5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating after Divorce

By Terri Sloane

You just nibbled through an entire bar of dark chocolate. Your divorce papers are finally signed. You are 55, single and thinking about dating. The last time you had a first date, you wore jackets with shoulder pads and permed your hair. You are “out there” again, and the dating world has changed a lot since the eighties.

I’m divorced too and can empathize. Put down the chocolate; it really isn’t so bad out there. According to a recent article on Match.com, single boomers over fifty years old are enjoying the benefits of their new status. Seventy-five percent of women and 81 percent of men say that they are experiencing dating success. My advice is to get out there, but avoid these common mistakes I see women make after divorce.

Dating too soon after the divorce: I learned this lesson early. I only dated because my ex had a girlfriend, and it was my way to personally retaliate. Who did it hurt? Me! I was a dating disaster since I wasn’t truly ready. Starting to date again can be an overwhelming experience. My self-esteem was damaged and I felt stuck. I needed to work through my personal issues before I could be successful in dating. Fortunately, I had the help of a wonderful professional counselor who helped me move forward. Many women go straight to their girlfriends for advice on dating and relationships when a professional source is needed. An unbiased professional -- someone who sees issues objectively -- is a better choice. A coach will tell you the truth about your readiness to date. A well-meaning friend may not be so honest. My advice is, before you join the dating boomers, seek out professional help from a trained counselor or coach like myself. In this case, you need a coach more than you need to eat another chocolate bar with a girlfriend!

Being afraid to go solo: Solo is the way to go when you are looking to meet someone to date. Although we love being with our girlfriends, constantly traveling with a group of gal pals is a recipe for disaster. I know it takes time to feel comfortable traveling alone, so you need to practice. I suggest taking a class, going to a show, concert, movie or opera alone. Take yourself out for dinner and sit near the bar area. If you’re feeling confident, have dinner at the bar. If you spot someone of interest, catch his eye for a few seconds and smile. Perhaps he will come over and introduce himself. If he doesn’t, count it as practice. A woman alone is approachable, confident and mysterious. The more you practice going out alone, the easier it is. I tell clients, if you want to meet an interesting man, be an interesting woman. Remember, men are attracted to women who are independent and fun -- women who have interesting lives of their own.

Being someone other than your “genuine self” on a first date: Talking about work may feel safe, but it’s not a good first date conversation. If you had a bad day, stay home unless you can bring a positive, approachable attitude along. Before going out, I put on some upbeat or romantic music, dance by myself in my home and think happy thoughts. I leave my past in the past. If you don’t have time to go home prior, dress for work in something “dateable” like a wrap dress, a pencil skirt, or a fabulous sweater or satin blouse that makes you feel pretty. Focus on a positive mood, be aware of your posture and stand tall. Add your favorite perfume, freshen your makeup and hair and smile. Your smile is always your most important beauty accessory and a welcoming appearance enhancer.

Breaking plans to date: It’s a mistake to break plans with girlfriends or alter your schedule if dating conflicts occur. Men don’t change their schedules and you shouldn’t either. Do keep doing what you enjoy and incorporate new experiences into a broadening social scene. I attend movie classes alone and add new classes each year to my schedule, no matter what is going on in my life. Men are attracted to women who have a vibrant life and who take care of themselves outside and inside. They will only like you more. Always nurture your spirit and do things that give yourself pleasure.

Burning bridges if you don’t feel “sparks": Chemistry is elusive as you date. Be patient. Recently I went on a date and had a great evening, but there were no sparks. So what? I decided to accept a second date because we had fun together. Unfortunately, there is still no chemistry. My advice to my “dating self” was to make my date into my friend. The suggestion may offend some men, but take the opportunity to be good company. I know from experience that some men are happy with this idea. Men enjoy the companionship of a woman. There is no pressure; just friendship. Try it. You may be surprised with the results. What can start out as a friendship may even turn into romance. Sparks can disappear, but friendship is forever.

Remember, this is your time. Learn from the mistakes others have made and travel smoothly as you begin dating after divorce.

Divorce Marketplace Draws Recent Singles Who Want To Rejoin The Hunt

By Jennifer Latson

It’s a far cry from the towering cakes and cascading gowns on display at Houston’s bridal shows. At the Divorce Marketplace, the main attraction is meeting other recent singles.

On Sunday afternoon, in a carpeted conference room at the Crowne Plaza hotel near Sharpstown, a small group of divorcees navigated between booths advertising dating services, gym memberships, outing groups and even pet adoption.

Gena McClatchy’s phone buzzed as she toured the room with her friend, Michelle Kerbow, both from Cypress. It was a text message from another mutual friend.

“Have y’all met a man yet?” it read. The crowd was largely female, however.

McClatchy, who has been divorced for 10 years, just recently re-entered the dating pool.

“I felt like I needed to find my own way through life first,” she explained. “Now I’ve done that and I’m ready to find a partner.”

The crowd came in varying stages of recovery from the shock of splitting up.

John McGee, 45, was married for 22 years before his divorce became final in May. The father of three is still sorting through a jumble of feelings, and he knows he’s far from ready to date again.

“I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy,” he explained to a saleswoman at one of the booths, who commiserated. She’s recently divorced, too.

McGee stopped at the expo on his way home from church — mostly out of curiosity, he said. He found little of interest among the vendors offering microdermabrasion and scented candles. A chiropractor offered adjustments that he said would help alleviate some of the emotional effects — depression and anxiety, for example — that accompany the grief of separation. That seemed, to McGee, like an oversimplification of his distress.

“This is all kind of fresh, kind of new, and it’s painful,” he said.

The goal of the expo was to empower the newly single — maybe just not the QUITE-so-newly single, organizers said.

Patricia Navarro, a Richmond boutique owner who showcased glittering jewelry and brightly sequined belts, recognized that rhinestones can’t cure heartbreak. But they can help, she said.

“I have a lot of divorced clients,” she said. “When they try on my blingy stuff, they look pretty, they feel pretty; some of them even cry. They’ve got a new lease on life.”

A guidebook

Two sales representatives for a company called Slumber Parties — the adult novelty version of Tupperware parties — said that while they’ve set up booths at bridal shows before, this was their first divorce expo. But they thought their products could resonate with this market, too.

“These women need to take time to make themselves happy, as well,” said Sheila Rosario.

Other booths were more directly focused on the challenges facing the recently divorced.

Jayna Haney, who offered a guidebook on single parenting, said she urged the newly single to find the silver lining of leaving a marriage that wasn’t working.

“People who get divorced have a lot of conflicting emotions. They feel sad, isolated, frustrated. But they may also feel relieved, happy — that this a fresh start for them,” she said. “I think the Divorce Marketplace makes it less about what happened to you, and more about what you’re going to do with it.”

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