How To Attract Women After Divorce

By Kimberly Seltzer

Dating after divorce can seem overwhelming. It may have been a decade or more since you’ve been “out there,” and you may feel confused or downright clueless about how to get your game back to attract new women into your world. Though you may feel nervous at first, you may find that it is even easier than before because you are now older, wiser and closer to knowing what you want. You just need a few tools to use to attract that perfect woman.

Overall, the secret to attracting anyone in your life is feeling good about yourself and projecting it outward. Here are answers to some commonly asked dating questions:

What should I wear on a date?

If a man is wearing something he feels good in, he is going to come across as a confident, successful alpha man, which is what women like. Wear clothes that are:

• Updated, stylish, comfortable and that fit your body well

• Those you wish you could wear every day

• Age and occasion appropriate

• Really express your personality

• Clean, well pressed and in good condition

• Colors that flatter your skin tone

• Polished, updated shoes

• Quality fabrics that don’t cling, pucker or pull

You may want to find a stylist or a savvy female friend to help guide you.

What about hygiene?

Grooming is extremely important, as women really pay attention to this. Your ex-wife might have forgiven the over-grown and unruly hairs but it is not so appealing to a new prospective mate. Make sure your facial hair is neatly groomed, your hair is styled, your nails are short and your skin looks nice. It helps if you smell nice too. Don’t pour the bottle of cologne on or you’ll suffocate her. Instead, you should smell fresh and clean with maybe a dab of tasteful cologne. Women like men who take care of themselves.

How should I approach women?

Most men feel uncomfortable when first approaching an attractive woman. This usually stems from being nervous about saying the wrong thing and fear of rejection. Get out of your head. Just be in the moment and talk with her. Don’t just talk about yourself. Ask questions about her life. One common mistake is trying too hard and being very serious when talking with women. It can almost feel more like an interview with memorized canned questions rather than an easy conversation. Be more playful and mix it up a bit to enjoy the new you and you’ll see how easy it is to create attraction. Most women love when you give them attention, especially if you say things in an authentic way. The truth of the matter is that your “dating muscle” is atrophied after not using it for a while, so you have to exercise it and get it back in action. One way to do this is to get comfortable approaching everyone when you are out and about. Approach at least three people (both men and women) a day during your daily routine. Give compliments to people you meet. Women love when you notice something about them. After doing several approaches a day, it will get a lot easier and feel more natural.

How can I build a new social circle?

It is true that you did a lot of “married” activities with your ex-wife as a couple. Often your friends change as you step into the single world. Not only do you do things solo, but different activities may interest you now. The most important thing is to find other single friends you can do things with. It will open up your world and create new possibilities for meeting women. Explore several avenues by getting involved in networking groups, single events, outdoor group gatherings, regular trips to the gym and more. If you are having a difficult time knowing what to get involved in, think about three skills or hobbies you have or want to learn more about and research groups that relate to them. Discover what makes you tick and you’ll build your social circle with other like-minded singles.

How can I overcome the divorce stigma?

Men often think they are painted with a scarlet letter once they are divorced. Actually, many women say that they prefer a divorced man because they like the fact that he has been in a long term relationship before and knows how to share with a partner. Marriage teaches you how to compromise, how to be more giving and how to understand women’s needs. Just because you are divorced doesn’t mean you have some sort of disease. Remember, over 50 percent of the population is in the same boat, so you are not alone. Instead, own who you are and enjoy your newfound freedom. This is your time to start over, enjoy yourself and have fun.

Although starting over can be intimidating and a little scary, it can actually be freeing and exciting as you embark upon a new adventure. This is your chance to explore the world and meet various women. By doing this, you’ll discover who you are separate from the woman you were with for many years and find out what you would like and need in a future relationship. Remember, the dating road is not a dead end; it’s an avenue to an exhilarating new journey.

Verkkosivujen keskittyi miten houkutella Girl

Dating Doggy Style

By Kelley Whitis

I’ve always found the whole dating scenario to be a bit pretentious. We all put on our mask and present our best image on the proverbial first date. After a few more dates, calls, texts and maybe some intimacy, the person behind the mask emerges, and in the blink of any eye, the romance dies. This person suddenly is nowhere near the person we first met.

What if instead of pretending to be someone we’re not, we not only take these masks off, we throw them away, take a lesson from our trusty friend Fido and just date doggy style? Don’t get too excited here, I’m not talking bedroom positions.

At least not yet.

I’m writing this as I watch my two dogs run around and play in my friend’s backyard, making friends with all the neighborhood pups. It’s a Doggy Disneyland here, and they are eager to run around and make new friends, checking each other out, sniffing butts. If they like what they see and smell they’ll romp around the yard together -- running, jumping, snorting, yelping, nipping, slobber-swapping, rejoicing and cavorting. Just being who they truly are and having an honest, real connection with another animal.

So if that’s the whole point of dating and relationships -- to be yourself, find someone you want to romp around in a field with, have a connection to and just have fun -- here are five tips we can take from Fido:

1. The Butt Sniff Test

I’m not suggesting we go around sniffing butts here. Simply put, just be yourself. No pretending. No masks. No projected images. Just. Be. You. You’ll be amazed who comes into your life once you begin to show your authentic self.

2. Game Playing

Games are good. Dog games, not people games. The difference between dogs and humans is that dogs don’t let their ego rule their actions. We get caught up in the fear, the wondering and the jealousy and let our ego play out little games to get a desired action. Not good games to play. Dogs like to run, chase squirrels, catch balls and jump over hurdles. These are good games. Remember the difference and engage in good game playing only.

3. Bark What You Mean and Mean What You Bark

As humans, we often say things we think the other person wants to hear. This is probably one of the simplest tips, yet one of the easiest to stray from. Dogs will growl if they don’t like something, whine if they’re hurt and bark if they’re happy, hungry or need to go potty. They are very explicit and impeccable with their communication. Once we learn to do the same, we’ll find there is less confusion and miscommunication in all of our relationships.

4. Live in the Moment

Without realizing it, we can eagerly look towards the future, or we can let our past determine our present by staying stuck with old behaviors or mistakes. Dogs do neither. They live for right now. In the moment. Giving it everything they’ve got. Full-steam ahead. When we put our full attention on what is happening right at this very moment, we’ll find we have better relationships, we work better, rest easier and play harder.

5. Take the Leash Off

Dogs spend so much of their time being on leash -- acting the way we want them to act. Once off leash, the dog’s personality really comes to life. We see so many rules for dating -- do this, don’t do that, wait for this -- the bottom line is we are individuals and there is no generic rule book that will ever give us all the answers. So take your leash off. Stop acting like everyone says you are supposed to act, don’t expect to get desired results after reading dating how-to books and listen instead to your inner voice and see what resonates with you. When all else fails, refer to tip #1.

Indonesian Women Take Dating Into Their Own Hands

In the past, women were expected to wait around for a man to choose them. But that image of the princess sighing out the window of the tallest tower no longer applies in Indonesia. Educated Indonesian women know what they want, and with the help of modern technology they are going out to get it.

Armed with a list of characteristics that they look for in a partner, more women are signing up to online dating sites to find their very own Prince Charming, with varying degrees of success.

We talk confidentially to three women about their experiences with Internet matchmaking and the factors they think can make or break a relationship.

Via, college student

Via looks for three things in a man: proximity, piety and a proposal. Better still if he’s a fan of Japanese cartoons and comics.

The 24-year-old college student began her search for love online when she was browsing a site for fans of all things Japan. She noticed a column advertising a dating service, and decided to click through and join.

“I thought, who knows? I may even find someone who likes Japan as much as I do and we can have our honeymoon there,” she said.

Via gave her real name and a link to her website. She tried to be as honest as possible about herself, because she was looking for a husband, not a boyfriend.

“If I date someone, it’s with the intention of getting married,” she said. “I want that to be clear. In the past, I have ended relationships with guys who aren’t clear about whether they want to get married.”

She is also upfront with her prospective partners about the importance of having the same religion.

“For me, religion is always No. 1,” she said. “And I don’t mean just as something on their identity card. I want them to really understand the teachings they follow.”

Via believes that differences in background are complicated enough without throwing in a difference of religion. She wants to find a Muslim husband with the same values as her, so they can build a life together.

But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t broken her own rules in the past.

Via once developed an online relationship with a hotel owner from India. Once they got chatting, the pair found they actually had a lot in common, despite their distance.

The more they chatted, the closer they felt to one another, until finally the man said he wanted to come to Jakarta to meet her.

Via said that was fine, so long as he wanted to get married and stay with her in Indonesia. She was afraid to go with him to India, where she had no friends or family and couldn’t speak the language.

“He was really broken,” she said. “He cried and said he couldn’t believe it. He was angry with me. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to do, because that was the reality.”

After that, they stopped chatting and Via avoided going online. But her search continues for a husband closer to home.

“My parents told me that a difference of culture within Indonesia is difficult enough, let alone trying to find someone overseas,” she said.

Ajeng, public relations officer

After her best friend married a man she met online, Ajeng thought she might give it a go, too.

The 30-year-old public relations officer set up a profile on indonesiancupid.com and started searching for men in the age range of 30 to 40, preferring those with a good-looking profile picture and a steady job.

She tried to be honest about herself in her profile, disclosing that she enjoys the occasional drink and cigarette, but didn’t give her real name.

“I think if you met a guy on there, you would expect that he would do the same,” she said.

Ajeng would like to find someone to start a relationship with, but is also happy to just get to know someone and see how things go. Some of the people she has met online have turned out to be lasting friends. But some have turned out to be more than friends, too.

“There’s this one guy I really like, he lives in Pakistan,” she said. “He really caught my eye among the other profile pictures, so I clicked the heart icon to show interest. About a week later, he sent a message to me and we started e-mailing back and forth.”

Ajeng ended up chatting to the guy on a regular basis before they decided to “meet” over video chat.

“I felt so excited, but a little bit worried. I wondered if he really looked as handsome as he did in the picture,” she said.

When the video connection was up and running, Ajeng was impressed by what she saw — until he started to smile. The first thing she noticed was that he had a front tooth missing.

“I told my friends, ‘He’s so hot ... but toothless!’ and they burst out laughing,” she said.

But Ajeng didn’t let a small detail like that get in the way. The pair have already made plans to meet up in Jakarta next month.

“I think he’s a really nice guy, and maybe I shouldn’t judge him by his looks,” she said.

The only trouble is, in some of their conversations, Ajeng herself feels like she is being judged.

“He told me he doesn’t like girls who smoke or drink. He said it turned him off,” she said. “It sounds like he’s the one who’s judging without noticing that on my profile, it’s clearly shown that I do those things.

“For now, I’m just going to consider him a friend,” she added.

Pradnya, professional writer

When Pradnya signs up to online dating services, her first mission is to sort the straight-talkers from the scammers.

The 35-year-old writer is selective about who she opens up to, and keeps only a small number of people on her chat list.

Pradnya has profiles on Oasis.com and AsianEuro.com, a site that promises to help “Asian singles find their true love” and Europeans find “the Asian woman of their dreams.” But so far, what she has mostly found is friendship.

“Out of like 10 guys — all of whom were overseas — that I ever chatted with, I finally met two of them in person. We never started a relationship, as we didn’t feel fit for each other as time went by, but we remain very good friends until now, and it’s been years,” she said.

Pradnya uses an alias online, though she will often reveal her real name after chatting for some time. Chatting is really what she is looking for: She writes on her profile that she wants to meet “someone who is real, honest and whom I can feel comfortable being around.”

Religion is not an issue for her, and neither is location.

When she was assigned to write a story overseas in the city where one of her online friends lived, she met up with him while she was there.

“Both of us felt as if we had known each other for a long time when we first met,” she said. “That is quite normal when you are communicating with someone online, as you feel that you can tell them everything and are somehow very open with them.”

But the friendship never became anything more than that.

“As we spent time together we realized that we wouldn’t be good in a relationship, but we would be very good friends,” she said.

Pradnya does not feel disappointed that none of her encounters turned into love stories.

“A lot of people may think the online dating concept is ridiculous, but I’ve tried it myself and I think it’s just fine,” she said. “Yes, there are scammers, or people who are not real out there, but there are people who are sincere, too.”

Dating After Brain Surgery

When a sudden brain bleed left her with facial paralysis and disability, Louise Krug wondered if she’d ever be able to find a boyfriend again ...

After a bleed in my brain rendered me with sudden disability and facial paralysis at the age of 22, perhaps I should have found it troubling that my biggest concern was how I would find a boyfriend. Relearning how to walk, dress myself and drive - sure, that was important, but I thought the key to feeling “normal” was being desirable romantically.

Going from not having to think about finding a boyfriend to wondering who would want me was painful. I began looking for someone while I still walked with a cane, the shaved part of my scalp was still growing back, and I had tape over one lens of my glasses to correct my double vision. Small wonder it was tough.

Before my brain surgery, I’d always had a boyfriend. In college I dated the different stereotypes: the fraternity boy, the guitar-playing hipster, the future politician, the left-wing activist - I even had the ill-advised fling with a teacher. Eventually, I got serious with a fellow aspiring journalist and we moved out to California after graduation to start our careers, but after the operations we broke up.

After recovering from the surgery for a summer I was well enough to move out of my parents’ house and into an apartment. Everyone became a possibility. I wasn’t picky. That guy who just lit my cigarette? Was he flirting? What about the bag boy at the grocery store? Didn’t he linger at my car?

I tried to make sure my jeans covered the tops of my orthopedic shoes, and went through phases of trying to distract people from my taped glasses and paralysed face with dangly earrings and interesting necklaces. I practised smiling in the mirror in a way that my face would look most symmetrical, which meant I smiled very slightly.

My first plan was to look up an old college love. We had had lots of fun - impromptu road trips! Drinking at dive bars! Music festivals that stretched on for weekends! He had once said that walking down the street with me felt like being with a movie star. He would know I was still the same person even though I looked different. But after a few uncomfortable outings throwing myself at him, it was clear it wasn’t going to happen. “I’m sorry,” he said one night. “But no.”

My friends were supportive of my goal, and I used their shoulders to lean on after nights in bars when I’d had too many beers. Someone with balance issues shouldn’t drink as much as I did, but alcohol was one of the only tools I had that made me brave enough to try and flirt.

Inevitably, there was the point when the guy I was hitting it off with would ask about my taped glasses, or why I used the wall for balance when I walked. When the phrase “brain surgery” came up he would back away ever so slightly, and would soon be gone.

My next serious attempt began with a guy I call Hat Guy, because he always wore a baseball cap to cover up his premature baldness. Our relationship evolved like most - we talked late into the night and met each other’s friends - but what wasn’t normal was the ever-present voice in my head that wondered why Hat Guy liked me. I was looking for some reason he was with me instead of with a “normal” girl. Did he just feel sorry for me?

He always insisted that I made too big of a deal out of my disabilities and differences. He couldn’t admit that although I had difficulties, he was OK with that; rather, he pretended they didn’t exist. He even tried to get me to go skateboarding with him ... I ended up breaking up with him because he was flaky. He often called late, sometimes not at all, and broke plans at the last minute. Hat Guy helped me realize that, although I did want a romantic partner, I wasn’t as willing to settle as I thought.

Eventually I met the man who is now my husband. We met at a party while I was still desperately trying to get my old college boyfriend to notice me. I was out on the steps of a crappy apartment building, wobbly because of the beer, and he took my arm.

We got to know each other through email, sending each other links to funny websites at first, then talking about our lives and forming a real friendship. We had the same wide circle of friends, and saw each other once or twice a week for months before we kissed. That’s what made our relationship different. Unlike my other attempts at romance after brain surgery, I didn’t rush things with him. I didn’t try to attach myself to him just for the sake of having a mate.

My husband accepts how I feel about my situation - my anger, my sadness, my wonder - and he treats me better than I treat myself. Isn’t that what we all need? As I was getting to know him, I learned about some trials he’d been through in his own life and got some perspective, something I desperately needed.

I started to realise that even though it often doesn’t show on the outside, we all have experiences in our lives that damage us and threaten to hold us back. Mine just happen to be visible.

Any Website Can Be a Dating Site

(CNN) -- Recently, a reader dropped the following query into our inbox:

“This may be a stupid question, but recently a friend told me he’s heard of people using Facebook as a dating service. My FB friends and I (admittedly middle-aged) can’t figure out how you “meet” people on Facebook. I (and most of my friends) are FB friends with people we actually know. How would one use Facebook as a dating site?”

- Flummoxed by Facebook Flirting

Oh, Flummoxed! There are no stupid questions -- only painfully, painfully stupid people. But I digress.... .

Social media flirting is a phenom that has been around since the message board/chatroom days, when starry-eyed 13-year-olds and rheumy-eyed 61-year-olds traded “A/S/L?"s with optimistic abandon.

A quick survey of my social followers -- on Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and Instagram -- revealed that, among my socially savvy circle of folks, people have dated/married suitors they met on MySpace, Facebook, Tumblr, Foursquare, MyYearBook, Yahoo Messenger and Usenet, to name a few.

In fact, this past week, the story of how one couple met on Words With Friends swept the blogosphere: Megan Lawless and Jasper Jasperse started playing the smartphone-based word game and were pitted against each other randomly. After talking via the game’s “Chat” feature and later communicating on Skype and e-mail, the pair met in person, and, eventually married -- Jasperse moving from his native Netherlands to Chicago to be with his bride.

While all of this may seem weird/creepy/slightly sad to anyone who didn’t grow up a digital native, consider this: Americans now spend about a quarter of their online time using social networks. If you’re giving your monitor the old glassy eyeball instead of tipping back highballs at your local TV-plastered sports bar, that’s likely where you’re going to make connections.

However, the actual process of meeting people via social media is still rather, well, creepy. (Less creepy than back in the days of message boards and AOL chatrooms, but creepy all the same.)

Assuming that you are not, in fact, a weirdo who collects spleens (we give you guys so much leeway on this factor), here are some tips on how to make any social media site a dating site without being a creep.

Don’t:

Compliment incessantly: You know that dude who staggers up to you at the bar, breathes whiskey into your face and murmurs, “Hey lady, you got mad cleavage, yo.” He’s creepy, right? He’s even kind of creepy when he goes a less aggressive route and compliments something benign, like your eyes ("You have lovely orbs... May I have them?”). Why? Because he’s stating his intentions off the bat, and our society -- addled by years and years of romantic comedy-viewage -- prefers a bit of a chase.

When engaging with people via social media, talking about their appearance/demeanor/eyeballs is even more unsettling than at the bar, because you don’t know the person in question and you can’t see their face in the flesh. Instead of going directly for flattery, start up a conversation with the object of your desire, thereby charming them with your wit and whimsy rather than empty poesy (or straight-up sexual harassment).

Come to think of it, that’s probably good advice for comporting yourself at ye olde sports bar as well.

Repeat yourself: If your hoped-for intended doesn’t reply to the first five tweets you send him about your shared love of fossils and tesseracts, cease and desist with your wooing. He doesn’t like you. Here’s a tissue.

Erase your face: No one wants to date a picture of a donut. When choosing your avatar, make sure to show your face, or, at the very least, link to a website featuring a picture of your mug. If you’re sensitive about your big-ass nose or your shiny head, just chill out. Ugly people get married, too -- I see their progeny on the subway daily.

Exhibit your courtship: Some initial public bantering is fine -- via Twitter, Facebook Walls, etc -- but if you carry on your heavy flirting ("OMG! I love the shape of your broken nose! You look like a matador!”) in a public forum, you risk annoying your friends and followers or, worse, embarrassing your potential date -- especially if you ask out said potential date publicly.

Have we learned nothing from that dude who asked that girl to marry him on the JumboTron? Twitter allows you to DM people, Facebook boasts private messages and even Tumblr has an internal messaging service called Fan Mail now -- there’s no excuse for blithely PDA’ing the hell out of your swain.

Play phantom: We’re assuming that you actually want to meet the object of your late-night Google stalking, so when it comes to digital flirting -- bring it offline ASAP. We’re also assuming that said person wants to meet you (we’re trusting you again here, guys -- hopefully you possess the social skills to recognize interest, unlike that aforementioned dude in the sports bar).

So why not ask them to hang in person? Or, better yet, in the presence of tons and tons of friends who can waylay a possible kidnapping/murder scenario.

Dating In The Fast Lane

Ola Zdzarska is busy preparing for her monthly speed-dating event in a bar located in Beijing’s entertainment hotspot of Sanlitun.

Twenty people from different countries and regions turn up to participate in 10 rounds of one-on-one conversations that last seven minutes. When time is up, the men exchange seats until each person has 10 mini-dates.

“I can tell whether there are sparks between the two talking people, and also who is bored,” says Zdzarska, looking at the 10 couples involved in intimate conversations.

Originally from Poland, the Beijing resident considers organizing speed-dating events over the past five years more as a hobby.

“I do speed-dating events once a month, and each time, more than 100 people sign up for this event,” she says. She reads through the applications and handpicks 20 or 30 people who she thinks will pair well together.

Zdzarska’s Fishbowl Events has become well-known not only among foreigners and Chinese twentysomethings in Beijing, but it has also attracted a Chinese online dating company.

Zdzarska, who is also a freelance journalist, reveals that one of China’s largest matchmaking websites, refusing to reveal which one, has approached her to talk about working together on a future project.

The company wants her to take charge of a speed-dating platform, using their Chinese clients and her expatriate sources under the Fishbowl name. But Zdzarska says she is still thinking about the opportunity because she doesn’t plan on expanding any time soon.

“I am glad that my work has been recognized by them, but Fishbowl Events is much more like my personal hobby, and I am not making money out of it anyway,” she says.

Her best friend, Allison Johnson, is also her business partner. But with Johnson away in the United States, all the event planning has been left to Zdzarska. She picks venues, selects the drinks and food, and personally answers e-mails from every candidate.

“Normally, there is first come, first serve rule. But I exchange e-mails with them (candidates) and get the basic information first to decide which ones should be selected,” she says.

She says a Chinese man once signed up for a speed-dating event, and through e-mail he expressed his desire to find an American girlfriend.

“American girl is a very broad range, and there could be Chinese-Americans, African-Americans, Korean-Americans and so on. So I asked him for specific criteria, and he answered that any American girl will do. Then I started to doubt whether he was really looking for an American girl or merely an American visa. I put him on the blacklist,” she says.

Zdzarska says apart from intention and English fluency, nationality and age are the two major concerns for her when choosing the right participants.

“I always try to balance the nationalities of the participants, so that there won’t be too many people with the same background that will bore others. And I always like to surprise the participants,” she says.

For the event in December, three of the 10 females were from the Chinese mainland, two from Taiwan, two from the US, two from the United Kingdom and one from Russia.

“Except for one man who is already 50, the participants this time are between 25 and 35, so that they have more common interests and topics,” she says.

Zdzarska says the Chinese speed-dating culture has been changing over the years, and the participants are becoming younger.

“Two years ago, the Chinese women who participated in Fishbowl Events were normally in their early 30s and were really looking for a serious relationship. But I see nowadays more younger Chinese women, between 25 and 28, signing up for the events just to meet friends,” she says.

Zhu Wenjing has worked as program manager at a multinational company in Beijing since September 2010. It was her first time to take part in speed-dating.

“Before I came to Beijing, I was abroad for many years, and I am used to the Western practice of making friends. Then I noticed the Fishbowl Events in Time Out Beijing magazine and decided to come,” she says.

Zhu says she is not looking for a serious relationship, but for new friends from different backgrounds.

Zdzarska says apart from Chinese women, Chinese men are also becoming more enthusiastic about taking part in speed-dating events with foreign women.

“The Chinese men coming to the events are normally between the ages of 25 and 40, and most of them used to live abroad or are American-born Chinese. But still, there are also Chinese guys who have never been abroad and come here looking for a wife,” Zdzarska says.

She says she sees an increase of courage and openness among Chinese men in recent years.

“Two to three years ago, most of my friends who have been involved in Sino-foreign relationships are Chinese women and foreign men,” she says.

But now, the situation is changing, and Chinese men now account for 40 percent of total registration at Fishbowl Events, Zdzarska says.

Different from some Chinese men’s direct intention of looking for a wife through speed-dating events, foreign men, on the other hand, consider the event a way to broaden their circle of friends.

Nad Chishitie is a UK-native web designer in Beijing who has taken part in two Fishbowl speed-dating events.

“I have never done anything like this back in the UK, because people there think this would be very embarrassing. But now, I think it’s a cool way to spend 150 yuan ($24, 18 euros), have a glass of wine and talk with 10 totally different females on a Sunday night,” he says.

Zdzarska hands out cards for participants to rate their mini-dates: “Let’s date”, “Coffee first then date”, “Stay friends” and “Not a match”. Within a few days, she sends e-mails letting the attendees know whether they have matches. If so, e-mail addresses are exchanged and it’s up to the participants to pursue a relationship.

Single And Dating In My 40s

By Ele Pawelski

Single and 40, I moved back to Toronto after a decade of working on human-rights projects in developing countries. I was ready to settle down and find a soulmate, preferably one who liked to travel and could locate Afghanistan on a map.

Dating in my 40s was not going to be like dating in my 20s. I was wiser, more confident and knew myself better. On the flip side, the unromantic conditions of my overseas life had caused severe loss of dating know-how.

“What’s dating again?” I quizzed friends.

Right, a leisurely activity where you chat with someone over a drink or a meal to discern whether an intimate long-term relationship is possible. Conversation should be relaxed and flow without awkward silences. If you find the person attractive, interesting and fun, you arrange to meet again. I could do this.

My reintroduction to dating in Toronto was set to happen at a hip downtown bar with a couple of friends. I donned a pair of jeans, a stylish top, some lipstick. Memories of university romances danced in my head as I practised flirting in the mirror while holding a glass of wine. This became known as Plan A.

OMG. Not only were all the patrons under 30, but the women were dressed in sexy outfits I would never wear. Predictably, no one noticed us except the bartender. While we were discussing our next move, music suddenly started blaring so loudly it killed the conversation. We bailed. Our trio of not-wanting-to-be-cougars raced back to my place and my stockpile of red wine. It was 10 p.m.

Plan B: Sign up for an evening of speed dating.

Three-minute conversations are incredibly short. Once you’ve found out each other’s professions and hobbies, likes and dislikes, it’s already time to move on. There’s barely enough time to jot down a name, let alone envision holding hands on a moonlit beach. At the end of the evening, the faces and conversations blurred together; not a single guy stood out as someone to see again.

Plan C: Meet a guy at a class or a sports league. Meeting men through mutual friends was no longer possible, as none knew any single and dateable guys. So I joined a beach volleyball group. Sundays that summer became a joyous mix of sand, sun and beer. And I met someone.

We dated for six weeks before I broke it off. To me, that seemed equivalent to six months in single-and-fortysomething years.

Encouraged by such a long relationship, I grew bolder. Conversations with other singles netted valuable information about meeting mates online. I was amazed at how quickly and openly they broached the topic of Internet dating: “Hi, so which sites are you on? How are they?”

Still, I was skeptical. Dating online screamed, “I am an old-fashioned dimwit that’s completely unable to meet and/or converse with potential mates.” But single friends eventually convinced me that online dating was the most straightforward way to find a partner once you’re out of school.

Plan D: Create a savvy Internet persona and nickname.

At first, I scoured each profile and crafted individualized messages. About eight dates in, I got my groove and began to send more messages with fewer words. I started dating up a storm, sometimes two a night back to back.

The guys were entertaining, the restaurants nice, the conversations fun, but disappointingly there were no real sparks. None turned out to be the optimistic, self-assured traveller I was looking for. My approach needed a change. Instead of a restaurant, perhaps an activity would give me more insight into his personality and possible shared interests.

So my next date unfolded at a photography shoot for a band. He took photos with a passion that was endearing. Photography, which we both enjoyed, was also a good focus for our conversation. Sharing the same sense of humour, we laughed and talked into the wee hours of the night. Parting, we set up a second date for the coming weekend.

On Saturday at my place, two coffees were steaming on the table as soft music played in the background. According to my research, the second date was when you delved into your potential partner’s past to suss out any family skeletons or Ponzi scheming. I wanted to be in comfortable surroundings in case of an unpleasant secret.

In this intimate setting, we each shared our biggest life challenge. His was an unfinalized divorce, mine a new career path but no actual job. Mulling it over, we concluded our baggage was manageable in the bigger scheme. After all, dating in your 40s is not a fairy tale. But was the chemistry from the first night still there?

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

Butterflies in my stomach, I nodded ecstatically. It was a supreme Bridget Jones moment, and revealed that some aspects of dating remain the same at any age. This was a guy worth pursuing.

My final tally: an awkward bar night, a speed-dating adventure, a summer fling and 19 decent Internet dates to find one terrific soulmate. Not bad.

It was at times exhilarating, at times overwhelming, at times disheartening, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Opening up to new methods of dating, while remaining true to myself about the type of guy I wanted to meet, was part of the experience.

A year and a bit later we’re still together. Fingers crossed.

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Give the Barman a Shot!

I recently went out on a couple of dates with a bartender. My friends are horrified and think I’m setting myself up for immediate disappointment. My only argument against them comes in the form of Miranda and Steve from “Sex and the City,” which I admit is a flimsy reference. Is there life with a guy whose work starts way late and revolves around slinging drinks to cute girls?

— Sarah H., Brooklyn

No one should judge your choice of men. Period. First of all, what person hasn’t started off bartending or working in a restaurant? I know I have. If you really like him, see where it goes. You won’t know until you give it a try. The only downside are the late nights, but if you think you can handle it, then go for it! You guys just started dating, so you don’t know where he’s at or what he aspires to be professionally. Plus, if it doesn’t bother you, then who cares?

I know you want to believe that your friends have your best interests at heart. But sometimes, advice from friends — who may be in very different places than you and may have very different standards than you — can do more harm than good.

Follow your heart and just go with what feels right to you. If you don’t mind the late nights and you trust his actions with all the “cute girls,” then don’t let his current job stop you from seeing where this could go. After all, while “SATC” was a TV show, the episodes always featured very real experiences, so maybe your situation could turn out to be like Miranda and Steve’s!

I was in lesbian relationships for more than a decade before marrying my husband. Now, I love and only want to be with him. We have two beautiful children, and I’m very happy, but he has zero tolerance for my being friends with any of my exes. In the gay community, though, this is totally normal. I don’t want to just drop them as friends especially since I wouldn’t ask him to do the same. How can I keep my gal pals and assure him that my lesbian days are over?

— Lily S., Westchester

Well, first things first: There is a big difference between “gal pals” and ex-lovers. And as I’ve said time and time again, it’s not appropriate to hang out with people you were previously involved with sexually — no matter their sexual orientation.

I might have to side with your husband on this one. I especially feel for him because you were in relationships with women for 10 years, which is a long time. I’m sure he can’t help but wonder when you’re hanging out with your “gal pals” whether you still feel something for them. I know you said that you’re happily married and only want him, but unless you’re showing and proving that to him on a regular basis — and his hesitancy makes me think you may not be — than he’s got good reason to be skeptical.

There are a few things to take into consideration: First, did he always know about your past relationships and experiences? Second, were you always clear about not wanting to completely cut yourself out of that life? And finally, if so, was he OK with that? If the answer is yes, then he should acknowledge and respect what he signed up for. If the answer is no, then you should understand where he’s coming from. After all, what’s your motivation here? Is it really that important for you to remain friends with your ex-lovers? At a certain point in life, you have to make choices about what’s most important to you. If you’re a committed heterosexual, than I’d like to think it’s most important to please and respect your partner rather than be so concerned with what’s accepted in the “gay community,” which, truth be told, you’re no longer a part of.

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Why Dating Superstitions Actually Work

By Diana Vilibert

When it comes to getting lucky, I can always count on one thing: the less prepared I am, the more likely it is that it’ll happen. I remember reaching this conclusion one fateful night when I found myself in my bathroom, taking off my tights (control-top, natch) and grabbing a razor and shaving cream before balancing my foot on the edge of the sink, praying the glass of wine I’d just finished wouldn’t topple me over. My date was in the living room, probably wondering what the hell I was doing in there.

This wasn’t the first time I found myself in that position — I’ve even been guilty of shaving my legs in a restaurant bathroom in between dinner and dessert. And once I started noticing the pattern, without fail, every time I would fail to shave my legs before a date, I would get some action.

I asked my friends if they also have date-night beauty or fashion superstitions, and I found out I’m not the only one (OK, I was the only one who shaved her legs in the restaurant in the middle of a date — it was just once, I swear!). One girlfriend said that on a first date, “If I’m really nervous I wear my ’everyday’ dress to pretend I don’t care. I usually wear my best dress on the second date.” Another swears by mismatched socks. “The first time I got kissed, I was wearing mismatched socks. I was freaking out beforehand... really nervous that i looked like an idiot (which is dumb; he couldn’t even see them), but since then it’s been a thing.”

And it’s not just the ladies — though my guy friends stick to more general superstitions. One swears by a lucky shirt, while another admits he avoids clothing that has not given him much luck in the past.

I couldn’t help but notice that between my stubbly legs and my friend’s “everyday” dress, the goal is to avoid trying too hard. After all, who likes to spend four hours picking out the perfect outfit only to have the date be a total bust? Aim low and you won’t be too disappointed; you may even be pleasantly surprised. But meanwhile, my guy friends all kept it simple: get laid once wearing a certain outfit or cologne, and keep wearing it. One even continued to wear his “lucky” shirt after getting mugged in it.

So what is it about these silly superstitions, and why are we convinced mismatched socks or a certain dress is what gets us lucky — as opposed to our shining personalities? According to eHarmony, it has to do with uncertainty. “Whenever we experience something that seems uncontrollable, such as falling in love, we seek to gain control,” writes psychologist Bruce Hood. And we can’t help it: “Our brains are wired to seek out patterns in the world — especially at times when we are uncertain about outcomes. And what could be more unpredictable than the early whirlwind of a passionate romance?”

And you might as well give in — trying to rid yourself of superstitious behavior only makes it worse, writes Hood. “We might tell ourselves to get a grip, but deep down our emotional brain is firing on all cylinders,” adding that “The irony is that if you try to stop yourself from being superstitious (which often one cannot), then you feel more anxiety, which in turn leads you to seek more control.”

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Are You Interested?

By Brett Pulley

With the rise of the Internet, people began looking for love on websites such as Match.com and EHarmony.com. With the growing popularity of social networks, they’re turning to services like AreYouInterested.com.

The dating application, available on Facebook and Apple Inc.’s iPhone, lets users see beyond the personal details of potential mates to their social circles, including friends and family. AreYouInterested.com is adding more than 50,000 users a day, according to New York-based parent SNAP Interactive Inc., compared with the 20,000 new daily users Match.com reports.

AreYouInterested.com is now the largest Facebook dating application, with more than 13 million average monthly users, according to research firm AppData.com. Its popularity may cut into the growth of Match.com, part of IAC/InterActiveCorp, and EHarmony.com Inc., whose Facebook programs have 72,712 and 8,607 average monthly users respectively.

“Those traditional online dating companies don’t have a large app presence like us,” Snap Chief Executive Officer Cliff Lerner said in an interview. “Our growth, as well as the growth of a couple competitors, has come out of nowhere.”

Match.com has greater appeal for serious daters and a stronger long-term business, though it may not be signing up as many new users, said Gregory R. Blatt, CEO of IAC. Founded in 1995, the dating site collects pages of data from users to help them find appropriate mates, with a large engineering team to refine its site and algorithms.

“AreYouInterested is a flirty, fun little app,” Blatt said in an interview. “They have a few people working in a garage. We’ve got hundreds of engineers maximizing our business. You need huge degrees of sophistication, huge amounts of data behind it, and a huge community.”

AreYouInterested vs. Match.com

IAC’s Match business, which includes other dating websites such as Chemistry.com and SeniorPeopleMeet.com, had revenue of $292.4 million in the first nine months of the year, up 13 percent from a year earlier. Blatt ran the business until he took over the CEO role this month from Barry Diller, the billionaire who built and controls New York-based IAC.

Snap, traded over-the-counter, had $3.9 million in revenue in the first nine months, up 65 percent. Lerner and his brother, natives of Long Island, New York, founded the company with $750,000 from friends and family. Cliff, 32, had worked as an equities analyst at Lehman Brothers Inc; Darrell, 36, ran a fantasy-sports company. Snap has 17 employees and, for the record, operates from an office building in Midtown Manhattan.

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Snap Interactive rose 30 cents, or 150 percent, to 50 cents at 3:59 p.m. New York time in over-the-counter trading. The shares have increased 233 percent this year. IAC fell 26 cents to $29.71 in Nasdaq Stock Market trading and has gained 45 percent this year.

The brothers first started a dating website called IamFreeTonight.com in 2006, and shifted their focus after the initial success of their social-networking products.

AreYouInterested.com is a software application, or app, that users can load onto their Facebook page or iPhone with a half-dozen mouse clicks. It lets you click through photos of potential matches, and exchange messages or virtual gifts of digital roses or teddy bears.

One reason dating apps on Facebook are popular is that they give romance-seekers insight into potential partners through the social-networking site’s existing information, according to Darrell Lerner, Snap’s co-founder. People who meet on AreYouInterested.com can become Facebook friends and learn about each other before they ever agree to an actual date, he said. They typically can see another person’s Facebook posts and photos or videos of them and their friends.

‘More Comfortable’

“A lot of people on dating websites don’t put up legitimate information,” Darrell Lerner said in an interview. “Because we’re an app on Facebook, every user is legitimate. Before people go out with someone, they look them up on Facebook, they add them as a friend, and they see who their friends are. They get a better representation of the person, and it makes them more comfortable.”

IAC’s dating sites have 1.8 million subscribers, who pay $24.95 a month or $99 for a year. The websites had 6.5 million unique visitors in November, up from 60 percent from a year earlier, according to the market-research firm ComScore Inc. Operating profit for the group rose 25 percent over the first nine months to $77.3 million.

“Never has Match experienced the kind of growth it’s experienced in 2010,” Blatt said.

The company is working to introduce new Facebook apps that will compete with AreYouInterested.com, he said.

More Mobile

On Facebook, other competitors also exceed Match.com in number of users. Zoosk.com, backed by Canaan Partners, Bessemer Venture Partners, and ATA Ventures, has 6.1 million average monthly users for its Facebook app, according to AppData.com.

Snap plans to expand the AreYouInterested.com brand beyond Facebook, particularly on mobile devices, Cliff Lerner said.

“We believe there are big growth opportunities around mobile as web usage continues to increase rapidly and there are exciting opportunities around location-based features for dating apps,” he said.

One online dater, a 26-year-old event planner in Manhattan, said she had joined a couple dating websites before she recently registered for AreYouInterested.com through the Facebook application.

“For people in their 20s and 30s on Facebook, dating is a big aspect of our lives, and a lot of people use Facebook as a dating thing anyway,” said Adi, who declined to give her last name for privacy reasons. “There’s something to be said for a dating website that’s linked in with the most popular social network. It makes it feel more real.”

Top 15 Dating Mistakes Guys Make

Okay fellas, the ladies have to hand it to you — you do a lot of things to make our hearts swoon. You surprise us by taking the initiative to invite us out to dinner — where we will undoubtedly enjoy a romantic meal by candlelight, talk for hours, spoon feed each other creme brulee — wait a minute, are those your friends from college about to sit with us? And you wonder why we’re mad later. Needless to say, sometimes guys trip up their own game with the ladies without even realizing it. Here’s a list of the most common dating mistakes guys make — so you can keep your game in check.

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1. Overly possessive

Stop. Just, stop. If the girl is dating you, she obviously wants to be with you doofus — there’s no need to call her every hour, resort to extreme PDA to show the world she’s yours, or be on her back all the time about her guy friends. It’s not sweet, it’s stifling, and nobody wants to date a guy like that. Except that chick from Twilight — we guess there are a few here and there that are into that whole creepily possessive, smothering, super jealous deal.

2. Gross living space

Dorm room, apartment, house, condo, parent’s basement — wherever you live, there’s no excuse for it to be dirty. No, it doesn’t have to be —Suzy Homemaker” clean, but she’ll notice the Doritos crumbs from last night’s March Madness party, the empty beer cans, and the dreaded dirty socks littering the floor. While your lady friend shouldn’t be dating you solely based on your living space, a decently clean room shows her that you not only take care of yourself, but also put in the effort to make her feel comfortable in your home.

3. Acting like a tough guy

Oh, you have muscles and testosterone? We never noticed. No, really c’mon guys — girls know it, you know it, and other guys know it. You’re a man, grrrrrr. So why do some guys start stupid, unnecessary scuffles (—Come at my bro”)? News flash — fights just make us scared, not impressed. So just play it cool and save everyone the stress.

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4. Acting differently around your friends

The merging of the two worlds of friends and GF is a delicate task (one that most guys seem to bomb). Just as your main squeeze wouldn’t want the 411 about the hot chick your ex-frat buddy hooked up with last weekend, the same goes for your bros not wanting to hear about your latest antiquing excursion. Play it cool, keep the conversations neutral, and your friends will like your new girl as much as you do (well hopefully not as much).

5. Saying they’ll do XYZ with no follow through

Everyone has a cell phone these days. Seriously, if you haven’t jumped on the 21st century bandwagon yet then you probably aren’t reading this and are more likely holed up in the mountains catching fish with your bare hands and wrestling bears. Case in point — we’re betting you have access to a telephone. So stop making excuses and just call a girl when you say you will.

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6. Flirting with/checking out other women

Most women have a slight case of the —green eyed monster,” but it’s relatively easy to keep the beast at bay — unless given just cause. That quick glance at the waitress’ cha-chas? Being overly friendly with your knockout coworker? Talking a little too much about Megan Fox? Yep, she’ll notice. We get that you have hormones — trust us we do, too (especially when it comes to anyone whose last name is Badgley, Pitt, or Damon) — but do yourself a favor and keep them under control around us, or jealousy will rear its head. And yes, it will get ugly.

7. Baby talk in bed

Urban dictionary defines baby talk as —the cutesy gibberish spoken by 1. Babies and 2. Adults speaking to animals and babies.” It’s a bizarre phenomenon really, when grown adults turn into babbling idiots in the cute faces of their pets. That said, while it’s endearing with puppies and bunnies, girls don’t want to be spoken to like that — particularly in the bedroom.

8. Expecting her to act like your mother

Newsflash — women are nurturing creatures. Sometimes men try to abuse their goodwill and start treating them more like mothers than girlfriends — especially in a cohabitation scenario. After all, she’s not there to be a mommy replacement — to clean up after you, take in your dry cleaning, or —make you a sandwich” (thanks teenage boys everywhere for perpetuating this sexist comment). In short, man up mamma’s boy and get your act together.

9. Letting your friends dictate your life

Ladies get it — your bros, brahs, wingmen, fellas, buddies, etc. are really important to you. What women find really aggravating, however, is when you let your friends dictate your life. Ever taken a friend’s advice like —make her jealous to win her back?” Wow, good one man — she just broke up with you. See, while their intentions may be good, they’re not experts, and girls would prefer that you discuss your relationship issues with them instead.

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10. Threatened by her job

Sometimes it seems as though the best way to test a man’s commitment isn’t to gauge his reaction when his significant other is down in the dumps — after all, anybody can deliver ice cream and rented movies — but rather gauge his reaction in the face of success. If the BF is overjoyed for his GF, he is definitely a keeper. However, far too often, men are threatened by a woman’s success — two words guys — not cool.

11. Hypocritical standards

Nobody likes a hypocrite. That annoying —do as I say, not what I do” mentality loses its merit fast — especially when it translates to your relationship. Either adhere to the standards you go by for her, or run the risk of coming off as controlling.

12. Not having your own life away from her

Scientifically speaking, in the first six months of dating, dopamine and serotonin levels peak, creating a form of obsession with your significant other. Once you transition out of this phase, you feel attached to your partner deeply, but often begin pursuing interests that have fallen by the wayside. Just don’t forget the step where you start persuing those other interests. Nobody likes a needy guy.

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13. Bringing up previous relationships

Talking about an ex a lot — whether in a positive light, as in —I’m totally at peace with the situation,” or in a negative light — i.e. —I can’t believe I dated that w — —,” sends one very clear, unnerving message — he’s not over his ex. Bringing up past girlfriends to use as ammo in a fight is a terrible idea — lest you want to start WWIII. You don’t have to ignore her existence, but you also don’t need to bring up her name in every convo, either.

14. Treating others poorly

When men are first dating someone casually and trying to impress them, one major red flag is when they treat people poorly. While we sincerely hope he won’t go as far as to put a fumbling waiter in a headlock, just being rude to a taxi driver or making a scene with the cashier worries ladies that they may be dating a narcissistic psycho.

15. Inflated ego

When it comes to dating, big ego = big turn-off. No one likes a know-it-all with an inflated sense of self. When guys talk a big game or boast about past conquests, it makes girls wonder what they’re over-compensating for — and chances are that they won’t stay in the relationship long enough to find out.

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