Dating After Brain Surgery

When a sudden brain bleed left her with facial paralysis and disability, Louise Krug wondered if she’d ever be able to find a boyfriend again ...

After a bleed in my brain rendered me with sudden disability and facial paralysis at the age of 22, perhaps I should have found it troubling that my biggest concern was how I would find a boyfriend. Relearning how to walk, dress myself and drive - sure, that was important, but I thought the key to feeling “normal” was being desirable romantically.

Going from not having to think about finding a boyfriend to wondering who would want me was painful. I began looking for someone while I still walked with a cane, the shaved part of my scalp was still growing back, and I had tape over one lens of my glasses to correct my double vision. Small wonder it was tough.

Before my brain surgery, I’d always had a boyfriend. In college I dated the different stereotypes: the fraternity boy, the guitar-playing hipster, the future politician, the left-wing activist - I even had the ill-advised fling with a teacher. Eventually, I got serious with a fellow aspiring journalist and we moved out to California after graduation to start our careers, but after the operations we broke up.

After recovering from the surgery for a summer I was well enough to move out of my parents’ house and into an apartment. Everyone became a possibility. I wasn’t picky. That guy who just lit my cigarette? Was he flirting? What about the bag boy at the grocery store? Didn’t he linger at my car?

I tried to make sure my jeans covered the tops of my orthopedic shoes, and went through phases of trying to distract people from my taped glasses and paralysed face with dangly earrings and interesting necklaces. I practised smiling in the mirror in a way that my face would look most symmetrical, which meant I smiled very slightly.

My first plan was to look up an old college love. We had had lots of fun - impromptu road trips! Drinking at dive bars! Music festivals that stretched on for weekends! He had once said that walking down the street with me felt like being with a movie star. He would know I was still the same person even though I looked different. But after a few uncomfortable outings throwing myself at him, it was clear it wasn’t going to happen. “I’m sorry,” he said one night. “But no.”

My friends were supportive of my goal, and I used their shoulders to lean on after nights in bars when I’d had too many beers. Someone with balance issues shouldn’t drink as much as I did, but alcohol was one of the only tools I had that made me brave enough to try and flirt.

Inevitably, there was the point when the guy I was hitting it off with would ask about my taped glasses, or why I used the wall for balance when I walked. When the phrase “brain surgery” came up he would back away ever so slightly, and would soon be gone.

My next serious attempt began with a guy I call Hat Guy, because he always wore a baseball cap to cover up his premature baldness. Our relationship evolved like most - we talked late into the night and met each other’s friends - but what wasn’t normal was the ever-present voice in my head that wondered why Hat Guy liked me. I was looking for some reason he was with me instead of with a “normal” girl. Did he just feel sorry for me?

He always insisted that I made too big of a deal out of my disabilities and differences. He couldn’t admit that although I had difficulties, he was OK with that; rather, he pretended they didn’t exist. He even tried to get me to go skateboarding with him ... I ended up breaking up with him because he was flaky. He often called late, sometimes not at all, and broke plans at the last minute. Hat Guy helped me realize that, although I did want a romantic partner, I wasn’t as willing to settle as I thought.

Eventually I met the man who is now my husband. We met at a party while I was still desperately trying to get my old college boyfriend to notice me. I was out on the steps of a crappy apartment building, wobbly because of the beer, and he took my arm.

We got to know each other through email, sending each other links to funny websites at first, then talking about our lives and forming a real friendship. We had the same wide circle of friends, and saw each other once or twice a week for months before we kissed. That’s what made our relationship different. Unlike my other attempts at romance after brain surgery, I didn’t rush things with him. I didn’t try to attach myself to him just for the sake of having a mate.

My husband accepts how I feel about my situation - my anger, my sadness, my wonder - and he treats me better than I treat myself. Isn’t that what we all need? As I was getting to know him, I learned about some trials he’d been through in his own life and got some perspective, something I desperately needed.

I started to realise that even though it often doesn’t show on the outside, we all have experiences in our lives that damage us and threaten to hold us back. Mine just happen to be visible.

Dating and Relating

Things happen very fast in the current generation. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, there is a good reason why top chefs do not prepare elegant meals in a microwave. Clearly one of our issues on campus is the sometimes frantic pace with which we build relationships. There is no one to blame for the demise of the dating ritual on this campus. It is what it is. In my curiosity to understand why men and women have abdicated ownership of this social norm, I engaged ten students (5 women; 5 men) in single-sex conversations about their opinions around this issue. Although I cannot extrapolate these comments to all men and women on campus, this is what I discovered.

The women I talked with were unanimous in their belief that the Notre Dame environment is packed with pressure. They described the pressure to look a certain way (hair done, make-up on, never wear sweats) and to behave a certain way. “You always have to look as good as possible. Men talk about putting on their ‘ND goggles.’ I know a lot of beautiful girls on campus so I don’t understand how the men here can think that all of us are ugly.”

There is a belief that this creates an environment where women are willing to take any attention they can get from men, hook-up or otherwise. They compete against Notre Dame women out of the classroom and Notre Dame men in the classroom. “And we can’t forget about the pressure added by the presence of St. Mary’s students. You are fighting so much already, that the pressure really gets to you.” Some of the women said they felt stuck and wondered if coming to Notre Dame was a mistake. Others have decided to place relationship formation on hold, to wait until they leave Notre Dame to pursue this portion of life.

The women also talked explicitly about the dining hall as a source of stress and judgement. Whether it is the men who “moo” at those who get fro-yo, or the other women who meticulously watch what your plate looks like, the dining halls have contributed to a negative atmosphere where women don’t feel valued.

Many of the frustrations the men talked about revolved around the perennial issue of parietals. It is noted, however, that not every man interviewed had a negative view of this Notre Dame tradition. They also commented that differing expectations about the college experience is part of the problem. They believe that many women come to Notre Dame looking for committed relationships and others hope to achieve the coveted “ring by spring.” The men used the term “American Pie” to describe what the typical college man expected.

All the guys I talked with agreed with the notion that women have some pressure to always look good/perfect. They believe, however, that much of this pressure is either self-induced or imposed on women by other women. They also commented that when a woman receives a negative comment about her apparel, she may have the tendency to inflate the importance of that comment. In the end, they admitted that how a woman dresses does impact their impression of her, but added that the same is probably true from the other side.

Some of the men agreed with the notion that it might be better to wait until after college to focus on relationships. One stated that doing this now makes “girls panicky and guys frustrated.” One young man said eloquently that “doing a relationship the right way is not easy. It takes a great deal of effort and I would rather focus my attention on making sure my academics are in order. If you can get involved and do it the right way, go for it. But typically once two people get involved, it is only then that they realize how involved the process is.” In terms of waiting on romance, one young man commented that, “good things come to patient people.” Other common frustrations guys experience on campus include women who are “jersey chasers,” being trapped in the friend zone and the fact that when a certain type of athlete shows up at a party the game is over.

From what I can surmise, the issues presented here, while serious, are not insurmountable. It will just take authentic and honest communication. To that end I am inviting the ten individuals that offered their opinions for this editorial to join me for a meeting of the minds and some great food. This extended conversation will be the first of many and the topic of a future column. Until then talk to your friends about what you have read and decide if these comments ring true for you. I look forward to seeing you at the Notre Dating program tonight at 7 p.m. in Legends.

Mortality and Dating

For most of my life, I have avoided dating and relationships. In high school, this was a consequence of my inability to play the necessary games. (Although, I attributed it to hopeless romanticism, the justification of choice for most awkward teenagers.) In college, I learned to play the games — very well. However, I continued to not date. The adage, “why buy the cow if the milk is for free” applied. I enjoyed college.

Towards the end of college, I started to think differently. I wanted to form relationships of the non-causual variety. Many people I know date merely to be in a relationship. They are not necessarily wild about their partner, they just prefer not to be alone. This doesn’t interest me. In my case, I would date only if I found someone great. I think (very) highly of myself; I would have to think highly of the girl I would date as well. And that is just the beginning of the criteria. Physical attraction and emotional compatibility are not minor issues. Such girls are rare, but they have graced my path before.

As mentioned previously on my blog, I had a rare type of cancer for which there is still no cure. I was treated surgically to remove the macro-tumor, but microscopic remnants undoubtedly remain and, after enough doubling, it will reassert a claim on my health. Things are not likely to end well. Given this, I arrived at my dating conundrum. If I was to find a girl that I respected; a girl that I was attracted to; a girl whose company I enjoyed; a girl that I wanted to invest my time and emotions in…what happens when I get sick again? I initiated steps to nullify the Chordoma threat, and others subsequently (greatly) exceeded my efforts, but as of right now, I think the probability of tragedy exceeds that of happily ever after. This introduces my paradox, my Catch-22. The purpose of dating such a girl as the one sketched above is to allow myself to be swept along the currents, hoping to arrive at a place of deep love. (I wasn’t trying to be poetic; the preceding statement was as precise a summary on the progression of relationships as I could give.) If this point came — if I grew to love her deeply — I would want to protect her from harm and suffering. However, given Chordoma, her suffering would likely be a result of my sickness and death. Her suffering would be deeply emotional. Furthermore, as it is in a woman’s best interest to find a man in her youth — for obvious reasons — it would continue to weigh on her for a long time. Ergo, the best way to protect my as of yet unidentified and pursued love, is to never pursue her.

I realized this years ago but it is growing more difficult to maintain my restraint. For one, it’s easy to not pursue women romantically when you are young, dumb, and…in college. I might have justified my Dorian Gray phase as a consequence of this realization, but truthfully it wasn’t. I was enjoying myself in the way that a geek turned college man-whore would. Now, however, I am less interested in the simple pleasures (in isolation, at least.) Over the past year or so, I’ve started dating a few women, only to realize I was being selfish. I think I wanted the intimacy of a relationship, without the woman’s investment. This was stupid because it’s not a possibility.

To a small degree, I’m writing this hoping that someone will point out an obvious flaw. I’ve thought of some, but they are weak. I assume people smarter than myself have offered similar arguments; I’d like to read them. However, for the most part, I wrote it to solidify my resolve and understanding. That’s why I write most of my blog posts and accounts for my readership of about six people.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to do what I consider the rational course of action: try to fund a cure.

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Does Age Matter?

Dating an older man or woman certainly has its advantages. Often, someone older is more experienced, looking for fun, further along in life, more mature, or more stable. You might be thinking, “Yes! Finally, someone who is ready for the relationship I want and/or at my level.” But, are you sweet enough for a Sugar Daddy or courageous enough for a Cougar?

Cougar Time

According to an article on WebMD.com, older women may be on the prowl for a young stallion around the college age because of the difference in sexual peaks of men and women. A woman’s sexual prime is in her 30s—while men in their 30s are already on the decline. A man in his early twenties is the perfect match.

While the sexual chemistry is right, the Cougar may be leaving the den for more than just that one reason. Dating someone younger can make women feel younger. In an anecdotal recount about being a Cougar, women talk about dating younger men. Dating younger men allows women to be fearless flirters like they were in their teens and twenties.

Dating younger men allows women to be appreciated once again for their sex appeal, rather than their mom-appeal. Recall Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate, or Kim from “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” for example.Younger men, around college age, have a different set of priorities than those contemporary to the 30-plus crowd. Sex and fun seem to be the main priorities for the older woman, as they are not ready to settle into (or want to break from) the stagnant lifestyle of a husband and kids.

Establishing a real relationship with a Cougar could be difficult. If you are looking for long-term relationships and want a family to provide for later, you are in the wrong dating scene. If you are looking for a challenge, you are in the right game. Have fun and embrace the relationship as it is. You could learn a lot from the experienced and confident woman.

There is no age limit on fun, but always be aware of the rare chance the relationship could turn into more. Society casts women dating younger men negatively, so be ready for lots of scrutiny from your family and friends.

Sweet Sugar Daddies

Dating older men differs completely from Cougars. The familiar scenario in Hollywood is: a very young girl dating a very old man for his money or for fame. Each time I happen to watch the recent season of “The Girls Next Door,” I can’t help but label the girls as fame-whores, who are definitely not in the relationship for love.

But, I would say that the above scenario is the exception. Most college-age women who end up with older men are not looking for fortune or fame but for a real relationship with a man who is ready to commit.

Older men are more confident than younger guys. After being in several relationships over the years, and some who have even been through a divorce, they are tired of the dating game. They are upfront about their feelings, more approachable about serious relationship topics and perhaps even more willing to work through problems.

These attributes are refreshing to a woman who has suffered her dating peers and is ready for a relationship longer than a one night stand from the bar and maybe a couple of dates after. Older men offer security because of their experience.

When it comes to a relationship with an older man, age does prove a bit more important. Ten to 15 years is the maximum a relationship could really work when you are young. Consider if you are 20, he is 35. When you are 25, he is 40. Also, if you are seeking children in the relationship, the older the man, the less chance he may be willing to have children—or he might have some already! But, the older you get, the less age begins to matter, I believe, and it more what you share in common.

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