," she explains. "You don’t want to share that you go to a therapist every week. Therapy is great, I’m studying it, it’s awesome, but you don’t need to put that out there on the first date."

She suggests that daters should talk about the movies, music, or places they might like to travel – things that everyone can relate to. “You always want to come off as nice and light, no one wants a second date with someone with lots of baggage," she finishes.

Er du sikker på du er klar til en tur til Cougar Town?

Clarifying Questions for Dating Singles

After the divorce, when the time feels right to start dating again, there are a few things to keep in mind.

What is going on with another person is not always obvious on the surface. Imagine if you could gather information and therefore pay more attention to the depth of another person with some well-placed and well-intentioned questions as you get to know them.

It’s better to ask these questions silently at first -- and to just be observant. Watch your date’s meta-communication behaviors and body-language responses carefully, taking into account respiration, eye-contact and speech pattern. Try to hear and accept their words but verify with actions.

The first and third questions below are the biggies and contain a treasure trove of information in deciding if this is a relationship to pursue. The middle question is informational and more about potential compatibility in terms of daily routines.

The order in which these questions roll out is up to you. All three can be in play simultaneously. Are there too many red flags with any of these questions? If so, bow out as gracefully as possible while you can.

1.Foundational Questions: What is your relationship like with your mother, father and siblings? Chances are the answer is some mixture of a bittersweet work in progress. Even the best relationships require work. You need to hear what’s good as well as what’s getting better. What’s good and not so good in a person’s family of origin is likely to be mirrored in your dating relationship.

If you progress in dating, you will likely get to know the people in the answers to the question. That’s when you will be tested. What’s working out with one’s parents is only the start. There are also in-laws, and half- and step-children with whom you’ll have adult relationships.

2. Aggregate Questions: What are your rituals? What was the name of and last time that you read a book? How many hours a week do you work, watch sports or business news on television? What’s your faith practice? How about playing video or computer games and hanging out on the Internet? Do you watch or participate in porn? What are your hobbies? Where do you like to vacation?

3. Kicker Questions: Is there anyone else who thinks you are their significant other? A dear friend alerted me to this one. You would think that a person is on the market only if they are truly free, but this isn’t always the case in this age of ambivalence. The person who appears free may be in fact in an ambivalent relationship. Chances are they can’t tell you, but will show you and maybe tell you if you ask the right way.

With all of these questions, listen hard and watch closely for what is revealed and hidden. What is the other willing to tell you, if you can catch it?

How Important Is Physical Attraction In A Relationship?

Imagine you meet the guy or girl of your dreams. This person is funny, smart, likes the same things as you and is the biggest sweetheart ever. Only catch? They’re kind of lacking in the looks department. Do you let your lack of physical attraction ruin the relationship… Or does it not matter to you?

Basically, we’re asking: are looks important? Is physical attraction a huge part of a relationship, or is that just superficial? We saw this topic in the gURL.com message boards, and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Read what these girls had to say about looks in a relationship, and then let us know what you think.

silver44 said:

How important would you girls say physical attraction is in a relationship? I know a guy who wants to date me, and he’s perfect other than the fact that I’m just not physically attracted to him.

(L)iveYourLife replied and said:

I couldn’t date somebody who I wasn’t physically attracted to. Looks matter, and sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Keep looking and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t meet your standards!

luckybiatch replied and said:

It’s important and I do agree with the above gURLS, however when I first met my boyfriend, I wasn’t necessarily physically attracted to him. I believe girls, including me at the time, have standards higher held than girls in the past would, because of how media is portraying beauty. The more I got to know my boyfriend, the more physically attractive he became in my eyes. Not even a short while after beginning to date, I found him sexy and handsome (and his attractiveness just increases even to this day). So I believe even though you’re not physically attracted to this guy, I bet if you give it time, you might actually become more attracted. In my opinion, the personality of an individual makes them better looking. Looks can only last so long (we all age), but personality lasts a lifetime.

So what do we think? The fact is, no matter how shallow it sounds, physical attraction is important in a relationship. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t date someone unless they’re a male model… All it means is that you have to be a little attracted to the person in order for there to be sexual chemistry.

That being said, luckybiatch is exactly right when she said that the personality of a person makes them better looking. If a guy doesn’t look exactly how you want him to but his personality is amazing, you’re going to find him attractive no matter what. In the end, a relationship is about a strong emotional and physical attraction – with an emphasis on the emotional.

Does Age Matter?

I had a conversation with a friend over lunch in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s okay to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties.

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce, he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship.

Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Just because someone has the same life experiences as you, it doesn’t mean he/she has the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences -- and that can apply to how he treats sex and intimacy matters too.

After I dated Junior, I tested the waters by dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different Manimal species (including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only put into the category called “Excessive Talk about Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules”).

During this period I realized once again that despite sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” And when you’re not on the same page, entering an intimate relationship in the post-divorce stage can complicate things even more.

Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes and dislikes. It also creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, regardless of whether you want to have them as a romantic partner. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while due to divorce, it’s okay to play the field a bit as you “practice” dating -- but remember that “dating” and “intimacy” aren’t interchangeable.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he’s “really mature” or texts you at 11:30 p.m. asking, “Where you at?”

These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner.

It really is fun to realize you can attract younger men and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but it’s critical to recognize that its value is just that: a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew what I was looking for was a more holistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and someone who lived in Los Angeles. I’m now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than I am.

Of course there are times when I wonder if he’ll be attracted to me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles, or if it really does matter that I’ve let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I’m centered and come from a place of self-love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me: the good parts, the parts that are works in progress, and the woman who “looks good for 40-plus.”

Which brings me to the most important lesson of all: Instead of focusing on the number, determine your values, decide what you’re looking for in a partner, and then decide if the person matches your values, your maturity, and your vision for a partner. This is far more important than the digits on their driver’s license.

Proč byste neměli nechat zastrašit atraktivní ženy

Modern Dating, Decoded

I hate cuddling and I have a new dislike for Hallmark holidays such as Valentine’s Day and anniversaries. My new found hatred of these holidays can be rivaled only by the plague. Let’s just say I don’t do commitment right now. The most committal thing in my life is my dog. I had a hard enough time signing a phone contract last month.

Yeah, I sound like the 2012 post-modern woman. I don’t do attachment -- just a casual hook up with stellar “direct” communication. I’ll tell you exactly what I want and how I want it. I’ve got my own thing going and the last thing I want is the unspeakable “relationship” word to come up.

But I talk a big game and I don’t really know if I can back it up. I’m fresh out of a seven-year relationship. Although “relationship” really doesn’t capture what we had. I’d say life partner, but that doesn’t quite fit, either. For all intents and purposes, we were married. Had we decided to settle in another state, we would have been common-law wed. No rings, no proposals. But we shared a life together: a house, a dog, a motor vehicle. And coming from parents who divorced and remarried twice, this was a huge deal for me. I always said I would either never get married or never get divorced. So far, it looks like option one is my calling.

So, how do you transition into the dating scene after being off the market for so long? At 29, dating is a lot different than 21. Without the comfort of college where you meet new people daily and your stock options in the opposite sex change every quarter, you actually have to venture into new avenues for eligible bachelors.

In a post-online dating society where people are burned out on Match or e-Harmony and you are constantly inundated with social networking, I think single folks have lost the art of communicating in a less tech-savvy way. Vetting an interested party requires only the click of a mouse and stalking Facebook timelines.

Texting brings up a whole other host of insecurities. This informal mode of communication allows us to be impersonal and try to interpret what the other party is thinking or saying via a text message. What I like to refer to as a backdoor mode of communication has tested my confidence on multiple occasions to the point that a deadening 90-minute hot yoga class was the only thing that could get my mind off compulsively checking my phone.

It really sucks to wait for a text message from someone you’re not even supposed to like. And what do you do when you don’t get a response in the timeframe you feel you should? Do you casually bring it up in conversation, “So, I noticed you didn’t respond the other day.” Yeah, right. The desperation might as well be written on my forehead. But it’s so much easier to text than pick up the line -- so much less personal and the possibility of rejection doesn’t seem quite as bad because it’s simply characters on a large smart phone screen.

And when you actually do go on a date, how do you judge the social cues when your date’s phone is treated like a child? What does it mean when he discreetly checks for emails or text messages? Is the conversation bad? Are my boobs not big enough? Is there spinach in my front teeth?

While I think that being connected constantly can be a great thing, there are some serious drawbacks when you throw dating in the mix. Maybe it’s just that I grew up in an era when cell phones were the size of a large block of cheese and pagers were cool. “Hey, is that a pager on your hip, or are you just happy to see me?” And I’m not saying that I don’t embrace technology -- I now sport an iPhone, have a blog and even know how to hashtag on Twitter. It’s just that I question if we realize how much it impacts our lives, especially interpersonal relationships in the dating realm.

In order to avoid this world of confusion with the intersection of technology, dating and the unknown, I figured I’d stick to a “safe” candidate -- a specific man, a friend, who had recently gone through a breakup of his own. The man I chose was also someone who didn’t exactly fit into my “type” whatever that was; I lost track over the last decade. Let’s just say his extracurricular activities are not training for a half marathon, more like marathon of “Half Baked” and “Dude, Where’s my Car.” While we have a quasi-commitment with sexual fidelity, we don’t share any other intimacies. We drew up two important rules at the beginning of this affair: No sleepovers and no canoodling. The intention of this setup was supposed to help me be an empowered woman (of course I decided this purpose on my own accord, but he would be the lucky participant).

In this situation, I could initiate a rendezvous and I could kick him out afterward. I could also use him to re-establish my sexual prowess. I could explore things that I always dared to do in my old relationship but didn’t. And it was just casual. No relationship. No arguing over walking the dog or dirty dishes.

The established rules we set up a couple of months ago over a cup of coffee in the late afternoon on an unusually warm winter day have not been broken. But ironically, what I thought I wanted most out of him -- the security of being with a partner whom I trusted and felt comfortable with as I re-adjusted into the dating world, has changed. The things I thought I would miss the least (the snuggling, breakfast the next morning or the lazy nap you slip into after a nice afternoon delight) are precisely the things I realize I miss the most.

En kvinnlig vän

Online dating vs. Conventional Dating

BLOOMINGTON – Valentine’s Day might bring on some feelings of the need to have a romantic partner.

As computers become cheaper, smaller and more powerful, and the Internet grows and grows, a new generation of dating websites have emerged.

Illinois State University social psychology professor Susan Sprecher is co-author of “Online Dating: A Critical Analysis from the Perspective of Psychological Science.” She said the urge to find someone on Valentine’s Day comes from the media.

“People are primed to think about it because of media coverage, because of cards in stores and so forth,” Sprecher said. “So I do think that people who aren’t in a relationship around Valentine’s Day think about it more, and think about, ‘Should I be?’ or ‘Should I try harder?’”

Dating sites provide some combination of access, communication and matchmaking all in one place. Sprecher said there are some differences in the beginning of a relationship from online dating compared to the conventional way.

“The differences really occur in the beginning, the process is different and in terms to back to Valentine’s Day,” Sprecher said. “If someone thought they wanted to be in a relationship, having access to online dating makes it efficient.”

According to the article Sprecher co-authored, the first generation began with Match.com launched in 1995.

Sprecher said some of these sites may be leading users to believe in the concept of one soul mate that doesn’t exist.

“That can be somewhat dysfunctional because then if things go wrong in the relationship and you thought they were your soul mate, then you may end it right away, because you think you need to find your true soul mate when in fact relationships need work and there probably isn’t such a thing as a true soul mate,” she said.

Sprecher said the biggest demographic for online dating is generally middle-aged adults.

“It’s people who end up in regions of the country, work certain types of work or have other constraints like they have children, they can’t go to single bars at night or something, that might lead certain people to be more likely to use it because this is a way to look for partners,” she said.

Sprecher said with the overall traffic on sites like these, it may be overwhelming for the individual going through all the profiles.

“That can lead to a sense of being overwhelmed and than can lead to bad choices because you start to not be sure on what you should emphasize on and narrowing the pool further.”

Sprecher also said that even though convenient, online dating does have some downsides.

“One downside that it leads to a shopping mentality and that you treat people as some degree of a commodity and you get treated to some degree as a commodity at least at first and again, I don’t think this occurs when you decide this is a person you want to date,” she said.

Amanda Pigott contributed to this story.

Online Dating Makes And Breaks Relationships Study Finds

By Andrew Stern

(Reuters) - Half of American adults know someone who found love online, and while the Internet plays a more important role than before in starting relationships it is also a forum for cheating and lies that ends them, according to a survey released on Monday.

Released on the eve of Valentine’s Day, the survey of 1,000 people commissioned by marketing consultant Euro RSCG Worldwide found one in five said they have had a romantic or sexual relationship start online. Forty-nine percent knew someone whose relationship began that way.

Conversely, one-third of respondents surveyed earlier this month knew someone whose relationship ended because of online actions, and three-quarters believed strongly sexual communications conducted online outside of a relationship constituted cheating.

Online romance has evolved from the early days of flirting in a chat room or “cybersex” between strangers who had no intention of meeting in person.

“What people did online stayed online, for the most part,” Euro RSCG Chicago Group President Norm Yustin said. “Now our two worlds are blended, and the people we meet online and how we behave on social networks is affecting us at home and at work -- for good or bad.”

Deception is a constant online risk, and two university communications professors found in their research that 80 percent of the 78 profiles they sampled from matchmaking websites strayed from the truth to some extent.

The professors identified helpful clues as to who might be stretching, or shrinking, the truth about themselves: Liars tended to avoid the first-person pronoun “I” to distance themselves from their lies, they frequently employed negation such as “not boring” rather than “exciting,” and they kept their self-assessments brief.

“The less they write, the fewer untrue things they may have to remember and support later,” said Catalina Toma of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, who teamed with Jeffrey Hancock of Cornell University.

Weight was lied about most often, with women off by an average of 8.5 pounds (3.9 kg) and men by 1.5 pounds (0.7 kg). Half fudged their height and one in five lied about their age.

“Someday there may be software to tell you how likely it is that the cute person whose profile you’re looking at is lying to you, or even that someone is being deceptive in an e-mail,” Toma said. “But that may take a while.”

(Editing by Daniel Trotta)

Soul mate? I think not!

Call me crazy, but if it seems that her kids hate you, she lies and cheats, and you can’t get along, then she’s not your soul mate. But I digress.

Mark met Mary Catherine online. At the time, he was divorced for four years after 21 years of marriage and had just ended a relationship.

“To say I enjoyed dating would be an understatement. I liked meeting different women and would date two or three at the same time.”

But that all changed with Mary Catherine, “She was so refreshing, genuine and full of life. It was contagious.”

But after five weeks of dating, she broke up with him. Then, a few weeks later, her dog passed away and she called him.

“I came right over and we buried her dog in the garden and planted some flowers over him. That was the beginning of the most fantastic 18 months of my life. I had met my soul mate. I thought I knew what love was, but I was so off. Not to sound too corny, but she completed me. I laughed at that line in ‘Jerry Maguire,’ but with Mary Catherine, it made sense.”

After those “fantastic” 18 months, with the relationship at the point where they were talking about living together and maybe getting married, they had a fight.

“It was one of those fights that start out small over something stupid — it was my fault — then escalate. We should have been one of those old couples who walk down the street holding hands, instead we broke up.”

The fight started at a wedding. They’d both been drinking. They were on the dance floor. Mary Catherine told Mark to stay there with his friends while she went back to the bar.

“I took it as her telling me what to do. It simmered until we got back to our room, and then all hell broke loose. Everything she had been keeping inside came pouring out in not in a nice way. We left early the next morning and didn’t talk for the two hour ride home. I came back later that day to apologize, but the damage had been done.

“We went to dinner later that week to talk and it was very emotional. One of our big problems was my relationship, or lack thereof, with her children. She has four grown kids. Their father left them when the youngest was just a year, so they’re very close. Her two other marriages both ended in less than two years.

“Her kids hated both of those men, too. They’ve told her point blank that they’ll never be happy with her dating anyone. Even though they said they’d never seen her happier or better taken care of, they never warmed up to me.”

That dinner started a period of breaking up and getting back together. Mark started seeing a counselor. He lost 40 pounds and was an emotional wreck. He told Mary Catherine he loved her and wanted to be with her. She said she felt the same, then he found out she was back on a dating web site.

“We broke up again. I took her back again. This happened a few more times. I still love and miss her very much.”

Dating Online? Beware Of Spelling And Grammar Errors!

Dating may have become hi-tech, but romantic rituals remain much the same, says a new study. Like in traditional dating, online love birds are influenced by non-verbal cues like spelling errors, the number of exclamation marks and the use of grammar.

Zoe Hazelwood, psychologist at the Queensland University of Technology (QUT), who led the study, has found that traditional and online dating are, in fact, very similar.

For example, she found non-verbal communication was also just as important in online dating as it was in traditional dating, according to a QUT statement.

“Although online traditional non-verbal cues are not present, in our research we found people do judge potential partners on things aside from what they are saying,” she said.

“People form impressions online based on things like spelling errors, use of acronyms, amount of exclamation marks, use of grammar - things like that.

“They may not pursue a relationship with someone if they do not like their writing style, or feel they have poor spelling.”

Another habit that is present in traditional and online dating was the tendency to present ourselves as - just slightly - more interesting and interested than we actually are at the start of a relationship.

Online dating has also allowed an avenue for people young and old to reach out and find connections, said Hazelwood.

“One of the things I found pleasing was that online dating stretched across all age groups,” she said. “In our research, one of the participants was a 76-year-old female. She and her partner, who was the same age, met online and were getting married.”

Hazelwood’s research found that traditional daters and online daters had roughly the same relationship success rate - despite many people believing that online dating was not as likely to be as successful as traditional dating.

Uno su quattro coppie si incontrano online

Divorcees Find Love, Recommend Online Dating

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love, get married and live happily ever after.

In today’s world, the realities of your typical fairy-tale romance tend to be a bit more complex.

It can be hard to find Prince Charming, especially for someone who has other responsibilities like work, school and children, and for someone who doesn’t have the social structure to meet new people easily.

Sarah Clark, of Creve Coeur, Ill., knows this firsthand. The 42-year-old is twice divorced and the mother of two small children, 8-year-old Joshua and 6-year-old Lydia.

The bar scene isn’t really her thing, and she said meeting people at church can sometimes be like meeting people at work — if it doesn’t work out, you still have to interact with that person regularly, so it might be a better idea to avoid the situation to begin with.

But where does that leave today’s singles? Apparently, with technology.

More and more single men and women are turning to the Internet to help them find true love. In today’s world, it’s possible to trade the awkward pick-me-up lines for an in-depth survey that lets the computer decide who is compatible.

That’s how Clark met her fiance, 47-year-old Mark Parshall, using the matchmaking website eHarmony. Smiling and settling in to tell their story, the couple laughs about who will go first.

“He tells it so much better,” Clark said.

“They had a free online communication weekend with eHarmony,” said Parshall, who is also twice divorced and the father of two children, 17-year-old Coy and 15-year-old Sara.

“Sarah (Clark) put a thing on there that she wanted to communicate, so I responded back to her,” Parshall said.

The free communication weekend allows users to communicate with their computer-generated matches without paying membership fee. Both Clark and Parshall had been paying members of the site over the past few years — Parshall had just paid for a three-month membership when he met Clark.

“She already knew my age, that I lived in Chillicothe (Ill.), that I was divorced,” Parshall said. “It was Valentine’s weekend, and open communication was coming to an end, so Sarah said if you want to keep contacting me, here’s my email address. It wasn’t long after that we started talking on the telephone, and I would say within two weeks later we met at Red Lobster ... and then we’ve been dating for a little over a year.”

Clark also had an advantage in getting to know Parshall because of the extensive survey eHarmony users are required to fill out when they join.

“They do a really good job of screening out people that would not be a match or would not be a long-term, committed relationship,” Clark said. “The key to it is being honest with your answers.

“You have to decide between what you strongly like and need to have in a relationship versus what you dislike. Values stuff, sense of humor, communication, affectionate. To me, that is where it was at –– the fact that we were so similar in our likes and dislikes,” Clark said.

Clark had used a few other dating websites over the course of about three years and had even gone out with about six other men she met through eHarmony. Parshall had also used other sites, and he has been out with three or four other women.

“Some, you go, and they’re totally different than what they say they are,” Parhsall said. “I’d rather not even have a picture than to have somebody say they’re ‘this’ when they’re totally different. The big thing is you have to be honest with each other. If at the very beginning you can’t be honest with me, how am I ever going to trust you later?”

Both Clark and Parshall admit not everyone looking for love on the Internet has the same goal for a long-term, committed relationship.

“If you’re just looking to have fun, there are sites geared toward that. You just have to be honest,” Clark said.

They also both know people who have fallen victim to online scams. Although online dating may seem very modern, there are some parts of it that are the same as any kind of dating.

Using the communication tools on the website, couples are able to ask questions back and forth in a sort of interview process. There is also the ability to “close” the match, which — just as in dating without a computer — a person can do with or without explanation.

“It’s a human being on the other side of that coin,” Clark said. “What I’m saying is, if you want people to be considerate to you, how can you not be considerate to somebody else? I tried to be an adult about it, and if I wasn’t interested, I told them I wasn’t interested.”

“When we first met, I just wanted friendship because of my schooling,” Clark said of Parshall. “There was a lot of persuasion on his part.”

But Clark said she knew the relationship could go further when she realized she and Parshall share the same spiritual beliefs and he was interested in going to church with her.

The couple got engaged a year after they first met online and are planning to get married on Clark’s birthday, June 23, 2012.

Without the Internet, they both say they would be “just still looking” for true love, and they’d recommend anyone who is still looking to give online dating a try.

“I think the big thing is they have to know what they want, and they plan on being honest,” Parshall said. “If they aren’t honest, and they don’t know what they want, they might as well not even waste their time.”

Dating at Work?

It’s a common occurrence: co-workers who also date.

But are these relationships ill-advised? It depends on who you talk to.

Valley dating coach, Joann Cohen, has more than 20 years of prior experience in human relations and she says dating in the workplace is a double-edged sword - one that should be avoided when possible.

However, if you’re head over heels for someone in the workplace and you absolutely can’t imagine yourself not dating them, Cohen assures, “There’s hope,” and offers these tips:

Before dating a coworker

Check your employee handbook. Some companies have policies that prohibit dating relationships at work. Others allow peers to date, but forbid boss/subordinate relationships, so read the fine print. If they don’t specifically address interoffice dating, read your company’s sexual harassment policies. Don’t forget that there are written and unwritten expectations in every company. Do everything to ensure you’re handling yourself appropriately.

Remember: No is no. Before asking a coworker on a date, consider the chance that the answer may be no. If that’s the case, be polite, tell them to let you know if they change their mind and don’t continue to pursue the other person, which could be considered sexual harassment.

While dating a coworker

Communicate. Talk about each other’s expectations. Set ground rules. This will help determine how both of you should address and handle any problems or questions that may arise in the office regarding your relationship.

Be discreet. Even if you think you’re in love and want everyone to know it, don’t involve others. Agree to tell no one until you’re in an established, committed relationship.

Be professional. Avoid PDAs, flirtatious emails or calls, and even lunch at work. A good rule of thumb is to make sure you’re comfortable with having whatever you do on the front page of a newspaper.

Focus on work. Human resources and your supervisor will be watching to make sure your relationship is not affecting your work. So now is the best time to work hard and focus. You don’t want to give them a reason to let you go.

Points to remember

NEVER date someone who directly reports to you. It will make people question your judgment, and will cause others to accuse you of favoritism.

Office size matters. It is more appropriate, expected, and accepted for people to date in bigger offices, rather than smaller-sized offices.

People can be different on the job. Before you ask them out, talk to them more in-depth in a casual setting and get to know them. Make sure it’s someone you’d really like to go out with.

Be mature. If you reach a point of stability in your relationship, it’s okay to let people know. Talk to your supervisor first, however, to assure him/her that it won’t affect your job.

Don’t let work interfere with your relationship. Keep work and your private life as separate as possible. This eliminates possible clashing of the two, and leaves you with a healthy, functional relationship.

Nos conseils pour les hommes Looking for Love

Why Do The Fireworks Fade?

Why do some couples keep on having sex, but stop kissing and canoodling? It’s a funny phenomenon, the disappearing kiss, but not uncommon. Kissing shouldn’t be underestimated. Next to the genitalia, it has more nerve endings than any other part of the body. It is incredibly sensitive to touch and that is part of the appeal of kissing, along with all the passionate connotations we have with it. There are many different types of kisses, from the ‘nana-peck’ to nibbles to French to flirty. There are even books devoted to the art of kissing and the different kinds of kisses we can engage in. So with all that variety and pleasure, it’s rather sad when the kiss fades out of a relationship. It doesn’t always happen – many couples who have been together for decades upon decades still kiss as a symbol and experience of affection, as well as an initiation for sex, and a part of foreplay. But still many others lose kissing as part of their sexual encounters together and as a result, lose a lot of the passion they once shared together.

The kind of mechanical sex like “scratching an itch” that often befalls many couples over time, is essentially what I describe as maintenance sex” in a relationship. Long term relationships often survive with a heavy dose of maintenance sex and a lesser amount of “mind-blowing sex”, which is more often reserved for special occasions, or when you both have time to indulge in more passionate, time consuming, ‘gourmet of delights’ sex … and between work, stresses, and children, it’s not realistic for most couples to be running through the Kama Sutra every month. Maintenance sex doesn’t have to be all mechanical and no passion, however. It can feel very nice, orgasmic, pleasurable, be fun and romantic, certainly connect the two of you, but probably not knock your socks off. Birds probably won’t sing and the earth won’t move. But still, very pleasurable and certainly does the job.

However, once you have years of only maintenance sex without ever indulging in at least some mind-blowing special sex, then yes, the chances are high that your quality of even your maintenance sex will go down. And that’s when you find yourselves in a relationship that’s loving, but not hot. And in which really the only kissing you share is outside of a sexual or romantic context, such as saying goodbye at the front door, or at an airport. And soon enough, you’re scratching your head about how to re-introduce the passionate kiss with the one you love.

If this is you, don’t feel badly – it’s not that uncommon. And in fact there is often a lot of pressure, more so even, on couples who have been together the longest, because the assumption is you’ve been together so long that intimacy should be your second language between you, and you should be so fluent that you don’t have to, or need to, talk about, bedroom problems and you certainly shouldn’t feel shy about kissing – after so many years together! But it’s precisely this pressure which makes that gulf wider between you, and the attempt to initiate something which has disappeared from your relationship so long ago, that much more awkward and difficult.

Re-introduce the passionate kiss as you would share a first kiss with someone new, or when you were with your partner for the first time. Slowly. Romance together first. Prioritise the relationship between you and decide you’re going to spend time together as a couple. Work on touching more, cuddling, being affectionate, increase the number of little pecks you give each other, or at least you give her. Work your way up to kissing again and the next time you have sex together that isn’t rushed because one of you has to leave for work, or you’re tired and want to sleep, or you’re trying to squeeze a quickie in before the kids wake up and might hear, lay a deep kiss on your lovee! And keep on smooching, and tell them how much you love it. Positive praise will be met with more positive reception and soon enough kissing will be in your love life again – this time to stay.

Does Age Matter?

Dating an older man or woman certainly has its advantages. Often, someone older is more experienced, looking for fun, further along in life, more mature, or more stable. You might be thinking, “Yes! Finally, someone who is ready for the relationship I want and/or at my level.” But, are you sweet enough for a Sugar Daddy or courageous enough for a Cougar?

Cougar Time

According to an article on WebMD.com, older women may be on the prowl for a young stallion around the college age because of the difference in sexual peaks of men and women. A woman’s sexual prime is in her 30s—while men in their 30s are already on the decline. A man in his early twenties is the perfect match.

While the sexual chemistry is right, the Cougar may be leaving the den for more than just that one reason. Dating someone younger can make women feel younger. In an anecdotal recount about being a Cougar, women talk about dating younger men. Dating younger men allows women to be fearless flirters like they were in their teens and twenties.

Dating younger men allows women to be appreciated once again for their sex appeal, rather than their mom-appeal. Recall Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate, or Kim from “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” for example.Younger men, around college age, have a different set of priorities than those contemporary to the 30-plus crowd. Sex and fun seem to be the main priorities for the older woman, as they are not ready to settle into (or want to break from) the stagnant lifestyle of a husband and kids.

Establishing a real relationship with a Cougar could be difficult. If you are looking for long-term relationships and want a family to provide for later, you are in the wrong dating scene. If you are looking for a challenge, you are in the right game. Have fun and embrace the relationship as it is. You could learn a lot from the experienced and confident woman.

There is no age limit on fun, but always be aware of the rare chance the relationship could turn into more. Society casts women dating younger men negatively, so be ready for lots of scrutiny from your family and friends.

Sweet Sugar Daddies

Dating older men differs completely from Cougars. The familiar scenario in Hollywood is: a very young girl dating a very old man for his money or for fame. Each time I happen to watch the recent season of “The Girls Next Door,” I can’t help but label the girls as fame-whores, who are definitely not in the relationship for love.

But, I would say that the above scenario is the exception. Most college-age women who end up with older men are not looking for fortune or fame but for a real relationship with a man who is ready to commit.

Older men are more confident than younger guys. After being in several relationships over the years, and some who have even been through a divorce, they are tired of the dating game. They are upfront about their feelings, more approachable about serious relationship topics and perhaps even more willing to work through problems.

These attributes are refreshing to a woman who has suffered her dating peers and is ready for a relationship longer than a one night stand from the bar and maybe a couple of dates after. Older men offer security because of their experience.

When it comes to a relationship with an older man, age does prove a bit more important. Ten to 15 years is the maximum a relationship could really work when you are young. Consider if you are 20, he is 35. When you are 25, he is 40. Also, if you are seeking children in the relationship, the older the man, the less chance he may be willing to have children—or he might have some already! But, the older you get, the less age begins to matter, I believe, and it more what you share in common.

H?�chy Online Dating

Sometimes, Distance In Dating Is For The Best

By Cheryl Rogers

Today, I share my best dating tip for someone who is newly divorced. Consider the advantages of a long-distance relationship.

I believe people who say they came through a divorce unscathed are fooling themselves. Divorce is difficult, and it ought to be. You’re giving up on something you vowed would last until death. If you take marriage seriously, then ending one should give you pause.

Sometimes divorce is the best decision. While nothing revives beaten self-esteem like meeting someone new who thinks you’re wonderful, it’s good to go slow. A friend of mine, a family therapist, advised, “Take your time until you’re sure you’re ready. Then wait a little longer. Then proceed with caution.”

Hence, my endorsement of a long-distance relationship. Getting to know people via e-mail, instant messaging, phone or text takes time. While you’re getting to know them, they’re not under foot. You have the much-needed time and space to settle into your new life, to find your own way.

The distance prevents you from repeating past mistakes before you have a chance to learn from them.

After my divorce, I had no intention of messing up my life with a guy again. Then I impulsively went to a high school class reunion — and met someone. Years before, we’d graduated in the same class with 450 other students. We weren’t even on each other’s radar back then. At the reunion, we swapped e-mail addresses. Then I returned to Michigan, and he returned to Kyrgyzstan.

Kyrgyzstan is a country in central Asia, bordering Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan. Contrary to what you learned of the area from Borat, it does have Internet access. We got to know each other through e-mail, navigating a 10-hour time difference. A slow process, certainly. Yet a sensible pace for me at that time.

That was more than two years ago. Since then, Mike’s moved to Afghanistan, where he works for a defense contractor on a NATO base in Kabul. We can now instant-message, but base technology doesn’t lend itself well to Skype or webcam use.

Dating isn’t typical. No normal Saturday dinner and a movie for us. In two years, we’ve had only five dates. Still, they were really good dates. I needed my passport for three of them.

There was a time my single friends and I would negatively describe a potential date as GUD — Geographically Undesirable. Sure, a long-distance relationship won’t work forever. If someone is willing to change his life — for example, move out of a war zone — it has potential.

However, after a toxic one, relationship speed bumps aren’t necessarily bad.

Thank you to Janet Carr, director of religious education for Community Unitarian Universalist Church in Brighton. Carr told me that this today, at the 10:30 a.m. service, congregation members will donate mittens to a mitten tree, then they’ll be given to us at the Livingston County Daily Press & Argus.

We will pass them on to needy Livingston County children whose families are assisted through the Empty Stocking Fund.

We are still accepting donations to this worthy cause. The Empty Stocking Fund uses your contributions to purchase gift cards for needy local families, who will use the gift cards as they wish.

Don’t worry that your donation may be small. Every dollar adds up to make a difference. There are no administrative expenses associated with the fund; this newspaper covers them.

Send your contribution to the Empty Stocking Fund at the Daily Press & Argus, 323 E. Grand River Ave., Howell, MI 48843.

We will run a thank-you ad in our newspaper during the holidays, so please let us know how you would like your name to appear.

Thank you for your consideration.