I recently went out on a couple of dates with a bartender. My friends are horrified and think I’m setting myself up for immediate disappointment. My only argument against them comes in the form of Miranda and Steve from “Sex and the City,” which I admit is a flimsy reference. Is there life with a guy whose work starts way late and revolves around slinging drinks to cute girls?
— Sarah H., Brooklyn
No one should judge your choice of men. Period. First of all, what person hasn’t started off bartending or working in a restaurant? I know I have. If you really like him, see where it goes. You won’t know until you give it a try. The only downside are the late nights, but if you think you can handle it, then go for it! You guys just started dating, so you don’t know where he’s at or what he aspires to be professionally. Plus, if it doesn’t bother you, then who cares?
I know you want to believe that your friends have your best interests at heart. But sometimes, advice from friends — who may be in very different places than you and may have very different standards than you — can do more harm than good.
Follow your heart and just go with what feels right to you. If you don’t mind the late nights and you trust his actions with all the “cute girls,” then don’t let his current job stop you from seeing where this could go. After all, while “SATC” was a TV show, the episodes always featured very real experiences, so maybe your situation could turn out to be like Miranda and Steve’s!
I was in lesbian relationships for more than a decade before marrying my husband. Now, I love and only want to be with him. We have two beautiful children, and I’m very happy, but he has zero tolerance for my being friends with any of my exes. In the gay community, though, this is totally normal. I don’t want to just drop them as friends especially since I wouldn’t ask him to do the same. How can I keep my gal pals and assure him that my lesbian days are over?
— Lily S., Westchester
Well, first things first: There is a big difference between “gal pals” and ex-lovers. And as I’ve said time and time again, it’s not appropriate to hang out with people you were previously involved with sexually — no matter their sexual orientation.
I might have to side with your husband on this one. I especially feel for him because you were in relationships with women for 10 years, which is a long time. I’m sure he can’t help but wonder when you’re hanging out with your “gal pals” whether you still feel something for them. I know you said that you’re happily married and only want him, but unless you’re showing and proving that to him on a regular basis — and his hesitancy makes me think you may not be — than he’s got good reason to be skeptical.
There are a few things to take into consideration: First, did he always know about your past relationships and experiences? Second, were you always clear about not wanting to completely cut yourself out of that life? And finally, if so, was he OK with that? If the answer is yes, then he should acknowledge and respect what he signed up for. If the answer is no, then you should understand where he’s coming from. After all, what’s your motivation here? Is it really that important for you to remain friends with your ex-lovers? At a certain point in life, you have to make choices about what’s most important to you. If you’re a committed heterosexual, than I’d like to think it’s most important to please and respect your partner rather than be so concerned with what’s accepted in the “gay community,” which, truth be told, you’re no longer a part of.
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