Dating in the District

Street noise fills the background as Sam Yagan speaks quickly into his cellphone. He has a knack for efficiency. He is a dating catalyst, a self-proclaimed “geeky math guy.” And last February, his dating website — OKCupid — logged 1.3 million unique visitors.

So when it came time to find out how to meet people, his name topped the list of people to call.

Most Washingtonians tend to be workaholics, transplants or some combination of the two. With a general population such as that, single people are put at a disadvantage when it comes to meeting a potential mate.

“D.C. is — by far — the most active [on OKCupid] on a per capita basis,” Yagan says. “Other cities don’t even come close.”

More than 10 percent of D.C.’s population are active users on the site, according to Yagan’s data, and 75 percent of those users are younger than 35.

Whether you want to take the tech route, or a more traditional avenue, there is one basic tenet to remember: “You can’t take it too seriously,” Yagan asserts. “People get so wound up about it.”

Rather than fearing rejection, accept that volume is key: The odds that the first person you meet is going to be the one for you is low, says Yagan, who earned a degree in mathematics and economics from Harvard, and later went on to receive an MBA from Stanford business school. “Half the battle is forcing yourself to go out and meet people.”

So, where are the best places to find other love-seekers in the District?

Whether it’s grabbing a post-work libation at Off the Record bar in the Hay Adams hotel, or plugging in your laptop at Tryst in Adams Morgan, places where solo people-watching is common lifts the burden of vulnerability and makes meeting people feel less forced.

At Tryst, a hodgepodge of couches, chairs and tables are scattered for maximum comfort. Free Wi-Fi lets you work (or surf on Facebook) while you enjoy a coffee, tea, snack or alcoholic beverage. Located on the often-hectic 18th Street in Adams Morgan, Tryst is an oasis.

Tia Scagliarnini, the front-of-the-house manager, wants the bar and cafe to be a relaxing place for people that is neither home, nor work, she said.

“We aim to foster a community, and make it a place where people are approachable.”

The clientele is diverse, she added: Students writing PhDs or master’s theses, book clubs, journalists, artists and businesspeople of all stripes. Tryst also has a happy hour seven days a week and live jazz on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.

“[Tryst] can be whatever you want it to be, really,” she said. “We’re always full of people, so you never have to feel alone or shady.”

But if you crave something a little more presidential, head down the rabbit hole to the basement of the Hay Adams hotel.

Within throwing distance of the White House, caricatures of Washington’s political culture can be seen in the din. A throwback to a D.C. of yesteryear, this classic bar is a place to be “seen and not heard,” said Andrew Welch, the food and beverage director of the Hay Adams hotel.

What does that mean, exactly?

“The name of the bar speaks for itself,” Welch said. Essentially, what happens at Off the Record stays off the record.

The downtown proximity to political, business and law offices brings in some big names, and Welch aims to maintain the quality experience for which the bar is known. The environment fosters relaxing conversation — the room is equipped with a fireplace — and a great specialty cocktail list is the cherry on top.

What happens once you set your sights on a hangout?

“You have to expand your search criteria,” explains OKCupid’s Yagan, whose site uses mathematical equations to determine matches, rather than psychology — which is the basis of other dating sites.

“We changed the way dating works,” he adds. Most people, he says, limit themselves to only seeking out individuals who fit in their predetermined notion of a perfect mate: one political affiliation, age range or other trait.

“People say things like, ‘Oh, I would never date someone four years younger than me.’ Really? Probably you would.”

At places that have an ambiance and culture all their own, striking up a conversation and asking for someone’s Twitter handle is easy. And you never know what might come of it.

Scagliarnini, the manager at Tryst, said she recently set up a reservation for a man on a Saturday night — which is always a no-no, because of how busy the cafe can be. But this was a special occasion: He had met his current girlfriend at random on a particular couch — and he wanted to propose on that same piece of thrift furniture on the same night two years later.

She said yes.

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How Important Is Physical Attraction In A Relationship?

Imagine you meet the guy or girl of your dreams. This person is funny, smart, likes the same things as you and is the biggest sweetheart ever. Only catch? They’re kind of lacking in the looks department. Do you let your lack of physical attraction ruin the relationship… Or does it not matter to you?

Basically, we’re asking: are looks important? Is physical attraction a huge part of a relationship, or is that just superficial? We saw this topic in the gURL.com message boards, and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Read what these girls had to say about looks in a relationship, and then let us know what you think.

silver44 said:

How important would you girls say physical attraction is in a relationship? I know a guy who wants to date me, and he’s perfect other than the fact that I’m just not physically attracted to him.

(L)iveYourLife replied and said:

I couldn’t date somebody who I wasn’t physically attracted to. Looks matter, and sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Keep looking and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t meet your standards!

luckybiatch replied and said:

It’s important and I do agree with the above gURLS, however when I first met my boyfriend, I wasn’t necessarily physically attracted to him. I believe girls, including me at the time, have standards higher held than girls in the past would, because of how media is portraying beauty. The more I got to know my boyfriend, the more physically attractive he became in my eyes. Not even a short while after beginning to date, I found him sexy and handsome (and his attractiveness just increases even to this day). So I believe even though you’re not physically attracted to this guy, I bet if you give it time, you might actually become more attracted. In my opinion, the personality of an individual makes them better looking. Looks can only last so long (we all age), but personality lasts a lifetime.

So what do we think? The fact is, no matter how shallow it sounds, physical attraction is important in a relationship. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t date someone unless they’re a male model… All it means is that you have to be a little attracted to the person in order for there to be sexual chemistry.

That being said, luckybiatch is exactly right when she said that the personality of a person makes them better looking. If a guy doesn’t look exactly how you want him to but his personality is amazing, you’re going to find him attractive no matter what. In the end, a relationship is about a strong emotional and physical attraction – with an emphasis on the emotional.

Dating During Divorce? Not So Fast...

Let’s start with the bad news: You’re on the road to divorce. But the good news is that romance, love and, yes, even marriage doesn’t need to end with divorce. In fact, a survey of 2,000 newly divorced people found that nearly 50 percent of divorced men were eager to get remarried, and 20 percent of divorced women were hoping to repeat their trip down the aisle. That’s inspiring news for everyone hoping to be hit by Cupid’s arrow once again.

But is dating during your divorce a good idea?

While it may indeed be true that “all’s fair in love,” a little common sense doesn’t hurt either. And while I’d never want to throw cold water on a budding romance, I have some words of wisdom that I’d like to share.

I have an immense amount of experience helping individuals and couples make it through the divorce process. And I have even helped many through the more peaceful and amicable process of divorce mediation, which can save everyone a great deal of time, stress and money. In light of these experiences, here’s my compassionate and informed advice if you’re thinking about jumping back into the dating scene, and perhaps even if you hear wedding bells ringing in your near future:

If you’ve started your divorce process, honestly evaluate how your separation or divorce is going. Is it contested or uncontested? Is it demanding a lot of your time and resources? Is it emotionally overwhelming? You want to lay the groundwork for a new, strong relationship while you’re in a “good place” emotionally, psychologically and perhaps even financially, too. You also want to be able to devote your time and attention to your divorce, because the decisions you make during this time will affect you for years to come. Further, consider how your spouse may react when he or she finds out you’re dating. Is that going to add fuel to a highly contested divorce? More than likely, the answer is “yes.”

If you haven’t started your divorce process, then it’s important that you know what the road ahead looks like -- so you can prepare yourself and focus on the outcome you want. You also need to be aware that the process can be time consuming and, at times, exhaustive and difficult. After all, even the most amicable divorce is still a divorce, and it’s human nature to feel angry, sad and disappointed -- and sometimes, all three at the same time.

Be aware that there is a possibility that your dating behavior during divorce could affect custody and parenting issues. Your children haven’t achieved finality and closure of the divorce, and putting a new person in their life right now isn’t recommended by child psychologists.

Also, custody and parenting may be negatively impacted if your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a questionable past. This can further complicate the divorce process and significantly increase your legal fees if the focus becomes this new person, instead of you and your own divorce.

I also suggest that you be careful about having your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night when you have overnights with the children. Innocently, the kids may comment to the other parent about how your boyfriend or girlfriend “tucked them into bed” or “gave them breakfast.” This could lead to an emotional response by your spouse and prevent settlement discussions from focusing on the real issues. Generally, if you use discretion and common sense and make an effort not to expose your children to your new boyfriend or girlfriend, it shouldn’t be an issue.

Happily ever after the second time ’round? Maybe -- or maybe not

It’s interesting to note that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. While the reason for this higher divorce rate is unknown, it could be that some of these second marriages got off to a rocky start, because the ex-spouses didn’t deal with the emotional impact of their divorce, and aren’t really ready for another relationship -- at least, not yet.

My best advice? When it comes to dating during or soon after divorce, rely on both the wisdom of your heart and the intelligence of your head -- and not one instead of the other.

Website Focused On How to Attract A Girl

Date Hotter Girls, a leading men’s dating advice company, just announced the launch of a information site dedicated to helping men learn the intricacies of how to attract a girl.

The site, which went live, on March 19, has several free articles and tips that help demystify female attraction. The topic of how to attract a girl gets tens of thousands of search engine queries a month and is one that baffles many single men.

“It’s very counter-intuitive,” explains Rob Judge, founder of Date Hotter Girls. “So many men struggle to decode a woman’s behavior. Men often think too logically about attraction when they should be approaching it emotionally.”

Much of the advice on the site hinges of the theme of “emotional intelligence.” Judge believes that if men can better understand a woman’s emotions, he can learn to elicit those emotions in an attractive way.

“It you look at what interests women,” explains Judge, “So much of it is predicated on the emotions women derive from the things they enjoy—from what they eat to the shows they watch.”

Judge’s unorthodox philosophy has been a hot topic for both men and women. The blogger has been invited to participate in women’s panels on dating, often to give a man’s perspective on the dating game.

“I enjoy getting feedback from women,” explains Judge. “I don’t think any of the advice I give is shameful or weird. Most guys are proud to practice the tips they read on my blog and in my products.”

Though some female bloggers have responded with less than favorable reviews of Judge’s approach on dating. Recently a blogger writing for The Frisky wrote a scathing review of Judge’s “Top 10 Best Texts of All Time” report, claiming Judge was encouraging men to adopt a cookie-cutter approach to dating.

“There will always be critics,” laughs Judge. “I think the fact women bloggers have such a visceral reaction to my material sort of proves its effectiveness. I mean, I am telling guys to get women emotional.”

Rob Judge has spent the past 5 years teaching men to meet and attract women, both through products and live coaching.

Date Hotter Girls has released several books on meeting and attracting women. Magnetic Messaging is the latest release from Judge.

Har Age Matter?

Does Age Matter?

I had a conversation with a friend over lunch in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s okay to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties.

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce, he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship.

Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Just because someone has the same life experiences as you, it doesn’t mean he/she has the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences -- and that can apply to how he treats sex and intimacy matters too.

After I dated Junior, I tested the waters by dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different Manimal species (including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only put into the category called “Excessive Talk about Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules”).

During this period I realized once again that despite sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” And when you’re not on the same page, entering an intimate relationship in the post-divorce stage can complicate things even more.

Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes and dislikes. It also creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, regardless of whether you want to have them as a romantic partner. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while due to divorce, it’s okay to play the field a bit as you “practice” dating -- but remember that “dating” and “intimacy” aren’t interchangeable.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he’s “really mature” or texts you at 11:30 p.m. asking, “Where you at?”

These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner.

It really is fun to realize you can attract younger men and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but it’s critical to recognize that its value is just that: a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew what I was looking for was a more holistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and someone who lived in Los Angeles. I’m now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than I am.

Of course there are times when I wonder if he’ll be attracted to me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles, or if it really does matter that I’ve let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I’m centered and come from a place of self-love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me: the good parts, the parts that are works in progress, and the woman who “looks good for 40-plus.”

Which brings me to the most important lesson of all: Instead of focusing on the number, determine your values, decide what you’re looking for in a partner, and then decide if the person matches your values, your maturity, and your vision for a partner. This is far more important than the digits on their driver’s license.

Proč byste neměli nechat zastrašit atraktivní ženy

Dating Site for Married Couples

NEW YORK — Can two thirtysomething guys who have never been married rescue the institution of marriage?

Well, this is New York, so they might as well try.

Meet Brian Schechter and Aaron Schildkrout, creators of the online dating site HowAboutWe, which until lately targeted an obvious demographic: singles.

Since 2010, the site has invited them to pitch date ideas online and respond to dates they like. Some recent ideas: riding motorcycles around and watching Star Trek (Texas); eating steak and cuddling in the rain (Akwa Ibom, Nigeria); and showing up blindfolded at a cafe and letting “our voices & fantasies decide about a 2nd date” (Bonn, Germany).

The site has been a success, attracting more than 700,000 date ideas. But its founders quickly discovered the commercial paradox of the dating site: The better you are at finding love for a client, the faster she signs off and ceases to pay you.

“If you succeed,” Mr. Schildkrout says, “you lose.”

And so the guys asked themselves: What if a dating site didn’t stop at finding you love? What if it also helped you “date” your life partner, and, through the surprise and renewal of that dating, to stay in love?

Later this year, Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout will release their answer to these questions: a new dating portal focused on committed couples. It will seek to get them out of their routines, off their feet and on the town for frequent dates.

Even for two unlikely businessmen who began their careers as schoolteachers, the business logic is plain: There is money to be made arranging dates for 50 years instead of the six to 12 months that HowAboutWe’s single clients tend to last.

But the two men, who have been best friends since kindergarten, will tell anyone who listens that their mission is deeper. They believe that dates — surprising, sexy, rejuvenating dates — are what marriage needs to survive in an era when it is becoming a choice more than a necessity for so many.

“We want to build a product that helps people find and then sustain love — and I think that the sustaining love part is harder,” Mr. Schechter said over coffee at the W hotel in Times Square.

A singles site, he said, is straightforward enough. He speaks of his new cause in far loftier terms. The goal is “figuring out how to make it so that the divorce rate goes down and that it becomes the norm for people to feel like their relationship actually satisfies their existential hope.”

Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout are hardly the first people concerned about the state of marriage and divorce in the Western world. But that concern tends to be voiced more often by religious leaders and archconservatives than by two never-married men who studied meditation in India and have offices among the artists, writers, D.I.Y. types and organic-wine-swilling hipsters of Brooklyn.

Because neither has ever married, Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout felt they needed to investigate the institution before seeking to reform it. They commissioned a study based on interviews with committed couples about their dating lives.

What they found was that the enthusiasm displayed on their singles site — people boldly proposing taco-hopping dates and prankster dates and blindfolded dates; people grasping constantly for the new — faded swiftly for the committed. Mortgages and children and budgets sapped energy. Couples changed. They began to want what was safe, not fresh.

Some excerpts from their interviews: “Very price conscious and needs to feel like she’s getting a deal.” “Is not a romantic and doesn’t plan much in advance.” “Novelty wears off.” “You’re more used to each other and are trying less.” “The usual issues with babysitters.” One subject’s last memorable date involved “going out to special German restaurant around a specific errand they had planned at Ikea.”

Outside the start-up galaxy, people might hear these interviews and say, “Well, that’s life. People age. Things change.” But if digital people have a defining conceit, it is that humans are plastic, and that there is a hack for just about everything.

Each blockage HowAboutWe found among the committed couples they studied has a corresponding feature on the new site. To overcome the inertia it detected, the site will offer fully packaged date ideas. To address logistical woes, HowAboutWe is working to make the packages available with a single click that will book your taxi, theater tickets and corner table at the Italian trattoria.

For Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout, each idea leads to another. They could arrange babysitters for couples. They could help slouchy husbands send, with one click, fancy date invitations that suggest a labor of many clicks. They could allow couples to follow the dates of other couples they admire — a digital way to keep up with the Joneses.

It is difficult in speaking to Mr. Schechter and Mr. Schildkrout to avoid the feeling that there is something personal in this quest. They built their singles site back when they were single and seeking dates. They have since each found a steady romantic partnership, and perhaps they want to improve marriage before taking its solemn vows for themselves.

“There is inertia that makes love hard to sustain, just like there is inertia that makes health hard to sustain over time,” Mr. Schildkrout said. “But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a truly noble goal — and something people want and will pay for — to try to fight that inertia, to create an upward love curve. We want an exponential love curve when we measure love against time.”