Dating and Relating

Things happen very fast in the current generation. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, there is a good reason why top chefs do not prepare elegant meals in a microwave. Clearly one of our issues on campus is the sometimes frantic pace with which we build relationships. There is no one to blame for the demise of the dating ritual on this campus. It is what it is. In my curiosity to understand why men and women have abdicated ownership of this social norm, I engaged ten students (5 women; 5 men) in single-sex conversations about their opinions around this issue. Although I cannot extrapolate these comments to all men and women on campus, this is what I discovered.

The women I talked with were unanimous in their belief that the Notre Dame environment is packed with pressure. They described the pressure to look a certain way (hair done, make-up on, never wear sweats) and to behave a certain way. “You always have to look as good as possible. Men talk about putting on their ‘ND goggles.’ I know a lot of beautiful girls on campus so I don’t understand how the men here can think that all of us are ugly.”

There is a belief that this creates an environment where women are willing to take any attention they can get from men, hook-up or otherwise. They compete against Notre Dame women out of the classroom and Notre Dame men in the classroom. “And we can’t forget about the pressure added by the presence of St. Mary’s students. You are fighting so much already, that the pressure really gets to you.” Some of the women said they felt stuck and wondered if coming to Notre Dame was a mistake. Others have decided to place relationship formation on hold, to wait until they leave Notre Dame to pursue this portion of life.

The women also talked explicitly about the dining hall as a source of stress and judgement. Whether it is the men who “moo” at those who get fro-yo, or the other women who meticulously watch what your plate looks like, the dining halls have contributed to a negative atmosphere where women don’t feel valued.

Many of the frustrations the men talked about revolved around the perennial issue of parietals. It is noted, however, that not every man interviewed had a negative view of this Notre Dame tradition. They also commented that differing expectations about the college experience is part of the problem. They believe that many women come to Notre Dame looking for committed relationships and others hope to achieve the coveted “ring by spring.” The men used the term “American Pie” to describe what the typical college man expected.

All the guys I talked with agreed with the notion that women have some pressure to always look good/perfect. They believe, however, that much of this pressure is either self-induced or imposed on women by other women. They also commented that when a woman receives a negative comment about her apparel, she may have the tendency to inflate the importance of that comment. In the end, they admitted that how a woman dresses does impact their impression of her, but added that the same is probably true from the other side.

Some of the men agreed with the notion that it might be better to wait until after college to focus on relationships. One stated that doing this now makes “girls panicky and guys frustrated.” One young man said eloquently that “doing a relationship the right way is not easy. It takes a great deal of effort and I would rather focus my attention on making sure my academics are in order. If you can get involved and do it the right way, go for it. But typically once two people get involved, it is only then that they realize how involved the process is.” In terms of waiting on romance, one young man commented that, “good things come to patient people.” Other common frustrations guys experience on campus include women who are “jersey chasers,” being trapped in the friend zone and the fact that when a certain type of athlete shows up at a party the game is over.

From what I can surmise, the issues presented here, while serious, are not insurmountable. It will just take authentic and honest communication. To that end I am inviting the ten individuals that offered their opinions for this editorial to join me for a meeting of the minds and some great food. This extended conversation will be the first of many and the topic of a future column. Until then talk to your friends about what you have read and decide if these comments ring true for you. I look forward to seeing you at the Notre Dating program tonight at 7 p.m. in Legends.

What Men Want!

It takes 20 minutes or less for most singles to decide if they want to see you again after the first date.

“If they just kept talking and talking and talking about nothing interesting, I wouldn’t call them back,” says one man.

“Definitely don’t want to meet someone on the first night and find out their family is crazy,” another man says.

“We don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriend and all the horrible or fantastic things that he did for you. We want you to be interested in us and what we’re going to do for you,” another man adds.

What else do they want? Dating expert Sharan Richardson of It’s Just Lunch says a woman with a nice smile tops a recent survey.

“The other thing that might surprise ladies is they do not care for plastic surgery,” says Richardson.

First dates are about leaving your best impression, so leave the negativity at home.

“Resist the urge to talk about on the first date how you hate your boss or negative things,” warns Richardson.

Instead, keep things positive and sincere. “Like a nice sincere compliment really breaks the ice and you know what, be a little bit vulnerable so that person feels comfortable opening up as well,” says Richardson.

Once you’re past date one, there are a few things men wish you knew to navigate dates two and beyond. “It’s okay for you to be a woman. It’s okay to let me open the door for you. Let me pay for a meal you know,” says Brian says.

“They try to make things way too complicated,” Dave adds.

“Just give us our space,” says Ryan.

And while many men do like the thrill of the chase.

“If they have to go on a safari just to get your attention, you’re making them work too hard. If you’re waiting three days to return their phone calls and playing little games like that, I don’t suggest that,” Richardson said.

“Most men probably just put on a front for the most part. Most of them are nice guys deep down inside. We’re just looking for someone we can trust, loyalty, honesty those types of things,” explains Chris.

Know too that good relationships take time.

“Don’t try to force it and don’t try to move too fast. You know don’t go on a great date and stop looking at other people and stop meeting other people. Because you don’t know where that’s going to go,” says Richardson.

A new University of Texas study finds the more attractive the woman, the more a man thinks she is interested in him, while women, on the other hand, often underestimate men’s desire for them.

Before you go on a first date it is important to ask yourself what you are looking to gain out of the date. It is also a good idea to keep communication open with your date and gauge out what they are looking for without being too forward.

First impressions are especially important on a first date, so make sure you are well groomed and well dressed. Most girls still appreciate chivalry so guys be prepared to pay. Smiling and having a good attitude will also make the date more comfortable and enjoyable for both parties.

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Dating Advice for Men Looking for Love

Love is the most powerful emotion in existence, yet some men just keep on making the same old relationship and dating mistakes that prevents them from finding that one true love. Learning how to avoid dating pitfalls by trying new strategies can help a man find that special woman he is looking for. These dating tips for men will help men gain a better perspective on a few dating insights that all women talk about, but rarely admit.

First Impressions are Important to women

Men looking for love need to make a good first impression as it is critical in gaining a woman’s interest. There will always be shallow girls who go out with guys based solely on looks and material possessions such as cars, and money. However, quality ladies are really looking for a guy with a great character, who takes care of his appearance, and has a lot to offer intellectually. However, an investment in a good haircut and a nice wardrobe should not be discounted. Girls like a guy in casual jeans just as much as they do a guy in a suit and tie. Dress appropriately for the date, and save that faded weekend shirt and old jeans for hanging out with the guys.

If a date includes having a lady over to the house or apartment, make sure the place is clean. This may seem like a no-brainer, but there are really two kinds of men – messy men, and clean men. The man who’s neat and clean lets a woman know that he cares about his home, and would potentially make a good love interest. The messy house sends the message that any potential girlfriend will eventually be doing a lot of laundry and scrubbing if she sticks around, and she’s likely to run and never look back after only one visit. If it takes hiring a maid to keep the ol’ bachelor pad neat and tidy, do it. It’s the easiest step a guy can take in making a good first impression of his home.

Physical fitness and athleticism is attractive to women. A guy doesn’t have to be a superstar athlete with a body builder physique; however, an active guy who takes care of himself is a lot more attractive to a woman than a guy who sits around eating chips and drinking soda all day. Take a few extra steps to engage in physical activity each day whether it is walking, biking, hiking, and running, doing a few crunches or working around the house. Remember, muscles are sexy!

If picking the date up, remember to provide a lady with a clean car to ride in for the date. Many women have complained about getting in to a guy’s car only to get dog hair on her clothes, or to accidentally bump into the side of the car and get dirt on her dress. For first impression’s sake, make sure the car is washed and properly vacuumed.

Finally, try to relax and be at ease while on the date. An early afternoon workout may help reduce any pre-date jitters. Remember to smile, and have fun. Humor and laughter are incredibly attractive to women, and ladies will pick up on their date’s confidence, and will probably have a great time as well.

Dating Guide for Men on Where to Meet Women

One tricky aspect of dating is finding a nice girl with a good career with the potential to be a love interest. Well, this is easier said than done, but here are a few places to meet nice women that most men overlook. Sure, the cute waitress or sexy girl at the bar might be fun, but for girlfriend material, try looking in these places:

Gym – Many women with careers visit the gym in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Busy women tend to try to fit physical fitness into their schedule and often join co-ed gyms for the sake of exercising and possibly meeting someone nice also.

Community and Social Mixers – Active women in communities take the time to contribute to the fabric of their cities and towns they live in. They volunteer, attend, and take part in their local chamber of commerce. Wine and art festival, as as well as community spirit building events are great places to meet women.

Bank or Customer Service Jobs – Women like to work in jobs were they feel they have career mobility, and where they interact with customers. For men who do most of their banking online, perhaps going into the bank once in a while could put guys in contact with career-minded women. However, guys need to approach this method of meeting women with caution as they don’t want to seem like a creep. So guys, please keep your cool and be respectful.

Philanthropic Organizations – Socially minded women who are active in their community often volunteer for charitable organizations. Men who volunteer alongside women have opportunities to support communities and perhaps foster and build new friendships.

Online Dating – Many dating sites like Match.com or eHarmony dating are good resources in making connections with similar interests. Simply create a profile sharing some interesting facts and details, and upload a few photos. Many sites are free to join, and offer the opportunity for guys to get over the shyness of approaching new women.

Online Dating Advice for Men

There is a competitive aspect to online dating. Quality women do get multiple offers from men online, and they have the opportunity to date several men at once. So it’s best to keep online dating a casual, yet friendly experience. Try not to get too wrapped up in just talking to one lady. Date multiple girls, but limit the dates to girls who are relationship prospects instead of going out with every girl possible. Eventually, a decent guy is sure to make a meaningful connection with a nice lady. Here’s a few more tips on creating a compelling online dating profile:

Create Interest in an Online Profile – share a fun experience or hobby. Include information about your career and interests while trying to remain somewhat vague about your income level. For income level, it’s best to give a range for the sake of warding off the gold-diggers.

Share Details about Ideal Partner – Remember this is an ad soliciting friendship so a guy needs to appeal to the qualities in a woman that he’s looking for, but try not to be too unrealistic or demanding.

Spelling and Grammar – Check for spelling and grammar errors before the profile is published. This can be a huge turn-off for women.

Get an Opinion – It’s always good to get a sister’s or trusted friend’s opinion about the profile, and to point out a few more interesting details that can be added to the profile.

Be Honest – Try not to overexagerate in the profile. Use a recent picture, and promote your relationship status accurately. The truth will eventually come out, and women want to know a guy is who he says he is.

Relationship advice for men

The best dating advice for men is to try to create a good first impression, but to keep it real. Keep a positive outlook on the dating experience, and try to go to places that quality women would go to such as the gym, philanthropic or charitable events. Also go to community events where women are likely to attend such as wine fests and craft fairs.

Finally, turn to online dating sites such as Match.com or eHarmony to search for that special someone. One in five dating relationships begins from meeting online. Create an impressive, yet honest profile, and keep it casual. Love will happen with patience and a good attitude.

The Dating Aim

By Meredith Goad

Did you know that if you send a quick thank-you e-mail after a first date, the guy is not likely to ask you out again — even though he says he appreciates such gestures?

And ladies, be aware that your date is quietly sizing you up as a potential future mother for his children. But don’t you dare bring up the idea that you might want kids someday, or he’s outta there.

Men often talk about how complicated women are. Well, pot — meet kettle.

These are just a couple of the insights that Rachel Greenwald, a dating coach and matchmaker from Denver, pried from male brains during 1,000 “exit interviews” with guys who never called their dates back.

Greenwald has written two books on dating. The first, “Find a Husband After 35: Using What I Learned in Harvard Business School,” became an international best-seller that was translated into 23 languages. The latest, “Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love Or Never Call Back” (Three Rivers Press, $14.99), contains dating advice that’s not always what you want to hear, but is guaranteed to open your eyes.

Greenwald, 46, was born and raised in Denver, but lived in Boston for 12 years, where she attended Wellesley College and Harvard Business School. She spends her summers in Old Orchard Beach, where her grandparents once owned a motel and her mother now has a home.

Greenwald is married and has three children, ages 9, 13 and 15. She and her husband are about to celebrate their 18th anniversary as they do every year — with a nice dinner in a Portland restaurant. While she’s in Maine, she’ll be appearing at One Longfellow Square to give some advice on “My 7 Best Secrets to Find the Right Man.”

Q: Your new book is so detailed and obviously very well researched. But honestly, by the time I was halfway through it, I kind of felt like it’s a miracle that anyone gets into a relationship considering how many immediate assumptions are being made about the other person. Do you feel that way sometimes?

A: I think what has slowly happened in the last few years as online dating has exploded is that there’s this mentality that there’s always a better match just a mouse click away. And so daters’ mentalities have changed. The mentality now is that they feel this almost arrogance that there’s so much volume out there — so many men, so many women — that they’re now looking to rule out instead of rule in. And so I think it’s a miracle that anyone gets together, but this is a recent phenomenon, and it really comes with the arrogance that there’s always someone better out there. You could be out to dinner or to coffee with someone, and you could be back at your home computer in an hour sorting through other singles.

Q: You have all these categories of women that you call “date-breakers,” including The Boss Lady, The Bait & Switcher, The Park Avenue Princess, The Closer. Was there one category where you thought the guys were really being too judgmental?

A: I think both men and women are way too judgmental. I think that we’ve come to create stereotypes so quickly. We just have so much information thrown at us all the time now through social networks and the volume of people that we are exposed to, that our brain has to create stereotypes just to sort through the volume. So I don’t blame anybody.

The category that surprised me the most, I think, was the No. 1, The Boss Lady date-breaker. What was different about it than I expected was I think women go around with the assumption that men are intimidated by their success, and in reality he just doesn’t respond to her abrasive personality. And peeling back that layer, it’s not that she has an abrasive personality, it’s that she is behaving in a social setting the way she has been rewarded at work. She is sticking up for herself, she is overly independent, she’s argumentative, she’s confrontational, and these are all things she has been nurtured and trained to do.

Q: I think it’s a little confusing too, because you always hear guys say that confidence is attractive to them, and they just want women to be themselves. But nearly your entire book is made up of women who were just trying to be themselves and yet men still made all these inaccurate assumptions, labeling them something they were not.

A: Definitely, it’s a tricky line to distinguish what’s confident vs. what’s maybe argumentative, almost. It’s very long interviews with these men. It’s not quick little conversations. So in probing what they really meant by all the things they said, they were very clear in saying they want a woman who is confident and assertive and independent that also has a softer, nurturing side to her, a feminine side. They just didn’t want to feel like their relationship was the same thing as being in the office. Even the toughest Boss Lady has a soft and nurturing side, she just doesn’t show it first. She’s got her game face on.

Q: And your whole point in the book was, whether your advice feels right or not, it’s what you have to do to get to the second date.

A: Right. I definitely don’t want women to change who they are or pretend to be someone they’re not. The point is about sequence. The sequence is the key to the whole thing, to present your soft and vulnerable side first because that is feminine energy and men are initially drawn to feminine energy. But what will keep them is the more masculine energy, almost, that makes you interesting so that you’re not just some arm ornament.

Q: Another thing that could be confusing is some of the guys said that they thought some women were “too nice,” and they considered that to be desperate.

A: Or boring.

Q: I could get off on a whole philosophical discussion about what does it say about our culture that if you are “too nice” or show any kind of real interest in a person, they consider you “desperate”? Maybe they’re just a nice person. I hear that from women too, you know?

A: That’s a really key point that you just made. This isn’t just about what men are saying about women. Women are saying the same things about men. I could have written an entire book called “Have Her at Hello” because clearly this is not just one gender; however, men don’t buy the self-help books they need, so publishers won’t publish them. Women ask me all the time in my lectures, “Why aren’t you speaking to men?” I would if more than seven of them would listen. Everyone on this planet has made false assumptions about someone that later proved untrue. That’s what the focus of the book is about: It is inevitable that first impressions in dating are misleading, so what do you need to do to get past that place so you can really decide if someone’s right for you or not?

You don’t have to like it. No one’s going to read these reasons that men describe and say “Oh, I really enjoyed hearing that,” but it’s what’s necessary to make the connection. And it’s a really hopeful message, because what it’s saying is, “You know that last date you were on when he didn’t call you back? He wasn’t not calling you back because he didn’t like you. He never got to know you. So what do you need to do to allow him to see how really great you are?”

Q: Where did the follow-up e-mail thing come from, and why is that a bad thing?

A: When I was dating, before e-mail, I wouldn’t write someone a letter or I wouldn’t call a guy to thank him, so this whole sending someone a thank-you text or e-mail the next day is also very recent. It was interesting to me to see that it has kind of broken the unspoken male-female code that the man pursues the woman. In the interviews it came up very early on, where a guy would say to me, “We actually had a pretty good date. I liked her and there were maybe some concerns about X or Y, but it was a pretty good date. I’m not really sure why, I just never asked her out again.”

And I would start to probe that. Well, you know, if it was a pretty good date, what happened next, after the date? And inevitably a lot of these guys — about half of them — reported that one of the things that happened next was she sent him a thank-you text or e-mail. And in the same breath that men were saying, “Yeah, that was nice. I appreciate it,” they were also describing something that was hard for them to articulate. They were feeling deflated, like the mystery had been taken out of it or they basically perceived it as a strong signal that she would like to go out again.

And as I started asking about that, many of them admitted they respond differently to a woman they’re not sure is going to say yes or no. They don’t know if she had a good time or not, and part of their DNA, I think, is wired to pursue those who retreat. Not that a woman should be mean or anything like that, but she should preserve a little mystery and play a little hard to get. When you go on a date and you do not like the guy and you don’t want to see him again, do you still send him a thank-you e-mail? Most women don’t. They only send the thank-you when they want to see him again. It really is a signal that they want to be asked out again. It’s a thinly veiled disguise. In poker, you call it a tell.

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Top 15 Dating Mistakes Guys Make

Okay fellas, the ladies have to hand it to you — you do a lot of things to make our hearts swoon. You surprise us by taking the initiative to invite us out to dinner — where we will undoubtedly enjoy a romantic meal by candlelight, talk for hours, spoon feed each other creme brulee — wait a minute, are those your friends from college about to sit with us? And you wonder why we’re mad later. Needless to say, sometimes guys trip up their own game with the ladies without even realizing it. Here’s a list of the most common dating mistakes guys make — so you can keep your game in check.

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1. Overly possessive

Stop. Just, stop. If the girl is dating you, she obviously wants to be with you doofus — there’s no need to call her every hour, resort to extreme PDA to show the world she’s yours, or be on her back all the time about her guy friends. It’s not sweet, it’s stifling, and nobody wants to date a guy like that. Except that chick from Twilight — we guess there are a few here and there that are into that whole creepily possessive, smothering, super jealous deal.

2. Gross living space

Dorm room, apartment, house, condo, parent’s basement — wherever you live, there’s no excuse for it to be dirty. No, it doesn’t have to be —Suzy Homemaker” clean, but she’ll notice the Doritos crumbs from last night’s March Madness party, the empty beer cans, and the dreaded dirty socks littering the floor. While your lady friend shouldn’t be dating you solely based on your living space, a decently clean room shows her that you not only take care of yourself, but also put in the effort to make her feel comfortable in your home.

3. Acting like a tough guy

Oh, you have muscles and testosterone? We never noticed. No, really c’mon guys — girls know it, you know it, and other guys know it. You’re a man, grrrrrr. So why do some guys start stupid, unnecessary scuffles (—Come at my bro”)? News flash — fights just make us scared, not impressed. So just play it cool and save everyone the stress.

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4. Acting differently around your friends

The merging of the two worlds of friends and GF is a delicate task (one that most guys seem to bomb). Just as your main squeeze wouldn’t want the 411 about the hot chick your ex-frat buddy hooked up with last weekend, the same goes for your bros not wanting to hear about your latest antiquing excursion. Play it cool, keep the conversations neutral, and your friends will like your new girl as much as you do (well hopefully not as much).

5. Saying they’ll do XYZ with no follow through

Everyone has a cell phone these days. Seriously, if you haven’t jumped on the 21st century bandwagon yet then you probably aren’t reading this and are more likely holed up in the mountains catching fish with your bare hands and wrestling bears. Case in point — we’re betting you have access to a telephone. So stop making excuses and just call a girl when you say you will.

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6. Flirting with/checking out other women

Most women have a slight case of the —green eyed monster,” but it’s relatively easy to keep the beast at bay — unless given just cause. That quick glance at the waitress’ cha-chas? Being overly friendly with your knockout coworker? Talking a little too much about Megan Fox? Yep, she’ll notice. We get that you have hormones — trust us we do, too (especially when it comes to anyone whose last name is Badgley, Pitt, or Damon) — but do yourself a favor and keep them under control around us, or jealousy will rear its head. And yes, it will get ugly.

7. Baby talk in bed

Urban dictionary defines baby talk as —the cutesy gibberish spoken by 1. Babies and 2. Adults speaking to animals and babies.” It’s a bizarre phenomenon really, when grown adults turn into babbling idiots in the cute faces of their pets. That said, while it’s endearing with puppies and bunnies, girls don’t want to be spoken to like that — particularly in the bedroom.

8. Expecting her to act like your mother

Newsflash — women are nurturing creatures. Sometimes men try to abuse their goodwill and start treating them more like mothers than girlfriends — especially in a cohabitation scenario. After all, she’s not there to be a mommy replacement — to clean up after you, take in your dry cleaning, or —make you a sandwich” (thanks teenage boys everywhere for perpetuating this sexist comment). In short, man up mamma’s boy and get your act together.

9. Letting your friends dictate your life

Ladies get it — your bros, brahs, wingmen, fellas, buddies, etc. are really important to you. What women find really aggravating, however, is when you let your friends dictate your life. Ever taken a friend’s advice like —make her jealous to win her back?” Wow, good one man — she just broke up with you. See, while their intentions may be good, they’re not experts, and girls would prefer that you discuss your relationship issues with them instead.

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10. Threatened by her job

Sometimes it seems as though the best way to test a man’s commitment isn’t to gauge his reaction when his significant other is down in the dumps — after all, anybody can deliver ice cream and rented movies — but rather gauge his reaction in the face of success. If the BF is overjoyed for his GF, he is definitely a keeper. However, far too often, men are threatened by a woman’s success — two words guys — not cool.

11. Hypocritical standards

Nobody likes a hypocrite. That annoying —do as I say, not what I do” mentality loses its merit fast — especially when it translates to your relationship. Either adhere to the standards you go by for her, or run the risk of coming off as controlling.

12. Not having your own life away from her

Scientifically speaking, in the first six months of dating, dopamine and serotonin levels peak, creating a form of obsession with your significant other. Once you transition out of this phase, you feel attached to your partner deeply, but often begin pursuing interests that have fallen by the wayside. Just don’t forget the step where you start persuing those other interests. Nobody likes a needy guy.

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13. Bringing up previous relationships

Talking about an ex a lot — whether in a positive light, as in —I’m totally at peace with the situation,” or in a negative light — i.e. —I can’t believe I dated that w — —,” sends one very clear, unnerving message — he’s not over his ex. Bringing up past girlfriends to use as ammo in a fight is a terrible idea — lest you want to start WWIII. You don’t have to ignore her existence, but you also don’t need to bring up her name in every convo, either.

14. Treating others poorly

When men are first dating someone casually and trying to impress them, one major red flag is when they treat people poorly. While we sincerely hope he won’t go as far as to put a fumbling waiter in a headlock, just being rude to a taxi driver or making a scene with the cashier worries ladies that they may be dating a narcissistic psycho.

15. Inflated ego

When it comes to dating, big ego = big turn-off. No one likes a know-it-all with an inflated sense of self. When guys talk a big game or boast about past conquests, it makes girls wonder what they’re over-compensating for — and chances are that they won’t stay in the relationship long enough to find out.

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Women Authors Help Men Even The Dating Score

Attention guys interested in hooking up: If you have trouble getting a woman in bed, you’re obviously doing something wrong.

What’s worse, you might be doing a whole lot of things wrong and not realize it.

Fear not. The fairer sex is pitching in to help you score by contributing to a new book that identifies a boatload of male habits that are surefire dealbreakers for women. Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Having Sex (Villard Books, $15) might just be the most valuable new tome to correct that embarrassing dry spell, fellas.

“This is not a man-bashing book. We love men,” said Ellen Rakieten, who co-authored the book with Anne Coyle. “But guys, when you say, ‘Come to daddy’ and that’s your way of suggesting sex, we’re kinda grossed out.”

The authors interviewed hundreds of women to collect a mixed bag of these gross-outs, which are detailed, quite humorously, in Undateable. The no-nos are broken down into four categories, from the fairly innocent to the outlandishly hideous. Examples from each of the four categories:

1. Red Flag (innocent mistakes that can easily be corrected): Black jeans; mandannas; cell phones on the waist; Crocs; faux hawks; saying “You da man!”; vanity plates; owning a bong (if you’re over 30); stacks of reading material by the toilet.

2. Storm Cloud (warning, these are more serious offenses that indicate potentially grave problems): Soul patch; Hawaiian shirts; murse (man purse); sideways baseball caps; fanny packs; referring to women as “my old lady” or “main squeeze”; shaving your chest; playing Dungeons & Dragons; rearranging your junk in public; referring to your car as “she”; bad table manners.

3. Not Getting Any(major issues that will stop the potential of sex dead in its tracks): Dad jeans and acid-washed jeans; holiday sweaters; bike shorts; tube socks; transition sunglasses; Ed Hardy-esque wear; double denim (denim top with denim jeans giving the illusion of a denim jumpsuit, aka “The Canadian Tuxedo”); gold chains; painting your face for sporting events; owning a rodent; open mouth breathing; berating wait staff.

4. Kiss of Death (just what it means): Hair plugs; tighty whities; Cosby sweaters; mesh tops; guylights (hair highlights or frostings); mandals (sandals worn with socks); Speedos; comb-overs; mullets; Soprano-speak; full-body waxing; bringing a baseball glove to a professional game; attending medieval festivals; biting or chewing nails; owning a reptile; using steroids.

While women love a makeover, Rakieten said this book doesn’t seek to wholly change men, just make them more aware about what women find sketchy. Hopefully, guys can adjust some of these habits before it becomes too late, she said.

“You don’t want undateable to turn into unsexable,” she said.

What men should not do is ground well covered in Undateable. But conversely, what should men do to impress women?

“There’s nothing sexier than a man with confidence,” Rakieten said. “If you have a little swagger and confidence, that’s good. If you are going bald, then do an Ed Harris. In the end, what women really like is a man who knows what he likes and has the balls to stick with it. If you want to wear your double denim and you don’t care, then great. Go with it.”