Indonesian Women Take Dating Into Their Own Hands

In the past, women were expected to wait around for a man to choose them. But that image of the princess sighing out the window of the tallest tower no longer applies in Indonesia. Educated Indonesian women know what they want, and with the help of modern technology they are going out to get it.

Armed with a list of characteristics that they look for in a partner, more women are signing up to online dating sites to find their very own Prince Charming, with varying degrees of success.

We talk confidentially to three women about their experiences with Internet matchmaking and the factors they think can make or break a relationship.

Via, college student

Via looks for three things in a man: proximity, piety and a proposal. Better still if he’s a fan of Japanese cartoons and comics.

The 24-year-old college student began her search for love online when she was browsing a site for fans of all things Japan. She noticed a column advertising a dating service, and decided to click through and join.

“I thought, who knows? I may even find someone who likes Japan as much as I do and we can have our honeymoon there,” she said.

Via gave her real name and a link to her website. She tried to be as honest as possible about herself, because she was looking for a husband, not a boyfriend.

“If I date someone, it’s with the intention of getting married,” she said. “I want that to be clear. In the past, I have ended relationships with guys who aren’t clear about whether they want to get married.”

She is also upfront with her prospective partners about the importance of having the same religion.

“For me, religion is always No. 1,” she said. “And I don’t mean just as something on their identity card. I want them to really understand the teachings they follow.”

Via believes that differences in background are complicated enough without throwing in a difference of religion. She wants to find a Muslim husband with the same values as her, so they can build a life together.

But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t broken her own rules in the past.

Via once developed an online relationship with a hotel owner from India. Once they got chatting, the pair found they actually had a lot in common, despite their distance.

The more they chatted, the closer they felt to one another, until finally the man said he wanted to come to Jakarta to meet her.

Via said that was fine, so long as he wanted to get married and stay with her in Indonesia. She was afraid to go with him to India, where she had no friends or family and couldn’t speak the language.

“He was really broken,” she said. “He cried and said he couldn’t believe it. He was angry with me. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to do, because that was the reality.”

After that, they stopped chatting and Via avoided going online. But her search continues for a husband closer to home.

“My parents told me that a difference of culture within Indonesia is difficult enough, let alone trying to find someone overseas,” she said.

Ajeng, public relations officer

After her best friend married a man she met online, Ajeng thought she might give it a go, too.

The 30-year-old public relations officer set up a profile on indonesiancupid.com and started searching for men in the age range of 30 to 40, preferring those with a good-looking profile picture and a steady job.

She tried to be honest about herself in her profile, disclosing that she enjoys the occasional drink and cigarette, but didn’t give her real name.

“I think if you met a guy on there, you would expect that he would do the same,” she said.

Ajeng would like to find someone to start a relationship with, but is also happy to just get to know someone and see how things go. Some of the people she has met online have turned out to be lasting friends. But some have turned out to be more than friends, too.

“There’s this one guy I really like, he lives in Pakistan,” she said. “He really caught my eye among the other profile pictures, so I clicked the heart icon to show interest. About a week later, he sent a message to me and we started e-mailing back and forth.”

Ajeng ended up chatting to the guy on a regular basis before they decided to “meet” over video chat.

“I felt so excited, but a little bit worried. I wondered if he really looked as handsome as he did in the picture,” she said.

When the video connection was up and running, Ajeng was impressed by what she saw — until he started to smile. The first thing she noticed was that he had a front tooth missing.

“I told my friends, ‘He’s so hot ... but toothless!’ and they burst out laughing,” she said.

But Ajeng didn’t let a small detail like that get in the way. The pair have already made plans to meet up in Jakarta next month.

“I think he’s a really nice guy, and maybe I shouldn’t judge him by his looks,” she said.

The only trouble is, in some of their conversations, Ajeng herself feels like she is being judged.

“He told me he doesn’t like girls who smoke or drink. He said it turned him off,” she said. “It sounds like he’s the one who’s judging without noticing that on my profile, it’s clearly shown that I do those things.

“For now, I’m just going to consider him a friend,” she added.

Pradnya, professional writer

When Pradnya signs up to online dating services, her first mission is to sort the straight-talkers from the scammers.

The 35-year-old writer is selective about who she opens up to, and keeps only a small number of people on her chat list.

Pradnya has profiles on Oasis.com and AsianEuro.com, a site that promises to help “Asian singles find their true love” and Europeans find “the Asian woman of their dreams.” But so far, what she has mostly found is friendship.

“Out of like 10 guys — all of whom were overseas — that I ever chatted with, I finally met two of them in person. We never started a relationship, as we didn’t feel fit for each other as time went by, but we remain very good friends until now, and it’s been years,” she said.

Pradnya uses an alias online, though she will often reveal her real name after chatting for some time. Chatting is really what she is looking for: She writes on her profile that she wants to meet “someone who is real, honest and whom I can feel comfortable being around.”

Religion is not an issue for her, and neither is location.

When she was assigned to write a story overseas in the city where one of her online friends lived, she met up with him while she was there.

“Both of us felt as if we had known each other for a long time when we first met,” she said. “That is quite normal when you are communicating with someone online, as you feel that you can tell them everything and are somehow very open with them.”

But the friendship never became anything more than that.

“As we spent time together we realized that we wouldn’t be good in a relationship, but we would be very good friends,” she said.

Pradnya does not feel disappointed that none of her encounters turned into love stories.

“A lot of people may think the online dating concept is ridiculous, but I’ve tried it myself and I think it’s just fine,” she said. “Yes, there are scammers, or people who are not real out there, but there are people who are sincere, too.”

Secret Online Dating Tips Revealed

Want to know the secret of successful online dating? Try these tips by Harvard math majors.

OkTrends (blog.okcupid.com) is a blog written by the founders of OkCupid (www.okcupid.com), a free, online dating site that counts 7 million visitors each month.

Every six weeks or so, the bloggers - all former math majors from Harvard - examine the gold mine of dating data collected from their members’ online interactions. They sort and sift, crunch and correlate, catching whatever nuggets of mating wisdom fall out.

Then they post a report of their findings - and the resultant dating tips - often with pop culture references, statistical graphs and pictures of half-naked young men and women.

“It’s our version of an advice column,” Los Angeles Times quoted Sam Yagan, OkCupid’s chief executive.

“We love the fact that our own data tell us what works on a date,” Yagan added.

Even scientists analyse the tips and the results are divided.

“I’m a big fan,” Northwestern University social psychology professor Eli Finkel told Los Angeles Times, adding that the posts are ’generally insightful’.

Viren Swami, co-author of The Psychology of Physical Attraction, was less enthusiastic, saying: ’They could also potentially be very misleading and, at worst, quite far from the truth’.

According to the scientists, women were told to flirt with the camera for their profile photo. If they made what OkCupid called ’flirty-face’, they received on average 1.5 additional messages per month.

That’s because a woman’s smile is well-documented as a signal of sexual interest.

’Flirty smiles trigger what we call men’s sexual over-perception bias,’ said David M. Buss, psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin and author of ’The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating’.

This advice is only, however, for women. Men were ordered to be aloof on camera. When they did so, they had a roughly 90 per cent success rate with their emails than otherwise.

“There is good evidence that men high in status smile less and that smiling is sometimes interpreted as a sign of submissiveness. Also, some male smiles can look like leers, so it’s good to avoid those,” Buss told the LATimes.

The data also showed that women who took their ’flirty-face’ to the next level by showing a bit of cleavage had better results - vastly better results as they got older.

According to OkCupid, an 18-year-old woman with a cleavage shot in her profile gets 24 percent more contacts per month on average than more demure 18-year-olds.

If she does it at age 32, that jumps to 79 percent more than her buttoned up peers.

“Women’s mate value declines with age,” said Satoshi Kanazawa, evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics, co-author of “Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters’.

But they can compensate for their decline in mate value by showing their cleavage.’

’It’s bait,’ Dr Peter Jonason of the University of South Alabama said.

For men, the inverse is true. Male online daters should show off their six packs in their profile pictures, but only if they are young.

That’s because women in their 30s are less interested in the man’s body than whether or not he will be a good provider, clinical psychologist Marianne Brandon said.

Another tip was both to subtract two inches from the height your potential date claims to be - and 20 per cent from their salary.

For men, the experts said, this makes sense. Height suggests good health and genes; while wealth, obviously, suggests resources. ’Men deceive about their status and income in order to make themselves seem more desirable to women,’ said Dr Buss.

Women, however, may not be lying, Kanazawa argued.

If a woman is trying to get dates online, he argued, she must be having difficulty in real life. That could be because she is Amazonian - both men and women prefer that the man is taller.

They also may have a bigger paycheque than the average man - and the very average man prefers, by and large, to be the one who brings home the bacon, he said.

¿Es usted un camarero que data?

Dating Advice for Men Looking for Love

Love is the most powerful emotion in existence, yet some men just keep on making the same old relationship and dating mistakes that prevents them from finding that one true love. Learning how to avoid dating pitfalls by trying new strategies can help a man find that special woman he is looking for. These dating tips for men will help men gain a better perspective on a few dating insights that all women talk about, but rarely admit.

First Impressions are Important to women

Men looking for love need to make a good first impression as it is critical in gaining a woman’s interest. There will always be shallow girls who go out with guys based solely on looks and material possessions such as cars, and money. However, quality ladies are really looking for a guy with a great character, who takes care of his appearance, and has a lot to offer intellectually. However, an investment in a good haircut and a nice wardrobe should not be discounted. Girls like a guy in casual jeans just as much as they do a guy in a suit and tie. Dress appropriately for the date, and save that faded weekend shirt and old jeans for hanging out with the guys.

If a date includes having a lady over to the house or apartment, make sure the place is clean. This may seem like a no-brainer, but there are really two kinds of men – messy men, and clean men. The man who’s neat and clean lets a woman know that he cares about his home, and would potentially make a good love interest. The messy house sends the message that any potential girlfriend will eventually be doing a lot of laundry and scrubbing if she sticks around, and she’s likely to run and never look back after only one visit. If it takes hiring a maid to keep the ol’ bachelor pad neat and tidy, do it. It’s the easiest step a guy can take in making a good first impression of his home.

Physical fitness and athleticism is attractive to women. A guy doesn’t have to be a superstar athlete with a body builder physique; however, an active guy who takes care of himself is a lot more attractive to a woman than a guy who sits around eating chips and drinking soda all day. Take a few extra steps to engage in physical activity each day whether it is walking, biking, hiking, and running, doing a few crunches or working around the house. Remember, muscles are sexy!

If picking the date up, remember to provide a lady with a clean car to ride in for the date. Many women have complained about getting in to a guy’s car only to get dog hair on her clothes, or to accidentally bump into the side of the car and get dirt on her dress. For first impression’s sake, make sure the car is washed and properly vacuumed.

Finally, try to relax and be at ease while on the date. An early afternoon workout may help reduce any pre-date jitters. Remember to smile, and have fun. Humor and laughter are incredibly attractive to women, and ladies will pick up on their date’s confidence, and will probably have a great time as well.

Dating Guide for Men on Where to Meet Women

One tricky aspect of dating is finding a nice girl with a good career with the potential to be a love interest. Well, this is easier said than done, but here are a few places to meet nice women that most men overlook. Sure, the cute waitress or sexy girl at the bar might be fun, but for girlfriend material, try looking in these places:

Gym – Many women with careers visit the gym in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Busy women tend to try to fit physical fitness into their schedule and often join co-ed gyms for the sake of exercising and possibly meeting someone nice also.

Community and Social Mixers – Active women in communities take the time to contribute to the fabric of their cities and towns they live in. They volunteer, attend, and take part in their local chamber of commerce. Wine and art festival, as as well as community spirit building events are great places to meet women.

Bank or Customer Service Jobs – Women like to work in jobs were they feel they have career mobility, and where they interact with customers. For men who do most of their banking online, perhaps going into the bank once in a while could put guys in contact with career-minded women. However, guys need to approach this method of meeting women with caution as they don’t want to seem like a creep. So guys, please keep your cool and be respectful.

Philanthropic Organizations – Socially minded women who are active in their community often volunteer for charitable organizations. Men who volunteer alongside women have opportunities to support communities and perhaps foster and build new friendships.

Online Dating – Many dating sites like Match.com or eHarmony dating are good resources in making connections with similar interests. Simply create a profile sharing some interesting facts and details, and upload a few photos. Many sites are free to join, and offer the opportunity for guys to get over the shyness of approaching new women.

Online Dating Advice for Men

There is a competitive aspect to online dating. Quality women do get multiple offers from men online, and they have the opportunity to date several men at once. So it’s best to keep online dating a casual, yet friendly experience. Try not to get too wrapped up in just talking to one lady. Date multiple girls, but limit the dates to girls who are relationship prospects instead of going out with every girl possible. Eventually, a decent guy is sure to make a meaningful connection with a nice lady. Here’s a few more tips on creating a compelling online dating profile:

Create Interest in an Online Profile – share a fun experience or hobby. Include information about your career and interests while trying to remain somewhat vague about your income level. For income level, it’s best to give a range for the sake of warding off the gold-diggers.

Share Details about Ideal Partner – Remember this is an ad soliciting friendship so a guy needs to appeal to the qualities in a woman that he’s looking for, but try not to be too unrealistic or demanding.

Spelling and Grammar – Check for spelling and grammar errors before the profile is published. This can be a huge turn-off for women.

Get an Opinion – It’s always good to get a sister’s or trusted friend’s opinion about the profile, and to point out a few more interesting details that can be added to the profile.

Be Honest – Try not to overexagerate in the profile. Use a recent picture, and promote your relationship status accurately. The truth will eventually come out, and women want to know a guy is who he says he is.

Relationship advice for men

The best dating advice for men is to try to create a good first impression, but to keep it real. Keep a positive outlook on the dating experience, and try to go to places that quality women would go to such as the gym, philanthropic or charitable events. Also go to community events where women are likely to attend such as wine fests and craft fairs.

Finally, turn to online dating sites such as Match.com or eHarmony to search for that special someone. One in five dating relationships begins from meeting online. Create an impressive, yet honest profile, and keep it casual. Love will happen with patience and a good attitude.