Does Age Matter?

I had a conversation with a friend over lunch in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s okay to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties.

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce, he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship.

Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Just because someone has the same life experiences as you, it doesn’t mean he/she has the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences -- and that can apply to how he treats sex and intimacy matters too.

After I dated Junior, I tested the waters by dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different Manimal species (including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only put into the category called “Excessive Talk about Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules”).

During this period I realized once again that despite sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” And when you’re not on the same page, entering an intimate relationship in the post-divorce stage can complicate things even more.

Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes and dislikes. It also creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, regardless of whether you want to have them as a romantic partner. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while due to divorce, it’s okay to play the field a bit as you “practice” dating -- but remember that “dating” and “intimacy” aren’t interchangeable.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he’s “really mature” or texts you at 11:30 p.m. asking, “Where you at?”

These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner.

It really is fun to realize you can attract younger men and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but it’s critical to recognize that its value is just that: a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew what I was looking for was a more holistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and someone who lived in Los Angeles. I’m now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than I am.

Of course there are times when I wonder if he’ll be attracted to me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles, or if it really does matter that I’ve let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I’m centered and come from a place of self-love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me: the good parts, the parts that are works in progress, and the woman who “looks good for 40-plus.”

Which brings me to the most important lesson of all: Instead of focusing on the number, determine your values, decide what you’re looking for in a partner, and then decide if the person matches your values, your maturity, and your vision for a partner. This is far more important than the digits on their driver’s license.

Proč byste neměli nechat zastrašit atraktivní ženy

Modern Dating, Decoded

I hate cuddling and I have a new dislike for Hallmark holidays such as Valentine’s Day and anniversaries. My new found hatred of these holidays can be rivaled only by the plague. Let’s just say I don’t do commitment right now. The most committal thing in my life is my dog. I had a hard enough time signing a phone contract last month.

Yeah, I sound like the 2012 post-modern woman. I don’t do attachment -- just a casual hook up with stellar “direct” communication. I’ll tell you exactly what I want and how I want it. I’ve got my own thing going and the last thing I want is the unspeakable “relationship” word to come up.

But I talk a big game and I don’t really know if I can back it up. I’m fresh out of a seven-year relationship. Although “relationship” really doesn’t capture what we had. I’d say life partner, but that doesn’t quite fit, either. For all intents and purposes, we were married. Had we decided to settle in another state, we would have been common-law wed. No rings, no proposals. But we shared a life together: a house, a dog, a motor vehicle. And coming from parents who divorced and remarried twice, this was a huge deal for me. I always said I would either never get married or never get divorced. So far, it looks like option one is my calling.

So, how do you transition into the dating scene after being off the market for so long? At 29, dating is a lot different than 21. Without the comfort of college where you meet new people daily and your stock options in the opposite sex change every quarter, you actually have to venture into new avenues for eligible bachelors.

In a post-online dating society where people are burned out on Match or e-Harmony and you are constantly inundated with social networking, I think single folks have lost the art of communicating in a less tech-savvy way. Vetting an interested party requires only the click of a mouse and stalking Facebook timelines.

Texting brings up a whole other host of insecurities. This informal mode of communication allows us to be impersonal and try to interpret what the other party is thinking or saying via a text message. What I like to refer to as a backdoor mode of communication has tested my confidence on multiple occasions to the point that a deadening 90-minute hot yoga class was the only thing that could get my mind off compulsively checking my phone.

It really sucks to wait for a text message from someone you’re not even supposed to like. And what do you do when you don’t get a response in the timeframe you feel you should? Do you casually bring it up in conversation, “So, I noticed you didn’t respond the other day.” Yeah, right. The desperation might as well be written on my forehead. But it’s so much easier to text than pick up the line -- so much less personal and the possibility of rejection doesn’t seem quite as bad because it’s simply characters on a large smart phone screen.

And when you actually do go on a date, how do you judge the social cues when your date’s phone is treated like a child? What does it mean when he discreetly checks for emails or text messages? Is the conversation bad? Are my boobs not big enough? Is there spinach in my front teeth?

While I think that being connected constantly can be a great thing, there are some serious drawbacks when you throw dating in the mix. Maybe it’s just that I grew up in an era when cell phones were the size of a large block of cheese and pagers were cool. “Hey, is that a pager on your hip, or are you just happy to see me?” And I’m not saying that I don’t embrace technology -- I now sport an iPhone, have a blog and even know how to hashtag on Twitter. It’s just that I question if we realize how much it impacts our lives, especially interpersonal relationships in the dating realm.

In order to avoid this world of confusion with the intersection of technology, dating and the unknown, I figured I’d stick to a “safe” candidate -- a specific man, a friend, who had recently gone through a breakup of his own. The man I chose was also someone who didn’t exactly fit into my “type” whatever that was; I lost track over the last decade. Let’s just say his extracurricular activities are not training for a half marathon, more like marathon of “Half Baked” and “Dude, Where’s my Car.” While we have a quasi-commitment with sexual fidelity, we don’t share any other intimacies. We drew up two important rules at the beginning of this affair: No sleepovers and no canoodling. The intention of this setup was supposed to help me be an empowered woman (of course I decided this purpose on my own accord, but he would be the lucky participant).

In this situation, I could initiate a rendezvous and I could kick him out afterward. I could also use him to re-establish my sexual prowess. I could explore things that I always dared to do in my old relationship but didn’t. And it was just casual. No relationship. No arguing over walking the dog or dirty dishes.

The established rules we set up a couple of months ago over a cup of coffee in the late afternoon on an unusually warm winter day have not been broken. But ironically, what I thought I wanted most out of him -- the security of being with a partner whom I trusted and felt comfortable with as I re-adjusted into the dating world, has changed. The things I thought I would miss the least (the snuggling, breakfast the next morning or the lazy nap you slip into after a nice afternoon delight) are precisely the things I realize I miss the most.

En kvinnlig vän

Whites Prefer Dating Whites Online

U.S. whites prefer to date members of their own race, while blacks are more likely to cross the racial barrier to find romance, researchers suggest.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, analyzed the racial preferences and online activity of 1 million profiles of U.S. singles looking for love online at a major Internet dating service from 2009 to 2010.

The online dating service asked subscribers if they wanted to date only within their race, or if they preferred someone outside their race, or if they were open to dating someone of any race.

Lead author Gerald Mendelsohn and colleagues say they compared the online daters’ stated preferences with the people they actually contacted.

“Those who said they were indifferent to the race of a partner were most likely to be young, male and black,” Mendelsohn says in a statement.

“Whites more than blacks, women more than men and old more than young participants stated a preference for a partner of the same race.”

More than 80 percent of the whites contacted whites and fewer than 5 percent contacted blacks — a disparity that held for young and older participants.

Las almas gemelas Dating Service

Women Like Dating Men Having Multiple Affairs

Here’s your license to flirt more. A startling new study from the University of Texas, Austin has found that women have a special liking for men having multiple flings with other women rather than having a homosexual affair.

At the same time, men are twice as likely to forgive female partners who cheat them for a lesbian partner rather than cheating them for another man.

According the study findings, published in the journal ’Personality and Individual Differences,’ men are okay with their female partner’s infidelity, unless and until it’s for another girl. However, women are less likely to forgive and forget their boyfriends who dump them for another guy.

The study provides a new insight into the psychological adaptation behind men and women’s desire for a sexual partner. While men desire a variety of partners, women long for a deep commitment in relationships.

“A robust jealousy mechanism is activated in men and women by different types of cues those that threaten paternity in men and those that threaten abandonment in women,” said Jaime Confer, lead author of the study and a doctoral candidate in evolutionary psychology.

Study particulars

In order to reach the study findings, Confer along with her father, Mark Cloud, a psychology professor at Lock Haven University in Pennsylvania, conducted a study.

For this purpose, they assessed 700 collegians and asked them to imagine if they were in a committed sexual and romantic relationship with someone for three months. The participants were then asked how they would react to their partner’s infidelity.

While some participants were told that their partners were unfaithful with another man, others were told that their partners cheated them for another woman. Likewise, some were told that their partner had one affair, others were told they had multiple affairs.

Study findings

Regardless of the number of partners or number of flings, it was found that men were 50 percent more likely to continue dating women involved in a homosexual relationship, and 22 percent more likely to date a woman who dumped him for another man.

Conversely, women showed a 28 percent likelihood of dating men who have had heterosexual relationships, and 21 percent likelihood of staying with men who had a homosexual affair.

Ms Confer added, “These findings are even more remarkable given that homosexuality attitude surveys show men have more negative attitudes toward homosexuality and to be less supportive of civil rights for same-sex couples than women.”

“However, this general trend of men showing lower tolerance for homosexuality than women is reversed in the one fitness-enhancing situationfemale homosexuality.”

Researchers explain that such a behavior might exist because men view women who are capable of catering to other woman’s needs as more sexually desirable.

“Such an affair may be seen as a sign of dissatisfaction with the current relationship and a prelude to possible abandonment.” Participants were also asked the outcomes of real-life infidelity experiences.

“Results mirrored those of the imagined infidelity scenarios with men significantly more likely than women to have ended their actual relationships following a partner’s heterosexual affair,” she concluded.

Octopus Sex mer sofistikert enn Arm-Wrestling

9 Things Happy Couples Talk About

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds talk about ideas; small minds talk about people. What do you and your significant other talk about? If you constantly hit the heavy stuff, you’re probably happier than if you spend time gossiping about your neighbors or coworkers.

A recent study published in Psychological Science says that people are happier when they spend more time discussing meaningful topics than engaging in small talk. Seventy-nine college students had their conversations recorded and analyzed by researchers, who distinguished between chit-chat about the food or the weather and discussions about philosophy, education, or religion. Subjects who reported the greatest amount of satisfaction spent only 10 percent of their conversation on small talk, while the unhappiest subjects kept 28.3 percent of their talking time in the shallow end.

Among the scores of substantive topics people discuss, we’ve come up with nine that we believe couples should relish during heart-to-hearts:

1. Embarrassing moments. If you can’t share the awkward, “American Pie”-worthy moments that occurred throughout high school with your partner, who can you tell them to? Don’t be afraid to broach the subject, if you haven’t already. We wouldn’t be surprised if their stories are more horrifying than yours.

2. Political viewpoints. How do you feel about the new healthcare bill? You don’t have to agree with each other, but you do need to keep an open mind. A good relationship allows both parties to discuss their own philosophies without taking the opposition personally.

3. Fears and insecurities. By fears, we don’t mean your phobia of earthworms. We’re talking about things that make you wake up with gray hairs. What worries you? What do you want to improve in yourself? What skeletons are in your closet? In being vulnerable, you risk judgment, but more importantly, you chance being understood.

4. Childhood. Ask your partner what he or she was like as a kid. Did she make friends easily? What kind of games did he like to play? Did he have trouble in school? Childhood memories make for fun conversations, but they can also lend insight into how your main squeeze became the person he or she is today.

5. Past relationships. This is a touchy one because no one wants to hear the person they’re with spouting sonnets about an ex. There is, of course, a difference between longing for (or being bitter over) the past and simply acknowledging what happened. With enough practice, seasoned, happy couples learn how to address why past relationships ended without inadvertently comparing their current partner to an old flame.

6. Family life. Knowing a person’s upbringing and relationship with his or her parents is paramount to understanding his current attitude toward family. If you’re even slightly contemplating a future with this person, it might help to ask how well they get along with their parents. Why does she resent her mother? Why is he closer to his sisters than to his brothers? How does she handle family gatherings?

7. Current events. Thanks to the overflow of information, it’s nearly impossible to stay up-to-date on everything going on around us. Here’s where teamwork comes into play: Ask your partner about his interests, be they economics or regional politics, and see if you can’t learn a thing or two. Who knows, maybe you’ll help him develop an interest in international affairs or science news.

8. TV and movies. Compared to politics and personal fears, entertainment might seem pretty shallow, but discussions about movies can fall into the “deep” category if you focus on character motivations and plots rather than on, say, the cute leading actors.

9. The future. Talking about the future can be nerve-wracking. While we’re not saying you should pressure your partner into talking about plans for marriage and children, we do believe that you should know their dreams, goals, and aspirations. What is he working toward? What drives her to succeed? Where does he see himself in five years? Someone who desires growth and is not afraid of the unknown is surely dynamic enough to deserve you.