Attention guys interested in hooking up: If you have trouble getting a woman in bed, you’re obviously doing something wrong.
What’s worse, you might be doing a whole lot of things wrong and not realize it.
Fear not. The fairer sex is pitching in to help you score by contributing to a new book that identifies a boatload of male habits that are surefire dealbreakers for women. Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Having Sex (Villard Books, $15) might just be the most valuable new tome to correct that embarrassing dry spell, fellas.
“This is not a man-bashing book. We love men,” said Ellen Rakieten, who co-authored the book with Anne Coyle. “But guys, when you say, ‘Come to daddy’ and that’s your way of suggesting sex, we’re kinda grossed out.”
The authors interviewed hundreds of women to collect a mixed bag of these gross-outs, which are detailed, quite humorously, in Undateable. The no-nos are broken down into four categories, from the fairly innocent to the outlandishly hideous. Examples from each of the four categories:
1. Red Flag (innocent mistakes that can easily be corrected): Black jeans; mandannas; cell phones on the waist; Crocs; faux hawks; saying “You da man!”; vanity plates; owning a bong (if you’re over 30); stacks of reading material by the toilet.
2. Storm Cloud (warning, these are more serious offenses that indicate potentially grave problems): Soul patch; Hawaiian shirts; murse (man purse); sideways baseball caps; fanny packs; referring to women as “my old lady” or “main squeeze”; shaving your chest; playing Dungeons & Dragons; rearranging your junk in public; referring to your car as “she”; bad table manners.
3. Not Getting Any(major issues that will stop the potential of sex dead in its tracks): Dad jeans and acid-washed jeans; holiday sweaters; bike shorts; tube socks; transition sunglasses; Ed Hardy-esque wear; double denim (denim top with denim jeans giving the illusion of a denim jumpsuit, aka “The Canadian Tuxedo”); gold chains; painting your face for sporting events; owning a rodent; open mouth breathing; berating wait staff.
4. Kiss of Death (just what it means): Hair plugs; tighty whities; Cosby sweaters; mesh tops; guylights (hair highlights or frostings); mandals (sandals worn with socks); Speedos; comb-overs; mullets; Soprano-speak; full-body waxing; bringing a baseball glove to a professional game; attending medieval festivals; biting or chewing nails; owning a reptile; using steroids.
While women love a makeover, Rakieten said this book doesn’t seek to wholly change men, just make them more aware about what women find sketchy. Hopefully, guys can adjust some of these habits before it becomes too late, she said.
“You don’t want undateable to turn into unsexable,” she said.
What men should not do is ground well covered in Undateable. But conversely, what should men do to impress women?
“There’s nothing sexier than a man with confidence,” Rakieten said. “If you have a little swagger and confidence, that’s good. If you are going bald, then do an Ed Harris. In the end, what women really like is a man who knows what he likes and has the balls to stick with it. If you want to wear your double denim and you don’t care, then great. Go with it.”
