Has Facebook Changed the Dating World?

In a society that is driven by gadgets, money and social networking sites, it is no wonder that Facebook has become a part of everyday life. The ability to share news and photographs at the click of a button from the comfort of your own home is certainly appealing. Sure, Facebook makes communicating easy and sure, Facebook allows you to stay in touch with people you would otherwise never see, but using these sites to date over the internet? Is that really what the world has come to? Gone are the days where one had to actually drive to someone’s house and knock on their front door if they wanted to see them.

Technology, including Facebook, has made us lazy and stolen our social skills. It is so easy to make a flippant request over the net when you’re not talking to someone face-to-face; heaven forbid if we actually had to pick up a landline phone to ask someone to the movies so that they could hear the sincerity, or lack of it, in our voice. Social networking sites such as Facebook have made it too easy to organise dates with people that we know, and people we don’t. Honestly, how well can you know someone that you meet over the internet? So what if they’ve made a couple of jokes, made you laugh and seem genuinely nice? A lecherous old man could be sitting behind the computer screen!

What we also need to realise is that the internet gives people fake courage. Some people might be able to ask their monitor out for dinner, but if it came to asking you out to your face, they would most probably flee. As a seventeen year-old female, I can honestly say I’ve seen my fair share of dates organised through technology. Sadly, the majority of these dates end the same way. Through an e-mail, an SMS, or simply a line on your Facebook wall where it is visible to everyone.

The teenagers of today have become cowardly, and when I say teenagers, I mean both male and females. People who wouldn’t normally talk are communicating online, and what good is it doing? Does this mean the relationship will remain solely online or via mobile phones? If you’ve never spoken a word to their face before, what happens when you see them down the street? They might be you’re number one friend online, but what do you say when you actually see them? To me, these unexpected, casual meetings in real life will be, at the minimum, extremely awkward.

And no, I’m not being naA?ve or narrow-minded. I’ve heard the love stories where the average, single girl meets her prince charming online and they live happily ever after. I’ve heard the people who claim they would never have met their soul mates had Facebook not been created. I know their stories, but how often does this actually happen? We all know the answer. Not much. Not much at all. Out of all the Facebook members and people who have a social networking account, these fairytales occur maybe one in a million cases, maybe less. Either way, the badly ended relationships far outweigh these magic, romantic stories.

Facebook is a great way to communicate; I honestly believe that. But when dating is involved, a little, old-fashioned bravery in terms of face-to-face communication would not go astray. I mean, really, how can you honestly know who you are talking to online? You can’t truly know a person simply from interacting with them online, not even in this day and age. We’re all waiting for our fairytale. We all want our very own happy ending. But Prince Charming, if you really are out there, please just give me a call. I’d rather hear you’re voice.

Single And Dating In My 40s

By Ele Pawelski

Single and 40, I moved back to Toronto after a decade of working on human-rights projects in developing countries. I was ready to settle down and find a soulmate, preferably one who liked to travel and could locate Afghanistan on a map.

Dating in my 40s was not going to be like dating in my 20s. I was wiser, more confident and knew myself better. On the flip side, the unromantic conditions of my overseas life had caused severe loss of dating know-how.

“What’s dating again?” I quizzed friends.

Right, a leisurely activity where you chat with someone over a drink or a meal to discern whether an intimate long-term relationship is possible. Conversation should be relaxed and flow without awkward silences. If you find the person attractive, interesting and fun, you arrange to meet again. I could do this.

My reintroduction to dating in Toronto was set to happen at a hip downtown bar with a couple of friends. I donned a pair of jeans, a stylish top, some lipstick. Memories of university romances danced in my head as I practised flirting in the mirror while holding a glass of wine. This became known as Plan A.

OMG. Not only were all the patrons under 30, but the women were dressed in sexy outfits I would never wear. Predictably, no one noticed us except the bartender. While we were discussing our next move, music suddenly started blaring so loudly it killed the conversation. We bailed. Our trio of not-wanting-to-be-cougars raced back to my place and my stockpile of red wine. It was 10 p.m.

Plan B: Sign up for an evening of speed dating.

Three-minute conversations are incredibly short. Once you’ve found out each other’s professions and hobbies, likes and dislikes, it’s already time to move on. There’s barely enough time to jot down a name, let alone envision holding hands on a moonlit beach. At the end of the evening, the faces and conversations blurred together; not a single guy stood out as someone to see again.

Plan C: Meet a guy at a class or a sports league. Meeting men through mutual friends was no longer possible, as none knew any single and dateable guys. So I joined a beach volleyball group. Sundays that summer became a joyous mix of sand, sun and beer. And I met someone.

We dated for six weeks before I broke it off. To me, that seemed equivalent to six months in single-and-fortysomething years.

Encouraged by such a long relationship, I grew bolder. Conversations with other singles netted valuable information about meeting mates online. I was amazed at how quickly and openly they broached the topic of Internet dating: “Hi, so which sites are you on? How are they?”

Still, I was skeptical. Dating online screamed, “I am an old-fashioned dimwit that’s completely unable to meet and/or converse with potential mates.” But single friends eventually convinced me that online dating was the most straightforward way to find a partner once you’re out of school.

Plan D: Create a savvy Internet persona and nickname.

At first, I scoured each profile and crafted individualized messages. About eight dates in, I got my groove and began to send more messages with fewer words. I started dating up a storm, sometimes two a night back to back.

The guys were entertaining, the restaurants nice, the conversations fun, but disappointingly there were no real sparks. None turned out to be the optimistic, self-assured traveller I was looking for. My approach needed a change. Instead of a restaurant, perhaps an activity would give me more insight into his personality and possible shared interests.

So my next date unfolded at a photography shoot for a band. He took photos with a passion that was endearing. Photography, which we both enjoyed, was also a good focus for our conversation. Sharing the same sense of humour, we laughed and talked into the wee hours of the night. Parting, we set up a second date for the coming weekend.

On Saturday at my place, two coffees were steaming on the table as soft music played in the background. According to my research, the second date was when you delved into your potential partner’s past to suss out any family skeletons or Ponzi scheming. I wanted to be in comfortable surroundings in case of an unpleasant secret.

In this intimate setting, we each shared our biggest life challenge. His was an unfinalized divorce, mine a new career path but no actual job. Mulling it over, we concluded our baggage was manageable in the bigger scheme. After all, dating in your 40s is not a fairy tale. But was the chemistry from the first night still there?

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

Butterflies in my stomach, I nodded ecstatically. It was a supreme Bridget Jones moment, and revealed that some aspects of dating remain the same at any age. This was a guy worth pursuing.

My final tally: an awkward bar night, a speed-dating adventure, a summer fling and 19 decent Internet dates to find one terrific soulmate. Not bad.

It was at times exhilarating, at times overwhelming, at times disheartening, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Opening up to new methods of dating, while remaining true to myself about the type of guy I wanted to meet, was part of the experience.

A year and a bit later we’re still together. Fingers crossed.

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Mind Your Words

Looking for love online and thought you could get away with spelling errors? Then you’d better mind your writing style. A research done by the Queensland University of Technology, Australia, says that spelling errors, wrong grammar and use of too many exclamation marks can be a major put off for some.

If your writing style is not impressive enough, you face the threat of easily being dismissed by those looking for a potential partner.

Ask 20-year-old design student Samaira Singhal, who says she judges the date-worthiness of a guy while chatting within the first few minutes. “If he goes on messing up his grammar, or uses wrong spellings, I know he is not dating material. Typos are pardonable to some extent but not messing up your language.” Stylist Dolly Gupta too hates conversing online with someone who has a pathetic writing style.

“That’s the very first parameter of judging a person. It’s not as if you have to display your brilliance, but some basic etiquette is a must. If a guy can’t spell words rightly, or goes on typing in capital letters, I know he will bore me after a while.” People are also judged on the online names they use. Names like ‘rock star’, ‘dashing guy’ and ‘loner dude’ can be disappointing too. “I would rather go for a ‘Vikram Ahuja’ than chat with a ‘hot hunk’. I can’t take such people seriously,” says Guha. Psychiatrist Samir Parikh has a different take on the topic, though. “It’s unfair to judge someone on the basis on his language skills. Communication goes beyond grammar. People are giving too much importance to their online life and expect the same from others.”

Hone Your Net-etiquette

1. Choose your words carefully. Avoid using phrases, such as, ‘hi baby’, ‘hey sweetie’ or ‘hello sweetheart’ unless you want the girl to block you forever.

2. Slangs are a strict no-no while dating online, unless of course you want to be tagged as a rude, ill-mannered person.

3. Try to be precise and steer clear from repeating words. Repetitions bore the person.

4. While chatting with someone for the first time, do not ask too many personal questions.

5. Don’t keep sending fun mails or social messages to someone you are dating. It may be great for you, but not for everyone.

6. Using capital letters is like screaming in someone’s ear. Avoid it.

New Dating Site Lets You Bid on Attractive People

By Chris Gayomali

Have trouble landing a date? If your pockets are deep, a new dating website that allows its members to bid on attractive potential mates might be up your alley.

The new website, coyly titled What’s Your Price, allows “generous” bidders to pony up for dates with “beautiful, gorgeous or sexy people,” though it would appear that someone both beautiful and sexy is out of the question. Or maybe you’re an attractive, sexy single who could use some extra cash! (Of course you are.) The website states, “If you’re beautiful, we are the only dating site that guarantees you will get paid to spend time meeting fun and generous people.” After an initial haggling process, a conversation becomes unlocked between potential suitors, allowing them to arrange a date themselves.

What’s Your Price even has a First Date Etiquette section to ensure that your transact... I mean, er, date, goes down smoothly. (Like “Cash is King” or “Report people who send money using Western Union.”) Classy? You bet.

I know what you’re thinking: “How is this not prostitution?” The site’s founder and CEO, Brandon Wade, asserts on the site’s blog that bidding for a date is more akin to charity than an escort service:

“When capitalism is mixed in with dating, all of a sudden people start concluding “it must be prostitution”. But does paying money for a cup of coffee every morning mean Starbucks is engaging in prostitution? Does paying for gas every time you fill up at the gas station mean that Mobil or BP is pimping? Does donating money to the Church every Sunday morning equate religion to prostitution? Obviously NOT, and obviously buying a First Date isn’t either.”

See that? Being attractive: It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

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Dating Site Inspired by Women Launches in Australia

Women go “man shopping” and men vie for their attention on MrRight.com.au, the first Australian dating site where women date on their terms. On MrRight.com.au, women add the men they like to their shopping cart to open a communication channel – it’s the only way that men can get in touch. Then, they can send one another messages for as long as they like. If the conversation doesn’t go their way, women can remove men from their cart just as easily to close the channel.

The concept behind MrRight.com.au also works well for men. It allows them to take a step back and let women choose them. Guys no longer need to spend hours browsing through thousands of profiles for the perfect match. They also save time and money sending messages that may never be read. All they need to do is create a profile and keep it online for as long as they’re available and looking.

MrRight.com.au was inspired by women and the stories of their sometimes unpleasant online dating experiences. On traditional dating sites, it only takes a few men behaving badly to spoil everyone’s fun. Internet forums are rife with stories of women receiving aggressive or sexually charged messages from contacts on online dating sites. Likewise, they can also be put off when their inbox is filled with “Pokes”, “Likes” or other short messages.

Matt Right, founder of MrRight.com.au comments: “MrRight.com.au changes online dating as we’ve known since the early 90s. For the first time, women date online on their terms and men compete for their attention. The response we’ve seen from men and women of all ages has been overwhelming”.

Secret Online Dating Tips Revealed

Want to know the secret of successful online dating? Try these tips by Harvard math majors.

OkTrends (blog.okcupid.com) is a blog written by the founders of OkCupid (www.okcupid.com), a free, online dating site that counts 7 million visitors each month.

Every six weeks or so, the bloggers - all former math majors from Harvard - examine the gold mine of dating data collected from their members’ online interactions. They sort and sift, crunch and correlate, catching whatever nuggets of mating wisdom fall out.

Then they post a report of their findings - and the resultant dating tips - often with pop culture references, statistical graphs and pictures of half-naked young men and women.

“It’s our version of an advice column,” Los Angeles Times quoted Sam Yagan, OkCupid’s chief executive.

“We love the fact that our own data tell us what works on a date,” Yagan added.

Even scientists analyse the tips and the results are divided.

“I’m a big fan,” Northwestern University social psychology professor Eli Finkel told Los Angeles Times, adding that the posts are ’generally insightful’.

Viren Swami, co-author of The Psychology of Physical Attraction, was less enthusiastic, saying: ’They could also potentially be very misleading and, at worst, quite far from the truth’.

According to the scientists, women were told to flirt with the camera for their profile photo. If they made what OkCupid called ’flirty-face’, they received on average 1.5 additional messages per month.

That’s because a woman’s smile is well-documented as a signal of sexual interest.

’Flirty smiles trigger what we call men’s sexual over-perception bias,’ said David M. Buss, psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin and author of ’The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating’.

This advice is only, however, for women. Men were ordered to be aloof on camera. When they did so, they had a roughly 90 per cent success rate with their emails than otherwise.

“There is good evidence that men high in status smile less and that smiling is sometimes interpreted as a sign of submissiveness. Also, some male smiles can look like leers, so it’s good to avoid those,” Buss told the LATimes.

The data also showed that women who took their ’flirty-face’ to the next level by showing a bit of cleavage had better results - vastly better results as they got older.

According to OkCupid, an 18-year-old woman with a cleavage shot in her profile gets 24 percent more contacts per month on average than more demure 18-year-olds.

If she does it at age 32, that jumps to 79 percent more than her buttoned up peers.

“Women’s mate value declines with age,” said Satoshi Kanazawa, evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics, co-author of “Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters’.

But they can compensate for their decline in mate value by showing their cleavage.’

’It’s bait,’ Dr Peter Jonason of the University of South Alabama said.

For men, the inverse is true. Male online daters should show off their six packs in their profile pictures, but only if they are young.

That’s because women in their 30s are less interested in the man’s body than whether or not he will be a good provider, clinical psychologist Marianne Brandon said.

Another tip was both to subtract two inches from the height your potential date claims to be - and 20 per cent from their salary.

For men, the experts said, this makes sense. Height suggests good health and genes; while wealth, obviously, suggests resources. ’Men deceive about their status and income in order to make themselves seem more desirable to women,’ said Dr Buss.

Women, however, may not be lying, Kanazawa argued.

If a woman is trying to get dates online, he argued, she must be having difficulty in real life. That could be because she is Amazonian - both men and women prefer that the man is taller.

They also may have a bigger paycheque than the average man - and the very average man prefers, by and large, to be the one who brings home the bacon, he said.

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