Three Ways Women Fail at Dating

On a recent episode of the weekly dating advice show Planet Love Match Radio, author and love stylist Tristan Coopersmith examined three of the most common mistakes single women make in their love lives. Coopersmith explained that the dating traps women fall into are: being unrealistic, sharing too much information too soon, and “fast-forward” dating.

Setting lofty, unrealistic goals has some single women feeling dating frustration. "I think the biggest mistake that women do in dating… and I blame Walt Disney for this, is looking for the fairytale, looking for Prince Charming," Coopersmith says. She adds that having a list of wants and needs is great; however, projecting a future that plays like a movie puts added pressure on a relationship that hasn’t even started yet. “Looking for perfection, it’s just not going to happen. Be realistic,” she states.

Employing her many years of experience, Coopersmith has found a distinctive approach to love. Working as a “love stylist” she is neither a matchmaker nor wing girl; more of a teacher and guide. She focuses on her clients’ own strengths, concentrating on getting them to let go of the baggage and learn positive dating techniques that will allow them to find happiness and love. Her overall approach is helping confused singles see their relationships through clear eyes. She runs a successful blog and has added author to her credentials with her book, “Menu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course.”

“Fast-forward” dating can be another mistake for some singles. "For example, a woman will be on a first date with a guy and it’s the second course… and she’s already calculating ’Could he be an awesome dad?’ ’I wonder if he’ll want to go to my cousin’s wedding next year?’ While all that the man is thinking is, ‘Has she drank enough to come home with me?’ I believe that the guy is much more realistic at that moment, because you don’t even know each other,” she states.

Coopersmith further contends that the projection of this “fast-forward” fantasy can lead to dating disillusionment. “Fast-forwarding is why I believe women get so disappointed – they’ve already married the guy,” she concludes.

Sharing an excessive amount of personal details is another error Coopersmith feels single women are making. While she believes that it is important for a love interest to get to know the real you over time, sharing too much at the beginning of a relationship can sabotage its initial growth.

“Women can come off as crazy," she explains. "You don’t want to share that you go to a therapist every week. Therapy is great, I’m studying it, it’s awesome, but you don’t need to put that out there on the first date."

She suggests that daters should talk about the movies, music, or places they might like to travel – things that everyone can relate to. “You always want to come off as nice and light, no one wants a second date with someone with lots of baggage," she finishes.

Er du sikker på du er klar til en tur til Cougar Town?

Desperately Seeking Meaning

Women come to me all the time for relationship advice, as I have been married three times (well, technically four -- I don’t count the annulment) and dated hundreds of men. I try to explain that this is not a badge of honor; if you want relationship advice, go to someone who married her college boyfriend and is still married to him 30 years later.

Be that as it may, there are many women out there who, at 50-something, are dipping a wary toe into the brave new world of online dating. Having spent the majority of the past two decades single and available, I watched online dating mature from “last resort of the desperate” to “harmless fun for married men” to “the road to romance in a high-tech world.” I assume this is an improvement, although I cannot guarantee it.

Fact is, once we’re out of college and increasingly out of the traditional workplace in favor of isolated home offices, there aren’t many other ways to meet men. I don’t know about you, but I’m just not out clubbing as much as I once was.

Here, then, is some hard-won wisdom and a few shards of jaded attitude. It is my experience that the internet dating code has become, in a word, codified. Back when we were buying expensive newsprint real estate (remember newsprint?) for the personals, it was all about abbreviations like SWF and BBW. Now it’s all in the translation.

Some of the code words are obvious: Cuddly = Fat. Searching for my Soulmate = Stalker. Some are more subtle. Here are a few of Ethlie’s Tips for Online Dating, Over 50 Edition.

1. First, check the stats. Deduct two inches from his height and $30,000/year from his stated income. Then add 10 years to his age. Women, by the way, usually only shave off five years. Men tend to be deluded about the youthfulness of their appearance. I blame shaving mirrors: If they can’t see the bald spot and beer belly, they assume you can’t, either.

2. Next, look at the photo itself. No photo means he’s either married or Quasimodo. Odds are he’s not Quasimodo. The headgear is your first tell. Unless he’s actually riding a horse, any man wearing a cowboy hat is bald. Also, do not expect him to go to a chick flick with you (any movie without explosions is a chick flick) or to cook indoors. If he’s wearing a cowboy hat and standing next to a truck, he’s bald and he drinks. If he’s wearing a cowboy hat and standing next to a Harley, he’s bald, drinks, and will cheat on you.

Unless he’s actually playing baseball, any man wearing a baseball cap is also bald. If he’s wearing a baseball cap, a sport coat and gym shoes, do not expect him to pick up the check.

3. If he’s posed next to a sports car, he is insecure about his manhood and will hit on your sister. If he’s posed next to a Hummer, he’s insecure about his manhood and will hit you. If he’s in a motorboat, expect a commitment-phobe. If he’s in a sailboat, expect a neat freak -- unless it’s a catamaran, in which case send him over to me.

4. Next, look at the way he describes himself. If he’s a “good listener,” he’s a wimp; you’ll be choosing the restaurant. If he’s “down to earth,” he’s cheap; you’ll be going Dutch. If he’s “a great kisser,” he’s oversexed; expect to fight him off after dinner.

5. “Adventurous” means kinky. “Sensual” means kinky. “Open-minded” means kinky. “Worldly” means kinky. “Sophisticated” means kinky. “Kinky” means not only is he kinky, but he overshares.

6. “Wants to spoil you” means he’s looking for someone his daughter’s age, D-cup or better. “Generous” means he’s looking for someone younger than his daughter, DD-cup or better. “Outdoorsy” means he doesn’t own a good suit. “Athletic” means he spends his Sundays in front of the television. So does “I’m not the kind of guy who spends his Sundays in front of the television.”

7. Watch out in particular for buzzwords that men think women like. “A gentleman” is a misogynist in a dress shirt. “A romantic” is a serial dater with a bouquet. “Spiritual” means he can barely earn enough to feed himself. And “sensitive”... well, sensitive means he isn’t really looking for someone like you. He’s really looking for someone like him. You know, someone with a penis.

Miten houkutella naisia

How Important Is Physical Attraction In A Relationship?

Imagine you meet the guy or girl of your dreams. This person is funny, smart, likes the same things as you and is the biggest sweetheart ever. Only catch? They’re kind of lacking in the looks department. Do you let your lack of physical attraction ruin the relationship… Or does it not matter to you?

Basically, we’re asking: are looks important? Is physical attraction a huge part of a relationship, or is that just superficial? We saw this topic in the gURL.com message boards, and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Read what these girls had to say about looks in a relationship, and then let us know what you think.

silver44 said:

How important would you girls say physical attraction is in a relationship? I know a guy who wants to date me, and he’s perfect other than the fact that I’m just not physically attracted to him.

(L)iveYourLife replied and said:

I couldn’t date somebody who I wasn’t physically attracted to. Looks matter, and sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Keep looking and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t meet your standards!

luckybiatch replied and said:

It’s important and I do agree with the above gURLS, however when I first met my boyfriend, I wasn’t necessarily physically attracted to him. I believe girls, including me at the time, have standards higher held than girls in the past would, because of how media is portraying beauty. The more I got to know my boyfriend, the more physically attractive he became in my eyes. Not even a short while after beginning to date, I found him sexy and handsome (and his attractiveness just increases even to this day). So I believe even though you’re not physically attracted to this guy, I bet if you give it time, you might actually become more attracted. In my opinion, the personality of an individual makes them better looking. Looks can only last so long (we all age), but personality lasts a lifetime.

So what do we think? The fact is, no matter how shallow it sounds, physical attraction is important in a relationship. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t date someone unless they’re a male model… All it means is that you have to be a little attracted to the person in order for there to be sexual chemistry.

That being said, luckybiatch is exactly right when she said that the personality of a person makes them better looking. If a guy doesn’t look exactly how you want him to but his personality is amazing, you’re going to find him attractive no matter what. In the end, a relationship is about a strong emotional and physical attraction – with an emphasis on the emotional.

Does Age Matter?

I had a conversation with a friend over lunch in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s okay to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties.

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce, he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship.

Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Just because someone has the same life experiences as you, it doesn’t mean he/she has the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences -- and that can apply to how he treats sex and intimacy matters too.

After I dated Junior, I tested the waters by dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different Manimal species (including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only put into the category called “Excessive Talk about Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules”).

During this period I realized once again that despite sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” And when you’re not on the same page, entering an intimate relationship in the post-divorce stage can complicate things even more.

Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes and dislikes. It also creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, regardless of whether you want to have them as a romantic partner. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while due to divorce, it’s okay to play the field a bit as you “practice” dating -- but remember that “dating” and “intimacy” aren’t interchangeable.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he’s “really mature” or texts you at 11:30 p.m. asking, “Where you at?”

These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner.

It really is fun to realize you can attract younger men and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but it’s critical to recognize that its value is just that: a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew what I was looking for was a more holistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and someone who lived in Los Angeles. I’m now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than I am.

Of course there are times when I wonder if he’ll be attracted to me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles, or if it really does matter that I’ve let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I’m centered and come from a place of self-love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me: the good parts, the parts that are works in progress, and the woman who “looks good for 40-plus.”

Which brings me to the most important lesson of all: Instead of focusing on the number, determine your values, decide what you’re looking for in a partner, and then decide if the person matches your values, your maturity, and your vision for a partner. This is far more important than the digits on their driver’s license.

Proč byste neměli nechat zastrašit atraktivní ženy

What Men Want!

It takes 20 minutes or less for most singles to decide if they want to see you again after the first date.

“If they just kept talking and talking and talking about nothing interesting, I wouldn’t call them back,” says one man.

“Definitely don’t want to meet someone on the first night and find out their family is crazy,” another man says.

“We don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriend and all the horrible or fantastic things that he did for you. We want you to be interested in us and what we’re going to do for you,” another man adds.

What else do they want? Dating expert Sharan Richardson of It’s Just Lunch says a woman with a nice smile tops a recent survey.

“The other thing that might surprise ladies is they do not care for plastic surgery,” says Richardson.

First dates are about leaving your best impression, so leave the negativity at home.

“Resist the urge to talk about on the first date how you hate your boss or negative things,” warns Richardson.

Instead, keep things positive and sincere. “Like a nice sincere compliment really breaks the ice and you know what, be a little bit vulnerable so that person feels comfortable opening up as well,” says Richardson.

Once you’re past date one, there are a few things men wish you knew to navigate dates two and beyond. “It’s okay for you to be a woman. It’s okay to let me open the door for you. Let me pay for a meal you know,” says Brian says.

“They try to make things way too complicated,” Dave adds.

“Just give us our space,” says Ryan.

And while many men do like the thrill of the chase.

“If they have to go on a safari just to get your attention, you’re making them work too hard. If you’re waiting three days to return their phone calls and playing little games like that, I don’t suggest that,” Richardson said.

“Most men probably just put on a front for the most part. Most of them are nice guys deep down inside. We’re just looking for someone we can trust, loyalty, honesty those types of things,” explains Chris.

Know too that good relationships take time.

“Don’t try to force it and don’t try to move too fast. You know don’t go on a great date and stop looking at other people and stop meeting other people. Because you don’t know where that’s going to go,” says Richardson.

A new University of Texas study finds the more attractive the woman, the more a man thinks she is interested in him, while women, on the other hand, often underestimate men’s desire for them.

Before you go on a first date it is important to ask yourself what you are looking to gain out of the date. It is also a good idea to keep communication open with your date and gauge out what they are looking for without being too forward.

First impressions are especially important on a first date, so make sure you are well groomed and well dressed. Most girls still appreciate chivalry so guys be prepared to pay. Smiling and having a good attitude will also make the date more comfortable and enjoyable for both parties.

Verbinding via conversatie

Cofounder Of New Dating Site Says The Key Is Social

Di Huang, the 24-year-old co-founded the dating website SoWink (www.sowink.com), which launched in December.

What is the difference between SoWink and other dating websites? With Match or eHarmony, they’re traditional dating sites, based on a matchmaking system. We’re trying to socialize the entire experience by having user engagement through our platform. We have a lot of social elements, unlike other dating sites, where the idea is to message back and forth. The first and foremost thing is we don’t do long profiles like you’d find elsewhere.

Who is SoWink intended for? We have a specific demographic: 18- to 35-year-olds, college graduates and young professionals. You have to do a Facebook verification or have a dot-edu email to verify. Primarily, it will be for people who are single, looking for someone to date. The site is not geared toward marriage; it’s for dating. It’s for people who are new to the area and are looking for friends and looking to meet new people.

Where is SoWink available? Right now, it’s limited by geolocations, focused to the San Francisco Bay Area extending to Davis and Santa Cruz. We’re expanding location to location instead of competing on a large scale immediately.

Eine neue Studie findet fast ein Viertel der Paare Met Online

Dating Site Lets You Virtually Court Your Fantasy Mate

Remember Cloud Girlfriend, that mysterious startup we covered whose tagline was, “The best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one”? Well, it’s finally launched, and we’ve got invites.

The initial conceit of the site, according to founder David Fuhriman, was that it would employ a legion of women to write on men’s walls as “cloud girlfriends,” demonstrating a dude’s popularity to all of his female friends (who would apparently fly into jealous rages over the digital flirting and pounce #SarcMark).

The current iteration of the site is a bit different — what Fuhriman describes as a mix between Match.com and Second Life. Users log in through Facebook and create a profile using a selection of headshots of attractive people (not their own snaps). They then fill out a rather simplistic profile, which allows one to choose between such options as “Books or Movies” (what if you like both?), “Lady Gaga or Lady Di?” (for women only — and there’s no sexual preference options) and “Sunday Church or Sunday Football” (for dudes — apparently it’s church or sports, no in-between).

After looking through a bunch of photos of fake people and their accompanying profiles, you can choose someone to chat with. “We allow people to define their ideal self, find their perfect girlfriend or boyfriend and connect and interact as if that person existed,” Fuhriman says. “It can help in learning how to manage a real relationship, and they then can take it into the real world.” The site makes money by selling virtual gifts and goods.

While we admire Fuhriman’s intentions — he hopes that the site will build confidence and increase sharing and communication (he’s also co-founder of volunteer site 5000Hands) — the whole thing seems a little counterintuitive to us.

By choosing photos that are not, in fact you, the idea could be perceived to be that looks don’t matter. But if that is, in fact, the case, why choose a photo of someone much more attractive than you are in reality when looking to score a date?

The words “ideal” and “perfect” are inherently dangerous when applied to dating and relationships (as rarely anyone is either) — in fact, a recent study by dating site OKCupid shows that women who are more divisive (a.k.a. men find them either ugly or hot) get more attention. Why? Because they let their personality — along with what could be perceived as flaws — shine through.

Why build all your hopes on fantasy when you could get to know a more interesting — albeit flawed — reality?

Still, I guess we can’t really knock it wholly till we try it. Cloud Girlfriend has provided us with 500 invite codes (use the code “mashable”) for men looking to join the site. Apparently, women can join sans code, since the site was initially marketed toward men.

האם אתה דייטינג מתעלל?

Divorcees Find Love, Recommend Online Dating

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love, get married and live happily ever after.

In today’s world, the realities of your typical fairy-tale romance tend to be a bit more complex.

It can be hard to find Prince Charming, especially for someone who has other responsibilities like work, school and children, and for someone who doesn’t have the social structure to meet new people easily.

Sarah Clark, of Creve Coeur, Ill., knows this firsthand. The 42-year-old is twice divorced and the mother of two small children, 8-year-old Joshua and 6-year-old Lydia.

The bar scene isn’t really her thing, and she said meeting people at church can sometimes be like meeting people at work — if it doesn’t work out, you still have to interact with that person regularly, so it might be a better idea to avoid the situation to begin with.

But where does that leave today’s singles? Apparently, with technology.

More and more single men and women are turning to the Internet to help them find true love. In today’s world, it’s possible to trade the awkward pick-me-up lines for an in-depth survey that lets the computer decide who is compatible.

That’s how Clark met her fiance, 47-year-old Mark Parshall, using the matchmaking website eHarmony. Smiling and settling in to tell their story, the couple laughs about who will go first.

“He tells it so much better,” Clark said.

“They had a free online communication weekend with eHarmony,” said Parshall, who is also twice divorced and the father of two children, 17-year-old Coy and 15-year-old Sara.

“Sarah (Clark) put a thing on there that she wanted to communicate, so I responded back to her,” Parshall said.

The free communication weekend allows users to communicate with their computer-generated matches without paying membership fee. Both Clark and Parshall had been paying members of the site over the past few years — Parshall had just paid for a three-month membership when he met Clark.

“She already knew my age, that I lived in Chillicothe (Ill.), that I was divorced,” Parshall said. “It was Valentine’s weekend, and open communication was coming to an end, so Sarah said if you want to keep contacting me, here’s my email address. It wasn’t long after that we started talking on the telephone, and I would say within two weeks later we met at Red Lobster ... and then we’ve been dating for a little over a year.”

Clark also had an advantage in getting to know Parshall because of the extensive survey eHarmony users are required to fill out when they join.

“They do a really good job of screening out people that would not be a match or would not be a long-term, committed relationship,” Clark said. “The key to it is being honest with your answers.

“You have to decide between what you strongly like and need to have in a relationship versus what you dislike. Values stuff, sense of humor, communication, affectionate. To me, that is where it was at –– the fact that we were so similar in our likes and dislikes,” Clark said.

Clark had used a few other dating websites over the course of about three years and had even gone out with about six other men she met through eHarmony. Parshall had also used other sites, and he has been out with three or four other women.

“Some, you go, and they’re totally different than what they say they are,” Parhsall said. “I’d rather not even have a picture than to have somebody say they’re ‘this’ when they’re totally different. The big thing is you have to be honest with each other. If at the very beginning you can’t be honest with me, how am I ever going to trust you later?”

Both Clark and Parshall admit not everyone looking for love on the Internet has the same goal for a long-term, committed relationship.

“If you’re just looking to have fun, there are sites geared toward that. You just have to be honest,” Clark said.

They also both know people who have fallen victim to online scams. Although online dating may seem very modern, there are some parts of it that are the same as any kind of dating.

Using the communication tools on the website, couples are able to ask questions back and forth in a sort of interview process. There is also the ability to “close” the match, which — just as in dating without a computer — a person can do with or without explanation.

“It’s a human being on the other side of that coin,” Clark said. “What I’m saying is, if you want people to be considerate to you, how can you not be considerate to somebody else? I tried to be an adult about it, and if I wasn’t interested, I told them I wasn’t interested.”

“When we first met, I just wanted friendship because of my schooling,” Clark said of Parshall. “There was a lot of persuasion on his part.”

But Clark said she knew the relationship could go further when she realized she and Parshall share the same spiritual beliefs and he was interested in going to church with her.

The couple got engaged a year after they first met online and are planning to get married on Clark’s birthday, June 23, 2012.

Without the Internet, they both say they would be “just still looking” for true love, and they’d recommend anyone who is still looking to give online dating a try.

“I think the big thing is they have to know what they want, and they plan on being honest,” Parshall said. “If they aren’t honest, and they don’t know what they want, they might as well not even waste their time.”