How to Pick Up an Australian Man

By Krystin Arneson

One of the best parts of traveling by yourself is the people you meet. I met Nate at the hostel (poor college grad here) I was staying at in Granada, an old city in southern Spain with gorgeous Islamic-influenced architecture and flamenco dancing in the gypsy caves that surround the center. We started chatting on a tour of the city and then made plans the next day to get up early to go see the Alhambra, a Moorish palace complex that draws most of the tourists to the city. Nate found out I hadn’t yet had Granada tapas, and we were starving after a morning spent hiking in 104-degree heat, so he took me and two others from the hostel that had joined us on a tour of the city’s tapas offerings, food which happens to be free when you order a drink (of any sort).

Full disclaimer: Everything was totally platonic, so no juicy stories today. But Nate, like literally every single other Australian guy I met, was so much fun. And I always meet Australians—like, so many I actually looked up some numbers, which is really hard to do for a writer first thing in the morning. But seriously, it’s shocking: Last year, there were 7.8 million vacations taken out of Australia, and 32 percent of them were to places other than the South Pacific, China, New Zealand or the States. And because the third and fourth-highest group of travellers fall into the 25- to 34-year-old range, if you go abroad, it’s decently likely you’re going to meet one of these lovely men.

If you do (you lucky girl!) or if you’re on the scout for one, there are a few things you should be aware of:

- They are so, so, so, so, so nice. The guys are some of the friendliest I’ve ever met, and they’re incredibly social. Making plans with them is easy, even if you’ve only been chatting with them for a while — they’re always up for something!

- The way to an Australian man’s heart is through sports. I mean, not all of us wake up on Sunday mornings and watch a recap of the latest Cronulla Sharks rugby game, but bringing up the r-word will get any guy talking. Also, cheeky hint: They have a version of American football, aptly called Australian football, so that just opens up all sorts of conversational possibilities.

- It can be hard to tell if they’re into you or not. They’re kind of American in that way (in fact, in a lot of ways), so you’re not going to be able to tell as easily. On the flip side though, if you have a totally platonic relationship with one, it’s going to be really genuine and strong.

- Outback Steakhouse is not Australia. Most Australians watch Outback Steakhouse commercials with a deep and potent loathing.

- Drinks are terribly expensive in Australia (I’ve been told $19 is the going rate for a cocktail), so when in Europe or the States, those who do like a cold beer generally don’t mind taking advantage of the lower prices.

- That being said, don’t order him a Fosters.

- Also, don’t ask if he wants to head over to your vacation rental later for “shrimp on the barbie.”

- Nearby sidenote: Guys from New Zealand tend to be pretty outdoorsy. I mean, if I lived on a beautiful island covered in mountains and forests and beautiful rivers, I’d probably never be inside. So if camping and watersports and the occasional adrenaline rush are your thing, you’re in luck!

Why Dating Is Like Refrigerator Shopping

By Ariane Marder

Yes, it’s true. A real-life man (with 40 years of life under his belt, no less) said that dating is basically like going to Walmart and comparing refrigerators.

I should say off the bat that said guy is on my sh*t list. And once you hear the story, you’ll most likely agree that he deserves two thumbs down.

A friend of mine has been dating a guy for the last year-and-a-half. He seemed great and really into her. He even brought up marriage and told her he was ready to settle down. But recently, he’s been having the grown-up version of ants in his pants and second-guessing the relationship.

One night after he returned from his college reunion, he said to her, “I’ve been thinking. I never really thought I’d end up with someone who wasn’t Ivy League.” (Blogger’s note: EW!) Then he went on to commit metaphor-suicide: “I’m not the type of person to buy the first refrigerator I see. I shop around and compare before committing.”

Seriously, dude, no girl wants to be a compared to a household appliance—EVER! And if you have a Sub-Zero, why in the world would you want anything else?!

Caught My Husband Online Dating

Hi Meredith,

I have been with my husband for 12 years, and married for almost 10. I am 34 and we have two kids. A few months after my second one was born, I happened upon a dating site left open on my husband’s laptop. He had not only created a profile but also corresponded with several women looking to have an intimate fling. It’s a pay for dating kind of site.

We have had several things going on in our life. He is finishing up his studies. We recently relocated to a new state to be closer to my family. We have never had a great sex life because of issues on both sides. It’s something we have both tried to work on, off and on. I feel the issues are more on his side though (physically mostly). It frustrated me terribly in the beginning, but I learned to live with it because I thought everything else was perfect. He was thoughtful, helpful, always remembered anniversaries, and always had something special planned. We are great friends, I admired and respected him, and I trusted him completely.

When I confronted him about the website, I found out that he had been doing it for six months (from the time my second daughter was a month old). He said he never intended for it to go anywhere, though he did meet one of the women once. But I don’t know how much to believe him. When I first found out, I asked him to not touch anything on his profile until I had time to think about it. And when I finally decided a couple of days later that I needed to go through the site and find out the extent of his betrayal, I found that he had changed some things to tone down what he had done. That eroded my trust further because he had promised he wouldn’t change anything on the site. Now I don’t think I can believe anything he says.

I don’t know what to do. He is a good father. He says he will never do it again. But my trust is lost.

I don’t know if I can leave him. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken family, and I am certain I don’t want to remarry or have any other men in my life. I have always been against marriage and felt that it was only because my husband was so exceptional that it made sense (my father abandoned us when we were kids). A divorce would also cause a lot of heartache in both our families (we are from a country where this is not common).

Is this a big deal or is it a deal breaker? I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to tell my family because I am afraid they will stop respecting him. I have asked him to come clean with his parents because it would make me feel like it’s a sign of being truly repentant. (I am not religious.) It’s been two months since I found out and he hasn’t done it yet. He is seeing a psychiatrist and telling her his life story so that’s more a shoulder to whine and cry on than someone who will hold him accountable for what he did.

Shall we live together and find a way to make this bearable or should I move on? Am I right in insisting that he tell his parents or at least someone who will hold him accountable? He has lost that chance with me since I already found out on my own. What should I do to make this situation livable?

– Looking for Answers, Massachusetts

A: I’m not convinced that things will get any better if he tells his parents, LFA. Sure, you’ll get some temporary pleasure from watching someone else get mad at him, but then what? Don’t assume that he’ll learn a lesson by confessing. Don’t assume that his parents can shame him into being a better guy.

I want you to talk to your inner circle about all of this because you both need support. Forget the redemption and punishment stuff for a bit and focus on getting help from the people who love you.

And please, let’s not assume that the psychiatrist is just sitting around and validating him. That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Tell him that you want to join him at these sessions. And please, see a therapist on your own. Therapy is a good thing.

I wish I could tell you whether to stick it out, but I just don’t know enough about what’s happening in his head. All I can say is that you have to find people to lean on. You moved closer to your family for a reason. This is no time for isolation.

Also know this: Broken families are bad, but so are tense, resentful families who stay together without love and trust. You need to figure out what will make you a happy parent. That’s the most important thing. Find help and start asking questions.

Readers? Thoughts on her telling her community and him telling his parents? What about their sex life? And the online dating? Can a couple move beyond this kind of betrayal? Help.

– Meredith

Guide To Double Dating

When we say double dating, we mean one person seeing two or more people at the same time. As much as the question brings up huge lectures on what’s ethical and what’s not, here’s a six-rule non-judgemental perspective of how you can manage at being such a terrible flirt and enjoy it while you do.

Be honest

When you start going out with someone let them know right away that you are not ready to commit and you are seeing other people. Honesty will save you and the people you are seeing, a sure heartache later. Being honest also helps you build other bonds with them. So, if the ‘dating’ doesn’t work out, they just might become your best friends later.

Don’t double book on the same day

Give yourself and your emotional state the ability to process your experiences. If you go out with one guy/girl in the afternoon and another later that night, you will get confused about both experiences. Stagger the dates over a few days. Also, you don’t want to fall in love with both of them in the same way. The fondness will only grow, eventually, but if you date them too close to each other, you might not know who actually is making you smile.

Make sure you have some alone time

Don’t go out every night with someone. Make personal time for yourself. If you really like both the people you are dating, you will want that time to figure out who you want to stay with. You can also include them in this personal time, but ensure they know this is your time and they’re just there to complement you. This is not about them. This also helps them understand the ‘real’ you.

Put a time limit on the deal and let them know as well

If you decide to date more than one person at a time, your feelings can get jumbled up. Set a time limit to make a decision about where you stand and keep that time limit. If at the end of that time limit you still don’t know who you would pick, tell them that you don’t pick either. (Time apart may help you decide who you really want... if you want one of them that is!). Also having a time limit in your head makes it easier for you to realise what’s happening in you. It helps you keep control of the situation and not end up feeling like a fool for not falling or falling for both of them.

Don’t go to the same places with them

If your jazz lover has a special nightclub he/she likes, don’t take your football player (you get the drift!) to that same place. Avoid the same coffee shops, the same hang-out areas and maybe even the same areas of town you frequent. It’s much easier to deal with two dates if they do not see you dating the other person. They will know, but they do not need to see.

Avoid playing jealousy games

Don’t rub salt in the wound. Period. They’re being understanding enough to accept your ‘wayward’ ways and so give them a break and don’t pit them against each other so obviously. Leave the pitting in your mind, when you’re making the decision.

Why Dating Needs More Politics

By Cristen Conger

If you’re looking for love during this Presidential campaign season (or any time, as a matter of fact), there’s a quick way to figure out whether that online profile incarnate is a genuinely compatible match: talk about politics. Oh, wait. That’s one of the four topics -- alongside money, sex and religion -- Emily Post says young ladies must never, ever broach on a first date, right? Well sure, if you want to be a polite and all, don’t mention the electoral college and super PACs. That said, personal experience has taught me that etiquette quickly curtsies and exits once you’ve found a keeper. And at the end of the night, isn’t dating really just a search for someone who won’t recoil at the sight of you polishing off a couple dozen chicken wings in bed while watching Girls?

Just as we’re loathe to divulge secret habits, such as the embarrassing places we consume take- out, to prospective suitors, a 2011 study quaintly titled “Do bedroom eyes wear political glasses?” found that political views (not-so-surprisingly) aren’t interests we readily advertise in the dating market. Out of the 2,944 online dating profiles the political scientists analyzed, only 14 percent acknowledged politics, with most blandly describing their stances as “middle of the road.” Furthermore, people’s red or blue leanings ranked fourth-from-last out of 27 dating profile interest categories, cozily sandwiched between video games and business networking.

Granted, a Pew Research Center survey published that same year also found an increasing number of Americans shying away from Republican or Democratic affiliations, so maybe that online dating data represented a broader distaste for all-things-Beltway. However, the survey also found that people’s political ideologies were nevertheless entrenched in conservative or liberal values and platforms, which implies that many of those online daters probably weren’t as “middle of the road” as they might’ve wished to appear in hopes of casting a wide dating net. Either way, we clearly seem to think politics and romance don’t go together.

But all of that dainty tiptoeing around donkeys and elephants might do an eventual disservice for folks who are sincerely interested in long-term relationships because like it or not, people tend to end up with politically like-minded people. Another study published in 2011 put thousands of American married couples who had been together anywhere from one to 67 years under a sociological microscope to find out to what extent spouses see eye-to-eye on political and social issues, compared to how they match up on more biologically and genetically influenced traits, like physique and personality. The in-depth data finagling unearthed a bit of fascinating insight: above and beyond similar personality traits, affect and beauty, attitudes on politics and religion held much stronger correlations between husbands and wives. In other words, a tall, introverted Romney fan is statistically more likely settle down with a short, social butterfly Republican than a statuesque bookworm Obama-ite.

It’s also worth noting that the study didn’t just ask participants to check their preferred political parties and call it a day. It polled them on a 28-item index of political and social issues, including abortion, gay rights, living together and immigration. Regardless of how long a couple had been canoodling, those similarities also remained strong. In the words of the study authors: “It would appear humans place more importance on finding a mate who is a kindred spirit with regard to politics, religion and social activity than they do on locating similar mates in terms of physique or personality...”

So even though we’re most likely to end up with someone who shares core values like politics, as opposed to hot-or-not ranking and grade-A personalities, we don’t want to spoil the superficial fun quite so quickly, those two studies imply. Despite the overwhelming empirical evidence that humans generally adhere to assortative mating in which birds of a feather flock together, we want to believe, for whatever reason, that opposites attract. Not to say there aren’t potential benefits of bucking the study findings and crossing party lines. A Bush-Kerry era New York Magazine story profiled a cluster of liberal-leaning singles who had inadvertantly slept with or dated conservatives and reported back red-hot romps, in the words of one source, “because of the forbidden aspect,” dampened only by their guilt of fraternizing with the political enemy.

Now, if playing a round of “Would You Rather: Mitt or Barack Edition” on a date still doesn’t sit well, OKCupid offers another way to deduce a person’s probable political affiliations. Just toss out this head-scratcher: “Do you prefer people in your life to be complex or simple?” According to the dating site’s enormous vault of personal information on would-be lovers, “complexity-preferrers are 65-70% likely to give the Liberal answer. And those who prefer simplicity in others are 65-70% likely to give the Conservative one.”

Or, if you’re looking for a kind of love like I am that knows no political bounds (and aren’t we all?), you can ask extend a more straightforward inquiry -- chicken wings in bed: Check yes or no.

Indonesian Women Take Dating Into Their Own Hands

In the past, women were expected to wait around for a man to choose them. But that image of the princess sighing out the window of the tallest tower no longer applies in Indonesia. Educated Indonesian women know what they want, and with the help of modern technology they are going out to get it.

Armed with a list of characteristics that they look for in a partner, more women are signing up to online dating sites to find their very own Prince Charming, with varying degrees of success.

We talk confidentially to three women about their experiences with Internet matchmaking and the factors they think can make or break a relationship.

Via, college student

Via looks for three things in a man: proximity, piety and a proposal. Better still if he’s a fan of Japanese cartoons and comics.

The 24-year-old college student began her search for love online when she was browsing a site for fans of all things Japan. She noticed a column advertising a dating service, and decided to click through and join.

“I thought, who knows? I may even find someone who likes Japan as much as I do and we can have our honeymoon there,” she said.

Via gave her real name and a link to her website. She tried to be as honest as possible about herself, because she was looking for a husband, not a boyfriend.

“If I date someone, it’s with the intention of getting married,” she said. “I want that to be clear. In the past, I have ended relationships with guys who aren’t clear about whether they want to get married.”

She is also upfront with her prospective partners about the importance of having the same religion.

“For me, religion is always No. 1,” she said. “And I don’t mean just as something on their identity card. I want them to really understand the teachings they follow.”

Via believes that differences in background are complicated enough without throwing in a difference of religion. She wants to find a Muslim husband with the same values as her, so they can build a life together.

But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t broken her own rules in the past.

Via once developed an online relationship with a hotel owner from India. Once they got chatting, the pair found they actually had a lot in common, despite their distance.

The more they chatted, the closer they felt to one another, until finally the man said he wanted to come to Jakarta to meet her.

Via said that was fine, so long as he wanted to get married and stay with her in Indonesia. She was afraid to go with him to India, where she had no friends or family and couldn’t speak the language.

“He was really broken,” she said. “He cried and said he couldn’t believe it. He was angry with me. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to do, because that was the reality.”

After that, they stopped chatting and Via avoided going online. But her search continues for a husband closer to home.

“My parents told me that a difference of culture within Indonesia is difficult enough, let alone trying to find someone overseas,” she said.

Ajeng, public relations officer

After her best friend married a man she met online, Ajeng thought she might give it a go, too.

The 30-year-old public relations officer set up a profile on indonesiancupid.com and started searching for men in the age range of 30 to 40, preferring those with a good-looking profile picture and a steady job.

She tried to be honest about herself in her profile, disclosing that she enjoys the occasional drink and cigarette, but didn’t give her real name.

“I think if you met a guy on there, you would expect that he would do the same,” she said.

Ajeng would like to find someone to start a relationship with, but is also happy to just get to know someone and see how things go. Some of the people she has met online have turned out to be lasting friends. But some have turned out to be more than friends, too.

“There’s this one guy I really like, he lives in Pakistan,” she said. “He really caught my eye among the other profile pictures, so I clicked the heart icon to show interest. About a week later, he sent a message to me and we started e-mailing back and forth.”

Ajeng ended up chatting to the guy on a regular basis before they decided to “meet” over video chat.

“I felt so excited, but a little bit worried. I wondered if he really looked as handsome as he did in the picture,” she said.

When the video connection was up and running, Ajeng was impressed by what she saw — until he started to smile. The first thing she noticed was that he had a front tooth missing.

“I told my friends, ‘He’s so hot ... but toothless!’ and they burst out laughing,” she said.

But Ajeng didn’t let a small detail like that get in the way. The pair have already made plans to meet up in Jakarta next month.

“I think he’s a really nice guy, and maybe I shouldn’t judge him by his looks,” she said.

The only trouble is, in some of their conversations, Ajeng herself feels like she is being judged.

“He told me he doesn’t like girls who smoke or drink. He said it turned him off,” she said. “It sounds like he’s the one who’s judging without noticing that on my profile, it’s clearly shown that I do those things.

“For now, I’m just going to consider him a friend,” she added.

Pradnya, professional writer

When Pradnya signs up to online dating services, her first mission is to sort the straight-talkers from the scammers.

The 35-year-old writer is selective about who she opens up to, and keeps only a small number of people on her chat list.

Pradnya has profiles on Oasis.com and AsianEuro.com, a site that promises to help “Asian singles find their true love” and Europeans find “the Asian woman of their dreams.” But so far, what she has mostly found is friendship.

“Out of like 10 guys — all of whom were overseas — that I ever chatted with, I finally met two of them in person. We never started a relationship, as we didn’t feel fit for each other as time went by, but we remain very good friends until now, and it’s been years,” she said.

Pradnya uses an alias online, though she will often reveal her real name after chatting for some time. Chatting is really what she is looking for: She writes on her profile that she wants to meet “someone who is real, honest and whom I can feel comfortable being around.”

Religion is not an issue for her, and neither is location.

When she was assigned to write a story overseas in the city where one of her online friends lived, she met up with him while she was there.

“Both of us felt as if we had known each other for a long time when we first met,” she said. “That is quite normal when you are communicating with someone online, as you feel that you can tell them everything and are somehow very open with them.”

But the friendship never became anything more than that.

“As we spent time together we realized that we wouldn’t be good in a relationship, but we would be very good friends,” she said.

Pradnya does not feel disappointed that none of her encounters turned into love stories.

“A lot of people may think the online dating concept is ridiculous, but I’ve tried it myself and I think it’s just fine,” she said. “Yes, there are scammers, or people who are not real out there, but there are people who are sincere, too.”