Give the Barman a Shot!

I recently went out on a couple of dates with a bartender. My friends are horrified and think I’m setting myself up for immediate disappointment. My only argument against them comes in the form of Miranda and Steve from “Sex and the City,” which I admit is a flimsy reference. Is there life with a guy whose work starts way late and revolves around slinging drinks to cute girls?

— Sarah H., Brooklyn

No one should judge your choice of men. Period. First of all, what person hasn’t started off bartending or working in a restaurant? I know I have. If you really like him, see where it goes. You won’t know until you give it a try. The only downside are the late nights, but if you think you can handle it, then go for it! You guys just started dating, so you don’t know where he’s at or what he aspires to be professionally. Plus, if it doesn’t bother you, then who cares?

I know you want to believe that your friends have your best interests at heart. But sometimes, advice from friends — who may be in very different places than you and may have very different standards than you — can do more harm than good.

Follow your heart and just go with what feels right to you. If you don’t mind the late nights and you trust his actions with all the “cute girls,” then don’t let his current job stop you from seeing where this could go. After all, while “SATC” was a TV show, the episodes always featured very real experiences, so maybe your situation could turn out to be like Miranda and Steve’s!

I was in lesbian relationships for more than a decade before marrying my husband. Now, I love and only want to be with him. We have two beautiful children, and I’m very happy, but he has zero tolerance for my being friends with any of my exes. In the gay community, though, this is totally normal. I don’t want to just drop them as friends especially since I wouldn’t ask him to do the same. How can I keep my gal pals and assure him that my lesbian days are over?

— Lily S., Westchester

Well, first things first: There is a big difference between “gal pals” and ex-lovers. And as I’ve said time and time again, it’s not appropriate to hang out with people you were previously involved with sexually — no matter their sexual orientation.

I might have to side with your husband on this one. I especially feel for him because you were in relationships with women for 10 years, which is a long time. I’m sure he can’t help but wonder when you’re hanging out with your “gal pals” whether you still feel something for them. I know you said that you’re happily married and only want him, but unless you’re showing and proving that to him on a regular basis — and his hesitancy makes me think you may not be — than he’s got good reason to be skeptical.

There are a few things to take into consideration: First, did he always know about your past relationships and experiences? Second, were you always clear about not wanting to completely cut yourself out of that life? And finally, if so, was he OK with that? If the answer is yes, then he should acknowledge and respect what he signed up for. If the answer is no, then you should understand where he’s coming from. After all, what’s your motivation here? Is it really that important for you to remain friends with your ex-lovers? At a certain point in life, you have to make choices about what’s most important to you. If you’re a committed heterosexual, than I’d like to think it’s most important to please and respect your partner rather than be so concerned with what’s accepted in the “gay community,” which, truth be told, you’re no longer a part of.

Oletko riippuvaisiksi Internet Dating Game?

Dating Site Lets You Virtually Court Your Fantasy Mate

Remember Cloud Girlfriend, that mysterious startup we covered whose tagline was, “The best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one”? Well, it’s finally launched, and we’ve got invites.

The initial conceit of the site, according to founder David Fuhriman, was that it would employ a legion of women to write on men’s walls as “cloud girlfriends,” demonstrating a dude’s popularity to all of his female friends (who would apparently fly into jealous rages over the digital flirting and pounce #SarcMark).

The current iteration of the site is a bit different — what Fuhriman describes as a mix between Match.com and Second Life. Users log in through Facebook and create a profile using a selection of headshots of attractive people (not their own snaps). They then fill out a rather simplistic profile, which allows one to choose between such options as “Books or Movies” (what if you like both?), “Lady Gaga or Lady Di?” (for women only — and there’s no sexual preference options) and “Sunday Church or Sunday Football” (for dudes — apparently it’s church or sports, no in-between).

After looking through a bunch of photos of fake people and their accompanying profiles, you can choose someone to chat with. “We allow people to define their ideal self, find their perfect girlfriend or boyfriend and connect and interact as if that person existed,” Fuhriman says. “It can help in learning how to manage a real relationship, and they then can take it into the real world.” The site makes money by selling virtual gifts and goods.

While we admire Fuhriman’s intentions — he hopes that the site will build confidence and increase sharing and communication (he’s also co-founder of volunteer site 5000Hands) — the whole thing seems a little counterintuitive to us.

By choosing photos that are not, in fact you, the idea could be perceived to be that looks don’t matter. But if that is, in fact, the case, why choose a photo of someone much more attractive than you are in reality when looking to score a date?

The words “ideal” and “perfect” are inherently dangerous when applied to dating and relationships (as rarely anyone is either) — in fact, a recent study by dating site OKCupid shows that women who are more divisive (a.k.a. men find them either ugly or hot) get more attention. Why? Because they let their personality — along with what could be perceived as flaws — shine through.

Why build all your hopes on fantasy when you could get to know a more interesting — albeit flawed — reality?

Still, I guess we can’t really knock it wholly till we try it. Cloud Girlfriend has provided us with 500 invite codes (use the code “mashable”) for men looking to join the site. Apparently, women can join sans code, since the site was initially marketed toward men.

האם אתה דייטינג מתעלל?

10 Surprising Signs

You’d have to be crazy to hook up with an abuser, right? That’s what I thought, but after working on our relationship violence story for six months, I was shocked by how smart and cool the women who get fooled are. The thing is, these guys are super charmers, pulling off Oscar-worthy performances of Mr. Dream Dude -- at least while they’re wooing you. And then, when they’ve got you madly in love with them, ka-bang, their violent true colors start showing.

The good news: there are definite danger sings a guy is an abuser before he ever raises a fist -- and they start with you just having a funny feeling in your pit of your stomach. Because possessiveness and control are major red flags, Cindy Southworth, a VP at the National Network to End Domestic Violence, suggests this little test: “Break a date at the beginning when he’s all hot and heavy, and tell him your girlfriend needs you. If he says, ‘I’m disappointed but I understand,’ great. But if it’s, ‘I can’t bear to be apart,’ or he makes you feel guilty, puts your friend down, or gets angry, these are not good signs!”

Here are a few other red flags from Southworth and the whole team of experts at the National Network to End Domestic Violence, both for you and -- in case you’re worried about a friend -- for her:

Watch out if your guy

• Is so crazy about you he wants to settle in as soon as you meet.
• Is really, weirdly jealous. (He should be uncomfortable if you go away for the weekend with your ex-boyfriend, but if he accuses you of flirting with every guy you encounter -- the waiter, the cashier, a gay buddy -- it’s a red flag.)
• Texts so much, it sometimes creeps you out.
• Doesn’t think your friends and family value you enough, or even at all.

Also watch out if

• You are always tired because he keeps you up at night.
• You’re always explaining to people “I can’t go.”
• Your anxiety soars if you’re just a few minutes late -- you know how upset he’ll be.
• Things are always your fault.
• You get a lot of apology emails or make-up gifts from him.
• You find you don’t do anything without him, or without him approving of it.

Run if

• You find out he had a violent relationship with a former girlfriend.
• He stalks you -- at work, online, with GPS in your car.
• He beats up a teammate or has a punch-out in a bar.
• He’s ever been cruel to animals.
• He is ever physically violent to you.
• And if you’re worried about a friend? She might be in trouble if:

She starts saying she can’t come to things you invite her to (because she has to be with her boyfriend).

When you’re with her, she’s always on-edge about returning his messages immediately or being late to meet him.

She has bruises or scratches she can’t explain or tells you they were caused by an accident.

She stops doing things she loved before meeting the guy -- hobbies, shopping, school, even working.

You just feel like you’re losing her.

Have you or a friend ever witnessed any of these warning signs?

The Virgins-Only Dating Website

By Amy Julia Becker

Fewer and fewer Americans are getting married. Those who do are, on average, waiting longer to wed than have previous generations. But according to Time’s “Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution,” women and men still want to meet and build relationships with each other, so marriage remains an ideal. Because of this, reports Stephanie Rosenblum in The New York Times, online dating sites of a remarkable variety have proliferated in recent years. Some are based purely on physical appearance, others focus on hobbies and interests, while others highlight education or the type of computer you use.

Wading into these crowded waters is WeWaited.com, a dating site exclusively for virgins. Only 30 percent of applicants to the site are admitted, and they gain access through a fee and a survey designed to assess their trustworthiness. The site’s founders admit that some virgins are left out due to the rigorous screening process, while some who lie about their sexual activity make it in. But, according to its homepage, WeWaited.com mostly achieves its goal: “to use virginity as a significant compatibility tool to bring people together.”

If movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and covers of Cosmopolitan weren’t enough, sociological data back up the fact that virginity before marriage is rare in the West. According to the Guttmacher Institute, 95 percent of Americans engage in premarital sex. So WeWaited.com offers a safe space for the small segment of the population who want to stay virgins until marriage. It enables partners who value their own virginity to pair up, and it affirms the desire to remain chaste before marriage.

The founders of the site, a husband and wife team who exchanged their “vows and their virginities” on their wedding day, believe virginity is something that goes beyond physical intercourse. They see it as physical, emotional, and spiritual, and believe waiting to exchange their “whole selves” until their wedding was a blessing.

WeWaited.com (formerly called YouandMeArePure.com) is not explicitly Christian, but its view of sex as something involving the whole person aligns with the Christian view. As Wheaton provost Stanton L. Jones writes in the January issue of Christianity Today, sex has meaning, and that meaning is derived from God’s intentions for sex, not from our intentions or desires. For Christians, sex is not a merely physical act, but one with implications for gender relationships, embodiment, procreation, personal fulfillment, and God’s glory. “God made sexual intercourse to create and sustain a permanent, one-flesh union in a male-female married couple,” Jones writes.

So on many levels, providing a space for virgins to meet one another is a good thing. It affirms a biblical perspective on the purpose of marriage as well as the significance and goodness of sex within marriage. And in spite of cultural norms and sociological data that suggest virginity is impossible, WeWaited.com provides proof that it is possible and desirable, if challenging, to remain a virgin into adulthood.

Despite its strengths, the site, and the idea of Christian virgins seeking only fellow virgins as partners, poses problems. First, by narrowing the pool of potential partners to virgins, Christians run the risk of making virginity — rather than a commitment to the gospel — the litmus test of a relationship. God cares about virginity. But, as Paul wrote, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14). A shared love for Jesus matters even more than a pure sexual past when it comes to Christian relationships. Second, although Christians uphold an ethos that supports sexual relations exclusively within marriage, virginity should not become an idol. To eliminate the vast majority of the population — including a good majority of Christians — as potential marriage partners may well emphasize sexual purity at the expense of God’s power to forgive and redeem.

The Bible advocates sexual purity. Further, though, a number of passages demonstrate how Christians should respond to sexual activity outside of marriage. Jesus, for instance, refuses to condemn the woman caught in adultery (John 8). He chooses a Samaritan woman who is living with a man who is “not her husband” as one of the first evangelists (John 4). The text assumes that the women’s sexual activity will be different in the future because of their encounter with Jesus, and with God’s grace, God’s willing and undeserved forgiveness for their sin. “Go and leave your life of sin,” Jesus says.

Similarly, Paul often addresses congregations of new believers who engaged in sexual sin before their conversion. He instructs them with a message of forgiveness for the past and encouragement for new life in Christ in the future. And as Peter writes, “you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do — living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. . .” (1 Pet. 4:3). Contemporary Americans, including many Christians, have sex before marriage. In so doing, they bring harm to themselves and to others. But God’s grace has always been able to redeem sins of the past.

Christians should be concerned with sexual purity. And it is a relief for Christians to find a safe space that does not assume premarital promiscuity as the norm. Moreover, God’s ideal for marriage includes both partners entering a covenant as virgins who give of themselves — body, mind, and spirit — only to each other. WeWaited.com implies that virginity is crucial to compatibility. But the highest concern for Christians in dating, and ultimately marriage, is a relationship based on the love and grace of Jesus Christ, the one who forgives all sin, the one who calls us to forgive one another, the one who can make all things, and all people, new.

Hur till Land en rik man

Dating After Divorce and Other Lessons Learned

By Susan Orlins

After my separation at age 52, I thought I’d simply revert to the lively dating life I’d had in my twenties. It didn’t work that way. Most men my age seemed to have an eye only for women whose necks were long and smooth like a Chardonnay bottle.

I thought cosmetic surgery would help. Then I looked around and, though I saw some women who’d benefitted, I decided the possibility of looking worse was too real. And who wants to have their head stapled anyway?

I threw my self a divorce party, which was a great way to meet people. Plus it gave me a celebratory Auntie Mame aura.

At every opportunity, I cultivated new friendships with interesting men to go to dinner with. I never hesitated to call a guy to join me for an outing.

Everyone said you have to lie about your age. But lying about my age on my online dating profile backfired. If you decide to lie about your age, I suggest preserving the deception. Thinking I was being up front, I’d fess up right away and that was the end before there was even a beginning.

One friend told me he was fixed up with a woman he liked, but he thought she was too young, 48 to his 56. He wanted to age together with someone. Then he learned she had lied about her age, but he never asked her out again.

Avoid using the C-word or references to accelerating a relationship too soon. Some men are terrified of commitment, which everyone knows, but after divorce that kind of memory can dim.

On the other hand, men seem to get scooped up within months of becoming divorced or widowed, so timing is tricky.

I spent several years with Mr. Wrong and it was a wonderful time. I learned to give up notions I had when I was younger of how someone needed to look or act for me to be attracted. I learned to broaden the narrow universe of available men.

I weighed the odds. It took going to around 10 singles events to meet one guy I wanted to go out with. Finally I decided I’d rather spend the time going to a movie alone.

Swing dancing saved me. Just knowing I could go dancing any night of the week gave me a boost. Maybe I’d go once or twice a week. The music, the exercise, the human contact was exhilirating. People were there to dance, so not much for dating opportunities, but doing something I loved was more fun than a mediocre date!

Every summer I try to take a bike trip. Exercise always elevates the mood. Yoga adds yet another dimension. Being kind to your body helps your soul.

Going out with couples can be twice the fun.

Reframing helps. In my case, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I thought about the positives of being able to spend more time with my aging parents. Also I have some treasured friendships that divorce allowed me time to cultivate.

I compensated for the time my children spent with their dad. For example, I began getting up early so we could all have breakfast together before they went to school (which felt like the 50’s, when I was a kid).

I learned from others. One night I heard Paula Allende on C-Span talking about her daughter Paula, who had died. She referred to the remarkable ability of the human spirit to rise above adversity. Wow, if she could, then so could I. Though of course, the loss of a child is something you never recover from the way you can from a divorce.

Divorced with kids means "married for life." So if your ex is as devoted to the kids as mine is, then it improves both your and your kids’ lives to strive for harmony. We have been taking "family" vacations every summer for around 8 years now. We all look forward to that week.

Finally, I learned I don’t need a man to make me whole, in fact, my newest worry is what if I meet a guy I like? Then what?

7 Raisons Pourquoi Rencontres peut être un défi

Dating Online? Beware Of Spelling And Grammar Errors!

Dating may have become hi-tech, but romantic rituals remain much the same, says a new study. Like in traditional dating, online love birds are influenced by non-verbal cues like spelling errors, the number of exclamation marks and the use of grammar.

Zoe Hazelwood, psychologist at the Queensland University of Technology (QUT), who led the study, has found that traditional and online dating are, in fact, very similar.

For example, she found non-verbal communication was also just as important in online dating as it was in traditional dating, according to a QUT statement.

“Although online traditional non-verbal cues are not present, in our research we found people do judge potential partners on things aside from what they are saying,” she said.

“People form impressions online based on things like spelling errors, use of acronyms, amount of exclamation marks, use of grammar - things like that.

“They may not pursue a relationship with someone if they do not like their writing style, or feel they have poor spelling.”

Another habit that is present in traditional and online dating was the tendency to present ourselves as - just slightly - more interesting and interested than we actually are at the start of a relationship.

Online dating has also allowed an avenue for people young and old to reach out and find connections, said Hazelwood.

“One of the things I found pleasing was that online dating stretched across all age groups,” she said. “In our research, one of the participants was a 76-year-old female. She and her partner, who was the same age, met online and were getting married.”

Hazelwood’s research found that traditional daters and online daters had roughly the same relationship success rate - despite many people believing that online dating was not as likely to be as successful as traditional dating.

Uno su quattro coppie si incontrano online