Male-to-Female Dating Dictionary

By Mark C. Miller

Much of the reason dates often turn out so disastrously, especially first dates, is, in a word, communication. Yes, communication - or, as we men refer to it, Kryptonite.

I’ll admit it - men stink at it. We either can’t or won’t communicate. And when we do, we invariably do it poorly.

Reasons? Take your pick:

• Men are raised to be stoic and not reveal our true feelings and emotions.
• We fear that being honest and open will be perceived as a sign of weakness.
• In school, they never taught us how to communicate with another human being.
• Our primary communicating experience is talking and/or bragging to other guys about sports and women.
• Space aliens have zapped that portion of our brain required for being real.

So, because we’re so lousy at relating to females, we invariably torpedo a relationship before it even has a fighting chance. Sad, isn’t it? And all we have to make up for it and console ourselves is big cars, Haagen-Dazs, serial dating, starting wars in Third World nations, and impressing women in the gym.

Yes, it’s a pathetic, tragic, empty life, simply because we lack the skills of being open, honest, and vulnerable with, for want of a better word, women.

But, as you know, another outstanding feature of men, besides our inability to communicate, is our urge to - and feeling that we can and must - fix everything.

Therefore, I decided to take a portion of all the free time I have as a result of not using it to communicate openly and honestly with females - and put it to work coming up with a fix for this pesky communications problem. And lo and behold, I’ve found it! And it’s beautiful in its simplicity, if I do say so myself.

I call it, simply, the “Male-to-Female Dating Dictionary.” This is a book of words and phrases uttered by dating males, translated into language clearly understandable to dating females. What a guy says - translated into what a guy means. I’ll pause briefly here while a choir of dating angels sing hosannas to my public service accomplishment.

Okay, that’s enough.

This is a book, obviously, that every dating woman needs, for it will instantly translate Martian men’s conversation into Venutian women-speak. For example:

MAN SAYS: “Oh, um, sure, I like to dance.”

MAN MEANS: “I once gave myself a hernia in a swing dance class, and now, on my list of things I enjoy, “dancing” comes right after “cleaning up after a large dog with severe digestive problems.”

MAN SAYS: “What I really want is a long-term, serious relationship with someone.”

MAN MEANS: “And you could be that person if you consider long-term to be three months, and serious to include vodka, a wardrobe from Victoria’s Secret, and, of course, wrist restraints.”

MAN SAYS: “I have a great relationship with my dad.”

MAN MEANS: “Our monthly phone conversation consists of each of us asking the other how things are going, me saying ’Pretty good, how ’bout yourself?’ and him saying, ’Not bad... well, talk to you soon. Here’s your mother.’”

MAN SAYS: “My last girlfriend and I just grew apart.”

MAN MEANS: “You would not believe the bitchy attitude she gave me every time I had to borrow rent money from her!”

MAN SAYS: “I’m feeling some good chemistry here between us.”

MAN MEANS: “The sight of your cleavage is giving me thoughts of activities that I’m fairly certain are illegal in at least twelve states.”

All right, I’m not so delusional as to think that my dating dictionary is going to completely resolve the big issue of male-female dating communication. But it’s a start. And if my little contribution brings just one couple together into a relationship of honest and open communication, genuine friendship, and erotic passion, then it will have all been worth it. All I ask is that they send me a thank-you — and a photo of them, especially if it happens to feature Victoria’s Secret outfits and wrist restraints. Strictly for research purposes, I swear. Hey, come on, I’m a guy.

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Top 15 Dating Mistakes Guys Make

Okay fellas, the ladies have to hand it to you — you do a lot of things to make our hearts swoon. You surprise us by taking the initiative to invite us out to dinner — where we will undoubtedly enjoy a romantic meal by candlelight, talk for hours, spoon feed each other creme brulee — wait a minute, are those your friends from college about to sit with us? And you wonder why we’re mad later. Needless to say, sometimes guys trip up their own game with the ladies without even realizing it. Here’s a list of the most common dating mistakes guys make — so you can keep your game in check.

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1. Overly possessive

Stop. Just, stop. If the girl is dating you, she obviously wants to be with you doofus — there’s no need to call her every hour, resort to extreme PDA to show the world she’s yours, or be on her back all the time about her guy friends. It’s not sweet, it’s stifling, and nobody wants to date a guy like that. Except that chick from Twilight — we guess there are a few here and there that are into that whole creepily possessive, smothering, super jealous deal.

2. Gross living space

Dorm room, apartment, house, condo, parent’s basement — wherever you live, there’s no excuse for it to be dirty. No, it doesn’t have to be —Suzy Homemaker” clean, but she’ll notice the Doritos crumbs from last night’s March Madness party, the empty beer cans, and the dreaded dirty socks littering the floor. While your lady friend shouldn’t be dating you solely based on your living space, a decently clean room shows her that you not only take care of yourself, but also put in the effort to make her feel comfortable in your home.

3. Acting like a tough guy

Oh, you have muscles and testosterone? We never noticed. No, really c’mon guys — girls know it, you know it, and other guys know it. You’re a man, grrrrrr. So why do some guys start stupid, unnecessary scuffles (—Come at my bro”)? News flash — fights just make us scared, not impressed. So just play it cool and save everyone the stress.

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4. Acting differently around your friends

The merging of the two worlds of friends and GF is a delicate task (one that most guys seem to bomb). Just as your main squeeze wouldn’t want the 411 about the hot chick your ex-frat buddy hooked up with last weekend, the same goes for your bros not wanting to hear about your latest antiquing excursion. Play it cool, keep the conversations neutral, and your friends will like your new girl as much as you do (well hopefully not as much).

5. Saying they’ll do XYZ with no follow through

Everyone has a cell phone these days. Seriously, if you haven’t jumped on the 21st century bandwagon yet then you probably aren’t reading this and are more likely holed up in the mountains catching fish with your bare hands and wrestling bears. Case in point — we’re betting you have access to a telephone. So stop making excuses and just call a girl when you say you will.

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6. Flirting with/checking out other women

Most women have a slight case of the —green eyed monster,” but it’s relatively easy to keep the beast at bay — unless given just cause. That quick glance at the waitress’ cha-chas? Being overly friendly with your knockout coworker? Talking a little too much about Megan Fox? Yep, she’ll notice. We get that you have hormones — trust us we do, too (especially when it comes to anyone whose last name is Badgley, Pitt, or Damon) — but do yourself a favor and keep them under control around us, or jealousy will rear its head. And yes, it will get ugly.

7. Baby talk in bed

Urban dictionary defines baby talk as —the cutesy gibberish spoken by 1. Babies and 2. Adults speaking to animals and babies.” It’s a bizarre phenomenon really, when grown adults turn into babbling idiots in the cute faces of their pets. That said, while it’s endearing with puppies and bunnies, girls don’t want to be spoken to like that — particularly in the bedroom.

8. Expecting her to act like your mother

Newsflash — women are nurturing creatures. Sometimes men try to abuse their goodwill and start treating them more like mothers than girlfriends — especially in a cohabitation scenario. After all, she’s not there to be a mommy replacement — to clean up after you, take in your dry cleaning, or —make you a sandwich” (thanks teenage boys everywhere for perpetuating this sexist comment). In short, man up mamma’s boy and get your act together.

9. Letting your friends dictate your life

Ladies get it — your bros, brahs, wingmen, fellas, buddies, etc. are really important to you. What women find really aggravating, however, is when you let your friends dictate your life. Ever taken a friend’s advice like —make her jealous to win her back?” Wow, good one man — she just broke up with you. See, while their intentions may be good, they’re not experts, and girls would prefer that you discuss your relationship issues with them instead.

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10. Threatened by her job

Sometimes it seems as though the best way to test a man’s commitment isn’t to gauge his reaction when his significant other is down in the dumps — after all, anybody can deliver ice cream and rented movies — but rather gauge his reaction in the face of success. If the BF is overjoyed for his GF, he is definitely a keeper. However, far too often, men are threatened by a woman’s success — two words guys — not cool.

11. Hypocritical standards

Nobody likes a hypocrite. That annoying —do as I say, not what I do” mentality loses its merit fast — especially when it translates to your relationship. Either adhere to the standards you go by for her, or run the risk of coming off as controlling.

12. Not having your own life away from her

Scientifically speaking, in the first six months of dating, dopamine and serotonin levels peak, creating a form of obsession with your significant other. Once you transition out of this phase, you feel attached to your partner deeply, but often begin pursuing interests that have fallen by the wayside. Just don’t forget the step where you start persuing those other interests. Nobody likes a needy guy.

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13. Bringing up previous relationships

Talking about an ex a lot — whether in a positive light, as in —I’m totally at peace with the situation,” or in a negative light — i.e. —I can’t believe I dated that w — —,” sends one very clear, unnerving message — he’s not over his ex. Bringing up past girlfriends to use as ammo in a fight is a terrible idea — lest you want to start WWIII. You don’t have to ignore her existence, but you also don’t need to bring up her name in every convo, either.

14. Treating others poorly

When men are first dating someone casually and trying to impress them, one major red flag is when they treat people poorly. While we sincerely hope he won’t go as far as to put a fumbling waiter in a headlock, just being rude to a taxi driver or making a scene with the cashier worries ladies that they may be dating a narcissistic psycho.

15. Inflated ego

When it comes to dating, big ego = big turn-off. No one likes a know-it-all with an inflated sense of self. When guys talk a big game or boast about past conquests, it makes girls wonder what they’re over-compensating for — and chances are that they won’t stay in the relationship long enough to find out.

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Mortality and Dating

For most of my life, I have avoided dating and relationships. In high school, this was a consequence of my inability to play the necessary games. (Although, I attributed it to hopeless romanticism, the justification of choice for most awkward teenagers.) In college, I learned to play the games — very well. However, I continued to not date. The adage, “why buy the cow if the milk is for free” applied. I enjoyed college.

Towards the end of college, I started to think differently. I wanted to form relationships of the non-causual variety. Many people I know date merely to be in a relationship. They are not necessarily wild about their partner, they just prefer not to be alone. This doesn’t interest me. In my case, I would date only if I found someone great. I think (very) highly of myself; I would have to think highly of the girl I would date as well. And that is just the beginning of the criteria. Physical attraction and emotional compatibility are not minor issues. Such girls are rare, but they have graced my path before.

As mentioned previously on my blog, I had a rare type of cancer for which there is still no cure. I was treated surgically to remove the macro-tumor, but microscopic remnants undoubtedly remain and, after enough doubling, it will reassert a claim on my health. Things are not likely to end well. Given this, I arrived at my dating conundrum. If I was to find a girl that I respected; a girl that I was attracted to; a girl whose company I enjoyed; a girl that I wanted to invest my time and emotions in…what happens when I get sick again? I initiated steps to nullify the Chordoma threat, and others subsequently (greatly) exceeded my efforts, but as of right now, I think the probability of tragedy exceeds that of happily ever after. This introduces my paradox, my Catch-22. The purpose of dating such a girl as the one sketched above is to allow myself to be swept along the currents, hoping to arrive at a place of deep love. (I wasn’t trying to be poetic; the preceding statement was as precise a summary on the progression of relationships as I could give.) If this point came — if I grew to love her deeply — I would want to protect her from harm and suffering. However, given Chordoma, her suffering would likely be a result of my sickness and death. Her suffering would be deeply emotional. Furthermore, as it is in a woman’s best interest to find a man in her youth — for obvious reasons — it would continue to weigh on her for a long time. Ergo, the best way to protect my as of yet unidentified and pursued love, is to never pursue her.

I realized this years ago but it is growing more difficult to maintain my restraint. For one, it’s easy to not pursue women romantically when you are young, dumb, and…in college. I might have justified my Dorian Gray phase as a consequence of this realization, but truthfully it wasn’t. I was enjoying myself in the way that a geek turned college man-whore would. Now, however, I am less interested in the simple pleasures (in isolation, at least.) Over the past year or so, I’ve started dating a few women, only to realize I was being selfish. I think I wanted the intimacy of a relationship, without the woman’s investment. This was stupid because it’s not a possibility.

To a small degree, I’m writing this hoping that someone will point out an obvious flaw. I’ve thought of some, but they are weak. I assume people smarter than myself have offered similar arguments; I’d like to read them. However, for the most part, I wrote it to solidify my resolve and understanding. That’s why I write most of my blog posts and accounts for my readership of about six people.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to do what I consider the rational course of action: try to fund a cure.

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10 Dating Deal Breakers That Really Aren’t

There’s been a lot of talk lately about settling for Mr. Good Enough, due to Lori Gottlieb’s newest book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Despite the book’s provocative subtitle, however, Gottlieb’s latest opus isn’t really about settling. Rather, it’s a case for maintaining an open mind when considering new men, instead of nitpicking over inconsequential surface details. Which is why we put together a list of the 10 deal breakers that...well...shouldn’t really be considered deal breakers. How To Fall In Love With Mr. Good Enough

1. He’s considerably older or younger. A lot of people pass judgment when they see a May-December couple, muttering things about gold-digging and cougars and dirty old men. In some cases, they’re right. It can be difficult to have a partnership of equals when both halves of a couple are at different places in their lives, but there are a good deal of couples who make it work (Ashton and Demi, for example). Just make sure you’ve thought about the pros and cons of the gap.

2. He’s balding. Shame on you! While it’s important to be attracted to the one you’re with (without physical chemistry, good sex is pretty tough), it doesn’t make sense to arbitrarily rule out an entire segment of the population just because they sport a soul patch, or have a few extra pounds, or are balding. Have you seen how sexy Taye Diggs looks without hair?

3. He’s lives far away from you. Long-distance relationships (LDRs) can be rough. They can be lonely. They can be expensive. They can be frustrating on both emotional and sexual levels. But they can also be worth it. Several YourTango staffers have rocked the LDR, proving that—with a good dose of patience—it can be done. How To Manage A Long-Distance Relationship

4. He doesn’t have a college degree. A lack of formal education does not necessarily mean he lacks ambition, smarts or chances for career success. Think real estate broker. Plumber. Ultrasound technologist. Lobster fisherman. All of these jobs require hard work, a good brain and can net big bucks, yet none of them requires higher education. If he spends his days on the couch, wearing nothing but his tightie-whities and expects you to foot all the bills, however, we’ll forgive you for dropping that dead weight.

5. He’s divorced. OK. Stop hyperventilating. While a previous marriage can leave one with serious emotional baggage, a divorce does not mean there’s something wrong with the person who went through it. In fact, the experience may have left him with a better perspective on what he wants (or doesn’t want) in a partner, and what works when it comes to negotiating the rough spots. Over time, he may open up about the specifics of his divorce. In the meantime, concentrate on who he is as a person, not who he is as a divorced person.

6. He has kids. Seriously, ladies. Stop. Hyperventilating. And then, once you’ve calmed down a bit, observe. The way a man acts with (or talks about) his children can be a great indicator of how well he’ll end up treating you, or even what type of father he’ll be to your kids.

7. He comes from a wildly different background. Are you nervous about what people will say if you date someone outside of your race? Afraid your parents will go berserk if you end up with someone of a different faith? If you’re confident enough to shrug off their judgments you may find such relationships extra-rewarding; working through your differences will result in greater understanding of each other and another culture.

8. You’re a Democrat; he’s a Republican. So long as neither one of you is an extremist, you should be capable of keeping things civil. If nothing else, your differences will make for some rousing political debates and, if you’re extra open-minded, it could be fun having a window into the innermost thoughts of someone whose political values are so different from your own.

9. You have different interests. Your diet consists of pasta and veggies, he’s a major meat eater. He loves smash-’em-up adventure flicks, you’re a fan of the artsy fartsy. You still have Debbie Gibson in your iTunes music library, he...well, he’d rather not comment on your musical tastes, because it might hurt your feelings. While it’s nice to share some interests with your significant other, you don’t want your partner to be a carbon copy of you. If you don’t give someone slightly different from you a chance, you may never realize how totally awesome horror flicks are, or how exhilarating rock climbing can be, or how perfect Pulp’s “Common People” sounds when it pops up on your playlist directly after Debbie Gibson’s “Electric Youth.”

10. His last name is Hymen, Wertzberger, or Hogge. Don’t fret. You could always keep your maiden name.

Women Authors Help Men Even The Dating Score

Attention guys interested in hooking up: If you have trouble getting a woman in bed, you’re obviously doing something wrong.

What’s worse, you might be doing a whole lot of things wrong and not realize it.

Fear not. The fairer sex is pitching in to help you score by contributing to a new book that identifies a boatload of male habits that are surefire dealbreakers for women. Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Having Sex (Villard Books, $15) might just be the most valuable new tome to correct that embarrassing dry spell, fellas.

“This is not a man-bashing book. We love men,” said Ellen Rakieten, who co-authored the book with Anne Coyle. “But guys, when you say, ‘Come to daddy’ and that’s your way of suggesting sex, we’re kinda grossed out.”

The authors interviewed hundreds of women to collect a mixed bag of these gross-outs, which are detailed, quite humorously, in Undateable. The no-nos are broken down into four categories, from the fairly innocent to the outlandishly hideous. Examples from each of the four categories:

1. Red Flag (innocent mistakes that can easily be corrected): Black jeans; mandannas; cell phones on the waist; Crocs; faux hawks; saying “You da man!”; vanity plates; owning a bong (if you’re over 30); stacks of reading material by the toilet.

2. Storm Cloud (warning, these are more serious offenses that indicate potentially grave problems): Soul patch; Hawaiian shirts; murse (man purse); sideways baseball caps; fanny packs; referring to women as “my old lady” or “main squeeze”; shaving your chest; playing Dungeons & Dragons; rearranging your junk in public; referring to your car as “she”; bad table manners.

3. Not Getting Any(major issues that will stop the potential of sex dead in its tracks): Dad jeans and acid-washed jeans; holiday sweaters; bike shorts; tube socks; transition sunglasses; Ed Hardy-esque wear; double denim (denim top with denim jeans giving the illusion of a denim jumpsuit, aka “The Canadian Tuxedo”); gold chains; painting your face for sporting events; owning a rodent; open mouth breathing; berating wait staff.

4. Kiss of Death (just what it means): Hair plugs; tighty whities; Cosby sweaters; mesh tops; guylights (hair highlights or frostings); mandals (sandals worn with socks); Speedos; comb-overs; mullets; Soprano-speak; full-body waxing; bringing a baseball glove to a professional game; attending medieval festivals; biting or chewing nails; owning a reptile; using steroids.

While women love a makeover, Rakieten said this book doesn’t seek to wholly change men, just make them more aware about what women find sketchy. Hopefully, guys can adjust some of these habits before it becomes too late, she said.

“You don’t want undateable to turn into unsexable,” she said.

What men should not do is ground well covered in Undateable. But conversely, what should men do to impress women?

“There’s nothing sexier than a man with confidence,” Rakieten said. “If you have a little swagger and confidence, that’s good. If you are going bald, then do an Ed Harris. In the end, what women really like is a man who knows what he likes and has the balls to stick with it. If you want to wear your double denim and you don’t care, then great. Go with it.”

Dating Is A Privilege Not A Right

Let me start by saying that I am talking about both women and men here. You can call it my little disclaimer if you will, but I really feel this is a principle that applies to both sexes. Not that I am perfect (trust me I will be the first to name all my flaws if you ask me), but I personally feel pretty special when a guy I like wants to date me. So in return I like to try to show that as best I can.

When you first meet someone, they are generally pretty sweet and try to impress you, which generally continues at least through the first few dates. Sometimes, however, this nice thing stops and is replaced with the person’s unwillingness to admit they like you. This generally happens because the person gets comfortable with the idea that you like them which then develops a cocky attitude. You know the whole idea that you like them so they can do no wrong.

Well, here’s a news flash for people that do this. When a person likes you and decides they want to date you, they can stop at anytime. Dating, no matter what level it is at (serious or not quite serious yet) takes work. Just because you figured out that the other person wants you doesn’t mean that you don’t have to try anymore. If you want the person to continue to like you, then you need to continue to do the things that made them like you in the first place.

Now, I am not talking about buying them tons of things or being at anyone’s beck and call. No one says you have to go broke or worship the ground a person walks on to show you like them. I am also not talking about teasing and joking around. It’s totally fine to razz the person you like a little; it’s fun and can actually be foreplay. Just as long as you remember that there is a line between pulling the braids of the girl that you like and shoving her face in the sand on the playground. Don’t ever cross it.

What I am talking about here are the little things. Like when they say something nice to you or flirt with you randomly in the middle of the day. Normally you would flirt back, but now you no longer feel compelled to do so. Clearly it doesn’t seem necessary since you already know they like you back. So you play it cool and don’t act excited about what they are saying to you. Just think about the way a 16-year-old boy acts once his friends find out he’s whipped. I think you get the idea here.

The bottom line is that you should never take it for granted when a person likes you and/or wants to date you. It doesn’t matter how awesome you may think you are, no one has to want to date you. Rather, someone chooses to date you and they can choose not to just as easily.

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